Addictive Obsession - chapter twenty-seven [part III]

[aroruae]

PART II

And time passed.

Jin could still remember perfectly how he had rushed to get away from Kento’s house, disappearing exact in time before the police would find them. Ryo had yelled at him an hour for what he had done, but he had been forced to understand eventually and to take care that no one would find Jin until he will be able to leave town along with Kazuya.

The boy had slept a day and a night without waking up. And when he had finally opened his eyes, Jin had been there for him and had wanted to support him through this painful new memory of his - but he had been surprised by Kazuya’s first words.

*

“Who are you?” Kazuya asked, pulling away from the unknown man and scurrying on the bed, dragging whatever he caught under his fingers to put between him and the other one.

Jin’s eyes widened, for a moment looking at his lover with a shocked expression. “Kazuya?” he called the boy’s name, thinking that he might be playing a game, but the way the younger one pulled back even more as he tried to move towards him made Jin realize that this was serious - Kazuya really didn’t know who he was. “I’m Jin.” The older one introduced himself, walking slowly towards the bed and sitting on it, giving time to Kazuya to adjust with his presence and not wanting to scare him away. “It’s okay, I won’t hurt you.” He added with the most gentle and convincing tone he could muster, lifting his hand towards the other one as a sign of trust.

Kazuya looked distrustful at the extended hand. “Who’s Kazuya?” He asked with a small, but firm voice. He didn’t know the man, he had never seen him in his life. Yet he was there with him, acting like he knew something about him. Like anyone could know -

Kazuya’s distrustful expression changed to a fearful one as he looked at Jin all lost and confused - “Who am I?”

“Your name is Kazuya.” Jin clarified with a gentle voice, letting his hand fall down on the bed as he realized that the younger one didn’t trust him at all. And who could blame him in such circumstances? Because, from what he could tell, the boy couldn’t remember anything about him or his life. “You’re safe here with me, I’m not going to let anyone hurt you.” He then added, wanting to gain Kazuya’s trust in one way or another, but seriously having problems in that moment.

How could this have happened? Jin wasn’t one to deal with gentleness and patience and stuff like that, he was more the type to take whatever he wanted and it was clear even now that the only thing he wanted was to be with Kazuya. But he couldn’t just take him, could he?

Somehow, it seemed like everything will just fall down from here.

“I am Kazuya?” The younger one asked, insecurity in his voice as he looked at Jin, taking in his features and wondering why wasn’t he remembering him at all. “I can’t remember.” Kazuya then whined, grabbing his head and crouching forward. “What did you do to me?” The question came out naturally, as if only Jin could have hurt Kazuya in such a manner. The truth was that he did.

Jin bit his tongue in order to stop the first reply that came to his mind. He took a deep breath, knowing or, more likely, suspecting that Kazuya needed someone to be understanding with him and not demanding as he usually was. He could still see in his mind that sight of the boy covered by the blood of his first crime and even if he had agreed at some points with it, Jin had come in the end to the conclusion that he shouldn’t have let Kazuya get close to this world.

It had been too much for him and it had driven him to the point of madness and now… amnesia.

“You’re safe, Kazuya.” Jin repeated calmly. “You had an accident, but now you’re fine and you’re going to get well, Kazuya.” He continued on saying the boy’s name, hoping that it might send some kind of trust to the other one - he remembered to have read something about this at some point in his life.

“Safe?” Kazuya asked through his cries, holding his head like it was in great pain - he was. “I don’t remember anything, I don’t know who you are, who I am… this isn’t safe!” He ended up shouting, all of his body shaking because of the shock of being alone in the darkness of his own mind. “I’m scared…” He said on a quivering tone, embracing his body as in an attempt to protect himself.

Jin raised a hand towards the younger one, but then stopped in time, thinking that it might scare Kazuya even more. Oh, fuck it, he said to himself as he ignored his own warnings and climbed a bit into the bed, taking the boy into his arms against the other one’s struggles. “I’m going to protect you, Kazuya, you can trust me.” Jin said, holding the younger one back from escaping from his arms. “I’ve told you, right? I’ll be the only one left in the end that won’t abandon you no matter what.” He continued, thinking back at the time when he had promised this to him - it had changed their life a bit; a bit more.

Kazuya whimpered in Jin’s arms, having stopped his struggles to get free, somehow his body recognizing the arms that were holding him in that moment. “Can I really trust you?” He asked with a whine in his voice, involuntarily clutching onto Jin, the only one who won’t abandon him - he hoped.

“You can trust me more than anything.” Jin replied with the same comforting voice and when Kazuya looked up unsurely at him, inquiring his expression and smiling in the end, Jin had known that they will be alright.

*

It wasn’t as worse as Jin had initially thought. From what he had searched and from what his personal doctor had said to him, Kazuya had something called repressed memory which had made him forget all the bad things that had happened to him. He had started recalling his own name after that and had even remembered that he was a student and that he was studying Psychology. The doctor had even said that he would remember much more if Jin were to let him go to familiar places and that it would do good to him.

He had refused.

Kazuya had forgotten mostly three important things about his life. He didn’t know anything about his mother anymore, what she had done to him or even that things as moms even existed. He couldn’t recall a thing about his father, that he had been to prison for killing the man sleeping with his wife and that he had died by his own son’s hands. And finally, he had forgotten all about Jin. It hurt, the older one had to admit as he was put face to face with the proof that his presence in Kazuya’s life had only done more damage than good.

And that was why he had decided to change. He had organized everything for their trip while Kazuya was sleeping and he had been next to the younger one day by day, night by night, not leaving him alone even one second and giving Kazuya the chance to get used to him once again. He had been acting kind and gentle and everything that he had never been, but that he desperately wanted to become.

It had taken him two weeks, but finally everything had been ready for them to leave.

*

Kazuya heard footsteps at the entrance door and he hurried to the hallway to see what was happening. He saw Jin getting ready to leave and instinctually, he grabbed his arm to stop him - “Where are you going?” He asked with fear in his voice, his hold turning into a grip. It was obvious that he didn’t want Jin to leave him behind.

“I’m just going outside for a moment.” Jin blinked surprised, not having expected Kazuya to actually stop him. Ryo had just called him and had said that there were just a few details to complete to assure their safety as they will leave town. Two weeks had passed since the news of Kazuya’s father’s death had spread all over town and they were lucky not to be at home when the police had come to look for them at Jin’s apartment - courtesy of Koki most probably. But Jin had foreseen this and he had brought the younger one to Ryo’s apartment, lending it for a while.

Kazuya glanced at the door, fidgeting on the stop. “Outside?” He licked his lips, a sign of anxiety. “Are you leaving me behind?” He asked with a small voice, his heart beating fast in his chest, making him worry about his safety. Jin had promised to stay with him and now… he was going away, leaving him alone.

A small smile curled up Jin’s lips. The fact that he hadn’t left Kazuya alone even for one second had made the boy become a little too dependent on him, but he couldn’t say that he didn’t like that - on the contrary. Kazuya was cute when he was looking at Jin like that, like his whole world depended on the older one and like Kazuya wouldn’t be able to even live without him - it was half a lie, but it made Jin smile nevertheless.

“I’m not leaving you behind.” Jin replied as he turned with his whole body to look at Kazuya, lifting his hand and cupping the boy’s cheek. The younger one had gotten used with his touches in the past few days, but it was clear that he was still scared of being this close to someone that he couldn’t remember at all. This loss of memory had made Kazuya vulnerable and it made Jin wonder and ask himself if this was the real Kazuya - unsure, frightened and terribly vulnerable and weak. “I’m just stepping outside for a few moments and then I’m coming back. I’ve told you about the trip that we’re going to make, right?” Jin asked gently. He had talked to Kazuya and had told him about a place that would make everything better and where they could live without being afraid of anything. These words had managed to convince the younger one that it would be good to go and it seemed that he had chosen to trust Jin enough for that.

Only now Jin realized how much of a trust Kazuya had actually put in him.

The boy nodded, still looking unsurely at Jin and the older one widened his smile at the other one’s obedience. He had wanted for Kazuya to listen to him, but now that he had this, Jin realized that he hadn’t actually wanted it. Kazuya was Kazuya for the way he was - stubborn, unpredictable, always looking to create some more mess for him and always making trouble for the both of them. He loved that Kazuya and even if this new version was cute and absolutely adorable, Jin really missed the real one.

“I have to finish some things about that and then we’ll be able to leave. Together.” Jin continued with a happy expression, wanting Kazuya to feel as excited as he was. He had been forced to keep the boy restrained in his apartment because no one was supposed to see him, but once they will be over the border, they will be free and Jin will be able to let Kazuya do whatever he wanted.

He hoped that it will bring back some of the boy’s confidence.

“Don’t stay long.” Kazuya said with an insecure tone, pulling on his sleeve like a child, trying to hide his rawest emotions. He couldn’t succeed as - unlike in the past - he held no control over his feelings or expressions. He felt scared, he showed it, he felt insecure, it was obvious. Kazuya was as transparent as a sheet of paper in the light and he needed Jin right now.

The older one looked at him with a thoughtful gaze, before he decided to take a risky decision - taking a deep breath, Jin continued to smile reassuringly as he got closer to Kazuya and caught his hands between his own, entwining them and bringing their bodies close enough to touch. “Will you miss me?” he asked with a hint of a tease in his voice, his lips curling up a bit into a tiny smirk.

Kazuya seemed panicked for the moment as the feel of another body - another male body - was this close to him. He looked at Jin with big eyes in which his emotions pooled. “I-I think.” He stuttered, feeling his cheeks warm, sort of not understanding what was this sensation that was trying him because of Jin’s proximity.

Jin’s smile became wider at Kazuya’s response. “I promise you that I won’t leave, no matter what.” He said with a slow and firm voice, wanting the boy to perfectly understand his words and not believe that there was any hidden intention in his promises. “Do you believe me, Kazuya?” he then asked, half curious of what will the answer be. Normally, Kazuya wouldn’t trust Jin that much in matters that didn’t regard sex, but in this one… he had always believed that Jin will never leave him.

Kazuya nodded as he lowered his head a little - “Yes.” He confirmed verbally, thinking that Jin wasn’t such a bad person, he had taken care of him, he had never let him alone, therefore he could trust him. Jin must be someone important in his life, no?

“Good boy.” Jin praised the younger one, smiling brightly and then leaning close to erase the distance between their lips and softly place his own over Kazuya’s into a sweet and simple kiss, his eyes open and watching the boy’s every reaction.

“Why did you do that?” Kazuya asked as his eyes fluttered open, curiosity mixed with worry and fear and maybe something else. He hadn’t rejected Jin even if his body had involuntarily jerked a little, quickly relaxing seeing that Jin won’t do anything to him, anything that he didn’t like. And the kiss had felt kind of soft, reassuring.

“Didn’t you like it?” Jin responded with another question of his own, feeling encouraged that Kazuya hadn’t rejected him yet and hadn’t freaked out, still staying into his embrace and holding onto his hands.

“I don’t know.” Kazuya replied with a small voice, shying his eyes away from Jin, feeling his heart beat faster. “Did we kiss before?” He asked with a shy tone, glancing at the other one and licking his lips while waiting for an answer that came in the form of another kiss, as innocent as the first one, just two pairs of lips touching before Jin opened his mouth a bit and started nibbling on Kazuya’s lips, seeing as the boy didn’t reject him.

Kazuya whimpered a little out of fear, not knowing how he should react or if this was normal or right to do. And there was this slight headache coming to him and he didn’t know why there was a sudden panic in the pit of his stomach, rising up to his throat, threatening to have him choke. He pushed his trembling hands on Jin’s chest and pushed him slightly - “S-stop.” He murmured feebly, his eyes tightly shut as he was afraid to move more or to get away from Jin. He trusted Jin, but he also feared him, despite not knowing the reason.

The older smiled bitterly and placed another kiss on Kazuya’s forehead in a loving way. “I’m sorry.” He said, realizing that it was for the first time that he was actually sorry and that he knew very well the consequences of his own actions. Usually, he would ask forgiveness for acting without thinking and hurting Kazuya once more without wanting to. But he had suspected this time that this will be the answer he will receive and he had still done it - so he completely let go of the boy and put as much distance as he could between them.

Kazuya looked slightly disconcerted at the way Jin let go of him this easily, something telling him that this wasn’t the usual Jin and that he would have rather insisted. Yet Kazuya was glad that he didn’t do that because he really didn’t know how to react to such situations. “It’s okay.” He mumbled feebly, touching Jin’s hand as if in reassurance. “I was just surprised.” He then added, smiling a little and hoping that maybe next time he won’t reject Jin.

He didn’t like the bitter expression he had just shown.

*

In the end, they had been able to leave the country without any problem, courtesy of Ryo and Jin’s men who still trusted him more than anything after all that he had done for them. Jin might have been ruthless with everyone, but he was always observant and had taken good care of his men, had given them all that they had wanted as long as they swore loyalty in exchange. And they all admired him, the way he would always deal with any problem and how no one could make him back down. Jin had never felt fear and his men respected him for that, admiring him for everything that he was in front of them - a good leader.

It hadn’t been hard to find a place to live either. Jin had taken care of this as soon as their plane had landed in America and he had dedicated his whole time to taking care of Kazuya and making sure that he was feeling okay. The boy seemed to have suppressed everything that had made hurt him at some point in his life. Jin could still remember the first day when he had given Kazuya a glass of water and the younger one had gotten scared of it and had demanded to know what was that strange liquid. He also refused to take any pill and was terrified of even seeing one and the red color was making him practically run away from it if he were to stare more than a few seconds at it.

It had been hard and Jin had had to learn how to deal with Kazuya’s every whim - to understand why he was so scared of even drinking water had lasted the most though and it had taken him some time to see that the boy was associating every drink with alcohol, one of the reasons - along with drugs - that had ruined his life. He was also cute when he was asking what was a mother or what was their role in life. Jin had a very pleasant memory of the day when Kazuya had seen a pregnant woman and he had explained to him that there was a child inside her belly, only to have the younger one ask where did babies come from.

Jin had taken upon the responsibility to show him himself.

But now… now five years had passed and everything seemed to have quieted down. Kazuya had gone back to normal even if he still couldn’t recall his past, but the fact that he was able to remember the last five years seemed to have given him some kind of confidence and had made him return to the same playful and naughty boy that Jin had fallen in love with. Their relationship was as normal as it could be - the older one still carried in his heart the first time Kazuya had told him that he loved him, being now absolutely sure that he wasn’t doing it because he was scared of Jin. No, he had given up at the underground world as he had promised to Kazuya and hadn’t had anything to do with illegal stuff and that was what made everything more exciting - Kazuya really loved him!!

Smiling to himself, Jin was happy to go back home at their apartment, humming a song that he had heard at work. He had gotten himself another job a month ago - his temper was still the same and he wasn’t able to keep a job more than a few months, but it was alright because it had never escaladed to anything bigger than a small fight and a few yells as Jin would throw a few things and storm out of the store. This time, he was working at a music store and he was selling CDs which was a more pleasant job than the last one he had had at a butchery.

Still whistling, Jin opened the door and entered the apartment, cheerfully announcing - “I’m home!!” - to an empty house as he knew that Kazuya was still at his job, working as a sales-person in a lingerie department. Needless to say how horny only the thought of it had made Jin and that he had not let the younger one leave bed for three days.

He put the groceries on the table from the kitchen and turned left to go to the bathroom to take a shower when something caught his attention - was there someone in their bedroom? He turned his whole attention to the room and stepped slowly, carefully opening the door and feeling his heart stopping in his ribs as he could spot a person sitting on the bed, but then he calmed down in the next second as he noticed that it was just his lover.

“Kazuya?” Jin called, getting closer to the younger one. “What are you doing home? You were supposed to come in two hours.” He added as he stopped in front of the other one, leaning down to look into his eyes as Kazuya had his head fallen down. Had something happened?

Jin’s image flickered in front of Kazuya’s empty eyes and before any of them could realize what had happened, the shiny blade of the kitchen knife was already cutting through the material, through the skin and flesh, red soaking Kazuya’s sight. He let go of the knife and pulled himself up on the bed, scared whimpers leaving his lips as he kept looking at Jin - “I remember, I remember.” He said and then saw his hands bloodied. “You… I… no, Jin.” He went back to his lover, grabbing his face and tainting it with blood. “I’m sorry, it’s the only way.”

Jin could only look at Kazuya, making great efforts to stand on his own two feet. He had been careless, he hadn’t been paying attention and the blade had cut deep as the younger one had used all of his strength to stab him, too much blood already dripping from his wound. He felt hurt, he felt betrayed, he had thought that they had put everything behind and that they would be able to live together and happy from now on.

The saddest part was that he wasn’t mad, no. Jin just smiled bitterly as he fell to the ground on his knees, his right hand covering his wound in a weak attempt to stop the blood from dripping. “I know.” He said with a weak voice, realizing that he didn’t blame Kazuya - he couldn’t.

And he had expected this to happen one day.

“We did too many bad things.” Kazuya said with an agitated tone, his eyes never leaving Jin and wanting him to understand. The memories had come to him in a flash, overwhelming him, making him recall every detail of his whole life before he had met Jin and after they had clashed. “We’re not innocent. We have to die, Jin.” He continued, shaking his head as there were too many deaths on his memory and conscience. And one was by his own hands. “I love you, but… we can’t live.”

Jin would have laughed if he had been able to, but instead he settled for a bitter smile as he let himself fall even more, falling into Kazuya’s arms who was now standing crouched on the floor and was waiting for him with his open arms, tears still falling from his eyes. Jin coughed and tried to speak, finding it impossible for a moment before he finally managed to open his mouth. “You’re right.” He agreed with Kazuya, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, trying to control his heart which had started beating like crazy in front of death - the younger one had been serious and even if it wasn’t a fatal wound, it hurt like hell and too much bleeding would cause his death eventually, Jin was sure even without looking - the breath of death was too cold and too close. “I’m not innocent at all and I should have died a long time ago.” He admitted, opening his eyes to look at Kazuya with the most honest expression he had ever shown - “But not you.” Jin added, struggling to lift his hand and softly brush his fingers against the younger one’s cheek.

Kazuya began sobbing as his hand found Jin’s and he leaned into their entwined hands, pressing kisses on Jin’s palm. “No.” He said with a small and guilty voice. “I don’t deserve to live either. I lost the right a long time ago and… I couldn’t live without you, not anymore.” He added and continued to cry, looking at Jin and at the way he was bleeding because of him. “I’m sorry, Jin - please… forgive me.” Kazuya whined, begging for forgiveness even if he didn’t have the right to do it anymore. But he needed it right now, he really did.

“Kazuya…” Jin said with a gentle voice, the same one that had been taking care of Kazuya for the past few years, “you’re right.” He confirmed and tightened a bit his grip on the younger one’s hand as he smiled a bit. “And you did the right thing, there’s nothing to apologize for.” Jin confessed, taking another deep breath as he felt the pain dulling it a little - or maybe he was getting used to it, he couldn’t be sure. He only knew that it was bearable in that moment and that he wanted to talk - he had a lot of things to say and he had waited five years for them. “I’ve destroyed your life, but I had only become aware of that too late and I couldn’t help you anymore.” The older one admitted and as he closed his eyes for a moment, Kazuya’s smile came back into his mind. “I’m sorry, please forgive me,” Jin said what he had been meaning to say for the past five years, but hadn’t been able to, “forgive me.” He added once more with a definite sob to his voice, looking intently into his lover's eyes.

Crying, Kazuya leaned and kissed Jin on the lips, maybe for the first time realizing the consequences of his actions, but he couldn’t turn back time. And that was why this was their last kiss, their last chance to feel one another before leaving this world together - because Kazuya wouldn’t live without Jin no matter what. He had gotten addicted to him and his dependence on him won’t let him breathe. “You were the only one to show me love.” Kazuya said to the other one as he pulled back, looking with teary eyes at the other one. He knew Jin was going to die and he will follow him, but was it wrong that he didn’t regret anything? “You destroyed me, but you built me back. We’re so bad together, Jin.” A sad smile made way through his tears as he desperately pressed his lips against Jin’s again.

Had they met in a different life, maybe they would have lived happily ever after.

Jin smiled too, flashbacks from their life together coming back to him, and he couldn’t help but be happy that the last thing he was thinking of on the verge of dying was still his beautiful and addictive Kazuya. “I still remember that day when we first met.” He confessed and the smile widened a bit on his lips as he settled better into Kazuya’s arms, answering to his kisses and wanting to feel more of him. They looked like they were just talking and if you ignored the blood that was continuing to spread around them and that was threatening to pull Jin into nothingness as well as Kazuya’s tears and Jin’s broken pieces of heart, maybe one could think that they were normal - that they had been at some point. “You were so damn beautiful and smug. I thought that I had to have you since the first moment I laid my eyes on you.” Jin confessed and the smile on his lips widened a bit more as he recalled Kazuya’s first words said to him -

“Wanna have sex?”

“And you were so arrogant, thinking the world belonged to you.” Kazuya chuckled brokenly as he touched Jin’s cheek. He was cruel, he could save Jin by calling an ambulance and then continue their lives in US, instead he was sitting there, letting him bleed to death. “I remember you being angry before I came to you. I thought I could loosen you a bit, but I didn’t realize I’d get myself a stalker.” He added and a faded smile appeared on his lips. “I didn’t realize I’d end up loving the crazy one-night-stand I let him do me for drugs.” He added sadly, a light sigh escaping his lips. “Do you regret meeting me, Jin?”

“Never.” The answer was immediate and the look from Jin’s eyes intensified. But then it suddenly disappeared and Jin closed his eyes, a bitter smile appearing again on this lips. “Maybe.” He confessed with a grave tone, realizing only in that moment that maybe it would have been better if they had never met - then Kazuya wouldn’t have been hurt that much. “You weren’t supposed to get this close.” Jin laughed with a hollow voice and brought his arm to settle on his eyes, wincing a bit as the pain came back for the few moments that he moved.

“No, we weren’t supposed to get this close.” Kazuya said and his eyes fleetingly went to the bleeding wound, wondering why he couldn’t bring himself to save Jin. “But we did because we were the same and we needed this closeness. As crazy, obsessive it had gotten.” He continued and pressed his lips on Jin’s forehead. “We’re both mad, Jin. Sleeping with family, taking lives without remorse and falling in love with one another… this is madness, baby.”

“Hayato…” Jin said his name and stopped for a moment, lowering his hand from his eyes and looking once more into Kazuya’s brown orbs that had kept him mesmerized for so long. “I’m sorry for not telling you the truth about him.” he said, averting his gaze from the younger one for a moment before he looked back at his lover once more. “I’m sorry for deceiving you like this.” Jin confessed and regret and pain were the only things that you could see in that moment in the darkness of his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me about him?” Kazuya asked after a few moments of silence, briefly thinking that he would have wanted to know about Hayato from Jin, that he would have preferred finding out from him and not from a drawer or Shige.

“Why didn’t you tell me about your mother?” Jin asked back and released a sigh as he realized that it was already too late for these questions. Maybe not for the answers too though. “Hayato was everything for me and I know that I’ve been too overprotective over him, but I couldn’t help it. He was my baby brother and he was in trouble so I had to help him.”

“You killed him.” Kazuya replied with a light reprimanding tone. “That’s not helping.” He added, thinking that he had done the same to his father. But he had never wished to help his father, he had wished to help himself, to ease his own conscience, to make himself more suitable for his lover’s world. But he had done too much and now it was all coming back to him.

The bitter smile was back on Jin’s lips. “I didn’t kill him.” he confessed and Kazuya frowned in surprise as this hadn't been the thing he had expected to hear in that moment. “What you’ve read and heard, it’s all true.” He then added as he looked blankly in front of him, the expression from his face betraying the fact that he was seeing his past with Hayato once again. “I loved him, he loved me too, but he wanted to leave me. Said that I was too crazy and that he wanted to go back to that fucking Ryu.” Jin’s voice changed at the mention of the name that had ruined everything between his brother and him. “I tried to stop him, to tell him that he was being cheated on, but he didn’t believe me and said that I was delusional. When I threatened to do something to Ryu, he snapped and pulled out his gun. We fought and…” Jin trailed off, feeling that it wasn’t necessary to say the end too as it was already obvious from the way his body was starting to shake.

Kazuya listened with apprehension every word of Jin’s, noticing each of his emotion, each of his layers peeling off with this story, and realizing - Ryu was the reason that Jin had become so possessive and because he had been betrayed once, he hadn’t wanted to be left alone again and have the same tragedy happen twice. So he had pursued every person that had gotten too close to Kazuya, every time believing that he could be another Ryu which meant that the most dangerous person for Jin had always been Koki - and he had let him alone and alive because Kazuya cared about him, Jin risking what he had afraid of the most because he truly loved the younger one.

It was like finally seeing what Jin had been protecting all the time, what he had refused Kazuya to see for such a long time. And he felt oddly sad because it had not been him to bring all of these emotions out, it had been Hayato, someone who had died a long time ago, someone he didn’t even know. “Jin… why didn’t you let him go if you loved him?” Kazuya asked and pressed his cheek to Jin’s forehead. “Were you this afraid of being left?” He sighed and smiled bitterly - he had been wrong, he and Jin were different. While Jin had feared being left alone, Kazuya feared drawing attention too much on him -that was why they were drawn together. What you fear you can’t escape.

“I…” Jin stopped himself, realizing that even he didn’t know the answer to Kazuya’s last question. “Ryu was taking advantage of him.” he confessed and his eyes found the younger one’s again as he continued - “He had approached Hayato for different reasons and… he didn’t love him. He would have hurt him in the end, but I couldn’t tell him the truth because then Hayato would have been hurt and I thought it would just be fine for him to hate me for not letting them be together.” He then explained and laughed bitterly. “I didn’t want to hurt him, but I ended up killing him.” he said. “The gun went off and I…”

It was the first time Jin was expressing such insecurity and regret, making Kazuya wonder why had it been this hard for Jin to be like this in their relationship too. Did things really have to get to such point? “Why didn’t you tell me all this sooner? Why didn’t you let me in your life like I let you into mine?” He asked with a disappointed tone, sighing deeply. “You made the same mistake with me as you did with Hayato. You should have told him the truth…”

“I wanted to.” Jin confessed. “And I wanted to tell you too, after we would be starting our new life together. But then you couldn’t remember anything and I…” he stopped for maybe the umpteenth time that day and looked insecurely at his lover. “I took advantage.” He confessed, taking a deep breath before continuing - “You sometimes had that look in your face, that one that defied me and that said that you didn’t need me as much as I needed you. But when you didn’t know anything anymore, you were so clingy to me so much that I…”

Once more, Kazuya didn’t wait for Jin to continue as it was clear that he wasn’t going to do it. “Sometimes, when I needed you, I didn’t tell. I didn’t want to be too dependent on you, yet…” A faded smile grazed Kazuya’s lips, thinking that no matter how much he had defied Jin, he had come back to him one way or another. “I guess I get easily addicted.” he laughed a little and somehow shook Jin’s body, making him moan in pain, reminding him that his lover still had a wound and if he didn’t do anything… he’d lose him.

“You had me from the first day.” Jin confessed, his eyes looking into Kazuya’s brown orbs with that warm and loving sparkle that the younger one had grown used to in the last five years. “You were cunning and deceiving and I wanted more of you. Then I met you again and you left me hanging, it made me want you even more.” He recalled, vividly feeling that sensation of excitement passing through him as if he was reliving those moments. “And I completely fell in love when you stood by my side and didn’t abandon me when I was in danger.” Jin continued and proceeded to laugh, remembering how Kazuya had barged into that storehouse, wanting to save him even if Jin himself couldn’t. “You were the only one to actually care without having an ulterior reason.” He admitted sadly, thinking that not even Hayato had done it - and maybe Kazuya neither or, at least, not at the time.

Tears gathered once more in Kazuya’s eyes as he listened to Jin’s words and wondering again why were they this wrong - why hadn’t they found another solution. “Jin…” He whined and bit his lower lip, insecure and fearful of his actions. “We need to die, right?” He asked the other one as if he didn’t know what to do anymore, like he was a lost child asking for help.

Jin laughed a bit. “I would rather not die,” he confessed, “but…” then he trailed off and lifted his hand to Kazuya’s cheek once more, caressing it gently and pushing away a few locks of hair before he carefully wiped the younger one’s tears. “I came to know you in a totally different way these past five years.” He then added and smiled happily as he recalled every moment spent with Kazuya. The boy was entirely different from what he had known until that point. Kazuya was gentle and shy and very caring, always looking out for the others and thinking about others’ own good before his own. Jin had been surprised at this huge change, but then he had realized that this was the real Kazuya, the one without the painful memories to teach him that life was harsh and cruel, the one that he would have been if his mother hadn’t abused him.

And definitely not the one suited for Jin’s life as he had wanted to believe.

He had understood too late why had Kazuya insisted so much for him to leave his life and start a new one along with him. After surpassing his past and getting rid of his drug addiction, Kazuya had probably reverted a bit to the sweet boy he had used to be before his mother had decided to use him and that naïve and trusting youngster that wanted to believe that everything was pink and that they could live happily ever after. And in the end, he had never been fit for Jin as his lover.

“And I know that you wouldn’t be able to live with me when you know all that I’ve done.” Jin continued, closing his eyes to lie in peace into Kazuya’s arms. “I just want you to be happy and to live your life like I never existed.” He then asked and bit his lower lip before he fearfully opened his eyes again - “And maybe to understand me, if you can.”

“I understand you.” Kazuya said with a crying voice, realizing again the consequences of his actions. “But I can’t go on without you. This morning… when the memories came back, I had thought of a solution and this was the only one.” He confessed with a sad tone, lowering his head and letting it lean against Jin’s weak shoulder. “We cannot live together, but we cannot live without each other. There’s no life for me without you.”

“I didn’t kill Pi.” Jin suddenly confessed, wanting to clear out everything before he would take his last breath. The words were coming out harder and harder and as the images with him pulling Yamapi into his arms and taking him to a doctor to take care of him and his wounds came to him, Jin started breathing even harder, worried for the friend that he had never meant to kill. “And I didn’t kill Shige either.” He then added, thinking that he had never had this intention as he had known all along what the other one wanted and how badly had Ryu fooled him.

Jin had to admit that he had been surprised when Ryu had come to face him after Hayato’s death, making him even more suspicious about his reasons to get this close to his brother. From all he had known, they had met in high school and Ryu had betrayed all of his friends, but had come back suddenly and had asked for forgiveness. It had seemed strange for Jin, but not for his brother who had trusted him and seemed to have accepted him back. He had still done some research on the boy and had found out that he had been hired to get close to Jin and only a stupid mistake had brought him close to Jin’s brother.

Even now, he had kept Shige hooked up on his lies for the hope that someday he’ll be able to complete his mission - even if Jin had kindly eliminated his bosses, but Ryu had told him once that it was a matter of pride.

“And I did all that you asked, I really tried.” Jin added, not being able to think of anything else that Kazuya had wanted from him and he hadn’t said anything about it. “So ask me. Anything that you want to know.”

The question flew out of Kazuya’s mouth before he could think it through - “Why didn’t you ever listen to my requests not to kill others or when you did, you let me believe that you still hadn’t?” He asked and his voice quivered a little, feeling his heart strangely lighter after hearing that Yamapi and Shige were alright. But he was sure that Hiroki wasn’t.

“You ask tough questions.” Jin laughed and started to cough soon after, as the pain was starting to become again unbearable and his eyes were closing against his will - he wasn’t going to live much longer. “I was too enraged not to kill your mother and Uchi for what they had done to you, I couldn’t forgive them even if you did.” He confessed, remembering how he had come back for each one of them and had killed them with his own hands, making them ask for forgiveness from Kazuya before they had closed their eyes for eternity.

Kazuya sighed - “You saved me, Jin.” He whispered and pressed his lips over his lover’s, feeling his resolve slowly dissolving. These five years had been bliss and despite having his memories back, Kazuya couldn’t say that he and Jin weren’t happy. They had been happy, they had been able to build a life where there hadn’t been crimes, drugs or prostitution involved - they had had a piece of heaven after the hell in their lives. And he had now soiled the heaven.

“You were the one to save me.” Jin admitted and closed his eyes with a tired movement, his hand falling from Kazuya’s cheek. “I was lost and you found me. You taught me what it really means to love.” He said and his lips curled up into a tiny smile. Because Hayato had indeed been different, but Jin’s love for his brother and his love for Kazuya were completely different and they held a different meaning. He may have slept with Hayato and he had been important in his life, but Jin had been the one to kill him - by accident, but still. And after that, he had been able to move on and to live his life, but Jin had been aware from the beginning that he could never kill Kazuya and that he would die without him. Kazuya had changed him, he had made him realize where he had been wrong and while nursing him back to reality and taking care of him, Jin had understood what was wrong between them - and had wanted to change his life to become the lover that Kazuya wanted.

Maybe it was too late.

“I love you, Jin.” Kazuya whispered, grabbing Jin’s hand and squeezing it gently, wanting the other one to react to his touch. “I didn’t say it too often, but I do love you…” He continued, gathering his lover in his arms, feeling how the man was slipping away because of him. And he still hadn’t decided whether to give them both a chance or to simply die together.

Jin’s smile widened a bit more. “I love you too.” He confessed with a sad, but content voice in the same time, making it sound a bit weird and inappropriate. “And I’ll love you forever…” he trailed off, trying hard to hold onto the last bit of consciousness that he had. “So… be happy…” he demanded, his chest rising and falling slower than ever until the soft breaths seemed to stop and his head fell to one side, his eyes still closed and the smile still on his lips.

Kazuya stood still with shock as he looked at the pale face of Jin before panic rose in his chest and he shook his lover to make him open his eyes - “Jin!” He called out his name, his hands trembling on the still warm body of the other one. “Jin, please… I’m scared without you.” Kazuya started to cry again, holding Jin tightly in his arms, the reality of his crime hitting him like a knife’s blade. His eyes looked up and saw the crime’s weapon lying innocently on the bed, tainted with his lover’s blood and his own sin. He stretched his hand for it and didn’t reach the knife, he still didn’t want to let go of Jin, he couldn’t - not yet. “I’m sorry.” Kazuya whispered again, starting to rock back and forth while holding Jin in his arms. “I wanted us to be happy, I only wanted us to be together…”

Kazuya stood like that for a few moments, crying and apologizing for not trying more, for not being a better lover, for not having been like Jin would have wanted. Then maybe they wouldn’t have faced such problems, they wouldn’t have been in this point - he wouldn’t have thought they needed to die in order to be happy.

In the end, he dragged Jin with him, holding his body with one arm while the other stretched to reach for the knife until he finally got a hold of its handle.

“I’m freeing us now, wait for me.”

*

“After five years, the mystery surrounding the kidnapping of Kamenashi Kazuya is finally solved. He had been found this afternoon in an apartment from San Francisco, bleeding to death and next to the man who had been suspected to have kidnapped him from the house of his parents, Akanishi Jin.”

Koki’s cup of coffee fell from his hands at the sudden news and he was left standing in front of the TV, watching the woman as she continued to speak about someone whom he had thought dead for more than five years. He had talked to the police back then and had almost begged them to try more and find Kazuya because he was in danger of being killed by that madman, but they had said that there was nothing more they could do and had given up at the case eventually.

Stupid humans. It was only their fault that it had gotten to this and as he continued to watch the news, Koki could only pray that Kazuya had been saved from that lunatic, but what came shocked him even more -

“They were both in a critical condition and had been rushed to the hospital after a phone call had alerted the police of their whereabouts. Both the victim and the culprit had been taken to intensive care, but the doctors had declared that it had been too late and they had died at ten minutes after arriving to the hospital.”

Koki fell on the floor, trembling and feeling how the tears were threatening to fall from his eyes. How could this have happened? He had feared that Jin will kill Kazuya at some point, but after not finding out anything about them for so long, he had allowed a tiny hope to be born that Kazuya was still alive and that Jin actually loved him and wouldn’t harm him for anything in the world.

“Koki?”

He had even thought at some point that he really was in love with Kazuya. Jin’s words had kept circling around in his head for months after the first time he had uttered them and he had managed to make him ask himself why he was doing all of that for just a friend. After all, he had even been willing to give himself to another man to save Kazuya and not everyone would do something like that for just a friend, but he had been wrong in the end and he had learned after that what was true love.

“The police had thought this to be the end of the case, but another shock had proved them wrong as the bodies of the two Japanese men that had been living in San Francisco for the past five years had suddenly disappeared. The police are doing their best to find them, but…”

The woman trailed off in Koki’s mind as Kazuya’s picture appeared on the screen, the same dazzling and loving smile that he had always known looking back at him as if he had turned back into time.

“Honey, do you know this person? His wife asked and Koki sniffed a bit, stopping a sob from coming out as he looked up with teary eyes at the only person that mattered in that moment in his life.

“He was my best friend.”

*

“Do you love me?”

“Yes.”

“Are you happy with me?”

“Yes.”

“Please forgive me, Kazuya, for everything that I’ve done.”

Kazuya smiles and lifts his hand to gently cup Jin’s cheek, placing a soft kiss over his trembling lips. “I love you.” He whispers in the silence of the night. “And I couldn’t be myself without you, so… it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m happy, you’re happy.”

Jin smiles back and lifts his eyes to meet the ones of his lover.

“And our addictive obsession is finally over.”