(no subject)
So,... it happened. He's home. He knows exactly how I feel, or well, felt (as far as he thinks). I wrote it in a letter right before he left, thinking I would never see him again. And he's home. My insides are clawing their way out. I still have so many feelings for him. He is the one boy, that no matter what, no matter how bad, I will always like. He never treated me badly, well maybe except for leading me on, but when we were together never once did he treat me badly. He's nothing special, really, he's not. I don't even know what it is. Maybe it's that innocent face he gets when he wants something, or that little smirk and sometimes evil grin he has, or his stupid laugh, or the way he sings, or his ugly red hair. Maybe it's the way he knows he can get me right where he wants me every time. Maybe its the way holds me. Maybe its the way he drives with his hand on my leg, or the way he whines, or the way he says my name right after he says goodnight. Maybe it's the two phrases that took my breath away that I'll never forget; "Dani, I'm falling in love with you." and "I know this sounds cliche, but I really want to kiss you right now." Maybe it's the fact that I knew he was falling for me, but I was never sure of if he ever ended up falling all the way, or felt the pain that I felt, or still wondered what could have been. I honestly don't know what it is about him that makes me so crazy for him. So incredibly, painfully, infatuated. It's like I want him to all myself, I just want to know that I'm good enough for him still. I'm scared to hang out with him. I don't want it to be awkward. I'm afraid I won't know what to say. Maybe he'll leave me speechless. I'm afraid to let him to look into my eyes, because I don't want him to see how he makes me feel. I want him to just keep believing that I'm over him. But at the same time, I want to just throw it all at him. I want him to see it. I want him to feel it. And I want him to tell me that he feels it too.
But then I stop thinking about him. I try with all of my energy and power to get him out of my head, even for just one second. Just to remind myself of how much he hurt me that ONE day. To remind myself how he sent me mixed signals and used and reused me, just to try and get some. I try not to let the good thoughts get back in. And while pushing everything out I think about it. I think about how he's not you. And he's not who he was before. He's supposidly better than that now, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to find out if that's true or not. Because he's not you. I don't ever want to hurt you. I love you, and I hope that's enough.
But then I stop thinking about him. I try with all of my energy and power to get him out of my head, even for just one second. Just to remind myself of how much he hurt me that ONE day. To remind myself how he sent me mixed signals and used and reused me, just to try and get some. I try not to let the good thoughts get back in. And while pushing everything out I think about it. I think about how he's not you. And he's not who he was before. He's supposidly better than that now, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to find out if that's true or not. Because he's not you. I don't ever want to hurt you. I love you, and I hope that's enough.