Bad Mood
I'm not sure what it is - maybe it's the weather - but I have been in a most foul mood this last week. I'm starting to wonder whether I might be depressed. I've stopped writing, mostly. (Even for my class. I missed one week of writing and the week before that I only wrote 5 new pages, double spaced.) I've found myself hiding out a bit more than usual. Not avoiding people, in particular, but not seeking anyone out, either. Part of that is because Tai was sick for half of last week, then Tom was sick the other half - so I'm still worried about passing on the flu. (Possibly swine flu, but we aren't sure because neither of them was sick enough to warrant testing.) I'm irritable with just about everyone, especially Tom.
I'm having a hard time deciding how much of my mood is situational (not enough solid sleep nights, not feeling supported by Tom pretty much regularly, not getting many breaks in toddler care, etc) and how much is possibly a recurrence of depression. I've started talking about it with Wendy, but I also need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist. I might need a med tweak.
I'm just not finding as much pleasure in things as I had been. I don't feel light. I've been more anxious. Angry randomly. And so lonely. It's silly - I have friends, people I could get together with if I'd just pick up the phone... but I mostly don't. There are things I want to do, I just can't seem to get up the initiative to do them. I want to finish the scrapbook of Tai's first year. I want to start doing more with my photographs. I want to start sewing for Tai (and maybe for other kidlets). But I find myself in front of the TV and the laptop and books night after night. I'm diving into books, and hiding out from the rest of the world.
Fortunately I haven't been taking it out on Tai - at least not much. I am a bit shorter of temper, less willing to put up with the whining and the tantrums which have been plentiful since he was sick. But some of my best times and best moods are with him. We were sitting on the porch one evening recently and he was playing with a new bubble gun Tom's mom bought him. We were watching the bubbles float across the street and up into the sky. It was simple, but fun. And there have been a couple of nights that I'm rocking and nursing him to sleep, or for naps, where I finally feel myself taking deep, full breaths and I am so deeply content.
I actually went to church today - an Episcopal church (I was raised *very* slightly Episcopal). It was different than any church I'd been to before. It felt like a family sitting together, more than anything. I was awkward, as usual in a new setting, but I think I'm going to go back. One of these days I'm going to find my spiritual home - I think that will help.
I'm having a hard time deciding how much of my mood is situational (not enough solid sleep nights, not feeling supported by Tom pretty much regularly, not getting many breaks in toddler care, etc) and how much is possibly a recurrence of depression. I've started talking about it with Wendy, but I also need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist. I might need a med tweak.
I'm just not finding as much pleasure in things as I had been. I don't feel light. I've been more anxious. Angry randomly. And so lonely. It's silly - I have friends, people I could get together with if I'd just pick up the phone... but I mostly don't. There are things I want to do, I just can't seem to get up the initiative to do them. I want to finish the scrapbook of Tai's first year. I want to start doing more with my photographs. I want to start sewing for Tai (and maybe for other kidlets). But I find myself in front of the TV and the laptop and books night after night. I'm diving into books, and hiding out from the rest of the world.
Fortunately I haven't been taking it out on Tai - at least not much. I am a bit shorter of temper, less willing to put up with the whining and the tantrums which have been plentiful since he was sick. But some of my best times and best moods are with him. We were sitting on the porch one evening recently and he was playing with a new bubble gun Tom's mom bought him. We were watching the bubbles float across the street and up into the sky. It was simple, but fun. And there have been a couple of nights that I'm rocking and nursing him to sleep, or for naps, where I finally feel myself taking deep, full breaths and I am so deeply content.
I actually went to church today - an Episcopal church (I was raised *very* slightly Episcopal). It was different than any church I'd been to before. It felt like a family sitting together, more than anything. I was awkward, as usual in a new setting, but I think I'm going to go back. One of these days I'm going to find my spiritual home - I think that will help.