just another day.
I'm missing my daughters terribly today. I haven't seen them in over a week.
The pessimistic in me is screaming "because you're such a horrible mom, you don't deserve your kids, your ex husbands are right"
So here i lay, crying, comfort nursing my three year old because he doesn't want to stop nursing... and by God, I'm going to do it because if i complain once, it'll be Roy's wrath against me.
If i had somewhere to go, i would. If i had a job, i would pack Axl up and just go.
It's so ridiculously funny. He's sooooooo concerned about the damn bills but yet wants to buy a kayakthe very first chance he gets.
But yet, a few weeks ago he told me i had beer money and champagne tastes???Haha!!!
I don't even dareask for my bare basics anymore!
He got what he wanted. A modernized Cinderella to take care of everything domestic minus cooking. Oh...but wait. I have to cook my own meals now, too. At least, that's what he said last night. So...i don't know how im going to do that. Because I'm not allowed to use his pots, pans, kitchen... etc.
So here i am, hungry. And i had one square of dark chocolate from church for Mom's day. Yeah, that will totally suffice for lunch.
I put my rings on, just for church. Just for proprieties' sake. And as soon as i got in, i changed my clothes, washed my face clean of any trace of make-up (to keep from being accused of having a boyfriend or whoring around, not that it would keep him from doing it regardless...), and took my rings off again.
I vented to Lynda in the car on the way home.
She can't believe how horrible Roy is towards me.
I keep quiet unless spoken to. I became invisible, for fear Roy will yell at me again...just for being myself.
I fear I've given up on life altogether, and that I'm headed down the slippery slope towards yet another mental break down.
Not like anyone really gives a damn.