empress (of the lost)

[brainpanned]

who: river and doctor
what: forgiveness?
when: aug. 8
where: Bluebird
rating: G?
status: incomplete

Comments

[brainpanned]

Her knee pushed hard into his chest, digging into his ribs; River the Soldier narrowed her eyes and wondered why she had not yet killed him.

Words. Words seemed so familiar to her. She could remember speaking them, using her mouth in conjunction with her vocal cords to form thought into syllable. And there were words in her head from a familiar voice. Something about it...her grip slackened enough to let him breathe.

There was panic and fear all around her, coming from him, from the walls. Yet it did not register in the usual way. It wasn't her own. Still, his words permeated her skull, garbled by the noise inside into binary madness.

What came next? A challenge and a puzzle and a question she had to answer.

"A-and the good ssouth wind still - blew behind. B-but no sweet b-bird did f-follow." Her voice was quiet and distorted, but something came back to those eyes. They grew wide - impossibly wide with horror. "...no sweet bird did follow..."

River the Girl let go and skittered back as far from the Doctor as the room allowed, staring at her hands while her mouth opened and closed in silent screams.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

Her grip was loosening and the Doctor inhaled, taking oxygen into his blood, clearing his mind. The Doctor could see her expression change as her mind tried to solve the puzzle of what came next. When she started to speak the next line, he nodded in encouragement, her hands beginning to slide away from her neck.

When she scrambled away looking horrified, he crawled toward her, making soothing noises.

"Shh, it's okay," he said, holding up his hands. "It's ok, see, I'm fine, I'm fine," he repeated, despite the fact his throat felt raw and he was pretty certain he had a huge lump where his head had hit the floor.

"River, look at me," he said, his voice low and calm as he slowly reached for her, pushing her hands gently down. "River, it's okay, I found you, see," he said, smiling. "I found you."

[brainpanned]

River pulled herself away from him as much as the wall would allow, trying desperately not to let him touch her. She couldn't understand what was happening or why she had done the things she did. The reasons all made no sense - even with the new clarity that the Doctor had helped her find.

"Don't - ! Hurt you..." Her voice broke as her fingers moved to his throat, pulling back fearfully at the last second. She splayed her trembling hand over her mouth. "Hurt you...Can't pretend. I'm dangerous."

There was so much of everything to her now; shame, horror, sorrow. Here was the only man in the universe that could - no, that wanted to - help her, and she'd almost killed him. Would Kaylee be next? River curled into herself, wishing to disappear.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

"You did," the Doctor agreed, "but I'm fine now, see?" he said, reaching out a hand, moving slowly like you would do with a scared animal. "You didn't mean to, I know you didn't mean to, it's alright," he said, resting his hand lightly on her arm. When she didn't immediately pull away, he shifted a little closer.

"You could have killed me, but you didn't," he said softly, sliding an arm around her shoulder. "You didn't, you stopped," he pointed out, gently pulling her against his chest. "But you didn't, you stopped and you remembered."

He rocked River gently, repeating the soothing noises and reassurances over and over.

[brainpanned]

Only for you were in my head. If Kaylee, I -

River was finding it too hard to speak. She let him hold her because it was comforting, because she'd adopted him as her family. The gentle rocking and the beat of his hearts calmed her, allowing her to close her eyes without fear.

"So sorry. So so sorry. Don't deserve this isn't right. Making everything complicated. Two by two when in actuality one by one. It's River causing all this pain."

She reached once more to his neck to touch the welts that reminded her of her fingers. Let her destroy herself, Doctor. Already beyond repair. She decided life was easier to deal with when Simon had her on so much medication she felt sick.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

No.

The Doctor closed his eyes, focusing on his body, healing the visible signs of damage on his neck. When he was certain the marks were gone, he opened his eyes.

Knowing he needed to get River away from her current train of thought, he began telling her a story, sharing a part of himself with her. It was of a time long ago, when he was just a boy on Gallifrey, trying to learn how to live after looking into the time vortex, seeing all of space and time. How terrifying it was, but he managed to survive and learned to cope. Just like River would learn to do.

[brainpanned]

River allowed herself to be immersed in his story, silent until the only sign she was still awake was the irregularity of her breathing. She could not wrap her reasoning around the Time Lords' insistence that children be traumatized by looking into the heart of everything.

"And you kept running," she softly answered when his story came to a close. She chewed on her lower lip, giving a low, shuddering breath. "I'm running. Won't touch it won't let you touch it." She paused then, her words half-questioning, half-pleading with him, "Will you lock me up in TARDIS too? M'dangerous like Him."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor smiled gently at River. "No, I won't lock you up here. You're meant for sunshine and people, not for this, River. We're going to make it better, you and me, alright?"

Then he smiled brightly, his voice lightening. "Just a bit of organizing, that's all! It's going to take some time, but nice thing about being a Time Lord is that I have loads of it. Now, it seems to me that someone wanted a peek at my library," he said, nudging River. "What do you say? Want to see?"

[brainpanned]

Calmed down some, she realized the last thing she wanted to do was go back into her own mind. She couldn't face what was in there anymore than she could stop it. Maybe the next time the Doctor was there, the soldier in her wouldn't hesitate to kill him - and that would be the end of them both.

River nodded gratefully in response to his offer, smiling at him with so much respect and adoration. The idea of a Time Lord's library seemed incredible.

They helped each other stand, River unsure of who needed the assistance more. "Library," she said decisively. "I'd like to."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

Smiling, the Doctor held his hand, squeezing River's reassuringly when she took it. For a moment he focused on the Master, trying to sense where he was at the moment, but he couldn't feel more than the fact that he was there. The Master was shielding himself against him, his walls as strong as mortar.

"Come on then, there's books waiting for you!"

Once River was settled, he'd go find the other Time Lord and ensure he left the girl alone.

[brainpanned]

"I can stay there?" she asked hopefully. "Til I'm - " she didn't know what word to use. It was more a complex series of emotions. Til she was better. Til she knew she wouldn't hurt anyone else she loved. Til she could breathe regularly.

Clearing her throat, River squeezed his hand in return. "I'd like to read."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

"You can stay for awhile," he said gently. "But you can't hide away in there forever. Kaylee would be sad if just up and disappeared on her. And it wouldn't be safe for you here."

Not with the Master.

"But yes, you can stay there and read, and you can always come back again, alright?"

Isolating River from the rest of the world was the last thing she needed.

[brainpanned]

"'course not." She looked disappointed, averting her eyes from his as they made their way deeper into the TARDIS. River, conversely, wanted isolation. It was easy to feel organized and normal with books. Books couldn't judge you and call you insane and cut into your head with sharp things.

"Wouldn't be proper. Wouldn't be safe - for either of you."

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor couldn't argue, at least the it wouldn't be safe. But it wasn't himself that he was worried about. River and the Master were both capable of hurting the other badly, and he wouldn't risk that.

"No need to worry about all of that," the Doctor said, stopping in front of a closed door. "Right now all you need to worry about, is what you're going to read first," he grinned, opening the door and motioning River inside.

[brainpanned]

The library was huge - massive - with shelves and shelves of books in which River could so easily lose herself. Her hands traveled up to her heart (she only had one, River noted) and she made a quiet, surprised, "Oh!"

Her fingers traced the spines of books as she picked titles seemingly at random. The Joy of Achmidian Art. Galbaris Physics: Why Up is Sometimes Down. Dance in the Dalek World: What not to do. All those books fell from her hands, however, as she gave a shout of glee and surprise.

The volume in her hands was titled 26th Century Ships and How to Fly Them (A Practical Study.) "Here!" She hurried back to the Doctor, setting the book with a thump on the nearest table and flipping through it madly. "Here..." Her finger shook as she traced the image of true familiarity. Of Serenity.

[xx_doctorwho_xx]

The Doctor's hearts soared as he watched River's eyes devour the books. The gentle way she stroked the spines, treasuring them the way the Doctor did.

Curious as to what had her so excited, he looked at the page she had open. "Oooh a 03-K64 Firefly-class mid-bulk cargo transport! I've never actually seen one, but Kaylee's told me about out the engines and what not. Oh! This is where you lived wasn't it? On a cargo transport!" he cried, the light turning on in his mind.