Searching for balance on Mabon.
Hello to all --
I know I said I wanted my last entry to serve as my update, but somehow it doesn't quite feel sufficient for me. It quite successfully serves the purpose of articulating my recent thoughts, but it fails to address some other things which have been on my mind. I feel as though my heart is to a great extent weighed down by a variety of thoughts as well as fears and other doubts, and I'm not quite sure how to answer the questions I now have, simply because I have never had to ask them previously. If you read the linked entry, you know that I have come to a decision to remain in service to the Divine and to remain single in so doing. In other words, I am essentially "married" to my spirituality at least for the time being. This decision has given me cause to ask a series of questions that I will come to later in this entry, but I would first like to reiterate some basic things for those who would appreciate the review. That review and the questions are behind the LJ-cut.
The Divine, for me, is defined in terms of masculine and feminine or, as I call them, the Lord and Lady. To my way of thinking, these two partners create a greater whole, a neutral unified Being whose manifestation is that energy we all possess -- that is, Life energy. I perceive that energy within and around me at all times, and have made it my goal to practice sensing its flow through myself and in the world around me. This does, of course, include perceiving it in other people, and assisting them when their flow is disrupted for whatever reason, be it an emotional, physical or spiritual difficulty.
Through practicing this perception, I am able to gauge subtle variations in emotional state as well as governing characteristics of individuals. I consider it to be my key to interacting with others, and am deeply affected when and if my sense of it goes awry. It has done so in the past -- for the most part for reasons unknown to me, but in one case as the result of my conscious wish to operate without it for a time. Even given my decision to distance myself from it, however, it still returned within a matter of weeks as though it had never been bound in the first place.
I call the capacity my "empathy", but it is not simply that. My perception is also central to my ability to counsel others, to write, to sing effectively, to adapt to various situations and to work through a good proportion of my problems largely on my own. (This last dimension is to a degree what leads to some of my present problems, which I'll address soon enough.) I don't outright refuse help when it is offered, but I must admit that I am difficult to convince that I am in need of help from another person in many situations. I believe that stems from my growing up accustomed to feeling relatively isolated. I've also grown to recognize myself as being the one to whom others turn for assistance when they feel the need. Who heals the healer?
My answer to that question is the Divine, which naturally leads me to the main point of this entry. If you've not read the other composition, you may not know what led me to decide to live in service as opposed to finding a partner for now, but let's just say that I've been working toward finding a balance between the two Divine aspects within myself. That is part of the reason. Another part is my historic difficulty with relationships -- my tendency to withdraw after a certain period due to my entering them for the wrong reasons, or due to there being some failure in communication between myself and my chosen partner for whatever reason.
In essence, I am left to wonder the following things:
What are my real reasons?
I've made the decision and am in the process of reviewing its ramifications. Before the actual decision was made, I yearned for it constantly and could picture nothing more appropriate than my remaining devoted to my own Divine. For one thing, I have felt the pull of Divine service since the age of nine. Finally answering that call does make sense to me personally. For another, it really does seem to run in the family; Nana initially applied to the convent before starting a family. She was rejected, but chose to remain a devout Catholic. One of her daughters answered the call of the Divine as well by serving as clergy within her own faith.
Yet I have other reasons as well. I've mentioned the difficulty I have with relationships. Here's a thought -- Did I have the difficulties because I have been delaying my walking my own best path, or am I choosing this particular time to walk this path as a result of my historic difficulties? The matter is to some extent academic, since I would no doubt end up serving regardless, but it has been on my mind.
Is this something to which I will adhere for a lifetime?
I have no way to know the answer to this question at present, and if you've read the entry, you'll likely intuit my reasons for wondering. The events at PPD gave me the capacity to feel things I have never felt before. Not only did that change my understanding of such feelings, but it also led me to wonder at the true origins of my past conflicts, most of which have led me to experience difficulty when trying to truly share with my partner. Could it be possible that, now that my radar has changed, committing to this decision will prove even more difficult than I had anticipated -- but for reasons I hadn't foreseen? Might it be possible that I simply lacked the proper framework to define criteria for spiritually appropriate relationships?
As I am presently fairly neutral in my practice, will this decision help me to gain dimension within my faith practice that is currently lacking?
Most of you, if not all of you, are aware that I profess a fairly neutral worldview. It is not entirely so -- otherwise I wouldn't be typing this at all -- but it is largely aligned with an energetic viewpoint, and that without a "religious" framework per se. It is this perspective that enables me to see the various benefits of a number of religious views, and gives me to understand that "all gods are one".
Yet my most natural inclination appears to be toward some aspect of the Wiccan faith, and despite that inclination, I find myself hesitant due to certain elements of it that simply strike me as "off" within an energetic context. Despite these (admittedly minor) differences, I profess a faith in a Lord and Lady, view the entirety of Nature as a manifestation of the Divine (including those living things, human, other animal and plant, etc. that are part of Nature), hold a belief in in reincarnation and mark the seasonal celebrations as practiced by the Wiccan faith. I often refer to what Wiccans call "magic" as "energy", but feel comfortable using the term among those who understand my chosen context. I am inclined toward casting circles at least intermittently as a part of my practice. I employ the circle not only because it enables me to reserve a special space for my energy work, but also because it enables me to achieve great focus, intent and control.
The differences are few, but they are there. I will enumerate them to some extent here with the intent of returning to the task of detailing more similarities and differences in later entries.
The first is the fact of my not being able to feel that the "rule of three" or "threefold law" is accurate. I regard this as extremely minor, as I am aware that not all Wiccans hold this belief. I simply can't buy into the fact that energetic return will adhere to a strict mathematical increment of any kind. In some instances, there will be equal return; in some less; in yet others, greater. That is the only "rule of three" I can adapt for my own use, as it makes sense within the context of our being constructed of and constantly interacting with energy.
The second, and perhaps greater, is that while I have historically called my circles according to Wiccan guidelines, I need not necessarily adhere to the entire array of implements or practices that are deemed part of the circle casting. I seldom use a wand, preferring to use another elemental item, which tends to be either smoke (incense) or fire (candle -- held VERY carefully!). I most often dance my circles open, and in fact do not always call the corners singly. I have in fact done an elemental chant or some such thing to create a consistent, focused flow of energy, preferring it to the practice of turning about and raising intermittent bursts of energy to open the circle.
It is important to note, however, that I am also comfortable with the practice of calling the corners, and have also done so for my own purposes. I have no wish for the reader to believe that I am against it in any way. It is simply that I recognize the difference between the dancing and the turning in energetic terms. One creates the sense of a circle as drawn upon water, or sand, while the other creates the impression of traveling a path, or even stairs, in order to progress gradually to the highest focus of energy. I believe each has its benefits as well as its drawbacks. (An additional note: In terms of direction -- that is, the direction in which the circle is cast according to its purpose -- I very much agree with and adhere to the Wiccan practices.)
Before this answer becomes a novel, I'll stop there. I'll just add that I am wondering whether or not I will be drawn to resources that will either guide me to an appropriate tradition or enable me to construct some sort of tradition of my own. I have little desire at present to initiate a new tradition, as I feel that doing so is inappropriate due to my own lack of any formal training in any faith. The most training I have received, other than the intuitive knowledge I initially possessed and guidance I have since accepted, was first in the Christian faith and in my university years during participation in various pagan (primarily Wiccan) celebrations. Of course, I have also read a number of books dedicated to explanations of the Craft and aspects of other traditions, but I have never made an extensive or focused study.
I should actually sign off of this entry as a whole fairly soon, but I would like to articulate a few more questions in order to feel that I've communicated the intended essence of this journal entry. They dovetail rather neatly from the previous considerations regarding my practice, and will only be answerable through the process of my living my life in accordance with the decision I have made.
The main question is, more or less -- "How will this decision shape my life?" In other words and other questions, since I have determined that "living in service" is my best option, how do I progress from that very general phrase to something specific? With what I presently offer in terms of skills, knowledge and abilities, what service(s) am I best suited to provide? What will my role be, and will I be called upon to accomplish it singly or prepare for a later role that necessitates working with a spiritual partner? Will I find a means to gain any formal instruction, or will my learning be primarily in solitude? Will I be called upon to teach and, if so, would it be fair of me to accept?
All of these things and still more have been and will remain on my mind to some degree, but at least writing about all of this has helped. I am at least now able to look at what I am asking myself. Hopefully, the simple act of reading through my own questions will lead me to find some guidance towards answering those questions most accurately, if not expeditiously.
Blessings to all!
I know I said I wanted my last entry to serve as my update, but somehow it doesn't quite feel sufficient for me. It quite successfully serves the purpose of articulating my recent thoughts, but it fails to address some other things which have been on my mind. I feel as though my heart is to a great extent weighed down by a variety of thoughts as well as fears and other doubts, and I'm not quite sure how to answer the questions I now have, simply because I have never had to ask them previously. If you read the linked entry, you know that I have come to a decision to remain in service to the Divine and to remain single in so doing. In other words, I am essentially "married" to my spirituality at least for the time being. This decision has given me cause to ask a series of questions that I will come to later in this entry, but I would first like to reiterate some basic things for those who would appreciate the review. That review and the questions are behind the LJ-cut.
The Divine, for me, is defined in terms of masculine and feminine or, as I call them, the Lord and Lady. To my way of thinking, these two partners create a greater whole, a neutral unified Being whose manifestation is that energy we all possess -- that is, Life energy. I perceive that energy within and around me at all times, and have made it my goal to practice sensing its flow through myself and in the world around me. This does, of course, include perceiving it in other people, and assisting them when their flow is disrupted for whatever reason, be it an emotional, physical or spiritual difficulty.
Through practicing this perception, I am able to gauge subtle variations in emotional state as well as governing characteristics of individuals. I consider it to be my key to interacting with others, and am deeply affected when and if my sense of it goes awry. It has done so in the past -- for the most part for reasons unknown to me, but in one case as the result of my conscious wish to operate without it for a time. Even given my decision to distance myself from it, however, it still returned within a matter of weeks as though it had never been bound in the first place.
I call the capacity my "empathy", but it is not simply that. My perception is also central to my ability to counsel others, to write, to sing effectively, to adapt to various situations and to work through a good proportion of my problems largely on my own. (This last dimension is to a degree what leads to some of my present problems, which I'll address soon enough.) I don't outright refuse help when it is offered, but I must admit that I am difficult to convince that I am in need of help from another person in many situations. I believe that stems from my growing up accustomed to feeling relatively isolated. I've also grown to recognize myself as being the one to whom others turn for assistance when they feel the need. Who heals the healer?
My answer to that question is the Divine, which naturally leads me to the main point of this entry. If you've not read the other composition, you may not know what led me to decide to live in service as opposed to finding a partner for now, but let's just say that I've been working toward finding a balance between the two Divine aspects within myself. That is part of the reason. Another part is my historic difficulty with relationships -- my tendency to withdraw after a certain period due to my entering them for the wrong reasons, or due to there being some failure in communication between myself and my chosen partner for whatever reason.
In essence, I am left to wonder the following things:
What are my real reasons?
I've made the decision and am in the process of reviewing its ramifications. Before the actual decision was made, I yearned for it constantly and could picture nothing more appropriate than my remaining devoted to my own Divine. For one thing, I have felt the pull of Divine service since the age of nine. Finally answering that call does make sense to me personally. For another, it really does seem to run in the family; Nana initially applied to the convent before starting a family. She was rejected, but chose to remain a devout Catholic. One of her daughters answered the call of the Divine as well by serving as clergy within her own faith.
Yet I have other reasons as well. I've mentioned the difficulty I have with relationships. Here's a thought -- Did I have the difficulties because I have been delaying my walking my own best path, or am I choosing this particular time to walk this path as a result of my historic difficulties? The matter is to some extent academic, since I would no doubt end up serving regardless, but it has been on my mind.
Is this something to which I will adhere for a lifetime?
I have no way to know the answer to this question at present, and if you've read the entry, you'll likely intuit my reasons for wondering. The events at PPD gave me the capacity to feel things I have never felt before. Not only did that change my understanding of such feelings, but it also led me to wonder at the true origins of my past conflicts, most of which have led me to experience difficulty when trying to truly share with my partner. Could it be possible that, now that my radar has changed, committing to this decision will prove even more difficult than I had anticipated -- but for reasons I hadn't foreseen? Might it be possible that I simply lacked the proper framework to define criteria for spiritually appropriate relationships?
As I am presently fairly neutral in my practice, will this decision help me to gain dimension within my faith practice that is currently lacking?
Most of you, if not all of you, are aware that I profess a fairly neutral worldview. It is not entirely so -- otherwise I wouldn't be typing this at all -- but it is largely aligned with an energetic viewpoint, and that without a "religious" framework per se. It is this perspective that enables me to see the various benefits of a number of religious views, and gives me to understand that "all gods are one".
Yet my most natural inclination appears to be toward some aspect of the Wiccan faith, and despite that inclination, I find myself hesitant due to certain elements of it that simply strike me as "off" within an energetic context. Despite these (admittedly minor) differences, I profess a faith in a Lord and Lady, view the entirety of Nature as a manifestation of the Divine (including those living things, human, other animal and plant, etc. that are part of Nature), hold a belief in in reincarnation and mark the seasonal celebrations as practiced by the Wiccan faith. I often refer to what Wiccans call "magic" as "energy", but feel comfortable using the term among those who understand my chosen context. I am inclined toward casting circles at least intermittently as a part of my practice. I employ the circle not only because it enables me to reserve a special space for my energy work, but also because it enables me to achieve great focus, intent and control.
The differences are few, but they are there. I will enumerate them to some extent here with the intent of returning to the task of detailing more similarities and differences in later entries.
The first is the fact of my not being able to feel that the "rule of three" or "threefold law" is accurate. I regard this as extremely minor, as I am aware that not all Wiccans hold this belief. I simply can't buy into the fact that energetic return will adhere to a strict mathematical increment of any kind. In some instances, there will be equal return; in some less; in yet others, greater. That is the only "rule of three" I can adapt for my own use, as it makes sense within the context of our being constructed of and constantly interacting with energy.
The second, and perhaps greater, is that while I have historically called my circles according to Wiccan guidelines, I need not necessarily adhere to the entire array of implements or practices that are deemed part of the circle casting. I seldom use a wand, preferring to use another elemental item, which tends to be either smoke (incense) or fire (candle -- held VERY carefully!). I most often dance my circles open, and in fact do not always call the corners singly. I have in fact done an elemental chant or some such thing to create a consistent, focused flow of energy, preferring it to the practice of turning about and raising intermittent bursts of energy to open the circle.
It is important to note, however, that I am also comfortable with the practice of calling the corners, and have also done so for my own purposes. I have no wish for the reader to believe that I am against it in any way. It is simply that I recognize the difference between the dancing and the turning in energetic terms. One creates the sense of a circle as drawn upon water, or sand, while the other creates the impression of traveling a path, or even stairs, in order to progress gradually to the highest focus of energy. I believe each has its benefits as well as its drawbacks. (An additional note: In terms of direction -- that is, the direction in which the circle is cast according to its purpose -- I very much agree with and adhere to the Wiccan practices.)
Before this answer becomes a novel, I'll stop there. I'll just add that I am wondering whether or not I will be drawn to resources that will either guide me to an appropriate tradition or enable me to construct some sort of tradition of my own. I have little desire at present to initiate a new tradition, as I feel that doing so is inappropriate due to my own lack of any formal training in any faith. The most training I have received, other than the intuitive knowledge I initially possessed and guidance I have since accepted, was first in the Christian faith and in my university years during participation in various pagan (primarily Wiccan) celebrations. Of course, I have also read a number of books dedicated to explanations of the Craft and aspects of other traditions, but I have never made an extensive or focused study.
I should actually sign off of this entry as a whole fairly soon, but I would like to articulate a few more questions in order to feel that I've communicated the intended essence of this journal entry. They dovetail rather neatly from the previous considerations regarding my practice, and will only be answerable through the process of my living my life in accordance with the decision I have made.
The main question is, more or less -- "How will this decision shape my life?" In other words and other questions, since I have determined that "living in service" is my best option, how do I progress from that very general phrase to something specific? With what I presently offer in terms of skills, knowledge and abilities, what service(s) am I best suited to provide? What will my role be, and will I be called upon to accomplish it singly or prepare for a later role that necessitates working with a spiritual partner? Will I find a means to gain any formal instruction, or will my learning be primarily in solitude? Will I be called upon to teach and, if so, would it be fair of me to accept?
All of these things and still more have been and will remain on my mind to some degree, but at least writing about all of this has helped. I am at least now able to look at what I am asking myself. Hopefully, the simple act of reading through my own questions will lead me to find some guidance towards answering those questions most accurately, if not expeditiously.
Blessings to all!