Secret Whispers - Chapter sixteen [part I]
Title: Secret Whispers
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story - Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P.
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eight song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun burns down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious one
Fifteenth song ~ Never again
Chapter sixteen
Sixteenth song ~ Blue Tuesday
You said if we said goodbye, you wouldn’t see me again and you wouldn’t call.
You weren’t lying, were you?
We try and we try even if everything seems hopeless. We never give up because we’re humans and we don’t know how this word works - we never want to find out. Even if everyone is against us, even if our own life becomes miserable because of what we’re trying to obtain and even if everything seems to be against us… we never give up.
It’s a mistake.
It took much too long for them to reach the supermarket, Kazuya fuming and Jin totally happy. Of course the idiot couldn’t have remained in the car and waited for Kazuya to return, he had to tag along and even if he had threatened him, Jin hadn’t listened. The younger had no choice but to accept for the moment, planning to escape on him as soon as they’ll get in the supermarket. But he had underestimated Jin! The actor was clinging onto him like a leech and would nag him on each product he put in the cart.
Soon, Kazuya’s nerves were stretched to the maximum and on an effort not to snap publicly, he asked the actor to open his mouth and as soon as the other complied - looking rather happy and stupid doing such a thing - Kazuya stuck inside his mouth an orange before he went further to buy what he needed for the dinner. Of course, Jin had whined about this for at least ten minutes and not until Kazuya glared at him and asked him to shut up or he won’t cook, he didn’t stop. Really, the man was more than a spoilt brat and Kazuya didn’t remember him to be like this before. Now he was close to facing a headache because of him.
But Jin didn’t stop and soon he brought a cart of his own, filling it with all the stupidities he could find and Kazuya almost shouted at him for being so careless and such a spender! They argued half an hour on which products they should keep. At the end of their shopping, Kazuya wished he had never agreed with this stupid thing as a date with shopping done together with Jin. It was a nightmare really.
They arrived back to Jin’s apartment at ten o’clock in the evening, Kazuya feeling exhausted while the actor was humming happily. They brought all of their shopping in the kitchen and leisurely, Kazuya started to sort everything out and put what was needed in the fridge. He didn’t realize just how familiar and natural his actions seemed. After he finally sorted everything out, he began to prepare the dinner but as expected, Jin had to butt in here too and began to nag Kazuya if he should cut the onions first or the cucumbers. The younger sighed and said the cucumbers, but they had to be perfectly sliced on horizontal.
Only twenty seconds later, Jin was cursing and crying because he had cut his finger, but as Kazuya turned to look at it, he saw that it was just a small prick and that the cucumbers weren’t sliced on horizontal, but practically chopped. He calmly asked Jin to stay anywhere but near him, yet again the older wanted to help until he managed to spill the sauce composition Kazuya had done up till then. Without a warning, Kazuya pinched him and forced him to stay on a chair near the window and far away from him and his cooking.
Really, he never changed! He always did this when Kazuya was in the kitchen, only to be kicked or pinched, then sent to a corner from where he’d watch him cooking. Jin was the same in this aspect, always wanting to help but ending up creating more damage than necessary. Back then it had made Kazuya laugh and curse through mumbling and chuckling, but now it only made his heart ache. Because back then they were a couple and now they were nothing, though in such moments, they still acted like a couple. But Kazuya will never admit this and he won’t forget what had Jin done, whose fault was for being how they were now. Jin had no right to come and torment him like he was doing right now. Dates and dinner together… it was vexing!
It took an hour until everything was finished and dinner was served. Even with Jin creating him a headache at the beginning, Kazuya was pleased at the end as he looked at his cooking spreading an inviting scent and looking all ready to be eaten.
“Your food is still as amazing as I remembered it to be.” Jin said after stealing a piece of food and munching happily on it with a satisfied expression and a bottle of wine in hand.
Kazuya slapped Jin on the hand even if the food had already disappeared in the other’s mouth. “Actually it improved a lot.” He stated as a matter-of-factly and he went to wash his hands off. “But I see your manners haven’t.” He then added with a malicious voice as his hand stretched for a towel, but didn’t find it where it usually was. “Hey! Where did you move the towels?” He turned to look at the empty place where he had usually put all the towels. The true meaning of his words and reality hit him in the gut. “Never mind.” Kazuya mumbled as he spotted them in a different place. So Jin had little changes after all, he thought bitterly.
“I think Tat-chan moved them there.” Jin said without realizing, taking a seat at the table and looking with hunger at the delicious food. “He said that towels shouldn’t be near the sink because they get wet all the time.” He remembered, refraining to add that Ueda had also said that this happened only to Bakanishis like him and not to normal people.
Tat-chan, huh? It had been a long time since he had heard this name and it really didn’t bring too happy memories related to it. “It doesn’t matter.” Kazuya waved a hand in dismissal as he didn’t want to know anything more of this. “Anyway… let’s eat?” He then asked with a slight shrug as he looked at the fresh meal, suddenly his appetite lost.
“I also put a TV in the bedroom.” Jin announced with a light tone, like he was just trying to make a conversation but was actually wanting to share his life from these three years without the younger. He didn’t mention that he had bought it because he was feeling he was going to go mad if he were to spend another night alone in that room. He had put the TV there to have a distraction, but the truth was that he had started to sleep there again since he had found Kazuya. “And Tat-chan said that I should buy a new couch for the living room, but I really like the one I have.” He said with a sad tone as he took some more of the food.
Kazuya chewed his food more than necessarily until he realized that he wasn’t chewing anything. “Why don’t you sell the apartment if you make so many changes to it?” He asked with half annoyed, half bored tone. He started played with his fork and was looking quite absent minded.
“It’s just a couch and a TV.” Jin chuckled a little, though a glance at Kazuya left him confused as he didn’t understand what did he do wrong this time. Everything had seemed to be fine - or as fine as it could be between them - awhile ago. “Besides, I have this apartment since I can remember. This is where I started my career.” He stated proudly, looking at the room like he was able to see himself from ten years ago. “This is where Tat-chan proposed to me to come with him to America.” He added and bounced a little on his chair at this particular memory as it had been the one to change his whole life.
Kazuya’s mind blocked at the word proposed, it sounded in his head like an explosion or something like that. “P-proposed?” he asked with an incredulous tone, obviously not having heard the last part of Jin’s sentence. “Does he like you?” The question came out without him being able to stop it. He looked embarrassed as he realized and forcefully brought some food to his mouth, looking down in his plate. “This came really good.” He flattered himself as he swallowed, hoping that Jin would have the delicacy and won’t say anything more.
But of course, Jin wouldn’t be Jin if he didn’t answer to that really interesting question. “He never told me anything of the sort.” He shrugged a little, like it didn’t really matter to him and he was just talking about the weather. “Though I wouldn’t be surprised if he had liked me at some point. He is gay after all.” He added and took a huge bite of the food.
Kazuya dropped his fork; he was glad he hadn’t been eating otherwise he would be choking now. He looked at Jin with huge eyes and couldn’t believe his ears. “God…” The younger muttered and didn’t know what else to say. “That’s why…” He mumbled to himself, remembering the day he had first met Tatsuya and how he had been overly familiar with his ass. “And he slept in your bed!” Kazuya then exclaimed as if this was the most important thing now.
“Yeah, and not just one time.” Jin replied a little unsure, not knowing why was Kazuya bringing this matter up again and wondering why was he exaggerating so much when it came to Ueda. Then he seemed to remember something from that day. Oh, wait. Was Kazuya jealous even now?
Jin smirked inwardly. “You know I don’t like being alone so when we were in America, I often forced him to sleep with me.” He said with a small smile, masking it as a contentment from memories and not the satisfaction of seeing Kazuya’s expression in that moment. “He would always bicker but in the morning, he’d always be cuddled into me.” Jin chuckled a little.
Kazuya’s face paled, but his eyes sparkled furiously. He began attacking the food, not even eating it. “How lovely. You two would make a perfect couple.” He smiled, but you could see it wasn’t a genuine one at all. “I bet he suffers now that you’re here without him.” He sighed dramatically.
“Oh, but he’s here too!” Jin chirped happily, continuing to munch on his food like he hadn’t noticed the sudden change of Kazuya’s behavior but dancing in his head at the mention of them being a couple. “I haven’t seen him that much since we came to Japan though, he says that he had some business to do…” he explained with a desolated tone, being really sad and happy that Ueda wasn’t there with him. After all, he had become one of Jin’s closest friends too and he was one of the few people he could really rely on.
Kazuya pushed his almost full plate aside. He didn’t want to eat anymore and if he even tried, he would get sick instantly. “I’m finished.” He said and stood up, needing to get out from the room. “I’m going to the bathroom.” The younger added and without giving Jin the opportunity to ask anything, he dashed out and hurried to get to the bathroom where he closed himself in. He went to the sink and saw with horror that his face was pale. Was he really that bothered of Jin and Tatsuya being this close? And why did the idiot have to say that they had shared on many occasions a bed and that Jin had even cuddled with him?! Was Jin out of his mind? How could he do all that with his gay manager? What if…
Kazuya shook his head and turned on the tap for cold water, putting his hands under it and splashing some on his face. To his surprise once more, he saw that his hands were slightly trembling. What was the meaning of this? Why did it hurt so much to think that Jin was with another man other than him? The thought had him widen his eyes and the dreadful feeling that he had long suppressed resurfaced clearer than ever.
He still wasn’t over Jin.
“Are you okay?” the older asked from the other side of the door as he knocked on it. He had waited for Kazuya to come back to the table but it had seemed that this wasn’t going to happen too soon. He feared for a moment that he had gone too far with his teasing and that Kazuya had left without a word - it wouldn’t be the first time this happened after all. But he noticed that the boy was still in the bathroom and this had Jin more worried than he would have been if Kazuya had left.
The knock and Jin’s voice scared Kazuya for the moment. He looked at the door separating them and for the first time, he wished he had never found out what he did on that morning. He wished for the three years gone to be filled with memories of him and Jin… Kazuya shook his head and took a deep breath. No matter his wishes, time had passed and there was nothing bringing it back. Not even his own feelings.
“I’m fine.” Kazuya replied as he opened the door and looked at Jin’s worried face. His chest tightened and he couldn’t move or do anything except gaze at Jin. If the actor knew what was going inside his head and heart, he’d be more than happy. But Kazuya wasn’t feeling this way at all. Because this only meant his despair and fear. “So… what are we going to do next?” He asked and his voice shook a little. He won’t change now just because he realized that he was still in love with Jin.
“Are you really okay?” the older insisted, not really liking the expression that Kazuya was having at the moment. He lifted his arm and gently brushed a few strands of hair which were glued to the younger’s face because of the water from when he had washed his face and tucked them under his ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as his eyes studied him intensively and trying to find out what was wrong. Did Kazuya cry?
The younger actor stiffened at Jin’s touch. Why wasn’t he saying anything to him? Why couldn’t he get angry so easily like he had done before? And why the hell he enjoyed this slight touch? Up until now he had despised anything that Jin did to him, he didn’t want him close, he didn’t even want to see him… But Jin had been right. He had been living a lie, he had been lying to himself. Because he hadn’t refused Jin because he hated him, he had refused him because he loved him. And he wouldn’t allow himself such feelings again.
“I’m fine, really.” Kazuya pushed Jin’s hand away, not angrily, but gently. His cheek was prickling with the lingering touch.
“If you say so.” Jin replied, still not totally convinced but deciding to drop the issue for now. After all, it had always been like this with Kazuya. If he didn’t want to talk, he won’t do it until he felt that it was right and that he could trust the other person. And Jin knew that he wasn’t exactly one of Kazuya’s favorites for now. “Let’s go back and finish eating, you haven’t touched your food.” He then suggested with a kind smile, keeping a small distance between him and the boy, as if he wanted to reassure him that he won’t try anything.
“I’m not hungry anymore.” Kazuya replied immediately and took a step forward unconsciously, as if he didn’t want him to go farther away. “You can eat all if you want.” He smiled as his tone carried a light joking nuance. In the split of a moment, Kazuya decided to make this night quite enjoyable. Later, he’ll forget everything and revert to his old self, the one suppressing all of his feelings towards Jin. After all, he still had Ryo and he won’t leave him.
“I might just do that.” Jin answered with a smile, feeling a lot more relieved now that Kazuya seemed to be okay and tucking on the younger’s hand on an impulse and dragging him back to the kitchen. “Just don’t be sorry after if you’re hungry.” He added with a chuckle and a playful voice, hoping that the sudden change of Kazuya’s meant that he was allowed to act like this.
He had missed this, really. And he had suppressed this feeling for far too long, Kazuya thought as he let himself be led by Jin, not being aware of his own smile. Why did they have to end? If Jin only hadn’t… no, it wasn’t time for this. “Okay, but if I’m hungry, I’m making you cook for me.” Kazuya threatened and with regret he slipped past Jin and went inside the kitchen, taking his seat back. “Now let me see you eat everything.” He grinned as Jin entered and sat down too. Just for now… just for now he was allowed to think that three years hadn’t passed.
Something was weird and in the same time oddly familiar, Jin thought as he started yet again to eat the food made by Kazuya. Something had indeed changed at the younger and this had happened in a matter of seconds. He felt somehow afraid by this because it meant that everything could change back and the comfortable silence that they were sharing for now could be easily destroyed and Jin would have no idea why. He tried to think at something to talk about, but every subject he could think of would lead to their relationship and he didn’t want to approach that subject yet. So he decided to take the safe route and to ask something ordinary. “So how’s work?”
Kazuya shrugged. “Normal. For now, everything’s going smoothly and the story is unfolding nicely.” He answered as he leaned back on his chair. “Though I have to admit that I was surprised when I heard this was going to be a romantic movie.” The younger laughed, thinking how shocked he had been when Ryo told him and then sent him to the auditions. “I never expected -” Kazuya stopped, not wanting to talk about Ryo right now. Because every thought related to his current lover was making him feel guilty and unworthy. And this was nothing more than the actual truth. “But it’s a good movie.” He said instead and smiled.
“I’m glad that you’re having fun while filming.” Jin confessed with a gentle smile dancing on his lips. “To be honest, if someone had told me you became an actor, I wouldn’t have believed him.” He continued and laughed shortly, shaking his head a little like he was still dismissing this idea. “I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it.” He said with a slightly amused tone and a little guilty expression.
The younger chuckled and understood what Jin was trying to say. He had come to the studio back then to see him acting. And well, he had offered quite a bad performance. “Actually, I never thought I could become one too. But I held the place of an actor during one scene and… I got told I should take some acting courses.” He shrugged, intentionally avoiding saying Ryo’s name as he had been the one pushing Kazuya on this road. “Then I went to the audition for this movie and I ended up the main actor.” He laughed a bit embarrassed. “Though… I’m still not sure what I’m doing on a stage when all I liked was to be behind it.” Kazuya said with a peculiar expression - he was looking confused, but in the same time proud.
“Well, I think it suits you.” Jin shrugged, a light smile on his lips. “And I also think that you should continue being an actor as I’m sure you’ll receive more offers after this.” He winked and stretched a little on the chair, having finished the remains of their dinner and feeling more satisfied than he had been in these three years. After all, a dinner cooked by Kazuya and a nice conversation with him was the perfect way for Jin to spend a perfect night.
“Thanks.” Kazuya smiled, looking pleased and like maybe he had wanted to hear this from Jin. “Finished?” He then asked as he rose and started cleaning the table. “You know you have to do the dishes, right?” The younger added and looked maliciously at him. After all, he never liked leaving the dirty plates in the sink where he was sure Jin will let them lay for weeks. And he was sure Jin knew this as well.
“You really like to work me.” The older pouted, reminding Kazuya that he would always do the dishes after the younger cooked for them even if this was maybe the thing Jin despised the most in this world. Nevertheless, he got up, took the plates from the table and went to the sink, all the time muttering under his breath that it wasn’t fair and why was he forced to do something like this. Nothing that hadn’t happened before.
And Kazuya stood behind him, smiling to himself as he also remembered those times well. After all, the pang of hurt from his chest wouldn’t let him do otherwise, especially when he used to make those mumblings disappear by hugging the actor from behind and whispering in his ear things that Kazuya knew very well Jin liked to hear. But now he wasn’t able to do this anymore and even if he found himself slowly advancing towards Jin, he knew he won’t do such a thing. “You’re the one who wanted a date with me.” Kazuya said as he stood behind Jin, looking above his shoulder at what he was doing. “So do your best.” He added with a low chuckle before he turned away, feeling that if he stayed any longer, his arms would get a mind of their own and wrap themselves around Jin’s waist. He couldn’t afford losing his control now.
“Let me tell you that…” Jin started to say but was rudely interrupted by the ringing of a phone. He cursed out loudly, throwing knives in his mind at whoever was calling right in that moment before he realized that it was his own phone ringing. “Can you help me?” he asked Kazuya, looking helplessly at him and showing the boy his wet hands.
The younger looked perplexed for a few seconds, but the endless ringing of the phone brought him to reality. He went to Jin’s side and looked at him with an undecipherable expression on his face before he let his hand slip inside the singer’s front pocket to retrieve the phone. The bad part was that the pocket was a bit deeper than expected - Jin had always loved baggy pants - and Kazuya soon found out that he had to get closer to Jin and to dive deeper his hand to reach the phone. His fingers were groping the material to lift the pocket a bit and so the phone came quickly to his hand. He pulled it out victoriously and as he looked at Jin, his face was a bit redder than usual. He answered the call and quickly put the telephone to Jin’s ear. Of course, he hadn’t missed seeing the caller’s name - Tat-chan.
“Yep.” Jin answered with a growl, but his voice immediately changed to a happy one when he realized with whom he was talking. “Tat-chan!” he exclaimed and Kazuya could swear that Jin did a little dance on the spot. “What…” he seemed to want to ask something, but was stopped by the other one. “What?!” he repeated the word with a loud squeal, his eyes widening and his hands shaking a little. “You’re joking.” He stated with an unsure voice even if a smile was already starting to form on his lips. As expected at the incredulous answer, Jin needed to back a little from the phone and even Kazuya could now hear Ueda screaming through the phone and calling Jin names.
The older just rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I love you too.” He said when the screaming subdued a little, enough for him to be heard by the other. There was a small reply and then the call ended as suddenly as it had started. Jin’s face was colored with a bright smile and shining eyes as he looked at Kazuya, his heart beating faster than ever. “I’m going to release a single!!” he suddenly yelled, throwing his fists in the air and after that proceeding to hug the younger and to spin around the room with him, completely forgetting about his wet hands and anything else, concentrating only on his happiness and singing loudly that he was going to release a single.
Although shocked by the sudden outburst, Kazuya flung his arms around Jin’s neck, to avoid falling off, obviously. He couldn’t help but to smile at this genuine happiness of Jin as he was swirled by him, his face hidden in the crook of his neck, deeply inhaling his scent. His heart was beating faster too, but not because of Jin’s new single, that was for sure. God, it was excruciating. In just one night, he had realized so many things, which he didn’t know how to deal normally with. But just for tonight, Kazuya thought.
“I’m going to release a single, Kazuya!” Jin repeated as he stopped and looked into the younger’s eyes, his hands on the boy’s shoulders and still keeping him closer without noticing or really intending. “In Japan!” he added, as if it hadn’t been clear until then. “Do you realize what does this mean?” he continued with an excited voice, his sparkling eyes betraying the fact that he was obviously already drifting off into a world of his own, where he was on stage and singing to the Japanese public and receiving applauses and…
Yes, he realized what this meant, Kazuya thought, also lost in his own world of swirling emotions. It meant that he was so close to Jin right now but as far away as a fan was. “Congratulations!” Kazuya smiled genuinely, sounding really proud of Jin. “We’ll be hearing your voice singing in Japanese once more.” He added with a wider grin as he looked at the renowned singer. Kazuya dismissed the thought that he would have liked for Jin to swirl him some more and that he felt lonely all of a sudden.
“You’re right, it will be my first single in Japan.” Jin realized, even if this wasn’t exactly what Kazuya had said. “I don’t have songs in Japanese, I need to compose something.” He continued, detaching himself from the younger and starting to pace through the room, worry written on his features. “I need a song and I only have a few days. Tat-chan had said that things will be a little rushed so I have to hurry and…”
Kazuya looked at him walk aimlessly and chuckled softly, this time ignoring all of what he wanted to really do in that moment to Jin. “Jin, you need to calm down first.” He said as he went to the sink, finishing the actor’s work. After all, he had to do something with his itching hands. “You’ll be just fine, I’m sure. And now you have what to think of.” Kazuya continued, looking from time to time at Jin. “And I’m also sure you have some songs already written.” He said jokingly, though Jin used to write a lot when they were together even if the songs were never released.
Jin suddenly stopped, his back at Kazuya though his eyes were fixed on the mirror with the younger’s reflection. “All the Japanese songs I’ve written were for you and I don’t want to release them.” He confessed, not really knowing if it was wise to bring this matter exactly now when things seemed to be better between them.
Kazuya froze instantly and he was glad he wasn’t holding any plate because he would have definitely dropped it. Then he recovered and busied himself even more, trying to say something, but not having really anything except - “Why not?”
“Because I put my heart in those songs.” Jin turned to face Kazuya, thinking that it had to be a good sign that they were still talking and that Kazuya had even asked him something. “Because you are in those songs, our love and our feelings. I don’t want to share them with the whole world, they are too precious.” He continued and his lips curled up into a longing smile.
Kazuya bit his lower lip as he nodded once, then turned the water off. “Okay.” He said to Jin, not knowing what other words would be good enough to be said. Actually, he felt really happy when he heard Jin say all this, but it hurt in the same time. Because right now, Kazuya was dealing with his own feelings and Jin was adding his too. It was too much for just one night. And he didn’t trust himself anymore.
“Okay?” Jin repeated with an uncertain tone, wondering if he had ruined the night with this as he started to slowly approach Kazuya.
“Stay there.” The younger said, his back turned on Jin as he didn’t want to face him. “And yes, it’s okay. After all, they’re your songs, you are free to do whatever you want with them.” He continued with a composed voice, knowing that he must sound like a jerk, but well… it wasn’t like he hadn’t been one lately, was it?
Alright, now Jin was sure that he had done something wrong yet again. He didn’t respond and backed away, going to his chair and sitting down, his elbows propped on the table and his head held by his hands. “You’re still as not cute as ever.” He decided to complain, pouting and pursing his lips in defeat and tiredness. He was kind of sick of being careful with his words, taking care to not make Kazuya change his mind again. It had been a stupid thing to do from the beginning because this wasn’t the person that the younger had fallen in love with. Jin just had to be himself to remind him of their time spent together.
“Then sorry for not being cute.” Kazuya said and there was a tinge of annoyance in his voice. He grabbed a towel before he turned to Jin, but didn’t look at him. “I’m sure Ueda-san is a cuter person than me.” He added as he walked to the fridge from where he retrieved two shortcakes. He went to Jin and put the plate with a loud sound in front of him. “Eat it.” Kazuya ordered on an angry tone.
“Don’t wanna.” Jin refused, now crossing his arms in front of his chest and still sulking. The cake looked delicious, but something from Kazuya’s tone made the actor aching to defy him, just to see his reaction at Jin’s disobedience.
Kazuya arched an eyebrow as his foot started tapping. “You sure?” He asked on a threatening tone and pursed his lips at Jin’s nod. “Perfect.” The younger said and out of the blue, grabbed Jin on the nose and with his other hand, took some from the shortcake and stuffed it inside of Jin’s mouth. “That’s better.” Kazuya replied proudly as he smeared some of the whipped cream on Jin’s lips and chin. Oh, and he didn’t use the fork.
Jin almost choked, too surprised by Kazuya’s action to have time to react or even register what had happened. He narrowed his eyes as he pushed the younger’s hand away with an annoyed expression, sitting up and taking some cream on his fingers, smiling devilishly the whole time. The movement had been too quick and before Kazuya had time to do anything, he found himself with two of Jin’s full with cream fingers stuck in his mouth.
Kazuya’s eyes widened and looked at Jin with a frozen expression. Then, without any visible change in his behavior - except if you looked at the now darker color of his eyes - he grabbed Jin’s wrist and held it steady as he slowly and teasingly licked and sucked off the cream from Jin’s fingers. His tongue and lips were gentle and when shy, when daring as they cleaned wet the fingers and when he finished, with a lingering kiss, Kazuya drew back and let go of Jin’s hand. “Sweet.” He said with a calm voice, though his heart was beating faster than ever. He just hoped that his actions won’t have graver repercussions.
Jin blinked. Once, then twice. Maybe the third time he’ll have more luck. No, it was useless, the image in front of his eyes still didn’t change and especially the images from his mind that his sweet little innocent eyes had witnessed didn’t disappear. Did Kazuya really do that? No, it couldn’t be, Jin thought. Kazuya had always been bold and rather unpredictable, but this was too much even for him. He would have never had the courage to do something like this - even if he would often get maybe a little excited when they were making out and would surprise Jin every time with something else. No, it just… he couldn’t believe it.
So he did the thing that most normal people would do. He dipped his fingers again in the cream and pushed them for the second time into Kazuya’s mouth, his eyes still widened and his mouth gaped, looking rather stupidly as he watched the younger to see if that had really happened or he had been daydreaming again.
Kazuya looked back at Jin, trying to understand what this meant and why Jin was doing this. So, shy and unsure, he took more of his fingers, sucking in the whipped cream with a slight slurp, his tongue sliding between the fingers and drawing back teasingly. Then he stopped abruptly, pushed Jin’s fingers away and took a few steps back, to get some distance between him and Jin. He was looking at the actor with burning hunger in his eyes, but there was also a bit of control that was shown in his tensed body. “Thanks for dessert.” He croaked, trying to lighten the atmosphere by being a bit funny. Too bad it kind of failed.
Too bad for him that Jin felt like dancing. It had been real and only now he realized that his heart was beating madly, that his hands were sweating and that his body was slightly shaking. He looked at Kazuya and studied his features for a second, realizing that the younger wasn’t that different from him and that maybe he was feeling as dumbfounded and nervous as Jin was. He had no idea when he had started smiling or when he had started moving, everything seemed like a dream and looked like it lasted an eternity, though it lasted only the few seconds that Jin needed to build his courage. The only thing that Jin realized was that he had made a move and that his lips were now pressed against Kazuya’s, his hands holding the boy by his waist and their bodies closer than they had been the whole day.
He stiffened and cursed himself for the impulse. Then he just closed his eyes and continued to kiss Kazuya.
The younger couldn’t believe what was happening right now. Why was Jin kissing him? Why was he letting him? Because all of his walls were melting in Jin’s arms, all of his defenses were crumbling on him and he couldn’t help but give in. And his body was responding to Jin’s, was accepting what was happening, was trembling from the so wished contact. But it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.
“No… stop…” Kazuya mumbled in the kiss, hating the way he was clinging on Jin, the way he wanted more. It really shouldn’t happen between them.
“Shh…” Jin silenced him, his lips still pressed against Kazuya’s as his hands slowly started to roam over his back. One of it settled on the boy’s back, gently caressing him but with enough force to hold him back if the boy would try to escape, the other one going further up and playing with Kazuya’s hair, Jin letting his fingers dance through the soft brown locks and tilting his head a little to deepen the kiss, wanting to feel more and to have more. His lips never stopped touching, nibbling on Kazuya’s lips and tasting them as if it was the first time he was doing this. He gently sucked on the lower one and then went to the upper one, slowly parting them and slipping the top of his tongue inside Kazuya’s mouth, meeting the younger’s tongue into a playful brush and then sucking more on his lips.
Kazuya moaned involuntarily, gluing his body to Jin’s, wanting to feel more and to never let go. He was unsure in kissing Jin back, his tongue was gentle and shy, but curious to know once more the mouth of the one he loved. Kazuya clung onto Jin, deepened their kiss, taking more and more from him. He was feeling hungry, thirsty and it could be seen in the way his hands were holding onto Jin’s shirt, how his body was shivering and asking for more. And for one moment, he was ravishing the singer’s mouth, their lips tightly locked and their tongues in a wild dance. And in the next moment, Kazuya pulled himself away from Jin’s embrace, panting heavily as he looked at the other one.
“Stay away.” He said on a hushed voice, not hiding the desire and the shuddering in his body. “I don’t know what’s happening with me right now… so better stay away.” Kazuya added and backed away a few more steps.
“You don’t know?” Jin cocked a slightly mocking eyebrow, his breath a little unsteady as he took one step forward. “You’re kissing me because you want to. You’re hugging because this is what you want to do.” He pointed out with a calm voice. While he may have forced Kazuya to stay with him this night, it didn’t mean that he had also forced him into that kiss. Kazuya had responded out of his own will and Jin was decided to make him see the truth. “You know very well what’s happening with you because this is what you wanted all the time.” He continued and even if his voice sounded overly confident, it still couldn’t hide the shadow of gentleness that it carried.
Kazuya shook his head in denial, but his words contradicted the action. “I know I want you.” He replied hoarsely, his chest rising with his breath. “But we both know that it’s not that easy between us. It never was.” He continued and his voice sounded a bit regretful and hopeful in the same time. “I want you… but I can’t.” He looked deflated as he said this. It was clearly that something had changed inside of Kazuya and it was showing.
“Why not?” Jin asked with a pleading and whining voice. “You want to be with me and I want to be with you, so where’s the problem?!” he wanted to know as he stopped in front of the younger, feeling rather frustrated with himself for not being able to understand why was Kazuya so keen on rejecting him when he had no problem on saying how much he wanted the older.
“I want you, not to be with you.” Kazuya replied, though he was sort of lying. “And there is more than one problem between us.” He added, not wanting to back away from Jin, though he couldn’t help to do so. “And if we’re still going to discuss this… then I’d better go home.” The younger added, letting his head fall down, not looking at Jin anymore.
Problems that only you know because you’re too much of an idiot to share them with me, Jin would have wanted to say, but refrained himself and just let out a frustrated groan, backing away from Kazuya. “Fine, if that’s the way you want.” He said, deciding to drop the subject for the time being, seeing as it was clear that he won’t be getting anything from the younger this night either.
He wasn’t even in the mood to celebrate his first Japanese single.
“You have work tomorrow, right? Then let’s go to bed.” Jin continued and turned his back on Kazuya, wanting to leave that room as soon as possible. If he were to stay there another second, things won’t end well because he was sure he won’t be able to remain as calm as he was.
Kazuya felt hurt that Jin was reacting this way and he knew it was his fault, but he couldn’t do anything. It was the best this way and even if it hurt both of them, Kazuya had to keep going this way. He followed Jin silently, wondering why was the actor still insisting to keep this charade when it was clear that they were only going to end up in a more tensed and awkward situation. As they got into the bedroom, Kazuya steeled himself against the memories once more assaulting him, trying to block everything from their common past.
“Jin…” The younger said with a small voice. “Don’t you want to celebrate your Japanese single?” He dared to ask, knowing very well that it wasn’t exactly the best moment.
“Not really.” Jin replied with a slightly cold voice as he proceeded to search for some clothes for Kazuya, not feeling in the mood to celebrate and act like everything was fine when he was feeling so frustrated because he couldn’t do anything to make Kazuya change his mind. Everything that he had done had been worthless. Nothing had managed to convince the younger to come back or at least tell Jin what was that damned problem!!
No, thank you very much, he didn’t want to celebrate.
Kazuya looked with a sad expression at Jin and without knowing why, he chose to say some words that he didn’t even want to believe. “Of course, you’d want to celebrate with Ueda-san and your friends.” He commented as he dragged his feet towards the bed, feeling suddenly weary and dreadful of climbing in that precise bed with that stupid Jin. He stopped and looked at it, seeing through the past’s eyes everything he and Jin had shared on that bed.
“Well, at least they answer the questions I ask them.” The words rolled out of Jin’s mouth before he could stop himself. He froze for a second but recovered rather quickly and pulled out from his closet some shorts and a T-shirt, turning to look at Kazuya.
The younger met his eyes and smiled sadly. “Then I’m happy for you.” He said, though one would have expected a slight outburst from the younger, but right now… Kazuya wasn’t feeling up to anything except to hide in a place where no one could ever find him. “Jin... can I get the couch?” He asked and he looked desperate for a second. “Please.” He really didn’t want to sit in the bed that was making him remember so many things, he didn’t want to inhale Jin’s scent, he didn’t want to be surrounded by all he loved and couldn’t have anymore.
Jin looked at Kazuya for what seemed to be an eternity, eyeing him from head to toes and seeming to be trying to make a decision. He didn’t know why, but it was clear how painful it was for the younger one to be there and that the thought of sleeping in the same bed with Jin was torturing him. He was aware of all that, but he was more aware of his own pain in that moment and of the three years he had spent away from Kazuya because the younger one was too stupid to believe in him. Kazuya was hurting, but then again, he had also been hurting since the moment he had been dumped without any explanation and even more since the boy had returned.
Their eyes met and Jin took a deep breath. “No.” he said while handing Kazuya the clothes he had picked, feeling a little bitchy in that moment and feeling the need to be a little mean with the boy after all he had put Jin through.
Kazuya stretched his hand to take Jin’s clothes, though his arm was trembling a little. This night was going to be a real challenge for him - engulfed by Jin’s scent and memories, he was sure he won’t be able to sleep at all. “I’ll go to the bathroom then.” He said with a gulp and headed slowly for the bathroom, as if he was trying to prolong the moment when he’ll have to sleep.
Jin didn’t say anything more, just turned his back on Kazuya and proceeded to undress as he heard the door to the bathroom closing. Only then he stopped to release his breath. What was he doing? He was just forcing Kazuya to do something he clearly didn’t want and this wasn’t going to do them any good, it won’t make Kazuya say what happened and it definitely won’t make him more willing to accept Jin back. Maybe he should try that old trick with the bathroom stall, it had seemed to be pretty affective the first time. Or it would just end up like it did with the flowers.
Jin sighed. He had no idea what he should do anymore, but he didn’t want to give up. He was sure there had to be a reason for which Kazuya had left and as soon as he’ll discover it, he’ll have the chance to explain and everything would be fine. But it was already obvious that the younger had no intention of telling him. The only other person who knew was Ryo, but somehow Jin really doubted that he would find out something from his maybe ex-friend. The really sad part in all of this was that neither one of them had wished for things to get here.
Fata and its stupid games.
Jin groaned and decided to just sleep, throwing his clothes on the floor like he was used to and flopping in bed wearing only his boxers, going under the covers and sighing again in the pillow. It was a really frustrated situation he was in and Jin couldn’t help but to get annoyed at everyone and especially at Kazuya for being so stupid and believing something that someone had told him. He should have had more trust in Jin, he should have come to him and ask if it was true what he had been told. The last thing he should have done just to run off like that.
But Kazuya had been a fool and now he was an even bigger idiot for hiding the truth from Jin, the older thought as he kept his eyes on the bathroom’s door and wondered what was Kazuya thinking in that moment. But, then again, it was exactly this stubbornness of the boy that had made Jin fall for him and the boy’s desire to face Jin no matter what had made Jin want to chase him, so he wasn’t that surprised that Kazuya wasn’t giving in.
He heard a noise and hurried to close his eyes as the door to the bathroom opened and Kazuya stepped in the room. He really didn’t want to force him to do something against his will, Jin thought, so he would give in once more. He would pretend to be asleep and let the younger choose.
After all, the ball had always been in his hands.
Kazuya entered the room, Jin’s clothes being as large as ever - even if he had taken in weight. He stole a glance at Jin and saw that the other was fast asleep, but the younger knew better. There have been many times when Jin had tried to fool him by pretending he was already sleeping or when he would get upset on him, he’d force himself to sleep. And right now, the younger knew it was the latter the reason why Jin was once again pretending to sleep. He went to the other side of the bed and for a moment, he considered taking a pillow and going to sleep on the couch. But on a second thought, this will only make Jin more upset and would probably force him to take the bed.
With an inaudible sigh, he put one leg on the bed, reluctantly wanting to get under the covers. But he did in the end and he kind of shivered at the cold feeling and instinctively drew closer to Jin. He lied down like that, looking at the ceiling, having millions of questions running through his head and a single important feeling making his heart beat so fast. He looked at Jin’s back turned on him and for one moment, he considered of asking Jin what was the truth regarding that morning. He drew a bit closer, supported his body weight on an elbow and stretched his hand to poke Jin in the cheek.
“Jin?” he asked with a small and fearful voice.
“Yes?” the older replied maybe too quickly. But he couldn’t help it, he was on edge from the moment Kazuya had chosen to remain in bed with Jin and his heart had decided in that second to have its own mind and start beating like crazy. He really hoped it wasn’t that obvious that he had been waiting for the younger to say something.
Kazuya couldn’t say that he had expected Jin to answer and when he did, his heart had stilled for an infinite moment and his breath caught in his throat. He retreated his hand and looked like he was ready to say what was really going on inside his head and heart. And he was, he wanted to ask, he wanted to know… but.
“Good night.” He whispered back to Jin and hid under the covers, hating this coward self that couldn’t handle the truth and preferred the ignorance.
Oblivious to Kazuya’s real intentions, Jin smiled to himself, thinking that this had been all that Kazuya had wanted to say and that was why he was feeling so unsure and shy. It was actually cute of him, the older thought, cursing his heart which had started pounding even faster at the sudden contact. “Kazuya?”
The younger actor looked at Jin’s back, his breathing a bit uneven. “Yes?” he replied back, wondering what was Jin going to say. He kind of suspected what the older one wanted to say, but still he couldn’t stop his own heart from hoping and yearning. He was really stupid.
Jin turned around in bed to look at Kazuya, their eyes locking. It was his turn to say something. He wanted to say that he was sorry, that even if he didn’t know what he did, he wanted to make up for it and that he’ll do anything to make Kazuya love him again. He wanted to say that he still loved him and that he didn’t want to lose him, didn’t want to be without him even one day.
In the end, he didn’t say anything either.
“Good night.”
*
PART II
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story - Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P.
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eight song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun burns down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious one
Fifteenth song ~ Never again
Chapter sixteen
Sixteenth song ~ Blue Tuesday
You said if we said goodbye, you wouldn’t see me again and you wouldn’t call.
You weren’t lying, were you?
We try and we try even if everything seems hopeless. We never give up because we’re humans and we don’t know how this word works - we never want to find out. Even if everyone is against us, even if our own life becomes miserable because of what we’re trying to obtain and even if everything seems to be against us… we never give up.
It’s a mistake.
It took much too long for them to reach the supermarket, Kazuya fuming and Jin totally happy. Of course the idiot couldn’t have remained in the car and waited for Kazuya to return, he had to tag along and even if he had threatened him, Jin hadn’t listened. The younger had no choice but to accept for the moment, planning to escape on him as soon as they’ll get in the supermarket. But he had underestimated Jin! The actor was clinging onto him like a leech and would nag him on each product he put in the cart.
Soon, Kazuya’s nerves were stretched to the maximum and on an effort not to snap publicly, he asked the actor to open his mouth and as soon as the other complied - looking rather happy and stupid doing such a thing - Kazuya stuck inside his mouth an orange before he went further to buy what he needed for the dinner. Of course, Jin had whined about this for at least ten minutes and not until Kazuya glared at him and asked him to shut up or he won’t cook, he didn’t stop. Really, the man was more than a spoilt brat and Kazuya didn’t remember him to be like this before. Now he was close to facing a headache because of him.
But Jin didn’t stop and soon he brought a cart of his own, filling it with all the stupidities he could find and Kazuya almost shouted at him for being so careless and such a spender! They argued half an hour on which products they should keep. At the end of their shopping, Kazuya wished he had never agreed with this stupid thing as a date with shopping done together with Jin. It was a nightmare really.
They arrived back to Jin’s apartment at ten o’clock in the evening, Kazuya feeling exhausted while the actor was humming happily. They brought all of their shopping in the kitchen and leisurely, Kazuya started to sort everything out and put what was needed in the fridge. He didn’t realize just how familiar and natural his actions seemed. After he finally sorted everything out, he began to prepare the dinner but as expected, Jin had to butt in here too and began to nag Kazuya if he should cut the onions first or the cucumbers. The younger sighed and said the cucumbers, but they had to be perfectly sliced on horizontal.
Only twenty seconds later, Jin was cursing and crying because he had cut his finger, but as Kazuya turned to look at it, he saw that it was just a small prick and that the cucumbers weren’t sliced on horizontal, but practically chopped. He calmly asked Jin to stay anywhere but near him, yet again the older wanted to help until he managed to spill the sauce composition Kazuya had done up till then. Without a warning, Kazuya pinched him and forced him to stay on a chair near the window and far away from him and his cooking.
Really, he never changed! He always did this when Kazuya was in the kitchen, only to be kicked or pinched, then sent to a corner from where he’d watch him cooking. Jin was the same in this aspect, always wanting to help but ending up creating more damage than necessary. Back then it had made Kazuya laugh and curse through mumbling and chuckling, but now it only made his heart ache. Because back then they were a couple and now they were nothing, though in such moments, they still acted like a couple. But Kazuya will never admit this and he won’t forget what had Jin done, whose fault was for being how they were now. Jin had no right to come and torment him like he was doing right now. Dates and dinner together… it was vexing!
It took an hour until everything was finished and dinner was served. Even with Jin creating him a headache at the beginning, Kazuya was pleased at the end as he looked at his cooking spreading an inviting scent and looking all ready to be eaten.
“Your food is still as amazing as I remembered it to be.” Jin said after stealing a piece of food and munching happily on it with a satisfied expression and a bottle of wine in hand.
Kazuya slapped Jin on the hand even if the food had already disappeared in the other’s mouth. “Actually it improved a lot.” He stated as a matter-of-factly and he went to wash his hands off. “But I see your manners haven’t.” He then added with a malicious voice as his hand stretched for a towel, but didn’t find it where it usually was. “Hey! Where did you move the towels?” He turned to look at the empty place where he had usually put all the towels. The true meaning of his words and reality hit him in the gut. “Never mind.” Kazuya mumbled as he spotted them in a different place. So Jin had little changes after all, he thought bitterly.
“I think Tat-chan moved them there.” Jin said without realizing, taking a seat at the table and looking with hunger at the delicious food. “He said that towels shouldn’t be near the sink because they get wet all the time.” He remembered, refraining to add that Ueda had also said that this happened only to Bakanishis like him and not to normal people.
Tat-chan, huh? It had been a long time since he had heard this name and it really didn’t bring too happy memories related to it. “It doesn’t matter.” Kazuya waved a hand in dismissal as he didn’t want to know anything more of this. “Anyway… let’s eat?” He then asked with a slight shrug as he looked at the fresh meal, suddenly his appetite lost.
“I also put a TV in the bedroom.” Jin announced with a light tone, like he was just trying to make a conversation but was actually wanting to share his life from these three years without the younger. He didn’t mention that he had bought it because he was feeling he was going to go mad if he were to spend another night alone in that room. He had put the TV there to have a distraction, but the truth was that he had started to sleep there again since he had found Kazuya. “And Tat-chan said that I should buy a new couch for the living room, but I really like the one I have.” He said with a sad tone as he took some more of the food.
Kazuya chewed his food more than necessarily until he realized that he wasn’t chewing anything. “Why don’t you sell the apartment if you make so many changes to it?” He asked with half annoyed, half bored tone. He started played with his fork and was looking quite absent minded.
“It’s just a couch and a TV.” Jin chuckled a little, though a glance at Kazuya left him confused as he didn’t understand what did he do wrong this time. Everything had seemed to be fine - or as fine as it could be between them - awhile ago. “Besides, I have this apartment since I can remember. This is where I started my career.” He stated proudly, looking at the room like he was able to see himself from ten years ago. “This is where Tat-chan proposed to me to come with him to America.” He added and bounced a little on his chair at this particular memory as it had been the one to change his whole life.
Kazuya’s mind blocked at the word proposed, it sounded in his head like an explosion or something like that. “P-proposed?” he asked with an incredulous tone, obviously not having heard the last part of Jin’s sentence. “Does he like you?” The question came out without him being able to stop it. He looked embarrassed as he realized and forcefully brought some food to his mouth, looking down in his plate. “This came really good.” He flattered himself as he swallowed, hoping that Jin would have the delicacy and won’t say anything more.
But of course, Jin wouldn’t be Jin if he didn’t answer to that really interesting question. “He never told me anything of the sort.” He shrugged a little, like it didn’t really matter to him and he was just talking about the weather. “Though I wouldn’t be surprised if he had liked me at some point. He is gay after all.” He added and took a huge bite of the food.
Kazuya dropped his fork; he was glad he hadn’t been eating otherwise he would be choking now. He looked at Jin with huge eyes and couldn’t believe his ears. “God…” The younger muttered and didn’t know what else to say. “That’s why…” He mumbled to himself, remembering the day he had first met Tatsuya and how he had been overly familiar with his ass. “And he slept in your bed!” Kazuya then exclaimed as if this was the most important thing now.
“Yeah, and not just one time.” Jin replied a little unsure, not knowing why was Kazuya bringing this matter up again and wondering why was he exaggerating so much when it came to Ueda. Then he seemed to remember something from that day. Oh, wait. Was Kazuya jealous even now?
Jin smirked inwardly. “You know I don’t like being alone so when we were in America, I often forced him to sleep with me.” He said with a small smile, masking it as a contentment from memories and not the satisfaction of seeing Kazuya’s expression in that moment. “He would always bicker but in the morning, he’d always be cuddled into me.” Jin chuckled a little.
Kazuya’s face paled, but his eyes sparkled furiously. He began attacking the food, not even eating it. “How lovely. You two would make a perfect couple.” He smiled, but you could see it wasn’t a genuine one at all. “I bet he suffers now that you’re here without him.” He sighed dramatically.
“Oh, but he’s here too!” Jin chirped happily, continuing to munch on his food like he hadn’t noticed the sudden change of Kazuya’s behavior but dancing in his head at the mention of them being a couple. “I haven’t seen him that much since we came to Japan though, he says that he had some business to do…” he explained with a desolated tone, being really sad and happy that Ueda wasn’t there with him. After all, he had become one of Jin’s closest friends too and he was one of the few people he could really rely on.
Kazuya pushed his almost full plate aside. He didn’t want to eat anymore and if he even tried, he would get sick instantly. “I’m finished.” He said and stood up, needing to get out from the room. “I’m going to the bathroom.” The younger added and without giving Jin the opportunity to ask anything, he dashed out and hurried to get to the bathroom where he closed himself in. He went to the sink and saw with horror that his face was pale. Was he really that bothered of Jin and Tatsuya being this close? And why did the idiot have to say that they had shared on many occasions a bed and that Jin had even cuddled with him?! Was Jin out of his mind? How could he do all that with his gay manager? What if…
Kazuya shook his head and turned on the tap for cold water, putting his hands under it and splashing some on his face. To his surprise once more, he saw that his hands were slightly trembling. What was the meaning of this? Why did it hurt so much to think that Jin was with another man other than him? The thought had him widen his eyes and the dreadful feeling that he had long suppressed resurfaced clearer than ever.
He still wasn’t over Jin.
“Are you okay?” the older asked from the other side of the door as he knocked on it. He had waited for Kazuya to come back to the table but it had seemed that this wasn’t going to happen too soon. He feared for a moment that he had gone too far with his teasing and that Kazuya had left without a word - it wouldn’t be the first time this happened after all. But he noticed that the boy was still in the bathroom and this had Jin more worried than he would have been if Kazuya had left.
The knock and Jin’s voice scared Kazuya for the moment. He looked at the door separating them and for the first time, he wished he had never found out what he did on that morning. He wished for the three years gone to be filled with memories of him and Jin… Kazuya shook his head and took a deep breath. No matter his wishes, time had passed and there was nothing bringing it back. Not even his own feelings.
“I’m fine.” Kazuya replied as he opened the door and looked at Jin’s worried face. His chest tightened and he couldn’t move or do anything except gaze at Jin. If the actor knew what was going inside his head and heart, he’d be more than happy. But Kazuya wasn’t feeling this way at all. Because this only meant his despair and fear. “So… what are we going to do next?” He asked and his voice shook a little. He won’t change now just because he realized that he was still in love with Jin.
“Are you really okay?” the older insisted, not really liking the expression that Kazuya was having at the moment. He lifted his arm and gently brushed a few strands of hair which were glued to the younger’s face because of the water from when he had washed his face and tucked them under his ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as his eyes studied him intensively and trying to find out what was wrong. Did Kazuya cry?
The younger actor stiffened at Jin’s touch. Why wasn’t he saying anything to him? Why couldn’t he get angry so easily like he had done before? And why the hell he enjoyed this slight touch? Up until now he had despised anything that Jin did to him, he didn’t want him close, he didn’t even want to see him… But Jin had been right. He had been living a lie, he had been lying to himself. Because he hadn’t refused Jin because he hated him, he had refused him because he loved him. And he wouldn’t allow himself such feelings again.
“I’m fine, really.” Kazuya pushed Jin’s hand away, not angrily, but gently. His cheek was prickling with the lingering touch.
“If you say so.” Jin replied, still not totally convinced but deciding to drop the issue for now. After all, it had always been like this with Kazuya. If he didn’t want to talk, he won’t do it until he felt that it was right and that he could trust the other person. And Jin knew that he wasn’t exactly one of Kazuya’s favorites for now. “Let’s go back and finish eating, you haven’t touched your food.” He then suggested with a kind smile, keeping a small distance between him and the boy, as if he wanted to reassure him that he won’t try anything.
“I’m not hungry anymore.” Kazuya replied immediately and took a step forward unconsciously, as if he didn’t want him to go farther away. “You can eat all if you want.” He smiled as his tone carried a light joking nuance. In the split of a moment, Kazuya decided to make this night quite enjoyable. Later, he’ll forget everything and revert to his old self, the one suppressing all of his feelings towards Jin. After all, he still had Ryo and he won’t leave him.
“I might just do that.” Jin answered with a smile, feeling a lot more relieved now that Kazuya seemed to be okay and tucking on the younger’s hand on an impulse and dragging him back to the kitchen. “Just don’t be sorry after if you’re hungry.” He added with a chuckle and a playful voice, hoping that the sudden change of Kazuya’s meant that he was allowed to act like this.
He had missed this, really. And he had suppressed this feeling for far too long, Kazuya thought as he let himself be led by Jin, not being aware of his own smile. Why did they have to end? If Jin only hadn’t… no, it wasn’t time for this. “Okay, but if I’m hungry, I’m making you cook for me.” Kazuya threatened and with regret he slipped past Jin and went inside the kitchen, taking his seat back. “Now let me see you eat everything.” He grinned as Jin entered and sat down too. Just for now… just for now he was allowed to think that three years hadn’t passed.
Something was weird and in the same time oddly familiar, Jin thought as he started yet again to eat the food made by Kazuya. Something had indeed changed at the younger and this had happened in a matter of seconds. He felt somehow afraid by this because it meant that everything could change back and the comfortable silence that they were sharing for now could be easily destroyed and Jin would have no idea why. He tried to think at something to talk about, but every subject he could think of would lead to their relationship and he didn’t want to approach that subject yet. So he decided to take the safe route and to ask something ordinary. “So how’s work?”
Kazuya shrugged. “Normal. For now, everything’s going smoothly and the story is unfolding nicely.” He answered as he leaned back on his chair. “Though I have to admit that I was surprised when I heard this was going to be a romantic movie.” The younger laughed, thinking how shocked he had been when Ryo told him and then sent him to the auditions. “I never expected -” Kazuya stopped, not wanting to talk about Ryo right now. Because every thought related to his current lover was making him feel guilty and unworthy. And this was nothing more than the actual truth. “But it’s a good movie.” He said instead and smiled.
“I’m glad that you’re having fun while filming.” Jin confessed with a gentle smile dancing on his lips. “To be honest, if someone had told me you became an actor, I wouldn’t have believed him.” He continued and laughed shortly, shaking his head a little like he was still dismissing this idea. “I had to see it with my own eyes to believe it.” He said with a slightly amused tone and a little guilty expression.
The younger chuckled and understood what Jin was trying to say. He had come to the studio back then to see him acting. And well, he had offered quite a bad performance. “Actually, I never thought I could become one too. But I held the place of an actor during one scene and… I got told I should take some acting courses.” He shrugged, intentionally avoiding saying Ryo’s name as he had been the one pushing Kazuya on this road. “Then I went to the audition for this movie and I ended up the main actor.” He laughed a bit embarrassed. “Though… I’m still not sure what I’m doing on a stage when all I liked was to be behind it.” Kazuya said with a peculiar expression - he was looking confused, but in the same time proud.
“Well, I think it suits you.” Jin shrugged, a light smile on his lips. “And I also think that you should continue being an actor as I’m sure you’ll receive more offers after this.” He winked and stretched a little on the chair, having finished the remains of their dinner and feeling more satisfied than he had been in these three years. After all, a dinner cooked by Kazuya and a nice conversation with him was the perfect way for Jin to spend a perfect night.
“Thanks.” Kazuya smiled, looking pleased and like maybe he had wanted to hear this from Jin. “Finished?” He then asked as he rose and started cleaning the table. “You know you have to do the dishes, right?” The younger added and looked maliciously at him. After all, he never liked leaving the dirty plates in the sink where he was sure Jin will let them lay for weeks. And he was sure Jin knew this as well.
“You really like to work me.” The older pouted, reminding Kazuya that he would always do the dishes after the younger cooked for them even if this was maybe the thing Jin despised the most in this world. Nevertheless, he got up, took the plates from the table and went to the sink, all the time muttering under his breath that it wasn’t fair and why was he forced to do something like this. Nothing that hadn’t happened before.
And Kazuya stood behind him, smiling to himself as he also remembered those times well. After all, the pang of hurt from his chest wouldn’t let him do otherwise, especially when he used to make those mumblings disappear by hugging the actor from behind and whispering in his ear things that Kazuya knew very well Jin liked to hear. But now he wasn’t able to do this anymore and even if he found himself slowly advancing towards Jin, he knew he won’t do such a thing. “You’re the one who wanted a date with me.” Kazuya said as he stood behind Jin, looking above his shoulder at what he was doing. “So do your best.” He added with a low chuckle before he turned away, feeling that if he stayed any longer, his arms would get a mind of their own and wrap themselves around Jin’s waist. He couldn’t afford losing his control now.
“Let me tell you that…” Jin started to say but was rudely interrupted by the ringing of a phone. He cursed out loudly, throwing knives in his mind at whoever was calling right in that moment before he realized that it was his own phone ringing. “Can you help me?” he asked Kazuya, looking helplessly at him and showing the boy his wet hands.
The younger looked perplexed for a few seconds, but the endless ringing of the phone brought him to reality. He went to Jin’s side and looked at him with an undecipherable expression on his face before he let his hand slip inside the singer’s front pocket to retrieve the phone. The bad part was that the pocket was a bit deeper than expected - Jin had always loved baggy pants - and Kazuya soon found out that he had to get closer to Jin and to dive deeper his hand to reach the phone. His fingers were groping the material to lift the pocket a bit and so the phone came quickly to his hand. He pulled it out victoriously and as he looked at Jin, his face was a bit redder than usual. He answered the call and quickly put the telephone to Jin’s ear. Of course, he hadn’t missed seeing the caller’s name - Tat-chan.
“Yep.” Jin answered with a growl, but his voice immediately changed to a happy one when he realized with whom he was talking. “Tat-chan!” he exclaimed and Kazuya could swear that Jin did a little dance on the spot. “What…” he seemed to want to ask something, but was stopped by the other one. “What?!” he repeated the word with a loud squeal, his eyes widening and his hands shaking a little. “You’re joking.” He stated with an unsure voice even if a smile was already starting to form on his lips. As expected at the incredulous answer, Jin needed to back a little from the phone and even Kazuya could now hear Ueda screaming through the phone and calling Jin names.
The older just rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I love you too.” He said when the screaming subdued a little, enough for him to be heard by the other. There was a small reply and then the call ended as suddenly as it had started. Jin’s face was colored with a bright smile and shining eyes as he looked at Kazuya, his heart beating faster than ever. “I’m going to release a single!!” he suddenly yelled, throwing his fists in the air and after that proceeding to hug the younger and to spin around the room with him, completely forgetting about his wet hands and anything else, concentrating only on his happiness and singing loudly that he was going to release a single.
Although shocked by the sudden outburst, Kazuya flung his arms around Jin’s neck, to avoid falling off, obviously. He couldn’t help but to smile at this genuine happiness of Jin as he was swirled by him, his face hidden in the crook of his neck, deeply inhaling his scent. His heart was beating faster too, but not because of Jin’s new single, that was for sure. God, it was excruciating. In just one night, he had realized so many things, which he didn’t know how to deal normally with. But just for tonight, Kazuya thought.
“I’m going to release a single, Kazuya!” Jin repeated as he stopped and looked into the younger’s eyes, his hands on the boy’s shoulders and still keeping him closer without noticing or really intending. “In Japan!” he added, as if it hadn’t been clear until then. “Do you realize what does this mean?” he continued with an excited voice, his sparkling eyes betraying the fact that he was obviously already drifting off into a world of his own, where he was on stage and singing to the Japanese public and receiving applauses and…
Yes, he realized what this meant, Kazuya thought, also lost in his own world of swirling emotions. It meant that he was so close to Jin right now but as far away as a fan was. “Congratulations!” Kazuya smiled genuinely, sounding really proud of Jin. “We’ll be hearing your voice singing in Japanese once more.” He added with a wider grin as he looked at the renowned singer. Kazuya dismissed the thought that he would have liked for Jin to swirl him some more and that he felt lonely all of a sudden.
“You’re right, it will be my first single in Japan.” Jin realized, even if this wasn’t exactly what Kazuya had said. “I don’t have songs in Japanese, I need to compose something.” He continued, detaching himself from the younger and starting to pace through the room, worry written on his features. “I need a song and I only have a few days. Tat-chan had said that things will be a little rushed so I have to hurry and…”
Kazuya looked at him walk aimlessly and chuckled softly, this time ignoring all of what he wanted to really do in that moment to Jin. “Jin, you need to calm down first.” He said as he went to the sink, finishing the actor’s work. After all, he had to do something with his itching hands. “You’ll be just fine, I’m sure. And now you have what to think of.” Kazuya continued, looking from time to time at Jin. “And I’m also sure you have some songs already written.” He said jokingly, though Jin used to write a lot when they were together even if the songs were never released.
Jin suddenly stopped, his back at Kazuya though his eyes were fixed on the mirror with the younger’s reflection. “All the Japanese songs I’ve written were for you and I don’t want to release them.” He confessed, not really knowing if it was wise to bring this matter exactly now when things seemed to be better between them.
Kazuya froze instantly and he was glad he wasn’t holding any plate because he would have definitely dropped it. Then he recovered and busied himself even more, trying to say something, but not having really anything except - “Why not?”
“Because I put my heart in those songs.” Jin turned to face Kazuya, thinking that it had to be a good sign that they were still talking and that Kazuya had even asked him something. “Because you are in those songs, our love and our feelings. I don’t want to share them with the whole world, they are too precious.” He continued and his lips curled up into a longing smile.
Kazuya bit his lower lip as he nodded once, then turned the water off. “Okay.” He said to Jin, not knowing what other words would be good enough to be said. Actually, he felt really happy when he heard Jin say all this, but it hurt in the same time. Because right now, Kazuya was dealing with his own feelings and Jin was adding his too. It was too much for just one night. And he didn’t trust himself anymore.
“Okay?” Jin repeated with an uncertain tone, wondering if he had ruined the night with this as he started to slowly approach Kazuya.
“Stay there.” The younger said, his back turned on Jin as he didn’t want to face him. “And yes, it’s okay. After all, they’re your songs, you are free to do whatever you want with them.” He continued with a composed voice, knowing that he must sound like a jerk, but well… it wasn’t like he hadn’t been one lately, was it?
Alright, now Jin was sure that he had done something wrong yet again. He didn’t respond and backed away, going to his chair and sitting down, his elbows propped on the table and his head held by his hands. “You’re still as not cute as ever.” He decided to complain, pouting and pursing his lips in defeat and tiredness. He was kind of sick of being careful with his words, taking care to not make Kazuya change his mind again. It had been a stupid thing to do from the beginning because this wasn’t the person that the younger had fallen in love with. Jin just had to be himself to remind him of their time spent together.
“Then sorry for not being cute.” Kazuya said and there was a tinge of annoyance in his voice. He grabbed a towel before he turned to Jin, but didn’t look at him. “I’m sure Ueda-san is a cuter person than me.” He added as he walked to the fridge from where he retrieved two shortcakes. He went to Jin and put the plate with a loud sound in front of him. “Eat it.” Kazuya ordered on an angry tone.
“Don’t wanna.” Jin refused, now crossing his arms in front of his chest and still sulking. The cake looked delicious, but something from Kazuya’s tone made the actor aching to defy him, just to see his reaction at Jin’s disobedience.
Kazuya arched an eyebrow as his foot started tapping. “You sure?” He asked on a threatening tone and pursed his lips at Jin’s nod. “Perfect.” The younger said and out of the blue, grabbed Jin on the nose and with his other hand, took some from the shortcake and stuffed it inside of Jin’s mouth. “That’s better.” Kazuya replied proudly as he smeared some of the whipped cream on Jin’s lips and chin. Oh, and he didn’t use the fork.
Jin almost choked, too surprised by Kazuya’s action to have time to react or even register what had happened. He narrowed his eyes as he pushed the younger’s hand away with an annoyed expression, sitting up and taking some cream on his fingers, smiling devilishly the whole time. The movement had been too quick and before Kazuya had time to do anything, he found himself with two of Jin’s full with cream fingers stuck in his mouth.
Kazuya’s eyes widened and looked at Jin with a frozen expression. Then, without any visible change in his behavior - except if you looked at the now darker color of his eyes - he grabbed Jin’s wrist and held it steady as he slowly and teasingly licked and sucked off the cream from Jin’s fingers. His tongue and lips were gentle and when shy, when daring as they cleaned wet the fingers and when he finished, with a lingering kiss, Kazuya drew back and let go of Jin’s hand. “Sweet.” He said with a calm voice, though his heart was beating faster than ever. He just hoped that his actions won’t have graver repercussions.
Jin blinked. Once, then twice. Maybe the third time he’ll have more luck. No, it was useless, the image in front of his eyes still didn’t change and especially the images from his mind that his sweet little innocent eyes had witnessed didn’t disappear. Did Kazuya really do that? No, it couldn’t be, Jin thought. Kazuya had always been bold and rather unpredictable, but this was too much even for him. He would have never had the courage to do something like this - even if he would often get maybe a little excited when they were making out and would surprise Jin every time with something else. No, it just… he couldn’t believe it.
So he did the thing that most normal people would do. He dipped his fingers again in the cream and pushed them for the second time into Kazuya’s mouth, his eyes still widened and his mouth gaped, looking rather stupidly as he watched the younger to see if that had really happened or he had been daydreaming again.
Kazuya looked back at Jin, trying to understand what this meant and why Jin was doing this. So, shy and unsure, he took more of his fingers, sucking in the whipped cream with a slight slurp, his tongue sliding between the fingers and drawing back teasingly. Then he stopped abruptly, pushed Jin’s fingers away and took a few steps back, to get some distance between him and Jin. He was looking at the actor with burning hunger in his eyes, but there was also a bit of control that was shown in his tensed body. “Thanks for dessert.” He croaked, trying to lighten the atmosphere by being a bit funny. Too bad it kind of failed.
Too bad for him that Jin felt like dancing. It had been real and only now he realized that his heart was beating madly, that his hands were sweating and that his body was slightly shaking. He looked at Kazuya and studied his features for a second, realizing that the younger wasn’t that different from him and that maybe he was feeling as dumbfounded and nervous as Jin was. He had no idea when he had started smiling or when he had started moving, everything seemed like a dream and looked like it lasted an eternity, though it lasted only the few seconds that Jin needed to build his courage. The only thing that Jin realized was that he had made a move and that his lips were now pressed against Kazuya’s, his hands holding the boy by his waist and their bodies closer than they had been the whole day.
He stiffened and cursed himself for the impulse. Then he just closed his eyes and continued to kiss Kazuya.
The younger couldn’t believe what was happening right now. Why was Jin kissing him? Why was he letting him? Because all of his walls were melting in Jin’s arms, all of his defenses were crumbling on him and he couldn’t help but give in. And his body was responding to Jin’s, was accepting what was happening, was trembling from the so wished contact. But it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right.
“No… stop…” Kazuya mumbled in the kiss, hating the way he was clinging on Jin, the way he wanted more. It really shouldn’t happen between them.
“Shh…” Jin silenced him, his lips still pressed against Kazuya’s as his hands slowly started to roam over his back. One of it settled on the boy’s back, gently caressing him but with enough force to hold him back if the boy would try to escape, the other one going further up and playing with Kazuya’s hair, Jin letting his fingers dance through the soft brown locks and tilting his head a little to deepen the kiss, wanting to feel more and to have more. His lips never stopped touching, nibbling on Kazuya’s lips and tasting them as if it was the first time he was doing this. He gently sucked on the lower one and then went to the upper one, slowly parting them and slipping the top of his tongue inside Kazuya’s mouth, meeting the younger’s tongue into a playful brush and then sucking more on his lips.
Kazuya moaned involuntarily, gluing his body to Jin’s, wanting to feel more and to never let go. He was unsure in kissing Jin back, his tongue was gentle and shy, but curious to know once more the mouth of the one he loved. Kazuya clung onto Jin, deepened their kiss, taking more and more from him. He was feeling hungry, thirsty and it could be seen in the way his hands were holding onto Jin’s shirt, how his body was shivering and asking for more. And for one moment, he was ravishing the singer’s mouth, their lips tightly locked and their tongues in a wild dance. And in the next moment, Kazuya pulled himself away from Jin’s embrace, panting heavily as he looked at the other one.
“Stay away.” He said on a hushed voice, not hiding the desire and the shuddering in his body. “I don’t know what’s happening with me right now… so better stay away.” Kazuya added and backed away a few more steps.
“You don’t know?” Jin cocked a slightly mocking eyebrow, his breath a little unsteady as he took one step forward. “You’re kissing me because you want to. You’re hugging because this is what you want to do.” He pointed out with a calm voice. While he may have forced Kazuya to stay with him this night, it didn’t mean that he had also forced him into that kiss. Kazuya had responded out of his own will and Jin was decided to make him see the truth. “You know very well what’s happening with you because this is what you wanted all the time.” He continued and even if his voice sounded overly confident, it still couldn’t hide the shadow of gentleness that it carried.
Kazuya shook his head in denial, but his words contradicted the action. “I know I want you.” He replied hoarsely, his chest rising with his breath. “But we both know that it’s not that easy between us. It never was.” He continued and his voice sounded a bit regretful and hopeful in the same time. “I want you… but I can’t.” He looked deflated as he said this. It was clearly that something had changed inside of Kazuya and it was showing.
“Why not?” Jin asked with a pleading and whining voice. “You want to be with me and I want to be with you, so where’s the problem?!” he wanted to know as he stopped in front of the younger, feeling rather frustrated with himself for not being able to understand why was Kazuya so keen on rejecting him when he had no problem on saying how much he wanted the older.
“I want you, not to be with you.” Kazuya replied, though he was sort of lying. “And there is more than one problem between us.” He added, not wanting to back away from Jin, though he couldn’t help to do so. “And if we’re still going to discuss this… then I’d better go home.” The younger added, letting his head fall down, not looking at Jin anymore.
Problems that only you know because you’re too much of an idiot to share them with me, Jin would have wanted to say, but refrained himself and just let out a frustrated groan, backing away from Kazuya. “Fine, if that’s the way you want.” He said, deciding to drop the subject for the time being, seeing as it was clear that he won’t be getting anything from the younger this night either.
He wasn’t even in the mood to celebrate his first Japanese single.
“You have work tomorrow, right? Then let’s go to bed.” Jin continued and turned his back on Kazuya, wanting to leave that room as soon as possible. If he were to stay there another second, things won’t end well because he was sure he won’t be able to remain as calm as he was.
Kazuya felt hurt that Jin was reacting this way and he knew it was his fault, but he couldn’t do anything. It was the best this way and even if it hurt both of them, Kazuya had to keep going this way. He followed Jin silently, wondering why was the actor still insisting to keep this charade when it was clear that they were only going to end up in a more tensed and awkward situation. As they got into the bedroom, Kazuya steeled himself against the memories once more assaulting him, trying to block everything from their common past.
“Jin…” The younger said with a small voice. “Don’t you want to celebrate your Japanese single?” He dared to ask, knowing very well that it wasn’t exactly the best moment.
“Not really.” Jin replied with a slightly cold voice as he proceeded to search for some clothes for Kazuya, not feeling in the mood to celebrate and act like everything was fine when he was feeling so frustrated because he couldn’t do anything to make Kazuya change his mind. Everything that he had done had been worthless. Nothing had managed to convince the younger to come back or at least tell Jin what was that damned problem!!
No, thank you very much, he didn’t want to celebrate.
Kazuya looked with a sad expression at Jin and without knowing why, he chose to say some words that he didn’t even want to believe. “Of course, you’d want to celebrate with Ueda-san and your friends.” He commented as he dragged his feet towards the bed, feeling suddenly weary and dreadful of climbing in that precise bed with that stupid Jin. He stopped and looked at it, seeing through the past’s eyes everything he and Jin had shared on that bed.
“Well, at least they answer the questions I ask them.” The words rolled out of Jin’s mouth before he could stop himself. He froze for a second but recovered rather quickly and pulled out from his closet some shorts and a T-shirt, turning to look at Kazuya.
The younger met his eyes and smiled sadly. “Then I’m happy for you.” He said, though one would have expected a slight outburst from the younger, but right now… Kazuya wasn’t feeling up to anything except to hide in a place where no one could ever find him. “Jin... can I get the couch?” He asked and he looked desperate for a second. “Please.” He really didn’t want to sit in the bed that was making him remember so many things, he didn’t want to inhale Jin’s scent, he didn’t want to be surrounded by all he loved and couldn’t have anymore.
Jin looked at Kazuya for what seemed to be an eternity, eyeing him from head to toes and seeming to be trying to make a decision. He didn’t know why, but it was clear how painful it was for the younger one to be there and that the thought of sleeping in the same bed with Jin was torturing him. He was aware of all that, but he was more aware of his own pain in that moment and of the three years he had spent away from Kazuya because the younger one was too stupid to believe in him. Kazuya was hurting, but then again, he had also been hurting since the moment he had been dumped without any explanation and even more since the boy had returned.
Their eyes met and Jin took a deep breath. “No.” he said while handing Kazuya the clothes he had picked, feeling a little bitchy in that moment and feeling the need to be a little mean with the boy after all he had put Jin through.
Kazuya stretched his hand to take Jin’s clothes, though his arm was trembling a little. This night was going to be a real challenge for him - engulfed by Jin’s scent and memories, he was sure he won’t be able to sleep at all. “I’ll go to the bathroom then.” He said with a gulp and headed slowly for the bathroom, as if he was trying to prolong the moment when he’ll have to sleep.
Jin didn’t say anything more, just turned his back on Kazuya and proceeded to undress as he heard the door to the bathroom closing. Only then he stopped to release his breath. What was he doing? He was just forcing Kazuya to do something he clearly didn’t want and this wasn’t going to do them any good, it won’t make Kazuya say what happened and it definitely won’t make him more willing to accept Jin back. Maybe he should try that old trick with the bathroom stall, it had seemed to be pretty affective the first time. Or it would just end up like it did with the flowers.
Jin sighed. He had no idea what he should do anymore, but he didn’t want to give up. He was sure there had to be a reason for which Kazuya had left and as soon as he’ll discover it, he’ll have the chance to explain and everything would be fine. But it was already obvious that the younger had no intention of telling him. The only other person who knew was Ryo, but somehow Jin really doubted that he would find out something from his maybe ex-friend. The really sad part in all of this was that neither one of them had wished for things to get here.
Fata and its stupid games.
Jin groaned and decided to just sleep, throwing his clothes on the floor like he was used to and flopping in bed wearing only his boxers, going under the covers and sighing again in the pillow. It was a really frustrated situation he was in and Jin couldn’t help but to get annoyed at everyone and especially at Kazuya for being so stupid and believing something that someone had told him. He should have had more trust in Jin, he should have come to him and ask if it was true what he had been told. The last thing he should have done just to run off like that.
But Kazuya had been a fool and now he was an even bigger idiot for hiding the truth from Jin, the older thought as he kept his eyes on the bathroom’s door and wondered what was Kazuya thinking in that moment. But, then again, it was exactly this stubbornness of the boy that had made Jin fall for him and the boy’s desire to face Jin no matter what had made Jin want to chase him, so he wasn’t that surprised that Kazuya wasn’t giving in.
He heard a noise and hurried to close his eyes as the door to the bathroom opened and Kazuya stepped in the room. He really didn’t want to force him to do something against his will, Jin thought, so he would give in once more. He would pretend to be asleep and let the younger choose.
After all, the ball had always been in his hands.
Kazuya entered the room, Jin’s clothes being as large as ever - even if he had taken in weight. He stole a glance at Jin and saw that the other was fast asleep, but the younger knew better. There have been many times when Jin had tried to fool him by pretending he was already sleeping or when he would get upset on him, he’d force himself to sleep. And right now, the younger knew it was the latter the reason why Jin was once again pretending to sleep. He went to the other side of the bed and for a moment, he considered taking a pillow and going to sleep on the couch. But on a second thought, this will only make Jin more upset and would probably force him to take the bed.
With an inaudible sigh, he put one leg on the bed, reluctantly wanting to get under the covers. But he did in the end and he kind of shivered at the cold feeling and instinctively drew closer to Jin. He lied down like that, looking at the ceiling, having millions of questions running through his head and a single important feeling making his heart beat so fast. He looked at Jin’s back turned on him and for one moment, he considered of asking Jin what was the truth regarding that morning. He drew a bit closer, supported his body weight on an elbow and stretched his hand to poke Jin in the cheek.
“Jin?” he asked with a small and fearful voice.
“Yes?” the older replied maybe too quickly. But he couldn’t help it, he was on edge from the moment Kazuya had chosen to remain in bed with Jin and his heart had decided in that second to have its own mind and start beating like crazy. He really hoped it wasn’t that obvious that he had been waiting for the younger to say something.
Kazuya couldn’t say that he had expected Jin to answer and when he did, his heart had stilled for an infinite moment and his breath caught in his throat. He retreated his hand and looked like he was ready to say what was really going on inside his head and heart. And he was, he wanted to ask, he wanted to know… but.
“Good night.” He whispered back to Jin and hid under the covers, hating this coward self that couldn’t handle the truth and preferred the ignorance.
Oblivious to Kazuya’s real intentions, Jin smiled to himself, thinking that this had been all that Kazuya had wanted to say and that was why he was feeling so unsure and shy. It was actually cute of him, the older thought, cursing his heart which had started pounding even faster at the sudden contact. “Kazuya?”
The younger actor looked at Jin’s back, his breathing a bit uneven. “Yes?” he replied back, wondering what was Jin going to say. He kind of suspected what the older one wanted to say, but still he couldn’t stop his own heart from hoping and yearning. He was really stupid.
Jin turned around in bed to look at Kazuya, their eyes locking. It was his turn to say something. He wanted to say that he was sorry, that even if he didn’t know what he did, he wanted to make up for it and that he’ll do anything to make Kazuya love him again. He wanted to say that he still loved him and that he didn’t want to lose him, didn’t want to be without him even one day.
In the end, he didn’t say anything either.
“Good night.”
*
PART II