So it might not be a dazzling revelation...
I've recently been mulling over my own definition of "family." To this adoptee, the meaning of the term is wrapped up in biological connection and heritage, sharing ties with those who physically resemble you, who are genetically the same as you. My personal definition of "family" has always been narrowed by that missing piece of me: the biological connection that I never had.
I raised this question to myself this afternoon after my therapy session. My counselor had asked me to describe my relationship with my best friend, and I happened to mention that she is essentially family. We share a connection as deep as any sisterhood could be, yet we're not biologically connected in any way and grew up in separate households with very different parents.
I used to get highly defensive when someone would mention the idea that family is more than "just biology." I felt that others could easily spout off such platitudes because they already had their biological connection: they knew their heritage, they had a family history, they had genetic roots, things I'd been denied. I think my defensiveness also related to the way it was said in relation to adoption: "You don't need to find your family, you already have one! Family is more than just biology, after all!" To me, family was biology. In my mind, the two were inseparable. I sometimes wonder, had I not been adopted, would I have been more able to expand my definition of family?
This afternoon was my breakthrough, from my statement about my best friend. "She's family." My parents are my family. My dad's family - who I can readily say that I hate (but that's for another time) - is my family. My mom's family - the hundreds of aunts and uncles and cousins and the distant relations in Ireland - is my family. My dearest friends are my family. My birth family - my birth mother and father and brother and five sisters who I am just beginning to know and with whom I share full biology, who I see so much of myself reflected in that it's sometimes scary - is my family. I've come to the brilliant conclusion that my definition no longer needs to be so narrow. As an adoptee, everyone who shows me unconditional love and acceptance, anyone who sticks with me through the good and the bad, anyone who accepts all of me without question - and yes, anyone who shares biology with me - is my family. There is no need for divided loyalty. The parents who raised me are my family, just as much as the parents who conceived me. It's not a competition anymore.
I raised this question to myself this afternoon after my therapy session. My counselor had asked me to describe my relationship with my best friend, and I happened to mention that she is essentially family. We share a connection as deep as any sisterhood could be, yet we're not biologically connected in any way and grew up in separate households with very different parents.
I used to get highly defensive when someone would mention the idea that family is more than "just biology." I felt that others could easily spout off such platitudes because they already had their biological connection: they knew their heritage, they had a family history, they had genetic roots, things I'd been denied. I think my defensiveness also related to the way it was said in relation to adoption: "You don't need to find your family, you already have one! Family is more than just biology, after all!" To me, family was biology. In my mind, the two were inseparable. I sometimes wonder, had I not been adopted, would I have been more able to expand my definition of family?
This afternoon was my breakthrough, from my statement about my best friend. "She's family." My parents are my family. My dad's family - who I can readily say that I hate (but that's for another time) - is my family. My mom's family - the hundreds of aunts and uncles and cousins and the distant relations in Ireland - is my family. My dearest friends are my family. My birth family - my birth mother and father and brother and five sisters who I am just beginning to know and with whom I share full biology, who I see so much of myself reflected in that it's sometimes scary - is my family. I've come to the brilliant conclusion that my definition no longer needs to be so narrow. As an adoptee, everyone who shows me unconditional love and acceptance, anyone who sticks with me through the good and the bad, anyone who accepts all of me without question - and yes, anyone who shares biology with me - is my family. There is no need for divided loyalty. The parents who raised me are my family, just as much as the parents who conceived me. It's not a competition anymore.