Apparently none of my friends post here anymore
Well, it's probably all as well. I'm sick of "so sorry"s and the like, but I just need to get it off my chest.
My sister is dead.
Dead dead dead. On October 19th, in a head on collision. It was her fault, she was going the wrong way on the freeway. The other car's passengers survived.
It's an easy intersection/on-ramp to do that on, but at 4am why couldn't she avoid the one other car on the road?
I'm angry with her. For the things she did before she died, the decisions that led to her death, and the things she left undone after the fact.
I'm mad at my dad, for being such a hypocrite and making her death all about him.
I'm mad at her friends. At the guy who invited her back to his place, got her drunk, and passed out so he couldn't stop her when she woke up and decided she was sober enough to drive.
I'm mad at myself for not reaching out to her more. For feeling like I gave up on her. I'm mad at my body for getting ill only after I get home.
I'm mad at my mom for being a pushover while she was alive, and for forgiving everyone now that she's gone. It's totally the right attitude, but I'm still mad.
I'm mad at people who are saying I'm not grieving the right way. I am soooo grieving, so fuck off.
I'm sad for all I've lost. I'm still a big sister, but I don't have a little sister anymore. My kids won't have a zany Aunt Caroline. I won't have someone to compare notes on about our lives together. All I have is my own memory. That's not very accurate.
No one to get away from the relatives on Thanksgiving with. No one to introduce me to weird music and movies.
The silly side of the family is gone.
I'm sad for my parents. No parent should lose a child.
I'm sad for Caroline's loss. Everyone says she was finally getting on track with her life. Seems to be the way it happens.
I keep dwelling on something my mom told me, and now I wish she hadn't: Mom once said she had Caroline because when she had me she knew that if she lost me she'd literally shrivel up and die, and so she had Caroline so she'd have someone else to live for.
Caroline ended up saving Mom's life at least once, when Mom was really depressed. Caroline was still an infant, and Mom knew she couldn't leave Caroline alone with Dad.
Caroline was the back-up kid. Now there's no back-up kid. I'm all that's left. That's a lot of pressure.
I don't know what's going to happen next. My parents will grieve until they die. They might die a lot sooner now. I am debating having three kids now, partially to make up for so much family I've lost the last couple of years, and partially so my kids won't feel so alone when (eventually, when they're all old and gray and I'm loooong gone) one of them dies.
I know I should go see a therapist. But what do I say? I'm handling it fine right now. I need a massage, but I don't know if I can stand Judy's inquiry. I have some of Caroline's ashes. I don't know where I'm going to scatter them (they're light gray, you know. Everyone thinks ashes are black, but human cremated ashes are light gray, almost white). I should do something in honor of her birthday, too. Maybe take her out for sushi?
My thesis adviser also died the week before Caroline. I'm starting to feel a little jinxed. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm still sort of in a daze, although it might just be a food coma.
It's cold here. I want to go back to California, but I don't want to deal with my family.
I'm really scared. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm tired of trying to figure it out.
-B
My sister is dead.
Dead dead dead. On October 19th, in a head on collision. It was her fault, she was going the wrong way on the freeway. The other car's passengers survived.
It's an easy intersection/on-ramp to do that on, but at 4am why couldn't she avoid the one other car on the road?
I'm angry with her. For the things she did before she died, the decisions that led to her death, and the things she left undone after the fact.
I'm mad at my dad, for being such a hypocrite and making her death all about him.
I'm mad at her friends. At the guy who invited her back to his place, got her drunk, and passed out so he couldn't stop her when she woke up and decided she was sober enough to drive.
I'm mad at myself for not reaching out to her more. For feeling like I gave up on her. I'm mad at my body for getting ill only after I get home.
I'm mad at my mom for being a pushover while she was alive, and for forgiving everyone now that she's gone. It's totally the right attitude, but I'm still mad.
I'm mad at people who are saying I'm not grieving the right way. I am soooo grieving, so fuck off.
I'm sad for all I've lost. I'm still a big sister, but I don't have a little sister anymore. My kids won't have a zany Aunt Caroline. I won't have someone to compare notes on about our lives together. All I have is my own memory. That's not very accurate.
No one to get away from the relatives on Thanksgiving with. No one to introduce me to weird music and movies.
The silly side of the family is gone.
I'm sad for my parents. No parent should lose a child.
I'm sad for Caroline's loss. Everyone says she was finally getting on track with her life. Seems to be the way it happens.
I keep dwelling on something my mom told me, and now I wish she hadn't: Mom once said she had Caroline because when she had me she knew that if she lost me she'd literally shrivel up and die, and so she had Caroline so she'd have someone else to live for.
Caroline ended up saving Mom's life at least once, when Mom was really depressed. Caroline was still an infant, and Mom knew she couldn't leave Caroline alone with Dad.
Caroline was the back-up kid. Now there's no back-up kid. I'm all that's left. That's a lot of pressure.
I don't know what's going to happen next. My parents will grieve until they die. They might die a lot sooner now. I am debating having three kids now, partially to make up for so much family I've lost the last couple of years, and partially so my kids won't feel so alone when (eventually, when they're all old and gray and I'm loooong gone) one of them dies.
I know I should go see a therapist. But what do I say? I'm handling it fine right now. I need a massage, but I don't know if I can stand Judy's inquiry. I have some of Caroline's ashes. I don't know where I'm going to scatter them (they're light gray, you know. Everyone thinks ashes are black, but human cremated ashes are light gray, almost white). I should do something in honor of her birthday, too. Maybe take her out for sushi?
My thesis adviser also died the week before Caroline. I'm starting to feel a little jinxed. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm still sort of in a daze, although it might just be a food coma.
It's cold here. I want to go back to California, but I don't want to deal with my family.
I'm really scared. I don't know what's going to happen, and I'm tired of trying to figure it out.
-B