Secret Whispers - Chapter twenty-two [part I]
Title: Secret Whispers
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
A/N: This is the final chapter of what has been a roller-coaster of emotions, so I want to thank all of you who have read and also commented on this story, of those you have only read and had followed this story and of those who had been with us from the beginning till the end or had embarked on this journey with us later in the story. Every comments of yours had made us write more, so we are very grateful for those who had taken a little bit of their time to leave us their appreciation.
Also, I want to say that we have a new community where we will be posting our new fics so please follow it for new updates. A new Akame story will start very soon and even if it's short, you might enjoy it ^^ For those of you who have seen the movie 'In time', our new fic 'Bed of Lies' is set in the same universe where only time matters and people die timing-out. So please join and continue to follow us!!
Addictive Time Community for NEW AKAME STORIES
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story - Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P.
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eight song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun burns down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious one
Fifteenth song ~ Never again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue tuesday
Seventeenth song ~ Murasaki
Eighteenth song ~ The Fifth Season
Nineteenth song ~ I'll be with you
Twentieth song ~ Sadistic Love
Twenty-first song ~ Hesitate
Chapter twenty-two
Twenty second song ~ Eternal
Even if there comes a time, when we are reborn into a different world
Each of us will meet again the same way,
And I will still love you the same way.
<< Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. >>*
Kazuya took a deep breath as he pressed the buttons for Jin’s apartment and waited for it to connect, feeling his heart sink to his knees in waiting.
It had been a week since he last met Jin and he could honestly say that that probably hadn’t been their best encounter since Jin had had to protect him while he was dead-drunk. Apparently, even if he wanted to, he couldn’t stop creating trouble for the singer, always putting him in tight spots. But maybe this was fate saying that they should be together, even if the odds were against their relationship.
It was funny actually how he always failed, but still managed to make himself believe that there was still a chance for them. Could it be that Jin had been the same when he had pursued him, trying to make him come back to him? Was it love which made him want to push forward, to break through even if it hurt at the end of the day?
Maybe… even so, it was an excuse for him and his ruthless actions.
Because he was here again, to try another time - even if it seemed futile for a while - to reach Jin and have him forgive him. He was slowly losing the hope to get back together, but it still existed. The connection went through and Kazuya’s breath hitched in the back of his throat as Jin’s voice was heard at the interphone.
“Jin, it’s me.” He said to the other one, but was met with silence. “I want to talk, can you let me in?” He tried again, the plea clear in his voice. Then the intercom died and Kazuya waited for a few seconds before he realized that Jin wasn’t going to open to him tonight, sort of making him laugh. He dialed again, but this time it didn’t connect, probably Jin had interrupted the access.
He sort of expected this reaction, yet… not. It made him feel like Jin really didn’t want to see him, but this was the truth actually, no? After all he had done, he’d be stupid to hope that Jin still wanted him in his life. But could he at least apologize for his last mistake, the one in the club? Or wasn’t he allowed even this?
Kazuya sighed as he took out his phone and dialed Jin’s number, futile calling as the singer obviously wasn’t going to answer him. But he was stubborn as a mule and if he had to, he’ll spend the whole night there until someone will come by and let him inside. Because he really wanted to apologize and to properly thank him for what he had done in the club. So he quickly texted a message to Jin, clearly saying to him that -
‘I’ll wait here until you hear me out.’
And now all he could do was to keep true his words.
The clock hit five in the morning when the door to the apartment complex finally opened, but Kazuya wasn’t aware of it anymore at this point, too frozen and already half-asleep to notice anything of what was happening around him. A man exited the hallway and he seemed to be looking for something, searching on his right and left and then sighing in relief.
“Thank God he had left.” Jin said with a small voice, turning around to get back to his house when his gaze fell on the younger one. His eyes widened in shock and he didn’t waste any other second to undress himself and put the jacket on the boy, hugging it on Kazuya as much as he could and trying to create some warmth for the other one. “You’re an idiot, do you know that?!” he practically yelled, more than annoyed to see that Kazuya had really spent the night outside as he had said. Jin didn’t waste any more time and hurried to take the younger in his arms, a small whimper leaving the boy’s lips at the sudden warmth of Jin’s that was enveloping him.
His heart was beating fast and Jin felt like going crazy with the way the elevator seemed to move slower than it had ever done. “Come on, come on.” He continued to repeat, anxiously waiting for the moment when they’ll reach the top floor and hugging Kazuya close to him, trying to share from his body warmth even if it seemed quite impossible in that moment. As soon as the doors opened, Jin practically flew to his apartment and, more or less, kicked the door open, running after that to the bathroom and turning on the hot water.
“I can’t believe you’re this stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.” It was the only thing he could do or say and even if Kazuya wasn’t conscious anymore, Jin couldn’t stop from talking to him and at least creating the sensation that he wasn’t alone and that Kazuya wasn’t in grave danger. How could he have stayed all night outside when winter had just come and the first snow of the season had just fallen?! It had to be his luck, Jin thought with a click of his tongue, that it had started snowing exactly on the night when Kazuya had decided to be stupid and try to win him back in a preposterous way.
It scared him though. He had always known that Kazuya was stubborn, but he had believed that if he were to ignore the younger one, not answering his phone and not letting him in, then Kazuya will leave and will not insist - at least for the moment. He had never believed that the boy would be as stubborn as to spend a whole night outside, in cold, almost covered by snow and bathed by the cold wind just because he had something to say to him.
It made Jin feel all the more guilty.
“I’m going to kill once you’re better.” Jin swore as he hurried to pull off all the frozen clothes from the younger one, undressing him completely before dipping him into the hot water from the bathtub. It worried him that Kazuya still wasn’t reacting and that he wasn’t even opening his eyes, but exactly when Jin felt like he’d go crazy because of his anxiousness, he felt something grabbing his fingers and trying to squish them. Jin could swear that he had never been happier in his life than in that moment when he saw Kazuya’s open eyes and his weak smile.
“You’re going to be fine.” Jin assured him and Kazuya could only nod, closing his eyes again and letting Jin to take care of him as he wasn’t in any state to do anything else. The older one hurried to get him out of the water after that, dressing him completely with warm clothes and then tucking him into bed, leaving his side only for a couple of minutes that he needed to call a doctor. He wasn’t going to be relaxed or calm until he’ll know that Kazuya wasn’t in any danger and even if he hadn’t slept the whole night because of worry, Jin spent the next day watching over Kazuya, sometimes slipping under the covers with him to give him some body heat and other times pacing around the room as he gave the younger one the medicine that the doctor had prescribed for him.
He only managed to fall asleep for a bit when night was on the verge of falling again but stirred up after a few minutes as something suddenly moved next to him.
It was cold, his body was so cold that he couldn’t help shivering, even if he felt that there was something covering him - a blanket or something. Kazuya squirmed into a ball and turned right, snuggling into the sudden warmth he had discovered. Warm - that was the only thing his mind could think of, the only thing his body needed right now. He slipped his feet between something, sighing contentedly as there was warmth enveloping them now. He pressed his face onto something flat and soft, with a particular scent - one he loved dearly. His palms were also spread onto the same warm surface, making him cuddle even more into that warmth.
Beat. Beat.
Sounds like this drummed into his ear and under his palms, slightly waking him up. Kazuya opened his eyes slowly and looked around blearily. Where was he? Was he dreaming? Something warm and wet fell on his eyes and Kazuya grabbed it only to find that it was a white cloth. He then looked up and saw something that stopped him breathing. The dark chocolate eyes that he had come to love so much were looking back at him.
Instantly he pulled away and stood up, shock clearly written on his face. “Jin.” His voice was rasp and almost inaudible. What was he doing here? Why was Jin here? Better said, where was he again?! Then his body shivered again, the long warmth gone and memories started flooding his mind. Yes, he had waited for Jin to apologize, he had waited for him outside his apartment and it had snowed. That was why it was cold now, that was why he felt so cold - not because Jin was again gentle towards him, but because it had snowed during the night and he had waited out in the cold.
Jin’s face was blank as he looked back at Kazuya, only his eyes twinkling and showing that he was actually worried to death for the younger one. “How are you feeling?” he asked with a rasp voice, getting again closer to the boy and taking the cloth that had fallen to put it back on Kazuya’s forehead though it needed to be dipped in water again. His hand gently caressed the boy’s face, searching if he still had a fever and frowning when he discovered that it was indeed so. “You should sleep some more, it will help you get better sooner.” The actor added with a small smile on his lips, pulling the boy back on the bed and dragging the blankets, starting to cover Kazuya with them.
The younger one looked at Jin with round and big eyes, not knowing what to make of all this. “I…” He wanted to say but the word came out with a ragged tone, one that screeched on your ears. He chose to shake his head, blinking fast. “No… sleep.” He forced himself to say, feeling his throat more than sore and aching. Still, he snuggled under the blankets, curling once more into a ball, making him seem like a blanket cocoon.
“Okay.” Jin answered, not being able to stop himself from touching yet again Kazuya and letting his fingers brush against his cheek for a few second before backing away and throwing the covers off of him to get out of the bed. “I’ll be right back, okay?” he then added with a gentle voice, totally different from the face that he was trying to keep blank and uncaring.
Kazuya’s eyes followed Jin’s figure as he got out of the room, heaving a sigh after the door was slightly closed now. He shuddered under the blankets as he recalled the feelings he had earlier, before he realized that it was Jin the warmth he had been cuddling into. They had been again this close - and Jin was only in his boxers! - but this only showed to him just how much they were far away from each other, an icy wall separating them.
Far away.
The younger blinked a few times and then he stood up, looking around confused. His clothes were on a chair, probably already dried - he didn’t know how much he had been sleeping - and the most important thing… Kazuya crawled out of bed, his body shaking as he was dressed only in a T-shirt and some boxers - probably Jin’s - but he didn’t care. He had come to Jin for two reasons that night. One was that he wanted to apologize and the second that he had another surprise for Jin. It was his way of saying sorry again and again, hoping that through this method maybe Jin will listen to him. Kazuya searched his jacket’s pockets, finally finding the piece of paper he held dearly. He surveyed the room again and spotted the object he needed.
Will he be able to convey his feelings and apologize now?
From across the hallway, Jin slightly tensed when he heard the first accords of music. He looked with an inquiring stare at the door where he knew that he had let the younger one, like he could see through it what was happening and why was he suddenly hearing his own guitar playing. He frowned and took the warm soup and the pills that he had brought for Kazuya, hurrying to get to his room and getting more worried with every step that he took, now the sound of Kazuya’s voice being able to be heard. It was as rasp as when he had let him alone and Jin could tell that the younger was making great efforts to sing the notes, but he couldn’t understand why.
“What do you think you’re doing?” the older one asked as soon as he opened the door, his eyes immediately falling on Kazuya’s sick form who was now trying to quickly hide something. “Kazuya?” Jin said his name with a demanding tone, glancing at the guitar on Kazuya’s lap and clearly wanting an explanation for this.
The younger gulped, trying to clear his voice. “Just…” He stopped a little, closing his eyes as the sound of his voice was hoarse and broken. “… hear me out.” He looked at Jin and without waiting for a reply, he turned his attention to the guitar, positioning it and putting his slightly trembling fingers on its chords. The silence was filled with a familiar melody for both of them, a feeling of being far from the one you loved residing within its notes.
So far away
Kazuya’s voice came out as a mumble, but it was clear enough to be heard. Just this one verse and it was filled with despair and neediness, with feelings of being lost and yearning. And even if his voice right now wasn’t the best, he will still sing this song for Jin. He had to, he needed to.
This time, this place
Misused, mistakes
He won’t look at Jin, he won’t open his eyes and see Jin’s expression because he was afraid. He had done so many mistakes, he had wronged too much, of this he was very much aware. That was why he wanted to apologize, he will admit being an insecure and stupid lover. But nonetheless, he still loved Jin.
Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Towards the end of this verse, his voice was more strained than he thought it will come out. But he will continue because through this song he was admitting all of his mistakes, he was pledging his love once more and he was asking Jin to forgive him… That was why, even if his throat hurt, even if he felt his eyes burn with tears, he will sing.
But there was a sudden stop to his strumming and Jin’s hand clutched onto the guitar, taking it away from him. Kazuya’s eyes snapped open, as watery as they were, only to stare into Jin’s slightly teary, but definitely angry ones. He gulped and shook his head, refusing to see the tears in Jin’s eyes and even with the guitar away, he still wanted to sing. With his head lowered, he continued.
Just one chance, just one breath.
“Kazuya!” Jin’s voice echoed in the room as the older one grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him a little, forcing the boy to stop his singing because of the force he had used and to look at him as Jin’s hand clenched on the younger one’s chin. “It won’t work.” He said, his voice breaking and not being able to stop it, as he couldn’t stop his tears from making their appearance. He had recognized the song as being the one Kazuya had tried to play at his parents’ house, but Jin would have never believed that it had been written for him. He had had no idea that the boy had made that song maybe with the intention of being forgiven, of expressing all of his feelings like Jin had once said that he would always do.
But he couldn’t let him sing, not when Kazuya was like this - barely speaking, cold and sick, definitely needing more than the soup that Jin had brought to him. So when he had started again to sing, Jin did the only thing that he could think of to stop him from destroying himself even more; he kissed Kazuya - and maybe destroying the both of them through this simple action. “It won’t work.” He repeated as they parted, his voice on the edge and seeming like he was making great efforts to stop himself from crying out loud. “We’re not going to be together ever again, no matter what you do.” Jin added and put a little more distance between them, finally leaving the proximity of Kazuya’s lips to be able to look him in the eyes. “It’s over.” The words were whispered and it felt like it had just been the wind to say them, but the heavy atmosphere of the room told the truth.
The hope that the kiss had seeded within his soul shattered instantly at Jin’s words and Kazuya could only cry silently in front of Jin. “This song…” he muttered, trying to be coherent or at least calm, though it was clear that such thing was impossible right now, “… is for you.” He completed even if an explanation hadn’t been needed since it was obvious. “I don’t care about anything else if I don’t have you.” Kazuya lifted a trembling hand to touch Jin’s cheek. “I don’t want…” his voice shook and the young actor closed his eyes for a second to deal with the pain in his throat, “… this to be over.”
“I’m going back to America.”
This one sentence had the gift to drain all of the little color Kazuya’s face had. He could only stare at Jin, the words the other one had said circling and circling in his mind. His hand fell down on the bed as he felt that he had no strength or whatsoever to even breathe. Jin was taking everything away from him and he couldn’t do anything to stop him, because he had no right anymore. All he could do was to watch his only and true love leave him behind because of his past mistakes.
Kazuya drew away from Jin, his eyes still settled on the other one, as if he was waiting for him to shout April’s fool or something, but the serious and painful expression of Jin showed him that such thing wasn’t going to happen. A hoarse chuckle was heard and the younger climbed out of the bed, passing Jin and taking his clothes with shaken moves as his whole body was unable to stop its trembling. This time, Kazuya was sure that it wasn’t a reaction to the cold, it was simply because his mind, heart and body couldn’t cope with the fact that Jin was going to leave for America and probably never going to come back - he had no real reason this time.
Jin forced himself to take back his hand that had automatically stretched towards Kazuya when he had seen his defeated and desolated expression. But he couldn’t, he shouldn’t. If he started to show once again how much he loved the younger, then maybe he’ll make Kazuya change his mind again and he didn’t want that. For the past days, the only thing they had done was to hurt each other and Jin was sick of it. That was why he had wanted to go back to America, to his home, to the place where he could forget everything about his pain and pretend that Kazuya had never existed. He had never thought that he’d be the one to say these words to the boy and to see that expression that crushed his soul and destroyed his heart. His flight was in a few days and that was why he hadn’t wanted to let Kazuya come into his house. He didn’t want him there to make him doubt his decision once again.
Besides, it was better for Kazuya too this way. Maybe now he could stop from trying to be with Jin when their relationship had no future. Without trust - from neither one of them - their love wouldn’t have a good ending and Jin was sure that the only thing that would follow would be even more pain than this - they had learned this the hard way, after all. The only true and happy time had been at the beginning, when they had just met and didn’t know anything about each other. Maybe it would have been better if it had stayed like that and they had never become lovers.
But if this was the right decision, why was he feeling like a jerk in that moment and like he had done the biggest mistake in his life?
“Call someone to pick you up, you’re not leaving from here alone.” Jin’s words had been hushed, like he was afraid now to talk to Kazuya and to even see his expression. That was why he was looking at everything but the younger - he didn’t want to waver anymore.
Kazuya finished dressing, avoiding looking at Jin like the other one was doing too. This felt so wrong, so unfair and so painful that he wanted to believe that it was a nightmare, that such words like going back to america or it’s over had never been said. But it wasn’t and he was once more on the verge of crashing. “I’m fine on my own.” The young actor said with the same hoarse voice, grabbing his jacket and preparing to leave. “T -” He paused and then looked at Jin with a dejected expression. “Thank you for taking care of me. I’m sorry.” Kazuya bowed a little, feeling that the only thing that could save him now was the polite façade it had always characterized him, even if the last words were full of meaning and sadness. He turned to leave, thinking that this was ironic - he was again leaving from Jin’s apartment with his heart broken and tears in his eyes.
Jin could just look at him and his slumped back as the younger one disappeared from his vision. It hurt, it hurt too much to know that now everything really was over and that Kazuya had finally given up. He couldn’t deny anymore that a small part of him had wanted the boy to continue to want to persuade him, not to give up at their love no matter how many times Jin rejected him. But then there was the other part that always screamed of pain whenever they were close to each other, showing him what he could have had but wasn’t allowed to.
He didn’t know what to do.
Kazuya was sick and even in such conditions, he had still tried to convey his feelings to Jin - feelings that Jin already knew too well. They were cursed to remain in love with each other but not together - ever again. It was funny how Jin had always been the one to chase after Kazuya and now when their roles had changed, they ended up in such a situation, with a broken Jin and a barely walking Kazuya.
The last image of the younger made Jin jump into his shoes and run after him. He couldn’t just let him leave like that, not knowing what could happen to him if he tried to walk in that state home or tried to drive when it was clearly that he couldn’t see well because of the fever. The warm soup and the pills had remained on Jin’s desk and he was regretting more and more that he hadn’t forced the younger one to take them before leaving. It would be his fault if Kazuya had an accident. He would be the one responsible if Kazuya got hurt now.
And the last thing Jin wanted to see was such a Kazuya.
He managed to catch him at the corner of the street, chasing after him in the cold snow that had fallen over the night, only in a shirt and some pants, breathing hard but still running. He caught Kazuya by his arm and didn’t give him a chance to say anything before starting to pull him towards a cab that he had seen parked close. “Come.” Was the only word uttered.
Nothing less, nothing more.
Although Kazuya didn’t have the strength to pull himself free from Jin’s hold, he still tried. “Let go, I’m okay.” He insisted, slightly stumbling on his feet as Jin dragged him towards the taxi. “I can take the subway, I’m fine, really.” Kazuya continued to say, feebly pulling his body back in his attempt to stop Jin.
The older one stopped in his tracks and hugged Kazuya in the middle of the street to stop his every movement. “No, you can’t. You’re so weak that you can’t even escape from my embrace.” He said as an explanation for his action even if Kazuya had stopped struggling the moment he realized what was happening. “So do as I say.” Jin added, his voice soft and low and gentle and - more than obvious - full with love.
A feeble whimper left Kazuya’s lips as he was crushed in Jin’s embrace. But he couldn’t lift his hands to reply to it, he couldn’t bring himself to hug Jin back, he really didn’t have the strength. “Why…?” The young actor mumbled, feeling his eyes burning again with tears. “Is it that difficult to trust in me again…?” Kazuya asked and there was a slight whine in his voice. He understood why Jin was hesitating, he knew why they couldn’t be together, but still - he wanted just one more chance.
Jin slowly lifted his hand, like he was afraid of what such a gesture would mean and what consequences it could have, and settled it gently on the boy’s head, patting it slightly and caressing his hair before leaning back and looking into his teary eyes. “Let’s go to the cab, okay? It’s dangerous if you stay too much outside when you’re this sick.” He said as he wiped those tears that he already hated, clearly dodging the question but really not wanting to discuss such a thing with Kazuya.
Because the truth was… that even Jin didn’t know the answer to that question. He had blindly trusted Kazuya at the beginning, believing in him even when the boy had disappeared for three years and had come back with his best friend as a lover. His heart had shut down the moment Kazuya had said that Jin had been everything but something important in his life and his mind had started to create a wall to protect itself from the danger of being hurt so bad that it would break too when Kazuya had revealed his real reason. It was like something had been born in him when he had found out the truth, his soul already empty of love and full with regret and disappointment, making it more than easy to create the idea that he couldn’t trust anything from Kazuya’s words.
Now… it had just become too painful to even be together. And no matter how much he wanted this too, Jin didn’t know if he was able to do it for the second time with Kazuya.
The young actor lowered his head in an imperceptible nod, aware that Jin will refuse to answer him. He slipped away from the older one and with a sad smile, he headed to the car without saying any other word, Jin quickly following him to be sure that nothing will happen in the last few seconds that remained. Or maybe because he still didn’t want to part from the younger, he couldn’t exactly tell what feeling was dominating his heart in that moment.
Kazuya didn’t stop until he was in front of the car’s door, only then turning around to look at Jin and trying to contain the suffering from his voice as he asked the question which crushed his soul into a thousand pieces. Or maybe more - it definitely felt like that. “When are you leaving?”
Jin gulped and turned his gaze away from Kazuya for a moment, before looking back at him and sighing. “Probably immediately after Christmas.” He answered, his voice trembling now because of the cold that was starting to take reign of his body. “I want to be home to celebrate with my family, but I have to attend a party for my job in America so I don’t have that much time to waste.” He confessed, hugging himself and running his hands over his arms to keep himself warm.
Kazuya tried to keep a calm expression, though it was kind of difficult as everything he loved and wanted was slipping through his fingers and he was unable to do anything to keep it longer. He undressed himself of the jacket and pushed it over Jin’s arms and then he opened the cab’s door and slipped inside, not before saying - “Hurry back, you’re freezing.” And with that, he shut the door, giving his address to the taxi driver. The way he was leaving now made him feel like this wasn’t goodbye - not yet. And he was still not able to let go of Jin completely, that was why he had one week to figure something out.
He had to stop Jin from leaving him - anyway, anyhow - it didn’t matter.
Jin didn’t know how much time he had spent outside, looking after Kazuya’s figure even if the car wasn’t in his sight anymore. He had all these contradicting feelings in his chest, like he wanted to go after the boy and make sure that he was okay, but in the same time, knowing that he had to stay away from him like he had promised to himself.
It was weird because while Kazuya had been trying to win him back, Jin had rejected him and it had been a little easier to do it while knowing that the younger one would always come back and maybe - maybe - one day, he’ll actually manage to convince Jin to forgive him. But now, now that he had decided himself to end everything and to go back to America, it was hard even to go inside at the warmth of his own apartment when knowing that no one will ever expect for him. Now that he had convinced himself that this was the right thing to do, Jin couldn’t turn his back on Kazuya anymore and it was becoming painful to even think at the lonely days that will follow without the younger one.
With a defeated sigh, Jin turned around to leave and go back to his apartment, snuggling into Kazuya’s jacket and inhaling his scent. Everything had happened too fast and Jin hadn’t even had time to react when he had found himself with the boy’s jacket on him even if Kazuya was the one sick and needed it probably more than Jin did. A smile curled up his lips, thinking that maybe he would have done the same thing, not caring about his own well being and only thinking about Kazuya’s. After all, they were still in love with each other and they still acted the same, loving and caring about the other one like he was the most important person in the world.
Jin shook his head to stop thinking at such things and closed the door of the apartment behind him, immediately going to search for his phone. Only after finally finding Koki’s number at one of his staff members and calling him to tell that Kazuya was sick and that he probably needed someone to take care of him, Jin could allow himself to breathe freely, a little less worried now that the boy was on good hands and won’t be alone once he would get home.
Going back to his room and slipping under his covers, with Kazuya’s jacket still on him, was one of the hardest things Jin had had to do lately. He could still picture the way Kazuya had slept there, in his bed, breathing hard because Jin had once again been a jerk and had let him outside in the cold, to freeze to death. But it wasn’t his fault, he had thought that Kazuya would give up after an hour, two tops, of seeing that he had no chance to make Jin listen to him.
But then again, he had forgotten how stubborn could Kazuya be.
His hands sneaked around the pillow to breathe even more into that scent that had been driving him crazy for more than three years and his eyes widened as he realized that there was something there, a paper of some sort. He pulled it out and his breath stuck out in his throat when he realized what was written there.
It was Kazuya’s song.
Closing his eyes, Jin remembered that he had though that the melody was kind of familiar and that he had heard it before, when Kazuya had followed him back at his parents’ home and had asked Jin to help him with it. He hadn’t known that the boy had been preparing this song since then, trying to say that he was sorry in the same way that Jin used to express his feelings - by singing.
With a trembling hand, Jin grabbed his guitar which had been abandoned on the bed and, closing his eyes, he tried to remember the notes of the song, his hands swinging easily over the strings like the melody was already imprinted in his heart and soul. With a shaking voice, he started singing.
This time, this place
Misused, mistakes
Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance,
Just one breath,
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know, you know, you know…
That I love you.
I have loved you all along and I miss you,
Been away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
And you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore.
It was becoming painful to sing at this point, not being able to keep his eyes open anymore because of the tears that had gathered in them. Because of course he knew, he knew how much Kazuya loved him and Kazuya also knew how much Jin loved him. They were both helplessly in love and two idiots that had allowed fate and some stupid happenings to set them apart, not believing enough in the other one and believing too much some times. It hurt them, it made them suffer, but why couldn’t they just overcome all their difficulties? Why couldn’t they just forget and be happy, as they both wanted to be?
Because life was hard and things couldn’t be that easy. Because doubts will exist forever if they didn’t do anything to erase them, to destroy every thing that could stop them from being together besides their own feelings.
On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know, you know, you know…**
Unfortunately, Jin didn’t think that there was a sole thing that Kazuya could do to make him trust again.
*
He hadn’t really believed that Kazuya would try to contact him before he left the country. That was why Jin had been so surprised to hear his phone ringing with a new message and to see Kazuya’s name displayed on its screen. The words had been simple, not giving even a clue about what was the younger one planning to do and leaving Jin in even more agony as he struggled to find the hidden meaning of the message.
“Please come to the park where you once brought me. I’ll be waiting for you. Kazuya.”
That was all that the boy had chosen to say, hoping that it was enough to draw Jin to him. And maybe it was because he was now fiddling nervously around his room and trying to decide if to ignore the message or to just go and finish with this, once and for all. Of course, even if he’d go, this didn’t mean that Kazuya will really give up at trying to get him back and it might just create other problems for him. They were bound to end up in a weird situation as it had happened every time they had met and Jin knew he would just regret if he went to see Kazuya even if it was for the last time.
Then why was he taking his jacket and going out the door? No, he wasn’t going to see Kazuya, Jin told himself with a determined nod, he was just going out for a walk. He had gotten bored sitting between those four walls and he wanted some fresh air, that was all. And he was definitely not going towards the park that Kazuya had mentioned, the one where he had gotten that phone call from Yuuya and had been maybe the night which had changed their entire life as the younger one had finally learned to lean on someone else too. It really was the place where everything had started, in one way or another, because that had been the moment when Jin had been accepted into their family, when Kazuya had let him help and had shared his difficulties with his lover.
That park held a precious significance from them and Jin was now wondering why had Kazuya called him there, even more when it was Christmas Eve. He should be out and celebrating with his friends and family, thing which Jin should have been doing too if he hadn’t been staring at his phone for half an hour before finally leaving the house - and totally forgetting that he was supposed to meet his friends.
It didn’t matter though because he was definitely not going to meet Kazuya. It was just that the park was near his building and of course Jin was bound to pass through it. After all, he was taking a walk to relax himself and what better place than a park, right?
A small laugh escaped his lips as Kazuya’s form appeared in his sight. He could try to lie to himself as much as he wanted to, but the truth was that he’ll always want to see Kazuya and to be with him, even if it would be just for a moment - or even less. He was feeling his resolve to keep the boy far from him slowly melting into acceptance, not being able to keep this charade and to be forced to reject him every time. He couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t bear to hurt Kazuya more than he had already done. He didn’t mean to, but he was slowly destroying Kazuya’s life by taking what was more precious to him. First, he had stubbornly followed him around and had reminded him of painful things, like Yuuya’s death and how beautiful their love had been. Then he had rejected him, hurt him physically and emotionally, had even gotten to the point where he’d kept Kazuya away from his work - and this was one thing that Kazuya never did.
They had to stop this, but the problem was that there was still something that was keeping Jin from believing in him completely.
And that was why it was better if he would just leave for America and never see the younger again.
“Kazuya.” His voice sounded like a whisper in the cold atmosphere, fearful and worried about what might happen now and what was the reason Kazuya had called him for. A part of him didn’t want to know, but there was also another part that had brought him there and had even given him the courage to talk to the younger.
Kazuya’s body stiffened for the moment before he turned to face Jin, his cheeks and nose red from the cold. He had an awkward smile on his face and he was grasping his hands out of anxiety and cold in the same time. “You came.” The boy said with a shackled voice as his eyes swept over Jin’s figure. There was a silence after this, in which both of them stared at each other, feelings and words circling inside their hearts and minds but never uttered. “Umm…” Kazuya started and bit his lower lip as he fidgeted on the spot from one leg to another. “Sorry to call you out on Christmas’s Eve, but I -” He paused and gulped a little. It was difficult to say why he had truly called Jin out and it was even more difficult to accept that the older one was indeed leaving. “I just didn’t know when I’ll be able to see you before -” The young actor paused again and took a deep breath. “- you leave.” Even his words hurt as he had said this, it still seemed surreal and impossible. But, maybe for once, he should try and accept the reality.
“It’s okay.” Jin answered, not knowing what to say or what to do. It was a little weird to be there with Kazuya again when they were in the situation of not being together and actually preparing for a definite separation. The last time they had been in that park, they had still been in love and happy together, but now even this thought seemed to be very far away from them. “It was on my way because I’m supposed to be meeting someone, so…” Jin lingered on his words, not knowing why he had lied but in the same time, not wanting Kazuya to know that he had come there just because he had called him - it would give him hopes and Jin didn’t want to hurt him any more than this.
A brief pain appeared on Kazuya’s face, but it disappeared quickly under the mask of a sad smile. “I see.” He mumbled and looked down a little, involuntarily thinking that Jin was meeting someone on Christmas Eve, someone that wasn’t him. “Actually -” He looked up at Jin again and his voice trembled as he continued. “- I wanted you to know something. It’s probably yet again the desperate act of someone who loves you, but I feel like I still can’t give up.” His eyes were filled with raw emotions and determination. “Maybe this will be my last chance to win you back, but, even if I fail…” He stopped, not knowing what to say if he truly failed. In fact, he didn’t even feel hope that this time he will make Jin turn away and look at him as he did before he made that stupid decision to leave. But, in a way, it didn’t matter- without Jin, he didn’t need anything else. “I know that my words alone can’t bring back the trust and love you had for me. That’s why -” Kazuya paused and licked his lips, letting a slight worry pass over his features. “- I’m telling everyone that I’m in love with you. When we became a couple, I wanted to keep our relationship secret and maybe this had made you feel insecure about me, that’ s why, now I’m going to tell everyone that I love a single man - Akanishi Jin.” The young actor added and from the way he had his hands tightened around each other, you could notice the great deal of determination and strain this simple act was taking him. But he was willing to do everything for Jin, it didn’t matter what everyone else will think or say about him.
Somehow, Jin couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re stupid, you know that?” he said while shaking his head and passing Kazuya to head over to the swings. He had to admit that if he had heard this sooner, maybe he would have been convinced by it and that it would have made him see that the younger one really did love him. But now it seemed pointless because Jin was already aware of Kazuya’s love for him and while this certainly could be an assurance for their relationship… it could also destroy it. “If you say my name to the whole world, then the press will do anything to catch us together. This means that it would be even harder to be together.” Jin pointed out with a sigh, looking a little sad at the swing before deciding to try it on. “If people knew about us, then we would never be able to be together.” He said and his voice sounded somehow sad towards the end, like he was disappointed by such an ending.
But the truth was that he couldn’t do anything to stop Kazuya if this was really what he wanted.
And he didn’t even want to.
“There’s a conference on 27th December.” Kazuya ignored what Jin had said, ignored his frozen tears and his sudden vivid pain. He didn’t even see Jin stiffen at his words, as he didn’t dare to face him. “I asked for it and that’s where I’m going to say all about my feelings for you.” He continued, trying to hold onto his last bits of control, even if his voice was more than shaking. “But I’m not going to mention your name because I know what this would mean for your career and I won’t ruin you even if I once said this.” Kazuya added and tried to get out of his head Jin’s words of them not being able to be together if such as Jin’s name were to be mentioned in public. It had sounded just like Jin was offering him hopes for an uncertain and foggy future of them. And it hurt. “I just wanted you to know.”
Jin looked at Kazuya like he wanted to decipher the real meaning of the boy’s words. While it was true that this would ruin his career in Japan, he wasn’t that sure that it would have any effect on his activities in America and, after all, that was his home and had been for the last years. Jin had never had any intention of coming back to Japan with the intention of staying and even if Ueda would kill him for something like this, he knew that eventually this won’t make a difference for him and his career.
While for Kazuya’s… it was different. He was just at the beginning and such a big move would definitely destroy him and any chance of performing in Japan ever again. He won’t be getting work even behind the scenes and Jin knew how much this would sadden Kazuya.
It just showed how determined he was to win Jin back.
“You don’t have to do this.” Jin finally said something after what seemed like an eternity but actually was just a couple of minutes. He let his head fall and his eyes study his feet as Jin didn’t have the courage to face Kazuya anymore. He was doing it again, he was hurting Kazuya again. “Even if the whole world knows about us, it won’t change a thing and…” he stopped, the words caught in his throat as Jin felt like he had lost the ability to speak. He was lying because he knew how important this was to Kazuya and he knew that for the younger one, it will be like he’d lose his whole world if he lost the world of acting. Even so, he couldn’t bring himself to stop him, not when he was painfully aware that… it might work.
And Jin hated himself for that.
Kazuya chuckled sadly as he decided to turn around and look at Jin this time. “I said it earlier, didn’t I? Even if I fail, I still can’t give up… so I’m seeing this through the end.” He said with a soft voice, somehow, even sadder that Jin still didn’t want to accept him back. “So, this will be like my first and true confession. With candles and champagne, remember?” Kazuya made small steps towards Jin, a gentle expression on his face as he evoked the beautiful and loving moments between him and the older one. “I’m not afraid, Jin.” He stopped in front of his loved one, looking down at him before he carefully grabbed his chin and lifted his head to meet his eyes. “I’m not afraid even of dying… I’m just afraid of losing you.” Kazuya whispered as he caressed with his thumb Jin’s cold cheek. “Even if it seems like I’ve already lost you.” He drew his hand away, now simply looking at the other one.
Suddenly, it started snowing.
Jin closed his eyes when Kazuya pulled his hand back, remaining like that for a few seconds. The night when they had become one for the first time was vividly replaying in his mind and it seemed to be the only happy memory with Kazuya that he could hold on. It was funny, actually, because they had had sex three times but two of them had just been painful. They had been lost in the pleasure and lust only to be faced with the cruel reality after.
Jin longed even for those moments now.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, for the first time apologizing to Kazuya while looking at him. “I’m sorry that - “
He didn’t get to finish his sentence because Kazuya’s hand clasped over his mouth, stopping any words from coming out. “Don’t apologize.” The young actor said on a rasp voice as his eyes bored into Jin’s. “You have nothing to apologize for.” He slowly pulled his hand away, his fingers ghostly touching Jin’s lips before completely losing the contact with them.
“But it’s my fault.” Jin argued, even his voice slightly trembling as he felt once again the fear of losing Kazuya completely controlling him. His head fell once more to his chest as the older one took a deep breath and tried to control his emotions, not wanting to look this weak and pathetic in front of the one he loved but not being able to restrain the pain he was feeling because of Kazuya’s words. “It’s my fault because I didn’t want to give up when you told me to.” He said and it was more than obvious how much it had pained him to know that maybe Kazuya would have had a good life with Ryo if he hadn’t been so stubborn to want him back. “It’s my fault that I came back into you life after three years and had been a fool not to know what had happened to you to make you leave like that. I should have known that it was my fault, I should have realized sooner that…” he blabbered in one breath only to be stopped by Kazuya once more.
“Shut up.” The younger one said with a harsh and edgy voice. He didn’t need Jin to remind him of his mistakes, to bring up such memories that only made things more painful. He didn’t want to hear Jin say that it would have been better if he had lived with the impression that Jin had been a jerk and had only wanted him for sex. “If we’re to talk about who’s at fault, I think we both know who that person is.” Kazuya continued on the same harsh tone, his palms fisting a little. “I’m at fault for leaving back then when I should have asked you explanations or at least listen what you said to Josh till the end. I’m at fault for not listening to Yuuya’s advice to demand the truth from you, after the first year had passed.” The younger one’s voice softened a little as Yuuya’s name popped up involuntarily and it was clear the pain he was still feeling over the loss of his little brother. “I’m at fault for everything, so don’t say that you should have given up on me.” On a whim, Kazuya cupped Jin’s face and brought it up to meet his as he also leaned forward. “I’m a hopeless, useless jerk that hurt you, but you coming back after me made me the happiest man alive. So don’t take this feeling away when I’m already losing you.” He begged, his voice quivering towards the end and his fingers trembling a little on Jin’s face.
The older one looked at Kazuya with teary eyes, on the verge of breaking but still trying to keep his emotions for himself. They had both been stupid and they continued to be ones. While Kazuya couldn’t give Jin up, Jin couldn’t trust him and believe in his words that this will never happen again. But in the end, did it really matter that much? If not being together was making them suffer this much, how much more they could suffer if they were to become lovers a second time, as it was clearly obvious that both of them wanted desperately to?
Jin had no idea.
“Jin, listen.” Kazuya knelt in front of Jin, his hands still on the other one’s face. “We have been difficult from the beginning, but we pulled it through.” He looked into Jin’s teary eyes and he felt his own getting watery, making him wonder just how many tears will they cry until they will find peace. “What I’m doing right now is because I want you to know that I’ve done a mistake - a huge one - and I’ve learnt from it. First time, I have been scared and insecure because I was stupid and it was the first time I was giving myself like this. Right now, I know what living without you means and I certainly don’t want such a thing again.” He closed his eyes and he let his hands drew back gently, as he didn’t want to lose contact with Jin’s skin. There were snowflakes all around them, surrounding and engulfing them in their cold and fluffy embrace. “If I can’t have you now… it doesn’t mean I will give up. You don’t trust me anymore, but I trust you. Maybe I can’t stop you from leaving…” He stopped and even if he didn’t say the words, it was clear that he hoped to stop Jin from leaving his side.
Jin didn’t know what to say. It was the first time he was seeing Kazuya like this and the fact that he seemed to be naked in front of him, laying all of his feelings in front of the older one, was making him feel like he was seeing a totally new Kazuya. The younger one had always been honest with himself and he had never been able to hide his true emotions from Jin but in the three years that they had spent apart, some things had changed and Kazuya had become like a closed book to Jin. But now, just with a few words, it was like all the time that had passed had been erased between them and they were once again the fools that had fallen in love without knowing what consequences this might have.
“We’ve hurt each other too much.” Jin finally said something, but not realizing that he had said with thoughts with a loud voice. He startled and seemed to be a little shy because of what he had said, fidgeting on the spot and avoiding Kazuya’s eyes. A sigh that escaped his lips made him stop. “I love you, Kazuya, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you.” He continued, looking into the younger one’s eyes and him being the one this time to search for his hand and entwine it with his while his other one gentle cupped the boy’s cheek. “But I have to leave now or this love will hurt both of us and we won’t be able to fix it anymore.” He said with a small voice, painfully aware that this might also mean that their future won’t be together. Because while trying to forget or at least not to hurt anymore… their life will go on.
And new loves might appear.
Again, the rising and crashing hope that Jin always managed to sprout in his heart appeared. But his words were speaking of a future that Kazuya wasn’t able to see since Jin kept saying that they couldn’t be together. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch of Jin’s palm as he grasped tighter the other hand. “Stay.” He said on a hushed voice, a sad and pleading expression appearing on his face. “Stay with me.” Kazuya continued and this time, he opened his eyes to look straight into Jin’s ones. “This time, I’m staying, so, please, don’t leave me.” He added and his voice cracked towards the end as he could only beg for Jin to stay by his side, to try again.
Jin’s answer was quick to come. “I can’t.” he said and leaned closer to place a short kiss on the younger’s forehead before pulling back and standing up. “I told you I have a meeting in America and I have to be there.” He added like this was the only reason he was leaving even if both of them knew perfectly well what was the truth.
Kazuya sighed and looked down before he stood up too, even if he avoided Jin’s eyes. “Then… one last favor.” The young actor said and sneaked a glance to their surroundings. His heart was pounding fast against his ribs and his mind was telling him to shut up, not to ruin everything. But he needed this, because no one could tell him when the next time he and Jin will meet again. “Kiss me.” He whispered the words, but it was loud enough for the other one to hear, even if he was still not looking at Jin. The snowflakes were dancing around them, the cold bit harshly into their skin, but who cared? Kazuya just wanted Jin to kiss him like the first time, like the last time, like tomorrow will never come.
Jin blinked, but before his mind had time to register anything, he already found himself leaning towards Kazuya, catching his wrist and pulling the boy into his arms. “You always make me do crazy things.” He said with a half laugh before crushing their lips together, kissing him passionately but gently in the same time, rushing it but keeping it slow and tender. It was a mix of what he was feeling, a mix of the part of him that knew they had no future together and that they were better off without each other and the other part that just longed for Kazuya and would have done anything to just be with him. And Jin had to admit that he had really missed this. God, how long had passed since they had last kissed like this, since they had let themselves free and to show the other one what was running through their minds? It felt like an eternity and Jin felt like he had been punished by being away from Kazuya.
Still, this sin was far too sweet to let it go and Jin had no intention of doing it.
They parted maybe too fast, maybe too slow, their lips still lingering on the other one and staying close, both of them obviously not wanting to move from their embrace. But the snow was falling harder on them and the cold was starting to keep them from moving too much. They had to separate.
Kazuya smiled softly before he pressed gently his lips against Jin’s once more. “My Christmas present.” He whispered and drew back, a sad, but happy smile dancing on his lips. He was already missing Jin’s warmth, making him feel colder than he was already. “Merry Christmas, Jin.” Kazuya wished and with this, he turned and walked away from his love, thinking that it was their first Christmas together and it was no near as special as it should have been. He brought one hand to his burning lips and the younger one stifled a sob, ignoring the pain in his heart. He should at least be happy that Jin still loved him.
As long they loved each other, Kazuya wasn’t going to lose his hope.
Jin could only look at Kazuya’s retreating form, thinking the same thing as the younger one. This wasn’t what he had expected from his first Christmas spent with Kazuya, but the truth was that he had never expected the day to come when he’ll even see the boy on Christmas day. When they had first met, it was summer and the thought of the winter holidays was far away from him. And now… he had been too preoccupied with having Kazuya back to even think that it was that time of the year yet again.
A small and sad smile spread on his lips as Kazuya disappeared around the corner. At least now, Jin knew what he had to do.
*
PART II
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
A/N: This is the final chapter of what has been a roller-coaster of emotions, so I want to thank all of you who have read and also commented on this story, of those you have only read and had followed this story and of those who had been with us from the beginning till the end or had embarked on this journey with us later in the story. Every comments of yours had made us write more, so we are very grateful for those who had taken a little bit of their time to leave us their appreciation.
Also, I want to say that we have a new community where we will be posting our new fics so please follow it for new updates. A new Akame story will start very soon and even if it's short, you might enjoy it ^^ For those of you who have seen the movie 'In time', our new fic 'Bed of Lies' is set in the same universe where only time matters and people die timing-out. So please join and continue to follow us!!
Addictive Time Community for NEW AKAME STORIES
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story - Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P.
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eight song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun burns down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious one
Fifteenth song ~ Never again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue tuesday
Seventeenth song ~ Murasaki
Eighteenth song ~ The Fifth Season
Nineteenth song ~ I'll be with you
Twentieth song ~ Sadistic Love
Twenty-first song ~ Hesitate
Chapter twenty-two
Twenty second song ~ Eternal
Even if there comes a time, when we are reborn into a different world
Each of us will meet again the same way,
And I will still love you the same way.
<< Hate leaves ugly scars, love leaves beautiful ones. >>*
Kazuya took a deep breath as he pressed the buttons for Jin’s apartment and waited for it to connect, feeling his heart sink to his knees in waiting.
It had been a week since he last met Jin and he could honestly say that that probably hadn’t been their best encounter since Jin had had to protect him while he was dead-drunk. Apparently, even if he wanted to, he couldn’t stop creating trouble for the singer, always putting him in tight spots. But maybe this was fate saying that they should be together, even if the odds were against their relationship.
It was funny actually how he always failed, but still managed to make himself believe that there was still a chance for them. Could it be that Jin had been the same when he had pursued him, trying to make him come back to him? Was it love which made him want to push forward, to break through even if it hurt at the end of the day?
Maybe… even so, it was an excuse for him and his ruthless actions.
Because he was here again, to try another time - even if it seemed futile for a while - to reach Jin and have him forgive him. He was slowly losing the hope to get back together, but it still existed. The connection went through and Kazuya’s breath hitched in the back of his throat as Jin’s voice was heard at the interphone.
“Jin, it’s me.” He said to the other one, but was met with silence. “I want to talk, can you let me in?” He tried again, the plea clear in his voice. Then the intercom died and Kazuya waited for a few seconds before he realized that Jin wasn’t going to open to him tonight, sort of making him laugh. He dialed again, but this time it didn’t connect, probably Jin had interrupted the access.
He sort of expected this reaction, yet… not. It made him feel like Jin really didn’t want to see him, but this was the truth actually, no? After all he had done, he’d be stupid to hope that Jin still wanted him in his life. But could he at least apologize for his last mistake, the one in the club? Or wasn’t he allowed even this?
Kazuya sighed as he took out his phone and dialed Jin’s number, futile calling as the singer obviously wasn’t going to answer him. But he was stubborn as a mule and if he had to, he’ll spend the whole night there until someone will come by and let him inside. Because he really wanted to apologize and to properly thank him for what he had done in the club. So he quickly texted a message to Jin, clearly saying to him that -
‘I’ll wait here until you hear me out.’
And now all he could do was to keep true his words.
The clock hit five in the morning when the door to the apartment complex finally opened, but Kazuya wasn’t aware of it anymore at this point, too frozen and already half-asleep to notice anything of what was happening around him. A man exited the hallway and he seemed to be looking for something, searching on his right and left and then sighing in relief.
“Thank God he had left.” Jin said with a small voice, turning around to get back to his house when his gaze fell on the younger one. His eyes widened in shock and he didn’t waste any other second to undress himself and put the jacket on the boy, hugging it on Kazuya as much as he could and trying to create some warmth for the other one. “You’re an idiot, do you know that?!” he practically yelled, more than annoyed to see that Kazuya had really spent the night outside as he had said. Jin didn’t waste any more time and hurried to take the younger in his arms, a small whimper leaving the boy’s lips at the sudden warmth of Jin’s that was enveloping him.
His heart was beating fast and Jin felt like going crazy with the way the elevator seemed to move slower than it had ever done. “Come on, come on.” He continued to repeat, anxiously waiting for the moment when they’ll reach the top floor and hugging Kazuya close to him, trying to share from his body warmth even if it seemed quite impossible in that moment. As soon as the doors opened, Jin practically flew to his apartment and, more or less, kicked the door open, running after that to the bathroom and turning on the hot water.
“I can’t believe you’re this stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.” It was the only thing he could do or say and even if Kazuya wasn’t conscious anymore, Jin couldn’t stop from talking to him and at least creating the sensation that he wasn’t alone and that Kazuya wasn’t in grave danger. How could he have stayed all night outside when winter had just come and the first snow of the season had just fallen?! It had to be his luck, Jin thought with a click of his tongue, that it had started snowing exactly on the night when Kazuya had decided to be stupid and try to win him back in a preposterous way.
It scared him though. He had always known that Kazuya was stubborn, but he had believed that if he were to ignore the younger one, not answering his phone and not letting him in, then Kazuya will leave and will not insist - at least for the moment. He had never believed that the boy would be as stubborn as to spend a whole night outside, in cold, almost covered by snow and bathed by the cold wind just because he had something to say to him.
It made Jin feel all the more guilty.
“I’m going to kill once you’re better.” Jin swore as he hurried to pull off all the frozen clothes from the younger one, undressing him completely before dipping him into the hot water from the bathtub. It worried him that Kazuya still wasn’t reacting and that he wasn’t even opening his eyes, but exactly when Jin felt like he’d go crazy because of his anxiousness, he felt something grabbing his fingers and trying to squish them. Jin could swear that he had never been happier in his life than in that moment when he saw Kazuya’s open eyes and his weak smile.
“You’re going to be fine.” Jin assured him and Kazuya could only nod, closing his eyes again and letting Jin to take care of him as he wasn’t in any state to do anything else. The older one hurried to get him out of the water after that, dressing him completely with warm clothes and then tucking him into bed, leaving his side only for a couple of minutes that he needed to call a doctor. He wasn’t going to be relaxed or calm until he’ll know that Kazuya wasn’t in any danger and even if he hadn’t slept the whole night because of worry, Jin spent the next day watching over Kazuya, sometimes slipping under the covers with him to give him some body heat and other times pacing around the room as he gave the younger one the medicine that the doctor had prescribed for him.
He only managed to fall asleep for a bit when night was on the verge of falling again but stirred up after a few minutes as something suddenly moved next to him.
It was cold, his body was so cold that he couldn’t help shivering, even if he felt that there was something covering him - a blanket or something. Kazuya squirmed into a ball and turned right, snuggling into the sudden warmth he had discovered. Warm - that was the only thing his mind could think of, the only thing his body needed right now. He slipped his feet between something, sighing contentedly as there was warmth enveloping them now. He pressed his face onto something flat and soft, with a particular scent - one he loved dearly. His palms were also spread onto the same warm surface, making him cuddle even more into that warmth.
Beat. Beat.
Sounds like this drummed into his ear and under his palms, slightly waking him up. Kazuya opened his eyes slowly and looked around blearily. Where was he? Was he dreaming? Something warm and wet fell on his eyes and Kazuya grabbed it only to find that it was a white cloth. He then looked up and saw something that stopped him breathing. The dark chocolate eyes that he had come to love so much were looking back at him.
Instantly he pulled away and stood up, shock clearly written on his face. “Jin.” His voice was rasp and almost inaudible. What was he doing here? Why was Jin here? Better said, where was he again?! Then his body shivered again, the long warmth gone and memories started flooding his mind. Yes, he had waited for Jin to apologize, he had waited for him outside his apartment and it had snowed. That was why it was cold now, that was why he felt so cold - not because Jin was again gentle towards him, but because it had snowed during the night and he had waited out in the cold.
Jin’s face was blank as he looked back at Kazuya, only his eyes twinkling and showing that he was actually worried to death for the younger one. “How are you feeling?” he asked with a rasp voice, getting again closer to the boy and taking the cloth that had fallen to put it back on Kazuya’s forehead though it needed to be dipped in water again. His hand gently caressed the boy’s face, searching if he still had a fever and frowning when he discovered that it was indeed so. “You should sleep some more, it will help you get better sooner.” The actor added with a small smile on his lips, pulling the boy back on the bed and dragging the blankets, starting to cover Kazuya with them.
The younger one looked at Jin with round and big eyes, not knowing what to make of all this. “I…” He wanted to say but the word came out with a ragged tone, one that screeched on your ears. He chose to shake his head, blinking fast. “No… sleep.” He forced himself to say, feeling his throat more than sore and aching. Still, he snuggled under the blankets, curling once more into a ball, making him seem like a blanket cocoon.
“Okay.” Jin answered, not being able to stop himself from touching yet again Kazuya and letting his fingers brush against his cheek for a few second before backing away and throwing the covers off of him to get out of the bed. “I’ll be right back, okay?” he then added with a gentle voice, totally different from the face that he was trying to keep blank and uncaring.
Kazuya’s eyes followed Jin’s figure as he got out of the room, heaving a sigh after the door was slightly closed now. He shuddered under the blankets as he recalled the feelings he had earlier, before he realized that it was Jin the warmth he had been cuddling into. They had been again this close - and Jin was only in his boxers! - but this only showed to him just how much they were far away from each other, an icy wall separating them.
Far away.
The younger blinked a few times and then he stood up, looking around confused. His clothes were on a chair, probably already dried - he didn’t know how much he had been sleeping - and the most important thing… Kazuya crawled out of bed, his body shaking as he was dressed only in a T-shirt and some boxers - probably Jin’s - but he didn’t care. He had come to Jin for two reasons that night. One was that he wanted to apologize and the second that he had another surprise for Jin. It was his way of saying sorry again and again, hoping that through this method maybe Jin will listen to him. Kazuya searched his jacket’s pockets, finally finding the piece of paper he held dearly. He surveyed the room again and spotted the object he needed.
Will he be able to convey his feelings and apologize now?
From across the hallway, Jin slightly tensed when he heard the first accords of music. He looked with an inquiring stare at the door where he knew that he had let the younger one, like he could see through it what was happening and why was he suddenly hearing his own guitar playing. He frowned and took the warm soup and the pills that he had brought for Kazuya, hurrying to get to his room and getting more worried with every step that he took, now the sound of Kazuya’s voice being able to be heard. It was as rasp as when he had let him alone and Jin could tell that the younger was making great efforts to sing the notes, but he couldn’t understand why.
“What do you think you’re doing?” the older one asked as soon as he opened the door, his eyes immediately falling on Kazuya’s sick form who was now trying to quickly hide something. “Kazuya?” Jin said his name with a demanding tone, glancing at the guitar on Kazuya’s lap and clearly wanting an explanation for this.
The younger gulped, trying to clear his voice. “Just…” He stopped a little, closing his eyes as the sound of his voice was hoarse and broken. “… hear me out.” He looked at Jin and without waiting for a reply, he turned his attention to the guitar, positioning it and putting his slightly trembling fingers on its chords. The silence was filled with a familiar melody for both of them, a feeling of being far from the one you loved residing within its notes.
So far away
Kazuya’s voice came out as a mumble, but it was clear enough to be heard. Just this one verse and it was filled with despair and neediness, with feelings of being lost and yearning. And even if his voice right now wasn’t the best, he will still sing this song for Jin. He had to, he needed to.
This time, this place
Misused, mistakes
He won’t look at Jin, he won’t open his eyes and see Jin’s expression because he was afraid. He had done so many mistakes, he had wronged too much, of this he was very much aware. That was why he wanted to apologize, he will admit being an insecure and stupid lover. But nonetheless, he still loved Jin.
Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Towards the end of this verse, his voice was more strained than he thought it will come out. But he will continue because through this song he was admitting all of his mistakes, he was pledging his love once more and he was asking Jin to forgive him… That was why, even if his throat hurt, even if he felt his eyes burn with tears, he will sing.
But there was a sudden stop to his strumming and Jin’s hand clutched onto the guitar, taking it away from him. Kazuya’s eyes snapped open, as watery as they were, only to stare into Jin’s slightly teary, but definitely angry ones. He gulped and shook his head, refusing to see the tears in Jin’s eyes and even with the guitar away, he still wanted to sing. With his head lowered, he continued.
Just one chance, just one breath.
“Kazuya!” Jin’s voice echoed in the room as the older one grabbed him by his shoulders and shook him a little, forcing the boy to stop his singing because of the force he had used and to look at him as Jin’s hand clenched on the younger one’s chin. “It won’t work.” He said, his voice breaking and not being able to stop it, as he couldn’t stop his tears from making their appearance. He had recognized the song as being the one Kazuya had tried to play at his parents’ house, but Jin would have never believed that it had been written for him. He had had no idea that the boy had made that song maybe with the intention of being forgiven, of expressing all of his feelings like Jin had once said that he would always do.
But he couldn’t let him sing, not when Kazuya was like this - barely speaking, cold and sick, definitely needing more than the soup that Jin had brought to him. So when he had started again to sing, Jin did the only thing that he could think of to stop him from destroying himself even more; he kissed Kazuya - and maybe destroying the both of them through this simple action. “It won’t work.” He repeated as they parted, his voice on the edge and seeming like he was making great efforts to stop himself from crying out loud. “We’re not going to be together ever again, no matter what you do.” Jin added and put a little more distance between them, finally leaving the proximity of Kazuya’s lips to be able to look him in the eyes. “It’s over.” The words were whispered and it felt like it had just been the wind to say them, but the heavy atmosphere of the room told the truth.
The hope that the kiss had seeded within his soul shattered instantly at Jin’s words and Kazuya could only cry silently in front of Jin. “This song…” he muttered, trying to be coherent or at least calm, though it was clear that such thing was impossible right now, “… is for you.” He completed even if an explanation hadn’t been needed since it was obvious. “I don’t care about anything else if I don’t have you.” Kazuya lifted a trembling hand to touch Jin’s cheek. “I don’t want…” his voice shook and the young actor closed his eyes for a second to deal with the pain in his throat, “… this to be over.”
“I’m going back to America.”
This one sentence had the gift to drain all of the little color Kazuya’s face had. He could only stare at Jin, the words the other one had said circling and circling in his mind. His hand fell down on the bed as he felt that he had no strength or whatsoever to even breathe. Jin was taking everything away from him and he couldn’t do anything to stop him, because he had no right anymore. All he could do was to watch his only and true love leave him behind because of his past mistakes.
Kazuya drew away from Jin, his eyes still settled on the other one, as if he was waiting for him to shout April’s fool or something, but the serious and painful expression of Jin showed him that such thing wasn’t going to happen. A hoarse chuckle was heard and the younger climbed out of the bed, passing Jin and taking his clothes with shaken moves as his whole body was unable to stop its trembling. This time, Kazuya was sure that it wasn’t a reaction to the cold, it was simply because his mind, heart and body couldn’t cope with the fact that Jin was going to leave for America and probably never going to come back - he had no real reason this time.
Jin forced himself to take back his hand that had automatically stretched towards Kazuya when he had seen his defeated and desolated expression. But he couldn’t, he shouldn’t. If he started to show once again how much he loved the younger, then maybe he’ll make Kazuya change his mind again and he didn’t want that. For the past days, the only thing they had done was to hurt each other and Jin was sick of it. That was why he had wanted to go back to America, to his home, to the place where he could forget everything about his pain and pretend that Kazuya had never existed. He had never thought that he’d be the one to say these words to the boy and to see that expression that crushed his soul and destroyed his heart. His flight was in a few days and that was why he hadn’t wanted to let Kazuya come into his house. He didn’t want him there to make him doubt his decision once again.
Besides, it was better for Kazuya too this way. Maybe now he could stop from trying to be with Jin when their relationship had no future. Without trust - from neither one of them - their love wouldn’t have a good ending and Jin was sure that the only thing that would follow would be even more pain than this - they had learned this the hard way, after all. The only true and happy time had been at the beginning, when they had just met and didn’t know anything about each other. Maybe it would have been better if it had stayed like that and they had never become lovers.
But if this was the right decision, why was he feeling like a jerk in that moment and like he had done the biggest mistake in his life?
“Call someone to pick you up, you’re not leaving from here alone.” Jin’s words had been hushed, like he was afraid now to talk to Kazuya and to even see his expression. That was why he was looking at everything but the younger - he didn’t want to waver anymore.
Kazuya finished dressing, avoiding looking at Jin like the other one was doing too. This felt so wrong, so unfair and so painful that he wanted to believe that it was a nightmare, that such words like going back to america or it’s over had never been said. But it wasn’t and he was once more on the verge of crashing. “I’m fine on my own.” The young actor said with the same hoarse voice, grabbing his jacket and preparing to leave. “T -” He paused and then looked at Jin with a dejected expression. “Thank you for taking care of me. I’m sorry.” Kazuya bowed a little, feeling that the only thing that could save him now was the polite façade it had always characterized him, even if the last words were full of meaning and sadness. He turned to leave, thinking that this was ironic - he was again leaving from Jin’s apartment with his heart broken and tears in his eyes.
Jin could just look at him and his slumped back as the younger one disappeared from his vision. It hurt, it hurt too much to know that now everything really was over and that Kazuya had finally given up. He couldn’t deny anymore that a small part of him had wanted the boy to continue to want to persuade him, not to give up at their love no matter how many times Jin rejected him. But then there was the other part that always screamed of pain whenever they were close to each other, showing him what he could have had but wasn’t allowed to.
He didn’t know what to do.
Kazuya was sick and even in such conditions, he had still tried to convey his feelings to Jin - feelings that Jin already knew too well. They were cursed to remain in love with each other but not together - ever again. It was funny how Jin had always been the one to chase after Kazuya and now when their roles had changed, they ended up in such a situation, with a broken Jin and a barely walking Kazuya.
The last image of the younger made Jin jump into his shoes and run after him. He couldn’t just let him leave like that, not knowing what could happen to him if he tried to walk in that state home or tried to drive when it was clearly that he couldn’t see well because of the fever. The warm soup and the pills had remained on Jin’s desk and he was regretting more and more that he hadn’t forced the younger one to take them before leaving. It would be his fault if Kazuya had an accident. He would be the one responsible if Kazuya got hurt now.
And the last thing Jin wanted to see was such a Kazuya.
He managed to catch him at the corner of the street, chasing after him in the cold snow that had fallen over the night, only in a shirt and some pants, breathing hard but still running. He caught Kazuya by his arm and didn’t give him a chance to say anything before starting to pull him towards a cab that he had seen parked close. “Come.” Was the only word uttered.
Nothing less, nothing more.
Although Kazuya didn’t have the strength to pull himself free from Jin’s hold, he still tried. “Let go, I’m okay.” He insisted, slightly stumbling on his feet as Jin dragged him towards the taxi. “I can take the subway, I’m fine, really.” Kazuya continued to say, feebly pulling his body back in his attempt to stop Jin.
The older one stopped in his tracks and hugged Kazuya in the middle of the street to stop his every movement. “No, you can’t. You’re so weak that you can’t even escape from my embrace.” He said as an explanation for his action even if Kazuya had stopped struggling the moment he realized what was happening. “So do as I say.” Jin added, his voice soft and low and gentle and - more than obvious - full with love.
A feeble whimper left Kazuya’s lips as he was crushed in Jin’s embrace. But he couldn’t lift his hands to reply to it, he couldn’t bring himself to hug Jin back, he really didn’t have the strength. “Why…?” The young actor mumbled, feeling his eyes burning again with tears. “Is it that difficult to trust in me again…?” Kazuya asked and there was a slight whine in his voice. He understood why Jin was hesitating, he knew why they couldn’t be together, but still - he wanted just one more chance.
Jin slowly lifted his hand, like he was afraid of what such a gesture would mean and what consequences it could have, and settled it gently on the boy’s head, patting it slightly and caressing his hair before leaning back and looking into his teary eyes. “Let’s go to the cab, okay? It’s dangerous if you stay too much outside when you’re this sick.” He said as he wiped those tears that he already hated, clearly dodging the question but really not wanting to discuss such a thing with Kazuya.
Because the truth was… that even Jin didn’t know the answer to that question. He had blindly trusted Kazuya at the beginning, believing in him even when the boy had disappeared for three years and had come back with his best friend as a lover. His heart had shut down the moment Kazuya had said that Jin had been everything but something important in his life and his mind had started to create a wall to protect itself from the danger of being hurt so bad that it would break too when Kazuya had revealed his real reason. It was like something had been born in him when he had found out the truth, his soul already empty of love and full with regret and disappointment, making it more than easy to create the idea that he couldn’t trust anything from Kazuya’s words.
Now… it had just become too painful to even be together. And no matter how much he wanted this too, Jin didn’t know if he was able to do it for the second time with Kazuya.
The young actor lowered his head in an imperceptible nod, aware that Jin will refuse to answer him. He slipped away from the older one and with a sad smile, he headed to the car without saying any other word, Jin quickly following him to be sure that nothing will happen in the last few seconds that remained. Or maybe because he still didn’t want to part from the younger, he couldn’t exactly tell what feeling was dominating his heart in that moment.
Kazuya didn’t stop until he was in front of the car’s door, only then turning around to look at Jin and trying to contain the suffering from his voice as he asked the question which crushed his soul into a thousand pieces. Or maybe more - it definitely felt like that. “When are you leaving?”
Jin gulped and turned his gaze away from Kazuya for a moment, before looking back at him and sighing. “Probably immediately after Christmas.” He answered, his voice trembling now because of the cold that was starting to take reign of his body. “I want to be home to celebrate with my family, but I have to attend a party for my job in America so I don’t have that much time to waste.” He confessed, hugging himself and running his hands over his arms to keep himself warm.
Kazuya tried to keep a calm expression, though it was kind of difficult as everything he loved and wanted was slipping through his fingers and he was unable to do anything to keep it longer. He undressed himself of the jacket and pushed it over Jin’s arms and then he opened the cab’s door and slipped inside, not before saying - “Hurry back, you’re freezing.” And with that, he shut the door, giving his address to the taxi driver. The way he was leaving now made him feel like this wasn’t goodbye - not yet. And he was still not able to let go of Jin completely, that was why he had one week to figure something out.
He had to stop Jin from leaving him - anyway, anyhow - it didn’t matter.
Jin didn’t know how much time he had spent outside, looking after Kazuya’s figure even if the car wasn’t in his sight anymore. He had all these contradicting feelings in his chest, like he wanted to go after the boy and make sure that he was okay, but in the same time, knowing that he had to stay away from him like he had promised to himself.
It was weird because while Kazuya had been trying to win him back, Jin had rejected him and it had been a little easier to do it while knowing that the younger one would always come back and maybe - maybe - one day, he’ll actually manage to convince Jin to forgive him. But now, now that he had decided himself to end everything and to go back to America, it was hard even to go inside at the warmth of his own apartment when knowing that no one will ever expect for him. Now that he had convinced himself that this was the right thing to do, Jin couldn’t turn his back on Kazuya anymore and it was becoming painful to even think at the lonely days that will follow without the younger one.
With a defeated sigh, Jin turned around to leave and go back to his apartment, snuggling into Kazuya’s jacket and inhaling his scent. Everything had happened too fast and Jin hadn’t even had time to react when he had found himself with the boy’s jacket on him even if Kazuya was the one sick and needed it probably more than Jin did. A smile curled up his lips, thinking that maybe he would have done the same thing, not caring about his own well being and only thinking about Kazuya’s. After all, they were still in love with each other and they still acted the same, loving and caring about the other one like he was the most important person in the world.
Jin shook his head to stop thinking at such things and closed the door of the apartment behind him, immediately going to search for his phone. Only after finally finding Koki’s number at one of his staff members and calling him to tell that Kazuya was sick and that he probably needed someone to take care of him, Jin could allow himself to breathe freely, a little less worried now that the boy was on good hands and won’t be alone once he would get home.
Going back to his room and slipping under his covers, with Kazuya’s jacket still on him, was one of the hardest things Jin had had to do lately. He could still picture the way Kazuya had slept there, in his bed, breathing hard because Jin had once again been a jerk and had let him outside in the cold, to freeze to death. But it wasn’t his fault, he had thought that Kazuya would give up after an hour, two tops, of seeing that he had no chance to make Jin listen to him.
But then again, he had forgotten how stubborn could Kazuya be.
His hands sneaked around the pillow to breathe even more into that scent that had been driving him crazy for more than three years and his eyes widened as he realized that there was something there, a paper of some sort. He pulled it out and his breath stuck out in his throat when he realized what was written there.
It was Kazuya’s song.
Closing his eyes, Jin remembered that he had though that the melody was kind of familiar and that he had heard it before, when Kazuya had followed him back at his parents’ home and had asked Jin to help him with it. He hadn’t known that the boy had been preparing this song since then, trying to say that he was sorry in the same way that Jin used to express his feelings - by singing.
With a trembling hand, Jin grabbed his guitar which had been abandoned on the bed and, closing his eyes, he tried to remember the notes of the song, his hands swinging easily over the strings like the melody was already imprinted in his heart and soul. With a shaking voice, he started singing.
This time, this place
Misused, mistakes
Too long, too late
Who was I to make you wait?
Just one chance,
Just one breath,
Just in case there’s just one left
‘Cause you know, you know, you know…
That I love you.
I have loved you all along and I miss you,
Been away for far too long
I keep dreaming you’ll be with me
And you’ll never go
Stop breathing if
I don’t see you anymore.
It was becoming painful to sing at this point, not being able to keep his eyes open anymore because of the tears that had gathered in them. Because of course he knew, he knew how much Kazuya loved him and Kazuya also knew how much Jin loved him. They were both helplessly in love and two idiots that had allowed fate and some stupid happenings to set them apart, not believing enough in the other one and believing too much some times. It hurt them, it made them suffer, but why couldn’t they just overcome all their difficulties? Why couldn’t they just forget and be happy, as they both wanted to be?
Because life was hard and things couldn’t be that easy. Because doubts will exist forever if they didn’t do anything to erase them, to destroy every thing that could stop them from being together besides their own feelings.
On my knees, I’ll ask
Last chance for one last dance
‘Cause with you, I’d withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I’d give it all
I’d give for us
Give anything but I won’t give up
‘Cause you know, you know, you know…**
Unfortunately, Jin didn’t think that there was a sole thing that Kazuya could do to make him trust again.
*
He hadn’t really believed that Kazuya would try to contact him before he left the country. That was why Jin had been so surprised to hear his phone ringing with a new message and to see Kazuya’s name displayed on its screen. The words had been simple, not giving even a clue about what was the younger one planning to do and leaving Jin in even more agony as he struggled to find the hidden meaning of the message.
“Please come to the park where you once brought me. I’ll be waiting for you. Kazuya.”
That was all that the boy had chosen to say, hoping that it was enough to draw Jin to him. And maybe it was because he was now fiddling nervously around his room and trying to decide if to ignore the message or to just go and finish with this, once and for all. Of course, even if he’d go, this didn’t mean that Kazuya will really give up at trying to get him back and it might just create other problems for him. They were bound to end up in a weird situation as it had happened every time they had met and Jin knew he would just regret if he went to see Kazuya even if it was for the last time.
Then why was he taking his jacket and going out the door? No, he wasn’t going to see Kazuya, Jin told himself with a determined nod, he was just going out for a walk. He had gotten bored sitting between those four walls and he wanted some fresh air, that was all. And he was definitely not going towards the park that Kazuya had mentioned, the one where he had gotten that phone call from Yuuya and had been maybe the night which had changed their entire life as the younger one had finally learned to lean on someone else too. It really was the place where everything had started, in one way or another, because that had been the moment when Jin had been accepted into their family, when Kazuya had let him help and had shared his difficulties with his lover.
That park held a precious significance from them and Jin was now wondering why had Kazuya called him there, even more when it was Christmas Eve. He should be out and celebrating with his friends and family, thing which Jin should have been doing too if he hadn’t been staring at his phone for half an hour before finally leaving the house - and totally forgetting that he was supposed to meet his friends.
It didn’t matter though because he was definitely not going to meet Kazuya. It was just that the park was near his building and of course Jin was bound to pass through it. After all, he was taking a walk to relax himself and what better place than a park, right?
A small laugh escaped his lips as Kazuya’s form appeared in his sight. He could try to lie to himself as much as he wanted to, but the truth was that he’ll always want to see Kazuya and to be with him, even if it would be just for a moment - or even less. He was feeling his resolve to keep the boy far from him slowly melting into acceptance, not being able to keep this charade and to be forced to reject him every time. He couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t bear to hurt Kazuya more than he had already done. He didn’t mean to, but he was slowly destroying Kazuya’s life by taking what was more precious to him. First, he had stubbornly followed him around and had reminded him of painful things, like Yuuya’s death and how beautiful their love had been. Then he had rejected him, hurt him physically and emotionally, had even gotten to the point where he’d kept Kazuya away from his work - and this was one thing that Kazuya never did.
They had to stop this, but the problem was that there was still something that was keeping Jin from believing in him completely.
And that was why it was better if he would just leave for America and never see the younger again.
“Kazuya.” His voice sounded like a whisper in the cold atmosphere, fearful and worried about what might happen now and what was the reason Kazuya had called him for. A part of him didn’t want to know, but there was also another part that had brought him there and had even given him the courage to talk to the younger.
Kazuya’s body stiffened for the moment before he turned to face Jin, his cheeks and nose red from the cold. He had an awkward smile on his face and he was grasping his hands out of anxiety and cold in the same time. “You came.” The boy said with a shackled voice as his eyes swept over Jin’s figure. There was a silence after this, in which both of them stared at each other, feelings and words circling inside their hearts and minds but never uttered. “Umm…” Kazuya started and bit his lower lip as he fidgeted on the spot from one leg to another. “Sorry to call you out on Christmas’s Eve, but I -” He paused and gulped a little. It was difficult to say why he had truly called Jin out and it was even more difficult to accept that the older one was indeed leaving. “I just didn’t know when I’ll be able to see you before -” The young actor paused again and took a deep breath. “- you leave.” Even his words hurt as he had said this, it still seemed surreal and impossible. But, maybe for once, he should try and accept the reality.
“It’s okay.” Jin answered, not knowing what to say or what to do. It was a little weird to be there with Kazuya again when they were in the situation of not being together and actually preparing for a definite separation. The last time they had been in that park, they had still been in love and happy together, but now even this thought seemed to be very far away from them. “It was on my way because I’m supposed to be meeting someone, so…” Jin lingered on his words, not knowing why he had lied but in the same time, not wanting Kazuya to know that he had come there just because he had called him - it would give him hopes and Jin didn’t want to hurt him any more than this.
A brief pain appeared on Kazuya’s face, but it disappeared quickly under the mask of a sad smile. “I see.” He mumbled and looked down a little, involuntarily thinking that Jin was meeting someone on Christmas Eve, someone that wasn’t him. “Actually -” He looked up at Jin again and his voice trembled as he continued. “- I wanted you to know something. It’s probably yet again the desperate act of someone who loves you, but I feel like I still can’t give up.” His eyes were filled with raw emotions and determination. “Maybe this will be my last chance to win you back, but, even if I fail…” He stopped, not knowing what to say if he truly failed. In fact, he didn’t even feel hope that this time he will make Jin turn away and look at him as he did before he made that stupid decision to leave. But, in a way, it didn’t matter- without Jin, he didn’t need anything else. “I know that my words alone can’t bring back the trust and love you had for me. That’s why -” Kazuya paused and licked his lips, letting a slight worry pass over his features. “- I’m telling everyone that I’m in love with you. When we became a couple, I wanted to keep our relationship secret and maybe this had made you feel insecure about me, that’ s why, now I’m going to tell everyone that I love a single man - Akanishi Jin.” The young actor added and from the way he had his hands tightened around each other, you could notice the great deal of determination and strain this simple act was taking him. But he was willing to do everything for Jin, it didn’t matter what everyone else will think or say about him.
Somehow, Jin couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re stupid, you know that?” he said while shaking his head and passing Kazuya to head over to the swings. He had to admit that if he had heard this sooner, maybe he would have been convinced by it and that it would have made him see that the younger one really did love him. But now it seemed pointless because Jin was already aware of Kazuya’s love for him and while this certainly could be an assurance for their relationship… it could also destroy it. “If you say my name to the whole world, then the press will do anything to catch us together. This means that it would be even harder to be together.” Jin pointed out with a sigh, looking a little sad at the swing before deciding to try it on. “If people knew about us, then we would never be able to be together.” He said and his voice sounded somehow sad towards the end, like he was disappointed by such an ending.
But the truth was that he couldn’t do anything to stop Kazuya if this was really what he wanted.
And he didn’t even want to.
“There’s a conference on 27th December.” Kazuya ignored what Jin had said, ignored his frozen tears and his sudden vivid pain. He didn’t even see Jin stiffen at his words, as he didn’t dare to face him. “I asked for it and that’s where I’m going to say all about my feelings for you.” He continued, trying to hold onto his last bits of control, even if his voice was more than shaking. “But I’m not going to mention your name because I know what this would mean for your career and I won’t ruin you even if I once said this.” Kazuya added and tried to get out of his head Jin’s words of them not being able to be together if such as Jin’s name were to be mentioned in public. It had sounded just like Jin was offering him hopes for an uncertain and foggy future of them. And it hurt. “I just wanted you to know.”
Jin looked at Kazuya like he wanted to decipher the real meaning of the boy’s words. While it was true that this would ruin his career in Japan, he wasn’t that sure that it would have any effect on his activities in America and, after all, that was his home and had been for the last years. Jin had never had any intention of coming back to Japan with the intention of staying and even if Ueda would kill him for something like this, he knew that eventually this won’t make a difference for him and his career.
While for Kazuya’s… it was different. He was just at the beginning and such a big move would definitely destroy him and any chance of performing in Japan ever again. He won’t be getting work even behind the scenes and Jin knew how much this would sadden Kazuya.
It just showed how determined he was to win Jin back.
“You don’t have to do this.” Jin finally said something after what seemed like an eternity but actually was just a couple of minutes. He let his head fall and his eyes study his feet as Jin didn’t have the courage to face Kazuya anymore. He was doing it again, he was hurting Kazuya again. “Even if the whole world knows about us, it won’t change a thing and…” he stopped, the words caught in his throat as Jin felt like he had lost the ability to speak. He was lying because he knew how important this was to Kazuya and he knew that for the younger one, it will be like he’d lose his whole world if he lost the world of acting. Even so, he couldn’t bring himself to stop him, not when he was painfully aware that… it might work.
And Jin hated himself for that.
Kazuya chuckled sadly as he decided to turn around and look at Jin this time. “I said it earlier, didn’t I? Even if I fail, I still can’t give up… so I’m seeing this through the end.” He said with a soft voice, somehow, even sadder that Jin still didn’t want to accept him back. “So, this will be like my first and true confession. With candles and champagne, remember?” Kazuya made small steps towards Jin, a gentle expression on his face as he evoked the beautiful and loving moments between him and the older one. “I’m not afraid, Jin.” He stopped in front of his loved one, looking down at him before he carefully grabbed his chin and lifted his head to meet his eyes. “I’m not afraid even of dying… I’m just afraid of losing you.” Kazuya whispered as he caressed with his thumb Jin’s cold cheek. “Even if it seems like I’ve already lost you.” He drew his hand away, now simply looking at the other one.
Suddenly, it started snowing.
Jin closed his eyes when Kazuya pulled his hand back, remaining like that for a few seconds. The night when they had become one for the first time was vividly replaying in his mind and it seemed to be the only happy memory with Kazuya that he could hold on. It was funny, actually, because they had had sex three times but two of them had just been painful. They had been lost in the pleasure and lust only to be faced with the cruel reality after.
Jin longed even for those moments now.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, for the first time apologizing to Kazuya while looking at him. “I’m sorry that - “
He didn’t get to finish his sentence because Kazuya’s hand clasped over his mouth, stopping any words from coming out. “Don’t apologize.” The young actor said on a rasp voice as his eyes bored into Jin’s. “You have nothing to apologize for.” He slowly pulled his hand away, his fingers ghostly touching Jin’s lips before completely losing the contact with them.
“But it’s my fault.” Jin argued, even his voice slightly trembling as he felt once again the fear of losing Kazuya completely controlling him. His head fell once more to his chest as the older one took a deep breath and tried to control his emotions, not wanting to look this weak and pathetic in front of the one he loved but not being able to restrain the pain he was feeling because of Kazuya’s words. “It’s my fault because I didn’t want to give up when you told me to.” He said and it was more than obvious how much it had pained him to know that maybe Kazuya would have had a good life with Ryo if he hadn’t been so stubborn to want him back. “It’s my fault that I came back into you life after three years and had been a fool not to know what had happened to you to make you leave like that. I should have known that it was my fault, I should have realized sooner that…” he blabbered in one breath only to be stopped by Kazuya once more.
“Shut up.” The younger one said with a harsh and edgy voice. He didn’t need Jin to remind him of his mistakes, to bring up such memories that only made things more painful. He didn’t want to hear Jin say that it would have been better if he had lived with the impression that Jin had been a jerk and had only wanted him for sex. “If we’re to talk about who’s at fault, I think we both know who that person is.” Kazuya continued on the same harsh tone, his palms fisting a little. “I’m at fault for leaving back then when I should have asked you explanations or at least listen what you said to Josh till the end. I’m at fault for not listening to Yuuya’s advice to demand the truth from you, after the first year had passed.” The younger one’s voice softened a little as Yuuya’s name popped up involuntarily and it was clear the pain he was still feeling over the loss of his little brother. “I’m at fault for everything, so don’t say that you should have given up on me.” On a whim, Kazuya cupped Jin’s face and brought it up to meet his as he also leaned forward. “I’m a hopeless, useless jerk that hurt you, but you coming back after me made me the happiest man alive. So don’t take this feeling away when I’m already losing you.” He begged, his voice quivering towards the end and his fingers trembling a little on Jin’s face.
The older one looked at Kazuya with teary eyes, on the verge of breaking but still trying to keep his emotions for himself. They had both been stupid and they continued to be ones. While Kazuya couldn’t give Jin up, Jin couldn’t trust him and believe in his words that this will never happen again. But in the end, did it really matter that much? If not being together was making them suffer this much, how much more they could suffer if they were to become lovers a second time, as it was clearly obvious that both of them wanted desperately to?
Jin had no idea.
“Jin, listen.” Kazuya knelt in front of Jin, his hands still on the other one’s face. “We have been difficult from the beginning, but we pulled it through.” He looked into Jin’s teary eyes and he felt his own getting watery, making him wonder just how many tears will they cry until they will find peace. “What I’m doing right now is because I want you to know that I’ve done a mistake - a huge one - and I’ve learnt from it. First time, I have been scared and insecure because I was stupid and it was the first time I was giving myself like this. Right now, I know what living without you means and I certainly don’t want such a thing again.” He closed his eyes and he let his hands drew back gently, as he didn’t want to lose contact with Jin’s skin. There were snowflakes all around them, surrounding and engulfing them in their cold and fluffy embrace. “If I can’t have you now… it doesn’t mean I will give up. You don’t trust me anymore, but I trust you. Maybe I can’t stop you from leaving…” He stopped and even if he didn’t say the words, it was clear that he hoped to stop Jin from leaving his side.
Jin didn’t know what to say. It was the first time he was seeing Kazuya like this and the fact that he seemed to be naked in front of him, laying all of his feelings in front of the older one, was making him feel like he was seeing a totally new Kazuya. The younger one had always been honest with himself and he had never been able to hide his true emotions from Jin but in the three years that they had spent apart, some things had changed and Kazuya had become like a closed book to Jin. But now, just with a few words, it was like all the time that had passed had been erased between them and they were once again the fools that had fallen in love without knowing what consequences this might have.
“We’ve hurt each other too much.” Jin finally said something, but not realizing that he had said with thoughts with a loud voice. He startled and seemed to be a little shy because of what he had said, fidgeting on the spot and avoiding Kazuya’s eyes. A sigh that escaped his lips made him stop. “I love you, Kazuya, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget you.” He continued, looking into the younger one’s eyes and him being the one this time to search for his hand and entwine it with his while his other one gentle cupped the boy’s cheek. “But I have to leave now or this love will hurt both of us and we won’t be able to fix it anymore.” He said with a small voice, painfully aware that this might also mean that their future won’t be together. Because while trying to forget or at least not to hurt anymore… their life will go on.
And new loves might appear.
Again, the rising and crashing hope that Jin always managed to sprout in his heart appeared. But his words were speaking of a future that Kazuya wasn’t able to see since Jin kept saying that they couldn’t be together. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch of Jin’s palm as he grasped tighter the other hand. “Stay.” He said on a hushed voice, a sad and pleading expression appearing on his face. “Stay with me.” Kazuya continued and this time, he opened his eyes to look straight into Jin’s ones. “This time, I’m staying, so, please, don’t leave me.” He added and his voice cracked towards the end as he could only beg for Jin to stay by his side, to try again.
Jin’s answer was quick to come. “I can’t.” he said and leaned closer to place a short kiss on the younger’s forehead before pulling back and standing up. “I told you I have a meeting in America and I have to be there.” He added like this was the only reason he was leaving even if both of them knew perfectly well what was the truth.
Kazuya sighed and looked down before he stood up too, even if he avoided Jin’s eyes. “Then… one last favor.” The young actor said and sneaked a glance to their surroundings. His heart was pounding fast against his ribs and his mind was telling him to shut up, not to ruin everything. But he needed this, because no one could tell him when the next time he and Jin will meet again. “Kiss me.” He whispered the words, but it was loud enough for the other one to hear, even if he was still not looking at Jin. The snowflakes were dancing around them, the cold bit harshly into their skin, but who cared? Kazuya just wanted Jin to kiss him like the first time, like the last time, like tomorrow will never come.
Jin blinked, but before his mind had time to register anything, he already found himself leaning towards Kazuya, catching his wrist and pulling the boy into his arms. “You always make me do crazy things.” He said with a half laugh before crushing their lips together, kissing him passionately but gently in the same time, rushing it but keeping it slow and tender. It was a mix of what he was feeling, a mix of the part of him that knew they had no future together and that they were better off without each other and the other part that just longed for Kazuya and would have done anything to just be with him. And Jin had to admit that he had really missed this. God, how long had passed since they had last kissed like this, since they had let themselves free and to show the other one what was running through their minds? It felt like an eternity and Jin felt like he had been punished by being away from Kazuya.
Still, this sin was far too sweet to let it go and Jin had no intention of doing it.
They parted maybe too fast, maybe too slow, their lips still lingering on the other one and staying close, both of them obviously not wanting to move from their embrace. But the snow was falling harder on them and the cold was starting to keep them from moving too much. They had to separate.
Kazuya smiled softly before he pressed gently his lips against Jin’s once more. “My Christmas present.” He whispered and drew back, a sad, but happy smile dancing on his lips. He was already missing Jin’s warmth, making him feel colder than he was already. “Merry Christmas, Jin.” Kazuya wished and with this, he turned and walked away from his love, thinking that it was their first Christmas together and it was no near as special as it should have been. He brought one hand to his burning lips and the younger one stifled a sob, ignoring the pain in his heart. He should at least be happy that Jin still loved him.
As long they loved each other, Kazuya wasn’t going to lose his hope.
Jin could only look at Kazuya’s retreating form, thinking the same thing as the younger one. This wasn’t what he had expected from his first Christmas spent with Kazuya, but the truth was that he had never expected the day to come when he’ll even see the boy on Christmas day. When they had first met, it was summer and the thought of the winter holidays was far away from him. And now… he had been too preoccupied with having Kazuya back to even think that it was that time of the year yet again.
A small and sad smile spread on his lips as Kazuya disappeared around the corner. At least now, Jin knew what he had to do.
*
PART II