(no subject)
I've been bled dry from all angles now.
I sit here successful, but alone - empty, and sad. Here I sit, on top of several years of issues and diagnoses, claims and dissputes - a life that was taken from a movie script and turned around to meet reality. I look around me and I'm in a strangers home, a stranger who says he loves me - but with all the voices in my head it's hard to believe this.. this stranger who claims to love every part of me. Can I really believe that someone would love every part of me? Parts that have been attacked, and seperated and raped and brutally torn apart.
I wonder. In this strangers house, what shred of realism is there in what I show to the world?
I'm not doing too well financially either, it seems I help so many people only not to see the fruits of my labor. I wish certain things would take off and fly, I wish I could sit and process orders but until I can build respect, it won't happen. I wish my team was together, in an office, with the right hardware and software so that we could get things done, I wish I was in the state of mind to be able to hold meetings with my team without needing a ` few drinks ` to relax first. I want my website to be up. I want to get into modeling. I want to be immortalized in images, and be able to be proud of the photos.
I also hate families. I hate the sound of control, and the voice of reason. I will never do things within acceptable terms, I will never mold myself into the ideal woman that people want, or do the cliche things in life.. like get a proper education, have 2.5 kids, wash the dishes and know how to clean a fucking house. I want to break the cookie cutter mold, and I long to tear this stranger away.. make him understand what it is to be torn emotionally.
No one can really comfort me, and thats the sadness of it all. How I want someone to tell me the right thing at the right time and tell me things will be ok - but they won't. They don't know how. And I fight for people, and I want them to be happy.. and allow them to turn around and enjoy their lives while I busy myself and fill myself with nothing, to try and fill this void.
Maybe I need to be forced to grow up and face the facts, which I have, I face it everyday and I shove it down everyday - this is my only real outlet.
I sit here successful, but alone - empty, and sad. Here I sit, on top of several years of issues and diagnoses, claims and dissputes - a life that was taken from a movie script and turned around to meet reality. I look around me and I'm in a strangers home, a stranger who says he loves me - but with all the voices in my head it's hard to believe this.. this stranger who claims to love every part of me. Can I really believe that someone would love every part of me? Parts that have been attacked, and seperated and raped and brutally torn apart.
I wonder. In this strangers house, what shred of realism is there in what I show to the world?
I'm not doing too well financially either, it seems I help so many people only not to see the fruits of my labor. I wish certain things would take off and fly, I wish I could sit and process orders but until I can build respect, it won't happen. I wish my team was together, in an office, with the right hardware and software so that we could get things done, I wish I was in the state of mind to be able to hold meetings with my team without needing a ` few drinks ` to relax first. I want my website to be up. I want to get into modeling. I want to be immortalized in images, and be able to be proud of the photos.
I also hate families. I hate the sound of control, and the voice of reason. I will never do things within acceptable terms, I will never mold myself into the ideal woman that people want, or do the cliche things in life.. like get a proper education, have 2.5 kids, wash the dishes and know how to clean a fucking house. I want to break the cookie cutter mold, and I long to tear this stranger away.. make him understand what it is to be torn emotionally.
No one can really comfort me, and thats the sadness of it all. How I want someone to tell me the right thing at the right time and tell me things will be ok - but they won't. They don't know how. And I fight for people, and I want them to be happy.. and allow them to turn around and enjoy their lives while I busy myself and fill myself with nothing, to try and fill this void.
Maybe I need to be forced to grow up and face the facts, which I have, I face it everyday and I shove it down everyday - this is my only real outlet.