empress (of the lost)

[brainpanned]

who: river and doctor
what: forgiveness?
when: aug. 8
where: Bluebird
rating: G?
status: incomplete

Comments

[brainpanned]

"Kaylee can do that," River answered, not sounding very impressed by his grandiose claim. "Kept Serenity flying when she shouldn't have been." Her hand lovingly moved over the railing as she turned her gaze towards the console. "She's been here too. Kept bluebird flying..."

Her own words hypnotized her until she realized the Doctor had offered his help once again. One of the few Doctors that could do anything to fix her.

"I know what is needed," she spoke rapidly, hands dancing in the air as they wrote out imagined equations, "Devised it. The parts, our solution was fallacious because the entire sys-system was wrong. Doesn't have to be remedied or silenced. Instead organized; file cabinets-data cards two by four square." Her fingers froze and she stared at the space like there were real numbers occupying it. "Do you comprehend?"

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

"A place for everything and everything in its place?" the Doctor asked, thinking. "Alright, how about you show me where everything goes and I'll try and you organize that brilliant mind of yours. What do you think?"

[brainpanned]

"That is - if - if you do not mind." River felt terrible asking him to do these things for her, help her when she couldn't give him anything in return, and it showed in her eyes.

"Then I can go to the library?" she asked, biting her lip hopefully. She had not yet ventured past the console room out of fear of the Master, but that prospect didn't seem to bother her now.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

"Of course I don't mind," the Doctor cried, jumping to his feet and looking incredulous. "Why would I mind! It's like putting together a puzzle and I love a good puzzle. And, I rather like you," he added, grinning from ear to ear.

The Doctor studied her face. "The Master is here. I can ban him from the library while you're in there if you'd like," he offered softly.

[brainpanned]

River couldn't help but smile girlishly at the compliments, a proud blush coloring her cheeks. "Just hope all the pieces are in the box. It has to match the picture."

At the mention of the Master, she found her hands twisting together anxiously. "That would be - " her breath caught in her throat and she found speech elusive; when she spoke again, it was quiet. Resigned. "That would be appropriate."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor nodded. He knew the Master was interested in River, curious about her, and that concerned him. "I'll keep him busy," he said, smiling at River. "Let's see about getting things filed first, alright?"

He wasn't even certain of how they were going to accomplish what River wanted to do, but he was willing to try. Hopefully together they could figure out some kind of system help River help herself.

[brainpanned]

River may have been confused - lost in her own mental forest of torturous wonders - but she was still clever. Cleverer than most.

When he put his hands to her head (a warm, comforting gesture that River noticed he'd been doing quite a bit lately) River opened her mind entirely, letting the floodgate of sound and chaos wash forward.

She led him by the hand through the convoluted maze of memories, with his help untangling the knots until the pictures became lost their fuzzy glaze. Fragile things, memories, some already bent poorly into twisted shapes that resembled nothing of what they used to be. Barbs that used to be feathers, spears that were once chess pieces (how she used to love chess). She presented those thoughts and watched as he fitted the shattered pieces until it didn't quite look such a mess.

A place for everything...

There were places she didn't let him go and dark places River refused to touch. Patches of glowing blue like toxic waste eating at the thin walls that added up to "Girl".

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

It was an experience unlike any the Doctor had ever had. He'd brushed across many minds in his countless years, had delved deeper into some than others, but there had been nothing like this.

It was brilliant and beautiful yet he recognized the horrors that lurked within the shadows or River's mind. He wanted to so badly to shine a light on them, to expose them until they lost their bite, but he knew that he couldn't. There were things he couldn't do for River and that was one of them.

Together they put together pieces, building pictures though the frames and glass were broken. He could feel the excitement and pleasure when things became clear, and the frustration when the pictures stayed cloudy.

But they were making progress in organizing the chaos bound inside of River's mind.

[brainpanned]

Ironically, some of the most twisted images were the most recent. The visit with the dragon - River had been so happy then, absorbing everything she saw into her mental hard drive. His memories of the Doctor. Of War. [So much sadness in the way he moves his hands...the way he smiles but really doesn't...]

It hurt the most to realize just how many memories had been so easily forgotten. Her and Simon [she is eight years old] sitting in their living room and arguing about who made the biggest impact on modern physics [Albert Einstein or Isaac Newton? River argues the former and Simon only concedes when River begins crying and Daddy tells him to stop upsetting his little sister.]

Outside, River sniffled and made a quiet gasping sound. Inside, she numbly put the image aside and retreated farther and farther - until something she sensed made her blood run cold. Doctor - - that - - is not mine.

It felt tangible, like a computer program, like something hardwired to every cell of her being. And it wasn't hers it wasn't hers! River clawed

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor was trapped somewhere between fascination at the experience, and despair at the pain it was causing River. There were so many things just out of his reach, things that he knew would help her if he knew, but she would immediately lead him away, quickly slamming the doors.

When the terror gripped her, he wanted to pull her away, pull her out of the memory, but he wanted to see as well. Needed to see what scared her so badly.

Fighting, blood, screams, the crunch of bone, pain, gunfire.

Miranda

He chased after River, wrapping his mind around her, attempting to shelter her from the pain, afraid to leave her alone in her mind with the fear.

Shhh it can't hurt you, I've got you, you're safe. Come with me, River. Focus on my thoughts, focus on my voice.

The Doctor began talking aloud along with his thoughts, slowly pulling away, leading River along with him.

"That's it, just a little further," he coaxed, firmly holding her head between his hands, unwilling to break contact until she was with him.

[brainpanned]

Miranda.

The word made something click; suddenly the machinery fell into her hands, her world tainted by a sheen of hypnotic blue. And there was the enemy.

River's hand was a fist, cutting through air and space, colliding hard with his chest. Her body was an extension of the motion, taking hold of the tie she had examined before with such love, pulling it back, and with a practiced yank, sending him to the floor behind her.

She was on him, then, with moves only a dancer could accomplish as her hand closed around his throat and her eyes watched his - unfocused.

The blankness in those eyes, pupils dilated, void of emotion, was possibly the most terrifying thing of all.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor thought it was alright, that she was finding her way out, not going further in. The blow to his chest was so unexpected that he didn't have time to even think about reacting before he was flipping over and landing on his back against the metal grating of the TARDIS floor.

His fingers latched around River's wrists, squeezing them tightly. He didn't want to hurt her and he really didn't want her to hurt him, if for no other reason than he knew it would break her.

Unable to speak with her hands so tightly around his throat, he reached out with his mind. What he found scared him more than anything else. It was all white noise, blocking out everything that was River.

RIVER! Stop! Listen to me, River. The Sun now rose upon the right:
Out of the sea came he, Still hid in mist, and on the left Went down into the sea. What's next, River? Brilliant, beautiful, River, what comes next?

He could feel the pressure building behind his eyes, and even with his special physiology, he still needed air.

RIVER WHAT COMES NEXT?!

[brainpanned]

Her knee pushed hard into his chest, digging into his ribs; River the Soldier narrowed her eyes and wondered why she had not yet killed him

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

Her grip was loosening and the Doctor inhaled, taking oxygen into his blood, clearing his mind. The Doctor could see her expression change as her mind tried to solve the puzzle of what came next. When she started to speak the next line, he nodded in encouragement, her hands beginning to slide away from her neck.

When she scrambled away looking horrified, he crawled toward her, making soothing noises.

"Shh, it's okay," he said, holding up his hands. "It's ok, see, I'm fine, I'm fine," he repeated, despite the fact his throat felt raw and he was pretty certain he had a huge lump where his head had hit the floor.

"River, look at me," he said, his voice low and calm as he slowly reached for her, pushing her hands gently down. "River, it's okay, I found you, see," he said, smiling. "I found you."

[brainpanned]

River pulled herself away from him as much as the wall would allow, trying desperately not to let him touch her. She couldn't understand what was happening or why she had done the things she did. The reasons all made no sense - even with the new clarity that the Doctor had helped her find.

"Don't - ! Hurt you..." Her voice broke as her fingers moved to his throat, pulling back fearfully at the last second. She splayed her trembling hand over her mouth. "Hurt you...Can't pretend. I'm dangerous."

There was so much of everything to her now; shame, horror, sorrow. Here was the only man in the universe that could - no, that wanted to - help her, and she'd almost killed him. Would Kaylee be next? River curled into herself, wishing to disappear.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

"You did," the Doctor agreed, "but I'm fine now, see?" he said, reaching out a hand, moving slowly like you would do with a scared animal. "You didn't mean to, I know you didn't mean to, it's alright," he said, resting his hand lightly on her arm. When she didn't immediately pull away, he shifted a little closer.

"You could have killed me, but you didn't," he said softly, sliding an arm around her shoulder. "You didn't, you stopped," he pointed out, gently pulling her against his chest. "But you didn't, you stopped and you remembered."

He rocked River gently, repeating the soothing noises and reassurances over and over.