"Do you understand what you mean to me? You are my Faith. Won't you cure my tragedy?"

Jul 14, 2005 11:26

Last nite was all over the place. I was seriously like bipolar. It started good, got REALLY bad, got MUCH MUCH better, and then went back to just an average night. I needed to find out if Faith was gonna come to the concert with me and Caity but I didn't have her number. So I called Sarah. She hung up on me. That REALLY upset me cuz all of a sudden everything flashed in my head and all these memories just came over me and I definitely went into overload. I got angry and I wanted to cry but Caity held me. I needed to cry though. I didn't want her seeing me cry about Faith or Sarah though so I went into the bathroom. Her and I know each other well enough that if we go into the bathroom, that's not good. I honestly just needed to cry, but once I was in there I was like yeah... where does this girl stash her sharp objects in here? She stood by the door and kept tryin to get in and begged me to come out. So I did. She knew how upset I was though. I never got to cry. We decided we were gonna go get alcohol so we drove to Bridgeport with Molly and Princess. I was like yeah I REALLY need to not be sober right now. So I got a 6 of Corona and a giant bottle of wine. We drove back to the house and dropped Molly and Princess off cuz I really needed to just drive. I was on a good amount of Adderall at that point so sitting around wasn't an option. We drove to Waterbury and brought back some DVD's to Blockbuster. During that drive I actually let Caity see me cry about Faith. We had probably the most serious open conversation. It was like 2 hrs. I opened up to her SOOOOOOOO much. We talked about EVERYTHING. I think that that definitely helped our relationship an insane amount. I downed like 30 oz of her really strong Snapple and I realized that I was in my alcoholic mood. Everything started to feel better once I had a drink. Not good. Later I burned myself with my cig by accident and it didn't even phase me. It felt good. Yeah that's when I was like ummmm yeah... I'm not in a right mood. We came home and Will came over. That was cool. Faith text messaged me and I gave her a call. We ended up talking for like 2 hours. I let Caity drive Paris a good amount during all of this. She wouldn't let me drive. Not because I drank alot, but because I was on the phone with Faith and she knew that that was definitely taking all of my focus at the moment. Talking to Faith was really really awesome. For the first time we had an honestly civilized conversation and I wasn't just bein nice cuz I wanted her back. LOL Her and I haven't talked on the phone in almost a year. For the first time ever I didn't get butterflies hearing her voice. I wasn't excited because I was talking to my first love, I was excited because we were actually okay. There wasn't a grudge, or sarcasm, or fighting. It was like I was talking to an old friend that I hadn't talked to in a long time. I loved that feeling because it proved to me that there's nothing left there. I'm completely okay. She's not going to the concert cuz Kevin would be uncomfortable with it. I understand that kinda. I asked Caity if I were to go to a concert with Faith if it'd bother her. She said yes, but I assured her that she'll never have anything to worry about. She looked me in the eye and said, "What if Faith broke up with Kevin, came back to you and said I love you I wanna marry you. What would you do?" Instantly without a thought I said, "I'd tell her to fuck off." I would too. I said, "You could give me all the money in the world, you could give me the Earth, the universe... EVERYTHING and NONE of that would make me want to leave you." I just wish that I could explain how much I love her. There's NOTHING in this world that can change that. After everything that happened last nite, I was perfectly content. Minus sex. This is where the sex comes in. Her and I both have these HUGE HUGE issues when it comes to sex. So... something huge happened last nite and we got interrupted. She started to cry and I wanted to cry. I really wanted it to happen because it was such a big decision for her and it meant so much... but at the same time it really bothered me that I had other things on my mind. My head was racing and a big part of what was goin through my mind was Faith. I didn't want things to happen while I had Faith in my head. That just seemed so wrong. I'm kinda sad but relieved at the same time. It'll happen, and when it does... it'll be wonderful. I know that for a fact cuz I know how much I love this girl.
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