update/dump.
it's been a very, very frustrating process here lately. I just lost primary custody of my daughters thanks to BOTH of my ex husbands. Phillip's attorney made me out to look like some kind of crazed cannibal; the girls' guardian ad litem awarded HIM primary custody... I get every other weekend, Weds nights, holidays... and a VERY confused three and a half year old. The abusive history to all of us thanks to Roy was the final nail in the coffin, the judge and guardian both wanted to know "why" I wasn't stronger to stand up to Roy and get my girls and I out of that particular situation.
If you've NEVER been in an abusive relationship, I highly suggest you don't. Because those who haven't obviously will never quite understand why you're scared to say anything to anyone for any reason whatsoever, for fear that it WILL come back and bite you in the ass. Because I TRIED getting out of that situation, and I had so-called 'friends' go behind my back and TELL Roy what was going on, and how he really needed to 'talk' to me about it.
When in reality, all it REALLY did was make the situation worse.
Now, I can't look at a switchblade without getting severe heebs. I can't be around men who raise their voice for any reason whatsoever without flinching. Can't go to certain places without shaking. Can't listen to ANY country music without crying.
Oy.
Thank you Roy, for effing up my life. You really DID fulfill your promise to me: I lost my daughters. And yes, YOU caused it. But not the way that YOU said it was going to happen.
You made me so stressed out, caused me to doubt myself so much, made me constantly second-guess myself that you nearly drove me to kill myself a year ago this month after the mental break down that inadvertently caused me to harm my own daughter.
I digress.
I've put in like 300 applications. Had one call-back. Thought I had a job. Got in there, and the stupid temp agency that had said 'job offer' had lied to me... which really pissed me off. As if I wasn't seriously strapped for time as it was???
I paid for my divorce to Roy last Weds. I have to review all the info and then they'll send it to me so that he and I can sign it. Phew.
I don't know what's been going on with P here lately. More often than not, he's been busy, always busy. So for over two weeks now we haven't had a chance to get together, hang out. And I got ahold of another friend of mine from my old store... E. So he and I have been texting a bit. He's the shy, introverted type and works afternoon-evening shifts... we basically text when we can. He's sweet.
I don't know where God is going with this, but meh.
P is more my style... I used to have a 'type', but I don't anymore. P keeps encouraging me, prays for me...among other awesome things that we enjoy together. When he has 'time'. He's so dedicated to his recovery center, CR, and helping others with the art of photography outside of work.
I'm just praying E comes out of his shell. He has a LOT of potential. I pray he finds out he's SO much more than what he actually thinks he is. We have a lot in common, too, which is awesome. It's just that he's so stinking introverted to the point that ... well ... it's beyond social anxiety. I honestly feel that he just needs a good boot in the arse and a lot of encouragement.
Ok. Well, withholding the boot in the arse. But still.
I need to get back to job searching. Will try to update as I can.