Snogless (and now Back-Aching!) in Florida
Dear Captain Jack: Hello again, Jack! I've got a new problem I'd love to have shot in the face.
My lower back hurts like a bitch--and not the fun kind of bitch! The bitchy kind of bitch. I don't know what to do! It's my... Hold on while I reference a human muscle diagram.
AHA! It is my left obliques.
One, why does it hurt? You know a lot of crap so I figure you might know the answer to this.
Two, how do I fix it? I have no money so I can't go to a masseuse.
Yours,
Snogless (and now Back-Aching!) in Florida
PS: Sex is out of the question. Sorry!
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You have swine flu. Uh. You didn't cough on this email did you?
What you think is back pain is actually fever and a sore throat. It's easy to get them confused if you don't have medical training.
Listen kids, some well-intentioned but wrong people are going to tell you "Don't panic." They don't want you waving your arms above your head in terror like Kermit the Frog. Don't listen. Now's the time to panic like you've never panicked before.
What were you saving your panic for anyway? This is it!
First thing you should do is retreat to your secret underground base of operations. Throw yourself under the nearest nozzle and take a long hot shower to scrub off the Swine Flu germs. Don't forget the backs of your knees and belly-button because germs can collect there!
A good rule of thumb is that when you think you're finally clean, stay under the shower head another 20 to 30 minutes just to make sure. When I get the terror hiccups, I also like to hold my breath and stomp my left foot.
Next, you're going to want to towel off and find your secretary.
For two reasons: Firstly, you'll be hungry after your freak out so he can bring you some pie. Secondly, you'll need to seal him in as much latex as you can find.
You absolutely cannot take a risk that he's going to come down with the flu. Start wrapping his cock and work outwards.
If he's anything like my secretary he's going to pitch a fit that he "doesn't want to be wrapped in latex, Jack!" and "What the fuck are you trying to do!?" until your hot doctor comes up from the medical bay at the sound of all the screaming.
Don't be concerned about your staff's foolish under-reaction. Were they there in 1918? No poor lambs they were not! We didn't even have latex in 1918. I had to wrap everyone I loved in vulcanized rubber.
Another good thing you could do would be to seal your loved ones inside giant plastic bubbles. The advantage with bubbles is they are less constricting than latex, but they make managing stairs pretty difficult. We have a lot of stairs at Torchwood.
I'm a big fan of using plastic bubbles to survive influenza. I wrote Connie Willis some well-reasoned letters asking her to revise Doomsday Book to add plastic bubbles but she she just scrawls: "Jacky you are so LOL!" on postcards back to me.
Here's what it would look like if you were trying to save a male model from the Swine Flu:
If you have a "strident" employee like my Gwen, she's probably going to wail about wanting to save her fat trucker from the flu. After a bit of posturing she may walk over you as usual and force you to bring him into your Hub. That's ok, pick your battles!
Let the little fat things go. You'll need to preserve your moral authority for bigger issues. You want to win the "We have to repopulate the Earth!" battle. And the "Who will test the expiration dates on these tins of beans?" battle.
I've been through a lot of apocalypses -- future apocalypses, historical apocalypses, you name it. The one thing I've learned is that Science can usually solve a deadly outbreak in 44 - 48 minutes, leaving time for 12 - 16 minutes of commercial break.
If you find that your team is not giving you solutions quick enough, it will help if you lean over your medic every two seconds screaming: "HAVE YOU SOLVED IT YET, MARTHA? FUCK! WORK THE SCIENCE FASTER!"
If you have test tubes and Bunsen burners on a long wooden table, it looks very dramatic to sweep them to the ground while you declare: "I WON'T LOSE A TEAM MEMBER TO THE PLAGUE!" Then you grab somebody by the collar and kiss them (assuming they don't have the Swine Flu.)
Above all...Maintain vigilance. I've been taking my secretary's temperature every hour on the hour. Martha has just banned me from the first aid kit so I've been using the palm of my hand.
He feels hot but then he always feels hot. Fortunately I'm amazing at detecting subtle details.
Where can you buy some plastic bubbles? Honestly I don't know. Jesus, just Google it. I'm not your mother. I'm just slamming some 51st century flu-survival advice into your face here.
Yrs. helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
Okay darlings, time to gently work my poll up and down...
Poll my awesome flu poll
My lower back hurts like a bitch--and not the fun kind of bitch! The bitchy kind of bitch. I don't know what to do! It's my... Hold on while I reference a human muscle diagram.
AHA! It is my left obliques.
One, why does it hurt? You know a lot of crap so I figure you might know the answer to this.
Two, how do I fix it? I have no money so I can't go to a masseuse.
Yours,
Snogless (and now Back-Aching!) in Florida
PS: Sex is out of the question. Sorry!
--------------
You have swine flu. Uh. You didn't cough on this email did you?
What you think is back pain is actually fever and a sore throat. It's easy to get them confused if you don't have medical training.
Listen kids, some well-intentioned but wrong people are going to tell you "Don't panic." They don't want you waving your arms above your head in terror like Kermit the Frog. Don't listen. Now's the time to panic like you've never panicked before.
What were you saving your panic for anyway? This is it!
First thing you should do is retreat to your secret underground base of operations. Throw yourself under the nearest nozzle and take a long hot shower to scrub off the Swine Flu germs. Don't forget the backs of your knees and belly-button because germs can collect there!
A good rule of thumb is that when you think you're finally clean, stay under the shower head another 20 to 30 minutes just to make sure. When I get the terror hiccups, I also like to hold my breath and stomp my left foot.
Next, you're going to want to towel off and find your secretary.
For two reasons: Firstly, you'll be hungry after your freak out so he can bring you some pie. Secondly, you'll need to seal him in as much latex as you can find.
You absolutely cannot take a risk that he's going to come down with the flu. Start wrapping his cock and work outwards.
If he's anything like my secretary he's going to pitch a fit that he "doesn't want to be wrapped in latex, Jack!" and "What the fuck are you trying to do!?" until your hot doctor comes up from the medical bay at the sound of all the screaming.
Don't be concerned about your staff's foolish under-reaction. Were they there in 1918? No poor lambs they were not! We didn't even have latex in 1918. I had to wrap everyone I loved in vulcanized rubber.
Another good thing you could do would be to seal your loved ones inside giant plastic bubbles. The advantage with bubbles is they are less constricting than latex, but they make managing stairs pretty difficult. We have a lot of stairs at Torchwood.
I'm a big fan of using plastic bubbles to survive influenza. I wrote Connie Willis some well-reasoned letters asking her to revise Doomsday Book to add plastic bubbles but she she just scrawls: "Jacky you are so LOL!" on postcards back to me.
Here's what it would look like if you were trying to save a male model from the Swine Flu:
If you have a "strident" employee like my Gwen, she's probably going to wail about wanting to save her fat trucker from the flu. After a bit of posturing she may walk over you as usual and force you to bring him into your Hub. That's ok, pick your battles!
Let the little fat things go. You'll need to preserve your moral authority for bigger issues. You want to win the "We have to repopulate the Earth!" battle. And the "Who will test the expiration dates on these tins of beans?" battle.
I've been through a lot of apocalypses -- future apocalypses, historical apocalypses, you name it. The one thing I've learned is that Science can usually solve a deadly outbreak in 44 - 48 minutes, leaving time for 12 - 16 minutes of commercial break.
If you find that your team is not giving you solutions quick enough, it will help if you lean over your medic every two seconds screaming: "HAVE YOU SOLVED IT YET, MARTHA? FUCK! WORK THE SCIENCE FASTER!"
If you have test tubes and Bunsen burners on a long wooden table, it looks very dramatic to sweep them to the ground while you declare: "I WON'T LOSE A TEAM MEMBER TO THE PLAGUE!" Then you grab somebody by the collar and kiss them (assuming they don't have the Swine Flu.)
Above all...Maintain vigilance. I've been taking my secretary's temperature every hour on the hour. Martha has just banned me from the first aid kit so I've been using the palm of my hand.
He feels hot but then he always feels hot. Fortunately I'm amazing at detecting subtle details.
Where can you buy some plastic bubbles? Honestly I don't know. Jesus, just Google it. I'm not your mother. I'm just slamming some 51st century flu-survival advice into your face here.
Yrs. helpfully,
Cpt. Jack Harkness
Okay darlings, time to gently work my poll up and down...
Poll my awesome flu poll