(no subject)
Feeling ... nothing and everything. I'm hurting, but then I'm instantly numb as well. Sigh.
Today wasn't the best day, but it wasn't the worst either so I guess I'm all right for the moment. Oh god. I have such a hard time with my grandma. I was definitely crying a lot today. She wouldn't stop telling me how much she doesn't want to live anymore and how she wants to kill herself and such. Most of my close friends know about my grandma and her mental problems - she's kinda schizophrenic and drinks to boot. She just totally went off into the deep end today. She started to cry too. Then told me how the "assholes in the air are sitting in her cunt and ass like a dog" and sending "terristials of energy" throughout her body. How the "bastards in the sky are causing her tooth to hurt and how they made a machine at her work slam down on her thumb, breaking it in two places." How the dignitaries gave her gout in her toe. How they are beating and raping her constantly, making her fat - not letting her exercise because of the constant beatings she receives. How they bloat her stomach, smash her feet, send volts of energy through her not letting her sleep at night. God, it was so hard to handle this today. I was okay, holding up just fine until she started telling me how she's sorry she won't be around when I have kids. We used to always talk about how she'd teach my kids on to cook when they are little. So this was so bad! She was saying she wouldn't be alive by the time I had kids ... ugh. I know grandma is going to kill herself eventually. I have STRONG feeling, instinct, premonition if you will. There isn't a doubt in my mind that that is how she's going to go. Eh. There isn't anything I can do to help her either. God, the whole family has tried but it's useless because she's so damn smart at evading mental help. I don't know what to do. I mean there isn't anything I can do.
Oh, and to top everything else off the pilot light for the hot water heater went out. That was fun this morning. No hot water for a shower. My Uncle came over and fixed it for me because hell if I knew how too. Apparently, there might be something else wrong too with like the furnance or something. I just don't care. I'm moving. It's not my worry anymore. As long as I have hot water!
Eh. I need to clear my mind.
Today wasn't the best day, but it wasn't the worst either so I guess I'm all right for the moment. Oh god. I have such a hard time with my grandma. I was definitely crying a lot today. She wouldn't stop telling me how much she doesn't want to live anymore and how she wants to kill herself and such. Most of my close friends know about my grandma and her mental problems - she's kinda schizophrenic and drinks to boot. She just totally went off into the deep end today. She started to cry too. Then told me how the "assholes in the air are sitting in her cunt and ass like a dog" and sending "terristials of energy" throughout her body. How the "bastards in the sky are causing her tooth to hurt and how they made a machine at her work slam down on her thumb, breaking it in two places." How the dignitaries gave her gout in her toe. How they are beating and raping her constantly, making her fat - not letting her exercise because of the constant beatings she receives. How they bloat her stomach, smash her feet, send volts of energy through her not letting her sleep at night. God, it was so hard to handle this today. I was okay, holding up just fine until she started telling me how she's sorry she won't be around when I have kids. We used to always talk about how she'd teach my kids on to cook when they are little. So this was so bad! She was saying she wouldn't be alive by the time I had kids ... ugh. I know grandma is going to kill herself eventually. I have STRONG feeling, instinct, premonition if you will. There isn't a doubt in my mind that that is how she's going to go. Eh. There isn't anything I can do to help her either. God, the whole family has tried but it's useless because she's so damn smart at evading mental help. I don't know what to do. I mean there isn't anything I can do.
Oh, and to top everything else off the pilot light for the hot water heater went out. That was fun this morning. No hot water for a shower. My Uncle came over and fixed it for me because hell if I knew how too. Apparently, there might be something else wrong too with like the furnance or something. I just don't care. I'm moving. It's not my worry anymore. As long as I have hot water!
Eh. I need to clear my mind.