Photo Expo Event and a Mental/Emotional Low
Hi. Have been lurking for a long while.
There is an event tonight at a cupcake shop, in which student photos will be exhibited. I was invited by a former classmate to come and read poetry, along with others; we're supposed to look at the photos and write poems inspired by them.
It will be at night, I cannot get anywhere myself because I have not been taught to drive despite the learner's license expiring next January because it's not a priority for my family and I don't harass them enough, and I assumed I wouldn't be able to go because my father said last week it couldn't happen (he has a meeting of whatever-I-forgot all night until midnight). Late yesterday night, he told me my grandmother had spoken with my uncle, and that he would pick me up from the event, and ostensibly bring me back home. I say ostensibly, because I don't know if that's actually true or just what my dad told me, since I frequently get told something is true only for others to have other plans without telling me.
I was completely sure that I wouldn't be able to go, and only a bit conflicted about it. I never confirmed with the classmate that I would. Originally, the event was last week, and I wasn't sure I was going to go until the very last day even though I talked to my mother about it a week beforehand so she would know to take me. I was already uncomfortable with it anyway, because it is a social event, and because of my writing, which I haven't done much of. It's hard to write, but especially when choosing to be inspired by a photo from a limited selection, and unlike a previous event I don't get to see the photos days earlier. As I can't write instantly - words are very hard for me, I mean literally I cannot just write anything (quality has nothing to do with it, though it is an issue, but I really can't just write words and am not referring to worry about the quality) - that is a problem.
She told me the photos would be up last week on Friday, but I didn't get the chance to go. I went Saturday because I hadn't confirmed and therefore hadn't been told about the change in date, and though it was closed I saw no pictures on the wall through the front (which was all windows). I didn't ask again, because that very Saturday was when my father said he couldn't take me, and part of my family is on vacation, so they couldn't. That was abruptly changed last night.
I was sent another email earlier this week, saying the information could be found on Facebook. It is indeed on Facebook, and it tells me stuff I didn't know, like: live music, semi-formal dress, and several pictures on the flyer that might or might not the ones exhibited. They look like they might be, if only because of the title of the event being about exalting service. To reiterate, I only looked that up today, because I was sure I'd be unable to go.
That's discouraging, because I'm often not comfortable with live music (or music played at places in general, but live has been especially painful), particularly live music in the small enclosed space that is the shop. That isn't always true and it depends on the instruments used, but an enclosed space is definitely bad for tolerating music even if I'm just supposed to sit there and do nothing but eat, let alone write poetry and/or mingle. I'm not comfortable with dress codes, especially the more formal they get. I'd have to spend time figuring out what semi-formal is and how to dress. For the last event I attended in just jeans and a shirt, like I usually dress for everything. I'm also still uncomfortable because of the pictures. If the ones on the flyer are it, then they're all of people. I don't know what to with people. I can't write character study anythings. People's faces are just hard to write anything about or get anything about. What am I supposed to do, call and ask if the pictures on the flyer are the ones to be exhibited? Maybe, but then I have to call, and talk to a person, and imply that I might go, when the last time I emailed the person was weeks ago just to ask when I could see the photos. I don't want to raise the expectation that I'll go. Yet another discouraging factor is that I'd have to be picked up by my uncle.
Spending time with family pushes me to meltdowns, especially people outside the nuclear family that I'm not used to seeing. Interacting with him in particular puts me on edge. I don't want to be around him or owe him, and I feel shitty just for writing that. I've even gotten into the default habit of sounding reluctant and others would say sulky/whiny/rude jerk when I talk to them, because I expect nothing good and they hardly ever give me reason to think otherwise. And because they never ever stop talking to me in ways that make me unhappy, never. They don't care, my feelings aren't real unless they're a nuisance or sign that I'm some stupid ungrateful child or nasty monster or some combination of that. They just talk, are loud, and force their touch on me and are just awful to be around. I'd trade the things they give me, without my asking for it by the way, like money for birthday presents, food my grandmothers' make, and chores one of them does around the house despite knowing I don't want her doing them, for not having to see them or talk to them unless they act differently or maybe on my terms only, but I don't get the choice. Just having them show up or call makes me default into miserable, and I sound and act like it.
That ties into a bigger general situation I'm in, where I'm forced to rely on family - and set up as a child so I can't see any choices between relying on family or being poor and out on the streets - and so I feel constantly guilty and am prompted by them to feel that way, for not wanting to spend time around them, for not wanting them to be involved, for them pushing me to meltdowns and light self-harm when I have to rely on them for everything. ( Hopefully this isn't wrong or hurtful to say. I don't want to appropriate a term. I think 'light self-harm' is the best term for not causing actual injury while hitting myself, tearing at my hair, castigating myself and them repeatedly in my head and with unaimed speech, and not eating when I know I'm hungry because I can't. I do those things, but I always stop short of a wound or anything visible, anything that would require fixing up, because I just don't want to deal with the consequences of my family dealing with it. I don't trust them, don't want to hurt them on some level, and am completely at their mercy because that's how I've been raised, as s dependent. Whether part of that is my fault or not, I just don't want to go into it.) But let me get back to today's concrete situation.
So, I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should go, and that is the reason I was conflicted ever since I found about it. I feel like I owe it to her to go, and also that it will somehow be good for my career. I don't know if that's true, but I feel like I'm just supposed to go. Also, their cupcakes are really good. My ideal is that none of this would be a problem, and I would go, write and read a poem, and mingle. I don't know if that ideal is what I really want or what I want because I think that's how it should be thanks to neurotypicality affecting my brain, or perhaps some loneliness and wanting to get my work out there.
But I don't want to socialize, I don't want to be in a room of people socializing (strangers for the most part even, and even the classmates are people I don't really know), I don't want live music in an enclosed space, I don't feel comfortable just writing poetry on the spot especially if it's about people, I don't want to spend time with family, and I don't even know when I can leave. I should probably have asked that, or been told beforehand really since I was the one surprised by plans, but I don't know when my uncle is supposed to pick me up. At the last and only poetry reading I attended there for a photo exhibition, I went with my parents and didn't have a choice as to when to leave, going when they felt like going home, which might have looked awkward but at least freed me up from staying longer or having to worry about when I'd be picked up. I feel like shit about not wanting to spend time with family, about worrying they'll intentionally not give a damn and do whatever with me when it comes to picking me up, that there was talk about how to give me what I apparently wanted without my knowing, and that no matter what flaws they have, they are going out of their way to drive me to and from that event. I am excoriating myself for all the bad feelings I have associated with them, while still having those feelings. The additional stress of them planning things without telling me about them, as usual, is not helping. I have to plan my bathtime, to do it before the event and because I have to wash my hair today according to a doctor's instructions, so that takes an hour in the bathroom. In fact, I was going to do it in like fifteen minutes, but by now I feel so low that I might wait a bit. Plus I want to wait for responses, and am thinking that if I feel this bad then maybe I really shouldn't go.
Advice? Or just help that might soothe me?
ETA: See I took so long to even post this, when I could have written it in the morning, though so far it's taken me nearly an hour and a half to write. I kept putting it off, not wanting to deal with it and the associated emotions and putting myself out there.
There is an event tonight at a cupcake shop, in which student photos will be exhibited. I was invited by a former classmate to come and read poetry, along with others; we're supposed to look at the photos and write poems inspired by them.
It will be at night, I cannot get anywhere myself because I have not been taught to drive despite the learner's license expiring next January because it's not a priority for my family and I don't harass them enough, and I assumed I wouldn't be able to go because my father said last week it couldn't happen (he has a meeting of whatever-I-forgot all night until midnight). Late yesterday night, he told me my grandmother had spoken with my uncle, and that he would pick me up from the event, and ostensibly bring me back home. I say ostensibly, because I don't know if that's actually true or just what my dad told me, since I frequently get told something is true only for others to have other plans without telling me.
I was completely sure that I wouldn't be able to go, and only a bit conflicted about it. I never confirmed with the classmate that I would. Originally, the event was last week, and I wasn't sure I was going to go until the very last day even though I talked to my mother about it a week beforehand so she would know to take me. I was already uncomfortable with it anyway, because it is a social event, and because of my writing, which I haven't done much of. It's hard to write, but especially when choosing to be inspired by a photo from a limited selection, and unlike a previous event I don't get to see the photos days earlier. As I can't write instantly - words are very hard for me, I mean literally I cannot just write anything (quality has nothing to do with it, though it is an issue, but I really can't just write words and am not referring to worry about the quality) - that is a problem.
She told me the photos would be up last week on Friday, but I didn't get the chance to go. I went Saturday because I hadn't confirmed and therefore hadn't been told about the change in date, and though it was closed I saw no pictures on the wall through the front (which was all windows). I didn't ask again, because that very Saturday was when my father said he couldn't take me, and part of my family is on vacation, so they couldn't. That was abruptly changed last night.
I was sent another email earlier this week, saying the information could be found on Facebook. It is indeed on Facebook, and it tells me stuff I didn't know, like: live music, semi-formal dress, and several pictures on the flyer that might or might not the ones exhibited. They look like they might be, if only because of the title of the event being about exalting service. To reiterate, I only looked that up today, because I was sure I'd be unable to go.
That's discouraging, because I'm often not comfortable with live music (or music played at places in general, but live has been especially painful), particularly live music in the small enclosed space that is the shop. That isn't always true and it depends on the instruments used, but an enclosed space is definitely bad for tolerating music even if I'm just supposed to sit there and do nothing but eat, let alone write poetry and/or mingle. I'm not comfortable with dress codes, especially the more formal they get. I'd have to spend time figuring out what semi-formal is and how to dress. For the last event I attended in just jeans and a shirt, like I usually dress for everything. I'm also still uncomfortable because of the pictures. If the ones on the flyer are it, then they're all of people. I don't know what to with people. I can't write character study anythings. People's faces are just hard to write anything about or get anything about. What am I supposed to do, call and ask if the pictures on the flyer are the ones to be exhibited? Maybe, but then I have to call, and talk to a person, and imply that I might go, when the last time I emailed the person was weeks ago just to ask when I could see the photos. I don't want to raise the expectation that I'll go. Yet another discouraging factor is that I'd have to be picked up by my uncle.
Spending time with family pushes me to meltdowns, especially people outside the nuclear family that I'm not used to seeing. Interacting with him in particular puts me on edge. I don't want to be around him or owe him, and I feel shitty just for writing that. I've even gotten into the default habit of sounding reluctant and others would say sulky/whiny/rude jerk when I talk to them, because I expect nothing good and they hardly ever give me reason to think otherwise. And because they never ever stop talking to me in ways that make me unhappy, never. They don't care, my feelings aren't real unless they're a nuisance or sign that I'm some stupid ungrateful child or nasty monster or some combination of that. They just talk, are loud, and force their touch on me and are just awful to be around. I'd trade the things they give me, without my asking for it by the way, like money for birthday presents, food my grandmothers' make, and chores one of them does around the house despite knowing I don't want her doing them, for not having to see them or talk to them unless they act differently or maybe on my terms only, but I don't get the choice. Just having them show up or call makes me default into miserable, and I sound and act like it.
That ties into a bigger general situation I'm in, where I'm forced to rely on family - and set up as a child so I can't see any choices between relying on family or being poor and out on the streets - and so I feel constantly guilty and am prompted by them to feel that way, for not wanting to spend time around them, for not wanting them to be involved, for them pushing me to meltdowns and light self-harm when I have to rely on them for everything. ( Hopefully this isn't wrong or hurtful to say. I don't want to appropriate a term. I think 'light self-harm' is the best term for not causing actual injury while hitting myself, tearing at my hair, castigating myself and them repeatedly in my head and with unaimed speech, and not eating when I know I'm hungry because I can't. I do those things, but I always stop short of a wound or anything visible, anything that would require fixing up, because I just don't want to deal with the consequences of my family dealing with it. I don't trust them, don't want to hurt them on some level, and am completely at their mercy because that's how I've been raised, as s dependent. Whether part of that is my fault or not, I just don't want to go into it.) But let me get back to today's concrete situation.
So, I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should go, and that is the reason I was conflicted ever since I found about it. I feel like I owe it to her to go, and also that it will somehow be good for my career. I don't know if that's true, but I feel like I'm just supposed to go. Also, their cupcakes are really good. My ideal is that none of this would be a problem, and I would go, write and read a poem, and mingle. I don't know if that ideal is what I really want or what I want because I think that's how it should be thanks to neurotypicality affecting my brain, or perhaps some loneliness and wanting to get my work out there.
But I don't want to socialize, I don't want to be in a room of people socializing (strangers for the most part even, and even the classmates are people I don't really know), I don't want live music in an enclosed space, I don't feel comfortable just writing poetry on the spot especially if it's about people, I don't want to spend time with family, and I don't even know when I can leave. I should probably have asked that, or been told beforehand really since I was the one surprised by plans, but I don't know when my uncle is supposed to pick me up. At the last and only poetry reading I attended there for a photo exhibition, I went with my parents and didn't have a choice as to when to leave, going when they felt like going home, which might have looked awkward but at least freed me up from staying longer or having to worry about when I'd be picked up. I feel like shit about not wanting to spend time with family, about worrying they'll intentionally not give a damn and do whatever with me when it comes to picking me up, that there was talk about how to give me what I apparently wanted without my knowing, and that no matter what flaws they have, they are going out of their way to drive me to and from that event. I am excoriating myself for all the bad feelings I have associated with them, while still having those feelings. The additional stress of them planning things without telling me about them, as usual, is not helping. I have to plan my bathtime, to do it before the event and because I have to wash my hair today according to a doctor's instructions, so that takes an hour in the bathroom. In fact, I was going to do it in like fifteen minutes, but by now I feel so low that I might wait a bit. Plus I want to wait for responses, and am thinking that if I feel this bad then maybe I really shouldn't go.
Advice? Or just help that might soothe me?
ETA: See I took so long to even post this, when I could have written it in the morning, though so far it's taken me nearly an hour and a half to write. I kept putting it off, not wanting to deal with it and the associated emotions and putting myself out there.