"I never meant to cut so deep... just enough to bleed."
Last night was the scariest night of my life. Caity really scared me. First she was tryin to jump outta the car window on our way back to Stratford. Then when we eventually got home I was really worried about her doin somethin. I was trying SO hard not to fall asleep cuz I wanted to make sure that nothing happened to her. I fell asleep though. I feel like shit cuz I felt like there was a chance that if I fell asleep I'd wake up and she'd be dead... and yet I still fell asleep. She was telling me yesterday afternoon what she'd want to happen if she died. She told me she wanted to be creamated and have her ashes scattered along the beach in Martha's Vineyard/Cape Cod. *sigh* I am SOOOOOOO incredibly thankful that she couldn't find her blade. OMG. I guess she took a bunch of Tylenol PM's. She was still awake though. She was crying and punching windows and stuff. She sliced her hand up pretty good doin that. She was standin at the window and I knew exactly what was goin through her head. I knew she wanted to jump. At one point when I woke up she was sitting in the comp chair in like a lil ball rocking back and forth. I know that feeling... once you get to that point it's NOT good. I realized last nite how much I truly care about this girl. I would do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for her. I dunno what I would do without her. I'd die. I told her that if something ever happened to her... fuck the pills and the blades... I'd go straight for the gun. She asked me what I would do if Faith died. I told her that I'd probably cry a fuckin river, but I'd deal. I've found myself waking up next to her every morning and looking up and thanking God. I dunno if she really knows how much I love her... I hope she does. I dunno if I'm gonna go anywhere with Ange for her b-day. I know it's kinda shitty, but I really wanna make sure everything is okay with Caity. Wow... I love this girl.