From MySpace to LJ... huzzah.
I wrote this last night and decided to post it here, too.. sooooo.. yup.
It's amazing what one-day can do to a girl's life. It's amazing how one person can so drastically affect the path she was walking. It's amazing that, after swearing to herself never to "let it happen again"…. It can…. in a blinding fury. It's amazing to find out that I-- who was once so strong for so many others-- can, while continuing to bear their loads, hardly be strong for myself.
It's 3am (or so) and here I am, sitting up, more ill than I've felt in a long time… and I can't stop thinking. For the better part of 22 years I've been a sickeningly optimistic person. I've smiled through the biggest heartbreaks… I've laughed when it seemed impossible... I've hugged "enemies"... I've loved the "unlovable"… And all it took was one conversation with my mother to show me that I've lost SO much of that person. I've become nearly dead to myself. I fought with her... about God. For all the time that I've spent asking people why they don't believe in God... or how they could believe He'd give up on them, turn His back on them……. I told my mom, tonight, that I'm done reaching for a God that never reaches back. In that instant I wanted to smack myself. I almost did, too. I realized that I'm SO torn-up about so many things that I don't even know how to believe in what I've believed in my WHOLE life, anymore. It makes me want to turn my back on myself.
The New Year hasn't brought much good for me, so far. My health doesn't SEEM to be failing, currently but we have yet to see how tonight goes. I've been juggling around the idea of going to the ER for hours now. It's not good, folks-- not good at all. Between the lack of doctor's visits, tests run… and biopsies... I have no idea beyond an inkling what's going on with my body. It's terrifying. Also, I have loved ones leaving, dying, and disappearing… and, for those of you who know me, I always ask myself that I did wrong... What I could have done better... and, because of that, I've not only lost faith in myself… I've lost faith in everything I've ever had faith in.
I've become bitter and angry. ((I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold)) I've always been a cynic but never to the extent that I now find myself becoming. I've always believed that people were ultimately good… but, now… I don't know that I do. I survey a world in which I feel isolated… and am speechless with all the pain and selfishness and greed and hate and LIES I see. I… people that I've thought the world of… are around me becoming the people that I've been helping to free them of for years. I don't know if that makes sense… but, to me, it does. I've beheld SO many beautiful people in my life and have been so passionate about who they were in their hearts… I… it kills me, is all. This kills me.
I woke up today-- after a RIDICULOUS night-- with the understanding that I can never truly go back. I woke up with my heart in my throat in a manner that it's not been in months. I've read, today… and I've written. I end up feeling ever alone and cold. I end up believing that people REALLY do have on/off switches… and… for all my fighting… I have no control over when they're on… and when they're flipped suddenly, viciously off…..
I used to be the person who would read entries just like this one I'm writing now and leave comments invoking "warm fuzzies" in my loves. I'd remind them how much I loved them. I'd tell them never to worry- I'd always be there. I understood them, always... and I always took the time to read... or listen…. It's a gift maybe? or a curse? I don't know. Thinking about all the people that I've touched just that way……. I wonder where MY "me" is. I wonder if I'm brutally alone to always be the "lover" and never the "loved"…… I've always been the first to hold a hand, give a hug, lend an ear, offer help in any manner I can.……… and, it feels that when I am at the lowest of lows, all the people that I've aided over the years have forgotten who I was to them… what I was to them… or, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've been vain in thinking that I've touched so many people. Either I've never been a big impact on their lives (like I thought) or I've become someone worthy of being walked on and forgotten about and left to battle alone.
I wonder, daily, where all the good people are. I wonder about this phrase I've many times read about... "unconditional love"… and where, in this pit I find myself in, I can get me some. ((I know there must be some way out of here and all of them will be waiting there)) I've never been fair-weathered… nor turned my back on people who, if we're being honest, most others would have walked away from. I can't. I love people. I genuinely love people. I hurt when they hurt… like many people can't understand. If you're reading this-- I've probably cried for you more than you know.
….. and I cry, still. But, dammit all… I'm about ready to forget a world that's seemingly forgotten about me. I don't know how to stop being selfless or loving the hell out of people… but I do know how to make my own pain go away in order to continue doing what I've been doing for years. It breaks my heart to think about having to break my heart this way. Ironic, eh? Life never been anything but….
It's amazing what one-day can do to a girl's life. It's amazing how one person can so drastically affect the path she was walking. It's amazing that, after swearing to herself never to "let it happen again"…. It can…. in a blinding fury. It's amazing to find out that I-- who was once so strong for so many others-- can, while continuing to bear their loads, hardly be strong for myself.
It's 3am (or so) and here I am, sitting up, more ill than I've felt in a long time… and I can't stop thinking. For the better part of 22 years I've been a sickeningly optimistic person. I've smiled through the biggest heartbreaks… I've laughed when it seemed impossible... I've hugged "enemies"... I've loved the "unlovable"… And all it took was one conversation with my mother to show me that I've lost SO much of that person. I've become nearly dead to myself. I fought with her... about God. For all the time that I've spent asking people why they don't believe in God... or how they could believe He'd give up on them, turn His back on them……. I told my mom, tonight, that I'm done reaching for a God that never reaches back. In that instant I wanted to smack myself. I almost did, too. I realized that I'm SO torn-up about so many things that I don't even know how to believe in what I've believed in my WHOLE life, anymore. It makes me want to turn my back on myself.
The New Year hasn't brought much good for me, so far. My health doesn't SEEM to be failing, currently but we have yet to see how tonight goes. I've been juggling around the idea of going to the ER for hours now. It's not good, folks-- not good at all. Between the lack of doctor's visits, tests run… and biopsies... I have no idea beyond an inkling what's going on with my body. It's terrifying. Also, I have loved ones leaving, dying, and disappearing… and, for those of you who know me, I always ask myself that I did wrong... What I could have done better... and, because of that, I've not only lost faith in myself… I've lost faith in everything I've ever had faith in.
I've become bitter and angry. ((I am exhumed just a little less human and lot more bitter and cold)) I've always been a cynic but never to the extent that I now find myself becoming. I've always believed that people were ultimately good… but, now… I don't know that I do. I survey a world in which I feel isolated… and am speechless with all the pain and selfishness and greed and hate and LIES I see. I… people that I've thought the world of… are around me becoming the people that I've been helping to free them of for years. I don't know if that makes sense… but, to me, it does. I've beheld SO many beautiful people in my life and have been so passionate about who they were in their hearts… I… it kills me, is all. This kills me.
I woke up today-- after a RIDICULOUS night-- with the understanding that I can never truly go back. I woke up with my heart in my throat in a manner that it's not been in months. I've read, today… and I've written. I end up feeling ever alone and cold. I end up believing that people REALLY do have on/off switches… and… for all my fighting… I have no control over when they're on… and when they're flipped suddenly, viciously off…..
I used to be the person who would read entries just like this one I'm writing now and leave comments invoking "warm fuzzies" in my loves. I'd remind them how much I loved them. I'd tell them never to worry- I'd always be there. I understood them, always... and I always took the time to read... or listen…. It's a gift maybe? or a curse? I don't know. Thinking about all the people that I've touched just that way……. I wonder where MY "me" is. I wonder if I'm brutally alone to always be the "lover" and never the "loved"…… I've always been the first to hold a hand, give a hug, lend an ear, offer help in any manner I can.……… and, it feels that when I am at the lowest of lows, all the people that I've aided over the years have forgotten who I was to them… what I was to them… or, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've been vain in thinking that I've touched so many people. Either I've never been a big impact on their lives (like I thought) or I've become someone worthy of being walked on and forgotten about and left to battle alone.
I wonder, daily, where all the good people are. I wonder about this phrase I've many times read about... "unconditional love"… and where, in this pit I find myself in, I can get me some. ((I know there must be some way out of here and all of them will be waiting there)) I've never been fair-weathered… nor turned my back on people who, if we're being honest, most others would have walked away from. I can't. I love people. I genuinely love people. I hurt when they hurt… like many people can't understand. If you're reading this-- I've probably cried for you more than you know.
….. and I cry, still. But, dammit all… I'm about ready to forget a world that's seemingly forgotten about me. I don't know how to stop being selfless or loving the hell out of people… but I do know how to make my own pain go away in order to continue doing what I've been doing for years. It breaks my heart to think about having to break my heart this way. Ironic, eh? Life never been anything but….