(no subject)
I'm stressing myself out and becoming ill. I'm so worried about mom. I feel bad for saying this, but I'm SO relieved that she is so far away and I don't have to see her struggling with her illness. I mean, I wish I was there to help her out, but it's so difficult seeing a loved one suffer. She hasn't been telling me the extent of her medical problems lately and tonight she spilled some of the beans. She's losing the sight in her right eye! Ack! She's had MS like symptoms for the past four years now and the doctors have said it's probably MS, but they wouldn't diagnose her because there was only one leision on her spinal cord. They told her if more symptoms occurred, besides the numbness in her extremeties, then they would be able to diagnose her. Hopefully now with her losing her vision, which is a common symptom of MS, the doctors can help... but I'm so freaked out! I'm being thrown back to when I was 15 years old and all this crap started. Back when the doctors were saying mom probably had a brain tumor and was going to die. Holy shit, that was such a bad time for me. I was so terrified of losing mom and now that she's so far away I can't do anything at all to help her. Not that I could really before, but I'd watch movies with her and spend time with her talking to take her mind off things. I don't want my mom to go blind. No, no, no. She can't go to the doctor until the end of September because of her work either. Then since she just started this job a couple months ago she's still in her 90 day period and is afraid if she tells them what's happening they might get rid of her. That's a logical fear too. Oh god. I'm so worried. I wish this wasn't happening again. Then dad's moving down there, which will NOT be good for mom. My god, everything is turning to shit.
I'm worried about what things will be like when dad moves away and I'm left here. Joe wants to move in with me, that's very clear, but I think I'm going to sink really, really deep. I can already feel it happening. I feel like I'm losing my family. I've still got friends here and my crazy grandma, but it's not the same as my parents. I hate living with my dad, but now everything is going to be so difficult for me. Ugh. The whole thing with Joe moving in isn't even exciting to me anymore either. He doesn't seem that enthused about it, I know he is, he is just worried about being able to afford everything and doesn't want to have his hopes up until the very last minute. It's just that in a couple years I'm going to move away and I know Joe won't go with me. I've flat out told him that, but he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't mind and still wants to move in. Whatever. I'd be so much happier elsewhere, but there's nothing I can really do about my situation. Unless I quit my job, take all the money I have and go to Italy with Leslie and start a new life there. Since that could have dire consquences, I better stick to it here and wait at least five years before wanting to flee to Italy with Leslie. Watch, but the time Les and I are like 25 we will own a villa in Italy. It's a nice thought and with me being a gemini, fueling her leo's fire, it's not a completely out of the question thing that could happen. Seriously, if we both had the money we'd be there right now.
Anyway. I shouldn't have slept earlier, but I was so completely drained I couldn't get out of bed. I only slept for two hours, but that was enough to make me not tired. Usually if I fall asleep around 9pm I sleep until at least 4am so this sucks. I knew it would happen. I just didn't have the energy to stay awake. I was semi-conscious when dad came in my room and he covered me up with a blanket and turned off my light. That was nice of him. I've done a little cleaning since I've been awake, but mostly I've been listening to my MP3 player and laying on the floor. Yah. That's exciting.
I miss Kitty :( This has been a lot harder than I thought it would. He was such a good cat. Ugh.
I'm worried about what things will be like when dad moves away and I'm left here. Joe wants to move in with me, that's very clear, but I think I'm going to sink really, really deep. I can already feel it happening. I feel like I'm losing my family. I've still got friends here and my crazy grandma, but it's not the same as my parents. I hate living with my dad, but now everything is going to be so difficult for me. Ugh. The whole thing with Joe moving in isn't even exciting to me anymore either. He doesn't seem that enthused about it, I know he is, he is just worried about being able to afford everything and doesn't want to have his hopes up until the very last minute. It's just that in a couple years I'm going to move away and I know Joe won't go with me. I've flat out told him that, but he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't mind and still wants to move in. Whatever. I'd be so much happier elsewhere, but there's nothing I can really do about my situation. Unless I quit my job, take all the money I have and go to Italy with Leslie and start a new life there. Since that could have dire consquences, I better stick to it here and wait at least five years before wanting to flee to Italy with Leslie. Watch, but the time Les and I are like 25 we will own a villa in Italy. It's a nice thought and with me being a gemini, fueling her leo's fire, it's not a completely out of the question thing that could happen. Seriously, if we both had the money we'd be there right now.
Anyway. I shouldn't have slept earlier, but I was so completely drained I couldn't get out of bed. I only slept for two hours, but that was enough to make me not tired. Usually if I fall asleep around 9pm I sleep until at least 4am so this sucks. I knew it would happen. I just didn't have the energy to stay awake. I was semi-conscious when dad came in my room and he covered me up with a blanket and turned off my light. That was nice of him. I've done a little cleaning since I've been awake, but mostly I've been listening to my MP3 player and laying on the floor. Yah. That's exciting.
I miss Kitty :( This has been a lot harder than I thought it would. He was such a good cat. Ugh.