Unrealistic expectations.
I want to have a beautiful shabbat, start to finish, at some point, in my own home and of my own doing. This shabbat it is not to be, nor was it last shabbat, or any of them in recent memory. I would love to be able to present a composed meal with at least 3 different food groups/dishes, with challah that I have made (or bought, fine), and have candle lighting and/or havdalah with Benito, and have a rather pleasant 24-26 hours of it.
I work a full-time job. Currently (since September) that job is 9-5 on Fridays and 9:30-5:30, in Surrey, on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I have to pick Benito up no later than 6 PM (Rick gets him on my late days). I want dinner to be served no later than 6:45 though it often slides to 7. I have certain unrealistic expectations:
1. Having made challah throughout the day on a Friday, I should always be able to make challah on a Friday. Even though I'm working. "But I'm working from home!," I tell myself, "and it's meetings all day, and I can be in the kitchen making challah during a meeting because I can turn my camera and microphone off!" No. This is not actually how "work" works.
2. I can pull off a composed meal if I ... and there I run out. Sure, I've made good meals. It's some sort of alchemical combination of willpower, ingredients, and time that make it come together. If I'm missing any of those, then nope. Working until 5: inherently short on time, often short on Friday afternoon willpower.
3. I should be able to do this. Nope. But my mom did it, with 4 kids! At that time, my mom didn't work full-time outside of the home, and didn't make her own challah. But Gadi makes his own challah and a beautiful table and everything! Gadi has his wife who helps with kitchen/cooking duties, and a completely different support network/family life. Tahl did it way back when, with two kids, but she took half of Friday off to do shopping and cooking, and I often helped her in one way or another, and sometimes she didn't pull it off either. Quit pretending that it's happening for everyone but you. You are not the special inept-snowflake.
4. Just fucking relax and cut yourself all the damn slack you want. You are not destroying anything, hurting anyone, or causing lifelong damage to your child's Jewish identity. For the love of God, woman.
I know what I am actually lacking, and yearning for - and even if I had that, I still wouldn't be able to put on shabbat dinner and experience every week the way I remember it happening and feeling in my childhood.
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I work a full-time job. Currently (since September) that job is 9-5 on Fridays and 9:30-5:30, in Surrey, on Wednesdays and Thursdays. I have to pick Benito up no later than 6 PM (Rick gets him on my late days). I want dinner to be served no later than 6:45 though it often slides to 7. I have certain unrealistic expectations:
1. Having made challah throughout the day on a Friday, I should always be able to make challah on a Friday. Even though I'm working. "But I'm working from home!," I tell myself, "and it's meetings all day, and I can be in the kitchen making challah during a meeting because I can turn my camera and microphone off!" No. This is not actually how "work" works.
2. I can pull off a composed meal if I ... and there I run out. Sure, I've made good meals. It's some sort of alchemical combination of willpower, ingredients, and time that make it come together. If I'm missing any of those, then nope. Working until 5: inherently short on time, often short on Friday afternoon willpower.
3. I should be able to do this. Nope. But my mom did it, with 4 kids! At that time, my mom didn't work full-time outside of the home, and didn't make her own challah. But Gadi makes his own challah and a beautiful table and everything! Gadi has his wife who helps with kitchen/cooking duties, and a completely different support network/family life. Tahl did it way back when, with two kids, but she took half of Friday off to do shopping and cooking, and I often helped her in one way or another, and sometimes she didn't pull it off either. Quit pretending that it's happening for everyone but you. You are not the special inept-snowflake.
4. Just fucking relax and cut yourself all the damn slack you want. You are not destroying anything, hurting anyone, or causing lifelong damage to your child's Jewish identity. For the love of God, woman.
I know what I am actually lacking, and yearning for - and even if I had that, I still wouldn't be able to put on shabbat dinner and experience every week the way I remember it happening and feeling in my childhood.
This entry was originally posted at https://avivasedai.dreamwidth.org/753925.html. Please comment there using OpenID.