(no subject)
It's almost 12:30am and I should be going to bed so I can get sleep for tomorrow but I feel like the world is closing in and I'm not going to fall asleep soon so I figured it might be easier if I wrote down what I'm feeling instead of working it out as I'm lying in bed. There are too many things tomorrow. Breakfast and class (easy), then the Powell Luncheon and a brief break period before work. I feel bad about missing group especially since Christine wanted to check in on if I felt like I'd gotten what I wanted out of group and like kind of? I didn't really have a goal, I wanted a place to be able to talk about my feelings if I needed to and maybe get better about actually talking about them, which I didn't really have the opportunity to work on since it seemed like everyone else had more important things to deal with and I rarely had like specific things to bring to group anyway. More like I have good days and bad days and I'm not as depressed this semester I think so that's good but it doesn't leave me with as much to talk about for the most part. I am so ready to be done with work though, I get so stressed about it. It's so long and usually the after school program is so boring and I feel useless and I can't go to the bathroom. I was so anxious at the start on Tuesday and then I got so numb by the end that I didn't want to talk to anyone or interact with people except maybe a little electronically.
I feel like I should have been more productive tonight, gotten things done ahead of time. I need to do my presentation for Saturday and then I don't get to sleep in and I have a paper due on Monday which is fortunately mostly done but still. And then it's almost finals and I have a paper due next Friday and then another the week after and my History of China final. And we're going to see Age of Ultron, but after finals it's graduation and I have so many things to go to and it's so early in the morning and it's going to be so weird to be done with undergrad. And then I go home and I hope I'll be okay and I have to study for all the CSETs and go to the dentist and then it's Fanime. And then I get a break until I start summer classes and idk if they'll want me to volunteer at the summer school thing and I don't know what my classes will be like or my schedule and shit I need to find an apartment too. And there are so many things.
I have been excited about things with an intensity that is mildly distressing these past couple weeks. Like last week I was so into writing my story that I couldn't stop thinking about it and I did it instead of other things I should have been doing and everyone congratulated me on getting it done early and I felt weird for being stressed out by it. And then I wanted to talk about it and felt like no one wanted to hear it. I worry that I've been boring or annoying my friends by talking too much about the same things, like Marvel and last week my story. Today I was so into Daredevil comics that I found it hard to switch gears to paying attention in my History of Germany class and I got anxious. I get anxious so often in that class, I think maybe it's just not at a good time. I had the thought today that maybe I'm using comics to fill the void in my life where my self-worth should be. And tonight I definitely used them as an escape to not have to think about all the things that are going to happen in my life.
I bet the after school classroom is going to smell like fruity air freshener tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not a fan of the new berry soap Adrian got but I don't want to say anything. I really want fae to take out the litterbox from under the sink so I can stop having to periodically brush my teeth across the room by the shower, but I keep forgetting to bring it up and I feel like fae has probably forgotten. They had some sort of funnel cake event at school today and it made it smell like a carnival. At one point I was walking to class and it smelled like cotton candy and the sky was grey but the air was warm and heavy and it made me want to write about it. Then as I was walking to PacFem the cotton candy smell was gone but it was so empty and still that I felt like I was walking through a movie set and the trees were just props.
I know my friends appreciate me and so I can't use the excuse with myself that they don't want to be around me and I feel guilty about not being able to appreciate myself more. I feel annoying and like I can't carry on a conversation properly sometimes and yet I win all these awards and get great grades and my life seems so perfect but I feel like a mess, it just doesn't show. And I don't know what's going on with me but I don't want to do things or deal with the real world right now, I just want to wrap myself in a cozy cocoon and not have time pass too fast (or too slow, like in class) and I can do that right now because I'm going to go to bed, but I know my alarm will come before I'm ready.
I feel like I should have been more productive tonight, gotten things done ahead of time. I need to do my presentation for Saturday and then I don't get to sleep in and I have a paper due on Monday which is fortunately mostly done but still. And then it's almost finals and I have a paper due next Friday and then another the week after and my History of China final. And we're going to see Age of Ultron, but after finals it's graduation and I have so many things to go to and it's so early in the morning and it's going to be so weird to be done with undergrad. And then I go home and I hope I'll be okay and I have to study for all the CSETs and go to the dentist and then it's Fanime. And then I get a break until I start summer classes and idk if they'll want me to volunteer at the summer school thing and I don't know what my classes will be like or my schedule and shit I need to find an apartment too. And there are so many things.
I have been excited about things with an intensity that is mildly distressing these past couple weeks. Like last week I was so into writing my story that I couldn't stop thinking about it and I did it instead of other things I should have been doing and everyone congratulated me on getting it done early and I felt weird for being stressed out by it. And then I wanted to talk about it and felt like no one wanted to hear it. I worry that I've been boring or annoying my friends by talking too much about the same things, like Marvel and last week my story. Today I was so into Daredevil comics that I found it hard to switch gears to paying attention in my History of Germany class and I got anxious. I get anxious so often in that class, I think maybe it's just not at a good time. I had the thought today that maybe I'm using comics to fill the void in my life where my self-worth should be. And tonight I definitely used them as an escape to not have to think about all the things that are going to happen in my life.
I bet the after school classroom is going to smell like fruity air freshener tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not a fan of the new berry soap Adrian got but I don't want to say anything. I really want fae to take out the litterbox from under the sink so I can stop having to periodically brush my teeth across the room by the shower, but I keep forgetting to bring it up and I feel like fae has probably forgotten. They had some sort of funnel cake event at school today and it made it smell like a carnival. At one point I was walking to class and it smelled like cotton candy and the sky was grey but the air was warm and heavy and it made me want to write about it. Then as I was walking to PacFem the cotton candy smell was gone but it was so empty and still that I felt like I was walking through a movie set and the trees were just props.
I know my friends appreciate me and so I can't use the excuse with myself that they don't want to be around me and I feel guilty about not being able to appreciate myself more. I feel annoying and like I can't carry on a conversation properly sometimes and yet I win all these awards and get great grades and my life seems so perfect but I feel like a mess, it just doesn't show. And I don't know what's going on with me but I don't want to do things or deal with the real world right now, I just want to wrap myself in a cozy cocoon and not have time pass too fast (or too slow, like in class) and I can do that right now because I'm going to go to bed, but I know my alarm will come before I'm ready.