...holla at cha gurl...
well what a day...I will have to say I'm rather proud of myself...seeing how I'm in a new town where I know absoluetly no one, or how to get anywhere...I found my way to Ft. Wayne...woot woot!! AND BACK!! and I didn't get lost even once...I had to go pick up a few things for Valentine's Day. I hate Valentine's Day more than anything...and well I really don't know why..I just do. I think it's because for one I would rather spend my evening eating at Super China Buffet with a close friend..haha that actually happened once..and uh..let's see I hate shopping for it because it's absolutely impossible to find anything good for a boy that I'm actually satisfied with buying...and well I hate it because it reminds me of my biggest fear...I hate Valentine's Day because well before it was so easy...I was so in love with this one person..and I knew everything about him, that I never had a problem with getting him anything, I knew ABSOLUTELY everything about him...I don't think there was one thing that I didn't know, this made me happy because I loved him...but then he left...I will be the first to say Fuck the Military...yes they do fight for my country and all that...but it ruined my life...my one and only security that I had in my life was taken from me...voluntarily that is..but still same diff...and now I'm scared..I am scared to let someone love me like he did, I'm scared to let someone know everything about me like he did, I'm scared to be hurt again like he hurt me, and most of all I'm scared to have someone walk out of my life again..I can't deal with it..I freak and it's almost like I'm all alone...I hate it..and well this Valentine's Day I am with someone else..who I love more than anything and I would do anything in the world for him...but on the other side..I'm scared, I'm afraid that he's gonna walk away...I'm afraid to let him love me, and know me, and well I feel obligated in a way..ahhh! I hate boys and relationships in general...this is why I just wanna eat dinner at Super China Buffet with my Molly...we had such a great time...haha what a V-Day! what more could ya ask for than a cheap dinner with your best friend! ALL BECAUSE our boys were uh..in the military...
hmm...so I've been reading some of my friends LJ and well it makes me sad...cuz everyone feels alone and like everyone is drifting away...its quite depressing...but I sorta think that we all feel the same way, we just don't realize it and we think we're the only one...I mean yeah in HS we all wanted to be the one that stays in touch with everyone...but in all reality thats so hard to do, not to mention how much everyone changes..it's actually kinda sad to see that you might actually be replaced in someone's life...but should that really stop us all from living our lives to the absolute fullest? should that stop us from trying to make new best friends? I personally talk to about 4 or 5 people that I graduated with, other than that...I'm starting over...those people will always have a place in my life..and well they're my friends so they know that I'm always here for them no matter what...but I can't stop my life for them...I can't not move on just because they want me to be right next to them 24/7...I have to keep living...I guess it's hard growing up..but I can't be scared of being on my own...I have to make it...and well although a lot of time's I feel rather lonely...I know that if I need anyone I have to make the effort to reach out to my friends..because they're my friends..and well I know that they will always be there for me through thick and think no matter what happens..no matter how many times they might fuck me over..or might hurt my feelings...they're my friends and nothing will ever change that...ENUFF...
*ash*
hmm...so I've been reading some of my friends LJ and well it makes me sad...cuz everyone feels alone and like everyone is drifting away...its quite depressing...but I sorta think that we all feel the same way, we just don't realize it and we think we're the only one...I mean yeah in HS we all wanted to be the one that stays in touch with everyone...but in all reality thats so hard to do, not to mention how much everyone changes..it's actually kinda sad to see that you might actually be replaced in someone's life...but should that really stop us all from living our lives to the absolute fullest? should that stop us from trying to make new best friends? I personally talk to about 4 or 5 people that I graduated with, other than that...I'm starting over...those people will always have a place in my life..and well they're my friends so they know that I'm always here for them no matter what...but I can't stop my life for them...I can't not move on just because they want me to be right next to them 24/7...I have to keep living...I guess it's hard growing up..but I can't be scared of being on my own...I have to make it...and well although a lot of time's I feel rather lonely...I know that if I need anyone I have to make the effort to reach out to my friends..because they're my friends..and well I know that they will always be there for me through thick and think no matter what happens..no matter how many times they might fuck me over..or might hurt my feelings...they're my friends and nothing will ever change that...ENUFF...
*ash*