(no subject)
I never really cause trouble and as day turns into tomorrow and today turns into yesterdays, I have become increasingly drawn back and reserved. Some would say "reclusive" and I would secretly praise how much I like words that start with the letter "r"//
I have always had issues with abandonment, and I guess that explains my apprehension about relationships. For the longest time I have stayed away from them out of fear of rejection or fear of being alone. I was dependant on many people around me, boys, crushes, friends... very little did I depend on my family, I never felt like I could trust them, like they had some bias towards me because we were related by blood. As the years go on, you increase the amount of dependancy on boys, crushes, boyfriends, friends or best friends and there is a new family born out of those same people. You grow further away from your family and you grow closer and even start to grow on your friends to form this large pyramid shaped bond. Your friends become the base and no matter how high you climb, you know you will never fall because you have the strongest base you could have ever imagined.
I never want to live in a house with a screen door that has etched glass on it. It seems the etched glass houses have foriegn feelings and make me shiver. Lately I have been getting that feeling every time I step out my front door. I don't know if that is because the August wind always has a hint of November or if it just feels like I'm in a foriegn place because I have never felt so alone or unwelcome.
It's not even a sad anymore, it's a nothing. I am experiencing this feeling which I have only had glimpses at. I have felt alone with someone. That was Febuary. I have felt numb before, that was the majority of gr. 10. I have felt afraid before, but never like this. I have never been more lonely than I am right now and it is not a matter of leaving my house. I have been doing that more and more lately. I am lonely by myself, that is true but I am even more lonely when I am around others and immursed with friends. Everyone says that I will feel better if I do this, or do that. Everyone is quick to judge and to offer suggestions and tell me what I should or should not be doing. Everyone is quick to answer questions that I never wanted to know the answer to and everyone seems to have an answer for me when I have no idea what the question is.
Sometimes I think my life is a movie and that maybe somewhere, somehow people are watching me. I play along with it occasionally. I went for a long walk yesterday that resulted in me being out for 2 hours walking in the rain. Inner monologue became scripts in the parkade and I hoped for someone to come for me. To tell me that it is ok for me to be afraid and that it is alright for me to wander. Then they would bring me home and lay with me in my bed with the covers up, they would hold my hand and let me cry and not tell me to "get myself together". I do not need to be forced. I need someone to hold my hand and just let me cry. To sit with me and let me just not say anything, to let me know it's ok to be quiet sometimes. Someone who will be slow motion with me even though the world is fast paced. I want a spiritual bond where nothing matters but our beating hearts and our hands holding each other, never letting go even when things are hard. But I have lost hope in that months ago, maybe even years ago. And to everyone: I'm sorry I could never be what you wanted me to.
Bye.
I have always had issues with abandonment, and I guess that explains my apprehension about relationships. For the longest time I have stayed away from them out of fear of rejection or fear of being alone. I was dependant on many people around me, boys, crushes, friends... very little did I depend on my family, I never felt like I could trust them, like they had some bias towards me because we were related by blood. As the years go on, you increase the amount of dependancy on boys, crushes, boyfriends, friends or best friends and there is a new family born out of those same people. You grow further away from your family and you grow closer and even start to grow on your friends to form this large pyramid shaped bond. Your friends become the base and no matter how high you climb, you know you will never fall because you have the strongest base you could have ever imagined.
I never want to live in a house with a screen door that has etched glass on it. It seems the etched glass houses have foriegn feelings and make me shiver. Lately I have been getting that feeling every time I step out my front door. I don't know if that is because the August wind always has a hint of November or if it just feels like I'm in a foriegn place because I have never felt so alone or unwelcome.
It's not even a sad anymore, it's a nothing. I am experiencing this feeling which I have only had glimpses at. I have felt alone with someone. That was Febuary. I have felt numb before, that was the majority of gr. 10. I have felt afraid before, but never like this. I have never been more lonely than I am right now and it is not a matter of leaving my house. I have been doing that more and more lately. I am lonely by myself, that is true but I am even more lonely when I am around others and immursed with friends. Everyone says that I will feel better if I do this, or do that. Everyone is quick to judge and to offer suggestions and tell me what I should or should not be doing. Everyone is quick to answer questions that I never wanted to know the answer to and everyone seems to have an answer for me when I have no idea what the question is.
Sometimes I think my life is a movie and that maybe somewhere, somehow people are watching me. I play along with it occasionally. I went for a long walk yesterday that resulted in me being out for 2 hours walking in the rain. Inner monologue became scripts in the parkade and I hoped for someone to come for me. To tell me that it is ok for me to be afraid and that it is alright for me to wander. Then they would bring me home and lay with me in my bed with the covers up, they would hold my hand and let me cry and not tell me to "get myself together". I do not need to be forced. I need someone to hold my hand and just let me cry. To sit with me and let me just not say anything, to let me know it's ok to be quiet sometimes. Someone who will be slow motion with me even though the world is fast paced. I want a spiritual bond where nothing matters but our beating hearts and our hands holding each other, never letting go even when things are hard. But I have lost hope in that months ago, maybe even years ago. And to everyone: I'm sorry I could never be what you wanted me to.
Bye.