What's the bloody point?
There are some big changes going on in my life at the moment and I think they all came to a head last night when I sort of lost the plot a little bit.
On Wednesday I’m moving into a flat in Reading as I’m going to be working down here until at least June 07. There are a number of reasons why this is a good thing such as its more cost effective for my company and it gives me more flexibility with my travel and should take the pressure off me, but it doesn’t feel that good.
It feels like my whole life is going in the wrong direction. I don’t want to live in Reading and it feels like I’ve just moved here against my better judgement. It also feels that I’ve got no reason so be living in Manchester anymore. I hardly see my friends because they are all settled and most of them now have children so there really is no reason for me to be living up there.
On top of the move I’m having major financial problems at the moment. I’ve bought it all on myself as I took out a £10k loan in my name for my friend last year because she was in trouble, she made all the usual promises to keep up with the payments etc….and yes folks you guessed it she didn’t.
So I’m now left having to find an extra £200 plus a month to pay for someone else’s loan, which is a struggle. I’m in more debt now then the national average and can’t see a way of getting out of it. It doesn’t help that the aforementioned friend’s mother also owes me £300 which I could really do with just about now!
I just don’t know where I’m going with my life anymore. I’m stuck in a rut with my career, I’m 34 next birthday, single and have been forever. My longest relationship lasted two weeks and was when I was 22 and I don’t have the opportunity to ever meet anyone. My free time is spent watching TV, going to the supermarket and that’s about it.
My life hasn’t turned out anything like I expected it too and it just seems to be getting worse. I’ve got no fight left anymore, it shouldn’t be this hard and I know it sounds daft but I really don’t feel I have anything to get up for in the morning. I’m a person in the background that no-one really notices and if I wasn’t around who would care?
I was doing so well earlier this year, I’d lost two stone and felt good about myself. Now I’ve put on all the weight I lost and I really dislike everything about myself and can’t be bothered anymore, what’s the bloody point?