i don't feel good today
i want direction. i realized today the source of much of my angst. for the past god knows how many years i had a plan. in highschool i was gonna go to college. in college i was going to china. in china i was moving to nyc. now in nyc i have no direction, and it's killing me. i don't know if i'm staying here, or if i'll leave, if i leave for a long time or just a vacation.
i am suddenly very unsure of what direction i want to take. i know what i want, that doesn't change, and i was confusing the two for many months. it's not even a question of how to get what i want, because i know how to do that too. it's literally i don't know where i want to be two years from now, physically. and that decides a lot of the other things i do.
so i'm giving myself two goals.
1: i decide to stay in nyc
2: i decide to take the trip to asia
both of these need to be a decision regardless of schmitty or family or anyone. i can't waffle around thinking "maybe i'll move to dc, or cali or vietnam" i need to make my decisions and stand by them. if anyone wants to be near me, they can come to me.
obvious exceptions to this rule are 1: if what i want is happening somewhere else i'd like to be and 2: something really drastic happens.
i want to know where i'm going in the future. i've been waffling around because i've been wondering if schmitty can come with me in two years, but honestly it's silly to start planning my life like that. he doesn't know what he wants for himself, i can't be making decisions for myself based on his uncertainty. if he can, he'll come to asia. if he can't, we'll figure it out then. but for now, that's what i'm planning for. i also can't have going back to watertown as an escape route in my mind. living with dad, mom or rena is not an option. there is no escape from life, and i can't run away somewhere comfortable trying to escape the difficulties of life. the same goes for dc. it would be the exact same life in a different city. until things between schmitty and i change (and that won't be for a while) there is no reason to waste my time fantasizing about a life down there when i could be building my life up here.
i think i've said this in some variation before, but i'm feeling suprisingly clear in it now. i think the difference is that i'm no longer making a suggestion for myself, but instead making a decision.
another decision i've made is i'm going to take the gre. i'm not setting a time limit because i have A LOT of catching up to do in maths, and a million practice tests to take before i'll feel secure, but i know one day i will get my masters or phd, and i want to be ready for it.
now, don't go thinking i'm never going to be angsty about this again. i'll want to change my mind, i'll wonder if i've made the right choice, and i'll look for other options. i'm a second guesser. but just help me remember that ground rules i've set for myself and give me a grain of salt when i try to be my own devil's advocate.
i'm feeling siginificantly better now. i've felt sick and discontent all day, and i've spent a lot of time talking with friends and myself about this, and i'm glad i've made a choice. i'm not going to worry it'll destroy my relationship, or ruin friendships, or leave me feeling the same anguish i felt when i left oberlin and china. i can't build my life on fears of things that might happen. i need to build it on the possibilities that will come from my choices, and trust that all the other things in my life are built on stronger things than proximity and time spent together.
i am suddenly very unsure of what direction i want to take. i know what i want, that doesn't change, and i was confusing the two for many months. it's not even a question of how to get what i want, because i know how to do that too. it's literally i don't know where i want to be two years from now, physically. and that decides a lot of the other things i do.
so i'm giving myself two goals.
1: i decide to stay in nyc
2: i decide to take the trip to asia
both of these need to be a decision regardless of schmitty or family or anyone. i can't waffle around thinking "maybe i'll move to dc, or cali or vietnam" i need to make my decisions and stand by them. if anyone wants to be near me, they can come to me.
obvious exceptions to this rule are 1: if what i want is happening somewhere else i'd like to be and 2: something really drastic happens.
i want to know where i'm going in the future. i've been waffling around because i've been wondering if schmitty can come with me in two years, but honestly it's silly to start planning my life like that. he doesn't know what he wants for himself, i can't be making decisions for myself based on his uncertainty. if he can, he'll come to asia. if he can't, we'll figure it out then. but for now, that's what i'm planning for. i also can't have going back to watertown as an escape route in my mind. living with dad, mom or rena is not an option. there is no escape from life, and i can't run away somewhere comfortable trying to escape the difficulties of life. the same goes for dc. it would be the exact same life in a different city. until things between schmitty and i change (and that won't be for a while) there is no reason to waste my time fantasizing about a life down there when i could be building my life up here.
i think i've said this in some variation before, but i'm feeling suprisingly clear in it now. i think the difference is that i'm no longer making a suggestion for myself, but instead making a decision.
another decision i've made is i'm going to take the gre. i'm not setting a time limit because i have A LOT of catching up to do in maths, and a million practice tests to take before i'll feel secure, but i know one day i will get my masters or phd, and i want to be ready for it.
now, don't go thinking i'm never going to be angsty about this again. i'll want to change my mind, i'll wonder if i've made the right choice, and i'll look for other options. i'm a second guesser. but just help me remember that ground rules i've set for myself and give me a grain of salt when i try to be my own devil's advocate.
i'm feeling siginificantly better now. i've felt sick and discontent all day, and i've spent a lot of time talking with friends and myself about this, and i'm glad i've made a choice. i'm not going to worry it'll destroy my relationship, or ruin friendships, or leave me feeling the same anguish i felt when i left oberlin and china. i can't build my life on fears of things that might happen. i need to build it on the possibilities that will come from my choices, and trust that all the other things in my life are built on stronger things than proximity and time spent together.