I'm an outlier and should not be counted
I've always spent my life with one foot in the door of one thing and one foot in the door of another in an abstract way. Being a part of worlds and belonging to neither. Because of this I don't have experiences and preferences like other people do and so I spent my life in the belief that X doesn't apply to me or that I don't belong in Y and mostly always kinda just.. making my own place for myself. And I don't necessarily dislike it, I don't pine for the hope that I'll find the perfect 'label' for me, in some ways I like being an outlier because it means my perception is different and it's good to have different perceptions, but sometimes, that's an awfully lonely position to be in.
When people bring up topics with the intent to include the group, either by polling their experiences ('Has anyone ever experienced this?') or by making a statement that's ('Shoutout to everyone that is this and turned out doing that!') intended to rally the like-experiences I'm so often in this place of 'almost but not quite' and I don't know if that different way of experiencing or the result of, is part of the conversation. But... I kinda want that outlier experience of mine to be accounted for because maybe someone else is like that? So there's this thought that goes through my head 'do I speak up to be accounted for this experience that isn't what others experience or do I keep my mouth shut and just let the people in the clearly defined groups have their comradery or commiseration or whatever the tone of the context is.' More often than not, I just let people rant or rave about the topic in their agreement and acknowledge I wasn't 'invited' to the conversation by way of not having the same experience. (and as a sidenote, I'm very well aware of the difference where an outlier/out-group experience/input isn't helpful, I take no offense to that, that's not what I'm referring to. I'm referring to open-ended topics/discussions/polling that doesn't inherently exclude something.)
Sometimes I do speak up, I do make the comment because I feel like maybe it's important to contribute to the conversation or the topic felt open enough that me saying something wouldn't sound self-serving or de-railing. And I get some sort of remark around 'I guess you're just an exception' in so many different words or phrases. Sometimes it can be derisive, sometimes it can be friendly but... what do I even say to that?
Should I stop? Should I no longer throw in my perception/experiences? If I'm an outlier does that mean I'm not part of the conversation? Am I exempt from the conversation by default and other conversations where I am the exception, going forward? It's more confusing in spaces where it's light-hearted not derisive because if it's derisive I'll just shut up and store that knowledge that it's not welcome away for future similar experiences. But when it's friendly 'teasing' I laugh it off but like.. what else can I do? No one says anything else to follow it up that they want to hear about my exception/experience so like.. I don't. And I go back to hesitating if I should speak up again even in places where it's supposed to be friendly because I was never given any further indication that I should say anything.
But at the end of it all, whether I say something or don't say anything at all, the fact that I have this whole conflict in my head at all really just makes me feel that very specific kind of alone, all over again.
If it's not been obvious enough to people that know me, or even so far in this journal, this is a big reasons why Half-Breeds resonate with me. They're these in the middle of two worlds and belonging to neither. Outlier experiences that don't fit in any one experience that they originated from. Heck they might not even fit with other half-breeds of the same type because of the range of experiences is so varied. It's why the only things I can relate to are the things I make myself, because no one else is going to be able to cover the niche experiences and feelings I have, I can't trust them to. I can only rely on myself to represent the things I feel.
And the thing of it is, it's not that I want any kind of box or label to belong to. I just.. want to be accounted for. Even if I'm the only one, and there's no word or label for it, it's nice to be accounted for, acknowledged, or heard.
This entry was originally posted at https://armaina.dreamwidth.org/779634.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
When people bring up topics with the intent to include the group, either by polling their experiences ('Has anyone ever experienced this?') or by making a statement that's ('Shoutout to everyone that is this and turned out doing that!') intended to rally the like-experiences I'm so often in this place of 'almost but not quite' and I don't know if that different way of experiencing or the result of, is part of the conversation. But... I kinda want that outlier experience of mine to be accounted for because maybe someone else is like that? So there's this thought that goes through my head 'do I speak up to be accounted for this experience that isn't what others experience or do I keep my mouth shut and just let the people in the clearly defined groups have their comradery or commiseration or whatever the tone of the context is.' More often than not, I just let people rant or rave about the topic in their agreement and acknowledge I wasn't 'invited' to the conversation by way of not having the same experience. (and as a sidenote, I'm very well aware of the difference where an outlier/out-group experience/input isn't helpful, I take no offense to that, that's not what I'm referring to. I'm referring to open-ended topics/discussions/polling that doesn't inherently exclude something.)
Sometimes I do speak up, I do make the comment because I feel like maybe it's important to contribute to the conversation or the topic felt open enough that me saying something wouldn't sound self-serving or de-railing. And I get some sort of remark around 'I guess you're just an exception' in so many different words or phrases. Sometimes it can be derisive, sometimes it can be friendly but... what do I even say to that?
Should I stop? Should I no longer throw in my perception/experiences? If I'm an outlier does that mean I'm not part of the conversation? Am I exempt from the conversation by default and other conversations where I am the exception, going forward? It's more confusing in spaces where it's light-hearted not derisive because if it's derisive I'll just shut up and store that knowledge that it's not welcome away for future similar experiences. But when it's friendly 'teasing' I laugh it off but like.. what else can I do? No one says anything else to follow it up that they want to hear about my exception/experience so like.. I don't. And I go back to hesitating if I should speak up again even in places where it's supposed to be friendly because I was never given any further indication that I should say anything.
But at the end of it all, whether I say something or don't say anything at all, the fact that I have this whole conflict in my head at all really just makes me feel that very specific kind of alone, all over again.
If it's not been obvious enough to people that know me, or even so far in this journal, this is a big reasons why Half-Breeds resonate with me. They're these in the middle of two worlds and belonging to neither. Outlier experiences that don't fit in any one experience that they originated from. Heck they might not even fit with other half-breeds of the same type because of the range of experiences is so varied. It's why the only things I can relate to are the things I make myself, because no one else is going to be able to cover the niche experiences and feelings I have, I can't trust them to. I can only rely on myself to represent the things I feel.
And the thing of it is, it's not that I want any kind of box or label to belong to. I just.. want to be accounted for. Even if I'm the only one, and there's no word or label for it, it's nice to be accounted for, acknowledged, or heard.
This entry was originally posted at https://armaina.dreamwidth.org/779634.html. Please comment there using OpenID.