(no subject)
Things this week have been so tedious, more so than usual. The boring things, that is, not the fun things (though the Pride affirmations activity last night did feel like it dragged a bit idk), but I keep ending up in class or at work like 'holy shit i am so bored and i do not want to be here at all and i still have over an hour to go' and it sucks. I was anxious again going into work (because I'd been anxious already, since I got stressed about mingling with professors at the luncheon and then rambling to Amber and it was that sick feeling of self-disgust) and then once it wore off I was just so tired I felt like a ghost. I felt useless, like I was just there and I could have tried more to interact but I just didn't. As we were walking back across the bridge after GU we were joking about the wind being so strong it would blow us into the river and I was like 'I would not mind that, because then I wouldn't have to do all the things'. Peter wasn't at GU tonight and it made me feel guilty again for missing group and I hope they remembered I wasn't going to be there, but they didn't call me so I guess they must have.
Some sounds and smells that bothered me today: super strong cut grass smell on the way back to Monagan after the luncheon and then super gross smell in the stairwell, one of the students in my AVID group blowing on his necklace or doing things with his hands (like drumming), that fruity air freshener, the whiff of Rose's soap I got at one point, two students talking louder than they needed to at LHA
I was thinking more about maybe having OCD and so here are some things that might suggest that: the prayer thing I do at night is 100% a ritual like the definition of OCD ritual, often if I'm looking at the ground as I walk I feel like I should avoid stepping on the big cracks that divide pavement tiles (but not if I avoid looking at the ground), my nail thing, dermatillomania, sometimes thoughts get stuck in a loop in my head and I'll catch on to one thing to keep being anxious about (like the Hannah thing which I obsessed over for way longer than necessary), intrusive thoughts about death/how I'm a failure/how my friends don't like me, sometimes I feel like I need to check to make sure my alarm is set for tomorrow or I'm parked within the lines (which is arguably rational), having to get at least over seven preferably more hours of sleep and getting anxious if I go to bed too late that I will feel awful the next day because I didn't get enough sleep, probably the thing where I worry that I will get a headache if I don't have tea in the morning (bc caffeine withdrawl or something). But like I don't know if any of those things impact me badly enough to warrant a separate OCD diagnosis because the ones that have the biggest impact are the like anxiety ones so are they (like what I saw described tonight in a post on tumblr) OCD symptoms as part of generalized anxiety disorder or something? I have been feeling like I don't just have social anxiety because yes, a lot of my worries revolve around things to do with my friends but not all of them and I don't have some of the classic symptoms like I don't have a huge problem with public speaking or talking in classes most of the time. Idk.
In gender news: today one of my professors had to speak about me at the Powell luncheon and avoided misgendering me by using my name in place of pronouns, which was cool. Also it came up again that Dr. Weick still uses the wrong pronouns and I was like 'to be fair, I haven't corrected her' and that I usually don't correct people when they mess up my pronouns because my approach to everything is "this is fine" (picture the meme with the dog at a table surrounded by fire sipping coffee and saying that) and I felt like Rose was weird about that a little. And then it made me feel like I should be correcting people but like no, that makes me so uncomfortable.
Some sounds and smells that bothered me today: super strong cut grass smell on the way back to Monagan after the luncheon and then super gross smell in the stairwell, one of the students in my AVID group blowing on his necklace or doing things with his hands (like drumming), that fruity air freshener, the whiff of Rose's soap I got at one point, two students talking louder than they needed to at LHA
I was thinking more about maybe having OCD and so here are some things that might suggest that: the prayer thing I do at night is 100% a ritual like the definition of OCD ritual, often if I'm looking at the ground as I walk I feel like I should avoid stepping on the big cracks that divide pavement tiles (but not if I avoid looking at the ground), my nail thing, dermatillomania, sometimes thoughts get stuck in a loop in my head and I'll catch on to one thing to keep being anxious about (like the Hannah thing which I obsessed over for way longer than necessary), intrusive thoughts about death/how I'm a failure/how my friends don't like me, sometimes I feel like I need to check to make sure my alarm is set for tomorrow or I'm parked within the lines (which is arguably rational), having to get at least over seven preferably more hours of sleep and getting anxious if I go to bed too late that I will feel awful the next day because I didn't get enough sleep, probably the thing where I worry that I will get a headache if I don't have tea in the morning (bc caffeine withdrawl or something). But like I don't know if any of those things impact me badly enough to warrant a separate OCD diagnosis because the ones that have the biggest impact are the like anxiety ones so are they (like what I saw described tonight in a post on tumblr) OCD symptoms as part of generalized anxiety disorder or something? I have been feeling like I don't just have social anxiety because yes, a lot of my worries revolve around things to do with my friends but not all of them and I don't have some of the classic symptoms like I don't have a huge problem with public speaking or talking in classes most of the time. Idk.
In gender news: today one of my professors had to speak about me at the Powell luncheon and avoided misgendering me by using my name in place of pronouns, which was cool. Also it came up again that Dr. Weick still uses the wrong pronouns and I was like 'to be fair, I haven't corrected her' and that I usually don't correct people when they mess up my pronouns because my approach to everything is "this is fine" (picture the meme with the dog at a table surrounded by fire sipping coffee and saying that) and I felt like Rose was weird about that a little. And then it made me feel like I should be correcting people but like no, that makes me so uncomfortable.