Advice From Me To You
It is Advice Day in Cardiff! And I am here to stun-gun your problems in the face. (So is Andy, as he's on stadium duty today, poor sod, so I'm posting for him.)
Dear Captain Jack Junior Senior Agent Jones:
My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, but there is one big problem. I don't like to share blankets at bedtime. The truth is, I like to sleep comfortably with my blankets tucked all around.
I have honestly tried sharing, but I can't sleep that way or even get comfortable. My boyfriend thinks I'm weird and that I don't like being close to him at night. Isn't sharing a bed enough? -- Creature of Habit
Dear Creature of Habit: At last! Advice for you that really works!
You are absolutely right to want to sleep with the blankets tucked all around you. How else will you form a buffer against all the marmalade? And you have to keep those biscuit crumbs out of the sheets or when he wakes up in the morning he'll just shout HEY CREATURE OF HABIT, I THINK THE SHEETS NEED TO BE CHANGED, I'M IN THE ITCHY SPOT!
Here are some techniques I've found for ensuring you "blanket cocoon" remains intact.
First, after you shag -- dramatic, angry, slow and tender, quick and desperate, lovingly kinky, however you want to swing it -- give him a kiss and immediately roll towards him affectionately. This tucks the blanket under the side closest to him. Then roll away, and tuck the blanket efficiently under your other side. Rock backwards just a little to give him one last endearment, thus firmly anchoring the blankets. Slide down a little so that your ears are covered. It's cold in the hole!
Now that you have established the cocoon, he may try to wiggle under it. A well placed elbow or kick will distract him into shouting WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT, HEY, ARE YOU SLEEPING UNDER THERE?
This is key: Whatever you do, don't let him entice you out with promises of croissanwiches or shouts of ALIENS. If you are concerned legitimately about aliens, remember to listen and make sure he has actually had contact with other members of your family before assuming he is actually aware of aliens in the immediate vicinity.
If he does breach the blanket cocoon, you may find yourself draped with a heavy, unmoving weight while you sleep. While this will almost certainly prevent hypothermia, you may also get shoved into a wall/kicked to the foot of the bed/smacked in the nose when he goes for his gun in the night (under your pillow).
I recommend against using a stun gun to repel him. You may actually kill him. (Long night, so many recriminations, tears of "it's like being hauled over broken glass!")
If he keeps packets of crisps under the pillow, you may be able to entice him away by hurling one of them across the room. Does your boyfriend like sparkly things? Try throwing a glitter pen!
Ultimately, my personal favourite technique is to bring the sex out of the greenhouse and back into your bed. There are many wonderful padded handcuffs available in the shops these days, and if you haven't got a pair of handcuffs a few ties will always work. Find a necktie you no longer wear very often and tie his wrists to the opposite side of the headboard. You can tie his ankles too, of course. Once you've had your merry way with him and you are both thoroughly satisfied, "forget" to untie him before falling asleep. He may yell; make sure you have suitable earplugs and the children/rest of the team won't hear his shouts and come to investigate. Who knows? He might enjoy a little light bondage while you get your requisite five hours of sleep!
Always be sure to make him heart-shaped waffles at breakfast after to show him there are no hard feelings.
In short, Creature of Habit, there are many tips and tricks to ensuring that your delightful cocoon remains intact. Relationships are all about compromise; if you are willing to endure his attempts to sleep all over you, he should be more than willing to endure your cocoon. If all else fails, buy him a body pillow or shoot him a few times. He'll get the message.
Dear Captain Jack PC Davidson,
I really love the work I do and I enjoy the team I work with, but I am finding that another person keeps taking credit for what I do. I am worried that if this continues, the valuable work my team does won't get any credit. And when this person isn't taking credit for our work, they're running all over the company like they own it!
The other problem is, well, this person is very charming and even when they're causing me problems, I can't help but like them. How do I shake off this attraction and make sure I get credit where it's due?
Annoyed Civil Servant
It's a sad fact that the Welsh have had a lock on this exact problem for more than a few years now, and there is a world-wide application for the whole sorry scenario. It was rooted back in history that there was some English twit who thought he could tell the Welsh what to do and how to lose a war to him, and that didn't go well at all. We downgraded to a principality and they left us alone until the Industrial Revolution and they found coal. Then credit for the coal was taken as read by the bosses who took the world by storm and stood in parlours drinking fine teas and disparaging the working classes.
http://whc.unesco.org/en/list (Blaenavon). Just a bit up from Cardiff and worth a visit.
The valuable work gets credit by your composure and demeanour everyday and under boredom as well as stress, and radiate in that yourself with a little more confidence than you seem to have in yourself at the moment... Just watch the silly bastards fanny about and get silly and full of emotion as the Welsh person sorts stuff out and gets it done, usually to a better standard than all these people can manage together with a month of Sundays for planning. I speak here with a voice of experience, ACS, and it is with a heavy heart that I tell you that there are three choices open to you.
Beat them, join them or go mad.
Beat them by being better than James Bond, and remembering that their glory is dependent on you almost completely by what you say. Having a front row seat for the successes is therefore your right, so stand in the right places at the right time, being the right hand person to go to and downgrade your concern from "worry" to "on the to do list" for getting your organisation its credit. Dress smarter but be approachable too, and get yourself picked to represent your organisation for your boss in the eye of others outside so your status is confirmed...
Joining them is a slippery slope to God knows what, and is more than likely the source of the angst and anger at the root of your letter, and the attraction to this irritant. They are using you, but you are letting them do this and playing their game. Withdraw a little and see if it's a genuine attraction or just a device to get rid of you after a bad break-up. Being in the same workspace as someone you're split from is not advantageous and causes the bosses to raise doubt even where nothing is wrong, remembering that you are under their rules.
Go mad in the positive sense every so often and have fun. Makes them want to join you, and everyone enjoys a wrapped-up present more after all, male or female.
To succeed here be more *Welsh*, that's the summary there for you.
Regards, Andy.
Dear Captain Jack Junior Senior Agent Jones:
My boyfriend and I have a wonderful relationship, but there is one big problem. I don't like to share blankets at bedtime. The truth is, I like to sleep comfortably with my blankets tucked all around.
I have honestly tried sharing, but I can't sleep that way or even get comfortable. My boyfriend thinks I'm weird and that I don't like being close to him at night. Isn't sharing a bed enough? -- Creature of Habit
Dear Creature of Habit: At last! Advice for you that really works!
You are absolutely right to want to sleep with the blankets tucked all around you. How else will you form a buffer against all the marmalade? And you have to keep those biscuit crumbs out of the sheets or when he wakes up in the morning he'll just shout HEY CREATURE OF HABIT, I THINK THE SHEETS NEED TO BE CHANGED, I'M IN THE ITCHY SPOT!
Here are some techniques I've found for ensuring you "blanket cocoon" remains intact.
First, after you shag -- dramatic, angry, slow and tender, quick and desperate, lovingly kinky, however you want to swing it -- give him a kiss and immediately roll towards him affectionately. This tucks the blanket under the side closest to him. Then roll away, and tuck the blanket efficiently under your other side. Rock backwards just a little to give him one last endearment, thus firmly anchoring the blankets. Slide down a little so that your ears are covered. It's cold in the hole!
Now that you have established the cocoon, he may try to wiggle under it. A well placed elbow or kick will distract him into shouting WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT, HEY, ARE YOU SLEEPING UNDER THERE?
This is key: Whatever you do, don't let him entice you out with promises of croissanwiches or shouts of ALIENS. If you are concerned legitimately about aliens, remember to listen and make sure he has actually had contact with other members of your family before assuming he is actually aware of aliens in the immediate vicinity.
If he does breach the blanket cocoon, you may find yourself draped with a heavy, unmoving weight while you sleep. While this will almost certainly prevent hypothermia, you may also get shoved into a wall/kicked to the foot of the bed/smacked in the nose when he goes for his gun in the night (under your pillow).
I recommend against using a stun gun to repel him. You may actually kill him. (Long night, so many recriminations, tears of "it's like being hauled over broken glass!")
If he keeps packets of crisps under the pillow, you may be able to entice him away by hurling one of them across the room. Does your boyfriend like sparkly things? Try throwing a glitter pen!
Ultimately, my personal favourite technique is to bring the sex out of the greenhouse and back into your bed. There are many wonderful padded handcuffs available in the shops these days, and if you haven't got a pair of handcuffs a few ties will always work. Find a necktie you no longer wear very often and tie his wrists to the opposite side of the headboard. You can tie his ankles too, of course. Once you've had your merry way with him and you are both thoroughly satisfied, "forget" to untie him before falling asleep. He may yell; make sure you have suitable earplugs and the children/rest of the team won't hear his shouts and come to investigate. Who knows? He might enjoy a little light bondage while you get your requisite five hours of sleep!
Always be sure to make him heart-shaped waffles at breakfast after to show him there are no hard feelings.
In short, Creature of Habit, there are many tips and tricks to ensuring that your delightful cocoon remains intact. Relationships are all about compromise; if you are willing to endure his attempts to sleep all over you, he should be more than willing to endure your cocoon. If all else fails, buy him a body pillow or shoot him a few times. He'll get the message.
Dear Captain Jack PC Davidson,
I really love the work I do and I enjoy the team I work with, but I am finding that another person keeps taking credit for what I do. I am worried that if this continues, the valuable work my team does won't get any credit. And when this person isn't taking credit for our work, they're running all over the company like they own it!
The other problem is, well, this person is very charming and even when they're causing me problems, I can't help but like them. How do I shake off this attraction and make sure I get credit where it's due?
Annoyed Civil Servant
It's a sad fact that the Welsh have had a lock on this exact problem for more than a few years now, and there is a world-wide application for the whole sorry scenario. It was rooted back in history that there was some English twit who thought he could tell the Welsh what to do and how to lose a war to him, and that didn't go well at all. We downgraded to a principality and they left us alone until the Industrial Revolution and they found coal. Then credit for the coal was taken as read by the bosses who took the world by storm and stood in parlours drinking fine teas and disparaging the working classes.
http://whc.unesco.org/en/list (Blaenavon). Just a bit up from Cardiff and worth a visit.
The valuable work gets credit by your composure and demeanour everyday and under boredom as well as stress, and radiate in that yourself with a little more confidence than you seem to have in yourself at the moment... Just watch the silly bastards fanny about and get silly and full of emotion as the Welsh person sorts stuff out and gets it done, usually to a better standard than all these people can manage together with a month of Sundays for planning. I speak here with a voice of experience, ACS, and it is with a heavy heart that I tell you that there are three choices open to you.
Beat them, join them or go mad.
Beat them by being better than James Bond, and remembering that their glory is dependent on you almost completely by what you say. Having a front row seat for the successes is therefore your right, so stand in the right places at the right time, being the right hand person to go to and downgrade your concern from "worry" to "on the to do list" for getting your organisation its credit. Dress smarter but be approachable too, and get yourself picked to represent your organisation for your boss in the eye of others outside so your status is confirmed...
Joining them is a slippery slope to God knows what, and is more than likely the source of the angst and anger at the root of your letter, and the attraction to this irritant. They are using you, but you are letting them do this and playing their game. Withdraw a little and see if it's a genuine attraction or just a device to get rid of you after a bad break-up. Being in the same workspace as someone you're split from is not advantageous and causes the bosses to raise doubt even where nothing is wrong, remembering that you are under their rules.
Go mad in the positive sense every so often and have fun. Makes them want to join you, and everyone enjoys a wrapped-up present more after all, male or female.
To succeed here be more *Welsh*, that's the summary there for you.
Regards, Andy.