[Gundam 00] The Subtle Grace of Gravity (Arc 9)
Title: The Subtle Grace of Gravity
→ Arc 1: Waking
→ Arc 2: Return
→ Arc 3: Learning
→ Arc 4: Surprise
→ Arc 5: Intimacy
→ Arc 6: Sentiment
→ Arc 7: Changes
→ Arc 8: Damage
→ Arc 9: Beginnings
Fandom: Gundam 00
Pairing: Lockon (Neil)/Tieria.
Rating: NC-17 (PG in this part)
Wordcount: 4,888 (ninth part)
Notes: Conclusion. An index post with commentary will be up shortly.
Summary: With some help from the ones who care about him, Lockon finally makes a decision. Took him long enough.
What would have been winter down on Earth's northern hemisphere was winding to a slow close. Humans considered it important to mark such things, but Tieria did not know how to do so, save to think: I have been with Lockon, on this station, for ten months now. We first kissed four months ago. I first shared a bed with him over three months ago. He was growing accustomed to these things: able to accept that they might not last, but that they were precious while they did. It was a strange feeling, but a satisfying one. He wondered what had changed, and he wasn't sure, but every time he tried to think about it, all he could remember was the startled look on Lockon's face in response to that Thank you, and the warm feeling it had drawn up around his chest.
Sometime when the month of February was near its end, Tieria noticed that Lockon had sent a message out toward the Ptolemaios where it traveled closer and closer to Jupiter. He could have asked Tieria to use his instantaneous connection to Setsuna through quantum brain waves, but he did not. Tieria thought he might know the reason for both the message and the need for privacy, but he kept silent on the topic for now.
* * *
For the first time since he'd come to stay in the lunar complex, Lockon really began to note the passing of time. It wasn't exactly a bad thing; it wasn't precisely a good thing either. It wasn't about the dates, either. His shared birthday was approaching; he'd sent a message to his brother about it, a cheerful happy birthday that he wasn't sure he felt. It was just what he needed to say to Lyle--but he was more aware of the gap there than before. That was part of the way he'd started to notice time. Things had changed.
The other part was all Tieria. Every day meant he had less to teach Tieria. Every day meant he had less reason for staying here, and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. There were a lot of things he no longer knew how to feel about. It had been so much easier in the past, when he'd never spared time for the thought that maybe he should feel otherwise. There'd been no need for him to feel anything, save for all that old grief and rage to drive him onwards. But now he had nothing to be driven to, and Tieria still expected him to be a whole person. No: that wasn't it. Tieria thought he was a whole person.
The thought was terrifying. At the same time, there was something compelling about it. Now that Tieria had spoken it to him in such earnest tones, he couldn't turn away from it anymore. Not unless he turned away from Tieria as well. And he didn't want to turn away from Tieria. He wanted to keep guiding him, even though now Tieria could easily be the guide himself. He wanted, selfishly, to continue being someone important to him.
He sought Tieria out when their schedules coincided. That was nothing new, he told himself. He'd been doing it before. But he'd been doing it before because it was part of teaching Tieria about romance and being with your partner. Now he just wanted to be with Tieria, even as he was a little afraid to. He wasn't sure he could handle hearing more about how important he was.
They were testing the artificial gravity the day it happened. Most parts of the moonbase would remain in lunar gravity at most hours, but for health reasons, the exercise rooms at the very least needed adjustable gravity. It was far more sophisticated than the simple low-gravity systems Lockon remembered from on board the Ptolemy. Unfortunately, that also meant they had far more potential to go wrong. When the gravity in the empty room Lockon was testing in suddenly increased, then shut off entirely, he was taken off guard.
In short, he might have flailed a bit. He'd gotten used to low gravity, and he'd always preferred some gravity. He hadn't been in zero-g for a while. So he found himself fumbling against a wall, struggling to regain his balance. That wasn't good, he realized immediately. Tieria would see.
Sure enough, in a split-second Tieria's voice sounded from all around him. "Lockon, remain calm. I'll fix the gravity immediately."
"Hey, hey, I'm calm," Lockon started to protest. It was true--he was just a little startled, that was all. "You worry too much--" And that was when the moon's gravity snapped back into place in the empty room. Lockon drifted to the floor, landing gently on his knees.
He wasn't sure how long it was before he looked up (sometimes, time still eluded him, here in this quiet place). But when he did, Tieria was standing in the doorway. "I worry exactly as much as I need to about you," he said, looking very serious. "Sometimes, it's a great deal. I was unaware you had such problems with zero gravity."
Lockon got to his feet. "It's been a while," he said. "Hey, Tieria, don't tell me you're scolding me." He didn't really think Tieria was--but these days, it was harder to be as sure as he'd once been.
"I don't mean it as an insult," Tieria said quickly. "Your situation is understandable. And--" He took a slow step closer. "It doesn't bother me, having another small way in which I may protect you."
There it was again, that strange side of Tieria that Lockon could no longer ignore. He didn't know what to say to that. He could no longer dismiss it as Tieria being mistaken in who he'd given his devotion. Tieria had been too sincere that night when he'd taken Lockon's hands in his.
Lockon had one course of action left to him: he could change the subject. "So there are still some ways I'm not so good at space," he said. "What about you, Tieria?"
"Have you forgotten?" Tieria said, tilting his head a little in surprise. "I was made for this environment."
"I'm just wondering," Lockon said, "if there's an old Earth custom or two that might still take you by surprise. You've had a while to learn, after all."
"I'm sure there are still some--" Tieria began, but he didn't get a chance to say more, because that was when Lockon put his plan into action.
It wasn't a plan, really; that was what was unusual about it. He didn't wait beforehand to let all the little calculations finish running at the back of his head: How will this affect him, or What will this teach him, or even What good will this do him. He just thought that he wanted to see Tieria's reaction, and he darted forward and started to tickle Tieria's sides.
Tieria convulsed. For a moment, Lockon almost drew back. He couldn't be sure that Tieria wouldn't be more affected than most, after all, and it could be dangerous. If sex for the first time had overloaded Tieria's brain and knocked him back into Veda, then it was just possible tickling might do something unpleasant too. Lockon paused for a second; he felt one hand instinctively lifting to Tieria's shoulder, just to make sure everything was okay.
And that was when Tieria looked up, hopelessly flushed and stifling giggles. "Lockon, is this truly necessary?" He wasn't hurt at all.
"Since it turns out you're ticklish," Lockon assured him, "it's definitely necessary to find out just how much." He started again--
--and a second later, gravity abruptly cut out again. Lockon fumbled and sent the two of them both tumbling for a wall. "Hey, hey! Did something go wrong with the systems again?"
"No," Tieria said. "The systems are in perfect condition. I was merely retaliating."
Lockon blinked. "Tieria," he said.
"What is it?" Tieria didn't turn the gravity back on, but suddenly his voice was soft, his gaze wondering.
Lockon smiled. "You've really learned a lot." And yet, he knew, there would always be something more he could teach Tieria. He might know all the important things, he might not need Lockon anymore, but until today, until just now, he'd never even been tickled. That was proof enough it wasn't so bad for Lockon to keep teaching him. Without thinking about it for once, Lockon leaned forward to kiss him.
A strange warmth followed. He thought, suddenly, that he liked this. He liked being able to just care for someone instead of having to fight. He liked how much he'd always have to teach Tieria. He liked Tieria, and he wanted to stay here with him.
Memories hit him like a physical blow, and he flinched back. Debris and dead bodies and the feeling of the world going out from under him: how could he ever walk away from that? The way his brother looked now, not happy but instead determined: how could he let himself be happy to be alive in the face of that?
"Lockon--" It was Tieria's voice, the same voice that had spoken to him of how important he was not so long ago. Lockon looked up, not comprehending the sudden urgent tone in Tieria's voice. "Are you all right?"
The gravity was on again. "I'm fine," he told Tieria, even though he wasn't, because he'd been doing that for a long time now and there was no reason to stop. "I just remembered some things, that's all." He started to pull Tieria close to him. That was one surefire way to get him to stop asking questions about whether Lockon was fine or not. This time, for once, Tieria resisted briefly, frowning a little, and with some dismay, Lockon started to let go. Then Tieria mercifully changed his mind and slid quietly into Lockon's arms. Lockon started to stroke his hair--
--and Tieria jerked away. Alarmed, Lockon let him go. "Did I do something wrong," he began, but then he stopped. Tieria's eyes glowed with that rainbow iridescence. He hadn't needed it to issue simple commands to Veda for some time now, but it was still necessary for more complex communications. "What's going on?"
"It's Setsuna," Tieria murmured, surprise evident even in the softness of his voice now. "He's contacted me. He wants to tell you something--no, the entire crew of the Ptolemaios wishes to tell you something."
Lockon stared. Theoretically, of course, he'd known it was possible, but this was the first time Setsuna had used his Innovator abilities to contact them this way. "Put him through," he said. "It must be important."
A screen flickered into existence on one of the blank walls of the room. Setsuna's face looked out of it, his eyes changed and golden. He took in the two of them standing there, still just a little too close together, without blinking, but Lockon had the sudden feeling he knew what it meant...and that he would leave it to them to tell anyone else. Lockon wasn't sure how to feel about that.
He didn't have time to wonder, either, because in a moment, Setsuna spoke. "Happy birthday, Lockon Stratos," he said. "All of us are glad you are here to see it."
* * *
Tieria and Lockon worked together to fix the last systems on the Endymion. The stealth systems had been easy enough to fix--it was the same technology that, on the Menae, had spirited Lockon around the world unseen. But somehow, the life support systems gave them trouble. They were modeled after the life support systems in the lunar complex, and Tieria still didn't entirely understand how those worked. He only knew that they allowed him and Lockon to stay there together, and he was grateful for that. He also knew that someday they'd allow an entire group of people to stay here, to form a community. He was grateful for that, too. It didn't matter that he didn't entirely understand the details, because someday he would, and even before then, he could continue helping people. For now, he helped Lockon, and together they worked to restore the moonbase to its original intentions.
Of course, Lockon knew nothing of the complex technical details of the lunar complex and its support systems. But he knew things about what would be best for the community of humans who would live here someday that still eluded Tieria. He could make suggestions about what arrangements would be best for them. In addition, he worked tirelessly on the simple tasks assigned to him while Tieria hunted through Veda for elusive data. Tieria knew something that he hadn't known before: Lockon wanted to see the lunar complex completed. He wanted that place where humanity worked together to reach the future.
But Tieria was also unsure of something he'd tried not to be unsure of before. He didn't know whether Lockon wanted to be a part of that future. It wasn't a new fear, but it was one he'd finally been able to articulate. Even as it formed itself in his head, though, he found himself with new hope. A little while after Lockon's birthday, Tieria sent a silent Thank you back along their link to Setsuna. He did not have to explain what it was for. That was a relief, since he wasn't entirely sure why he had to thank Setsuna. He only knew that Setsuna was part of the reason Lockon was changing.
And Lockon was changing. He asked Tieria questions about things he had never even mentioned before. Sometimes they were even about Lockon himself. This was new and strange, and Tieria savored it.
"Tieria," Lockon said one day as the two of them rearranged furniture in a new lounge they were creating to supplement the main common area, "have you ever wondered what I do on my time off? What I did on my time off, back when we were fighting?"
Tieria looked up from behind a chair. He had no need to be participating in this activity. He could have left the lifting to the robotic equipment of the lunar complex, and he could have left the fine adjustments to Lockon. Once, he would have. But now, he wanted to spend as much time as possible with Lockon while still working to improve the moonbase. "Are you saying it's the same thing, both then and now?"
Lockon paused. He folded his arms across the back of a sofa and grinned at Tieria. "So you do wonder."
"I always have," Tieria admitted. "I want to know more about you, Lockon."
Something strange happened to Lockon's expression. That had been occurring often these days: Lockon had been wearing expressions different than his usual ones of either easy cheer and encouragement or (in private, when he forgot Tieria could watch him) discomfiting blankness. Now he regarded Tieria with something incomprehensible glinting in his good eye. "Is it all right if I tell you this one? I'm not sure you'll like it."
Tieria gave him a confused stare. How could "like" or "dislike" enter the equation when he had a chance to learn something about Lockon? "Please tell me."
It seemed appropriate that for such a revelation, Lockon should sit down on the couch he'd been moving. But he didn't. He simply leaned forward on its back and gazed off at something somewhere past Tieria. It wasn't an expression he'd have willingly let Tieria see in the past, and as unsettling as it was, Tieria treasured it. After a few moments, Lockon spoke. "I'd go to my hometown," he said. "Sometimes I'd go to where the terrorist bombing happened. It was all cleaned up by then, with a memorial in its place. And I'd watch, and I'd remember. That's all I did." Finally, he met Tieria's gaze. "That's all I did, Tieria. I watched and remembered."
"I see," Tieria said, although he wasn't sure he did. The Lockon he had known in the past didn't seem like the sort of man who would do something like that. Surely he had interacted with the people there more--that was what he did, wasn't it? But he accepted this as he accepted all the other things he had learned about Lockon.
"Does that bother you?" Lockon asked.
"No," Tieria said. "Nothing about you bothers me. In any case, there isn't anything wrong with carrying the past with you into the future."
"You've got a point," Lockon said, but he looked sad. Tieria was beginning to be able to tell such things.
They continued to work. Lockon made sure the sofas and chairs were arranged so that people would be most comfortable in them, and Tieria checked the wiring in the walls to be sure it was thoroughly safe. He had to slip in and out of his body to do it, and it was tiring work. He could have simply gone to his access terminal to rest his body and rejuvenate his mind in Veda, and indeed, that was what he was planning to do. But instead, Lockon pulled him down onto one of the couches.
"Let's try it out ourselves," he said. "See if it's comfortable."
In what had become welcome instinct, Tieria nestled against him, pressing against his warmth. He looked up at Lockon's smile. "Is that intended to be a euphemism, Lockon?" he asked. "I'm too tired for that activity right now."
Lockon pressed his nose to Tieria's forehead, so Tieria could feel his smile. "No," he said. "I just thought we could sit here for a while."
"That's fine," Tieria said. It was more than fine; he felt warm in that peculiar way, and he welcomed it. "Lockon..."
"Hmm?"
"Thank you. For telling me a little about yourself."
Lockon stilled for a moment, then pulled slightly away. "You don't have to thank me," he said. He hesitated, then pulled Tieria back to rest against his shoulder once more. "Just let me ask you something in return."
Tieria could feel himself sliding into a light sleep as he sat this close to Lockon's warmth. He resisted. "Please ask."
Lockon spoke in conversational tones, as if his query was a simple one. "While I was gone, you and the rest of Celestial Being changed the world. How did you do it?"
It was a simple question, Tieria thought a little sleepily. Some people might consider it difficult, but he knew better. "We changed ourselves," he said. "We changed to become compatible with the future."
Lockon sighed. Tieria could just barely catch sight of his smile going strange with regret. "I was afraid of that."
"Afraid?" Tieria murmured.
"It's nothing to worry about, Tieria," Lockon said. "Thanks, though. For telling me that. For being compatible with the future."
In the glow of that gratitude, Tieria drifted into a warm doze.
* * *
As it turned out, Tieria finished off the last details that had been keeping the moonbase fit for only a skeleton crew in the middle of the night.
Lockon didn't know that at first. All he knew was that Tieria slipped into bed with him when he was already asleep, and he woke up to the faintest shifting of reduced weight on the bed.
"I apologize," Tieria said. He paused for a moment, and the lights winked on around them, casting a soft glow around the bed. "I didn't intend for you to wake." His voice was more tentative than usual--and that was easier to notice now, since there'd been more confidence in it as they'd worked together on the moonbase.
"It's all right," Lockon said. "But you should be working. We agreed on that for tonight."
Tieria hesitated in silence, and it was strange, but Lockon couldn't for the life of him predict what he was about to say. Finally, Tieria sat up in the bed. "I only intended to finish adjusting the life support systems on the Endymion," he said, "but in the process, I discovered the codes for multiple human access to Veda's ports in the lunar complex."
It seemed like Tieria needed some reassurance that he'd done the right thing. Lockon wasn't sure why, but he reached up and stroked Tieria's hair back from his face all the same. "I'm a little confused, Tieria," he said. "What does it mean, that you've done that?"
"It's done," Tieria said. "No more preparation is necessary to ready the moonbase for a full crew."
"Oh," Lockon said. Internally, he winced at the way it came out. There was something wrong and flat about it. But to him, there was also something wrong with the picture of him being here with Tieria in a crew full of members of Celestial Being, all working to achieve the best future for humanity. He'd come here to avoid being a part of that future. Soon, the moonbase itself would be somewhere he didn't belong.
"Is that all right with you, Lockon?" Tieria asked softly. There was a strange light in his eyes.
"What's with you asking me that?" Lockon laughed, then gave Tieria's shoulder a squeeze. "Of course it's all right with me! I came here to help you do this, didn't I?"
Tieria was silent. "Lockon..."
In the soft white light, Lockon looked at Tieria, and for the first time, he was struck by how similar he looked to the first day they'd met. No, not similar: the same. He had changed so much, and he was even in a different body, but he looked exactly the same. It was a wonder. He was someone and something special, and Lockon was lucky to have him.
As for Lockon--
He looked different. He was broken and scarred. He'd aged six years since that battle where he'd willingly accepted death as the price for the vengeance necessary to restore his world. But how much had he really changed? Not nearly so much as Tieria, he knew. And it wasn't fair of him to hide here from the world in Tieria's shadow while pretending not to know that.
"I'm not fine," Lockon said, for what might have been the first time in his life. "Tieria, I'm not all right."
Tieria stopped, then, and looked at him. Lockon couldn't quite tell what was in his expression for once. Was it wonderment? "I know," he said quietly. "I've had ample time to observe your behavior, and it isn't healthy. It doesn't matter to me. You're as important as ever."
"You knew?" For a moment, that was all Lockon could say. It was hard for him to conceive of Tieria seeing through him so easily--even if, he realized, it almost certainly hadn't been easy at all. It must have taken months of careful observation.
"Yes," Tieria said. "But I learned something, when we all changed in order to make a new future. I couldn't make you say it."
Lockon smiled. He had a feeling it was a strange-looking smile, not like his usual grins. He wondered if it was comforting to Tieria, or unsettling. He knew he probably shouldn't worry about that, about how he seemed to other people and whether he made them feel better or not, but he had the feeling that wasn't something he was going to change. Even in this new world, he needed to be there for people. Maybe that was all right. "You're right. I needed to be able to say it myself."
"What will you do now?" Tieria said.
"I think I should go back to Earth for a while," Lockon said. The words came out of him without his prior consent. For once he wasn't holding them back. It was a little frightening. "I need to really talk with Marina Ismail. I need to travel with Allelujah and Marie and let them call me Neil Dylandy for a while. I need to learn about an organization called Katharon and what it meant to my brother. I..." Tieria watched him. Lockon had to go on. He owed Tieria the fullness of his revelations, after all they had been and done together. "I need to open my eyes and see how the world's changed, Tieria. So that I can change to be a part of it."
Tieria reached for his face. "You're already a part of my world, Lockon," he said.
"I know," Lockon said. "Thanks, Tieria."
Tieria blinked. "It isn't anything I consciously did. You simply are."
"I still wanted to thank you," Lockon said. "I needed your help, you know. Otherwise I'd never have figured this stuff out."
The change to Tieria's face was subtle. Most people would have missed it--after all, his expression was already gentle. But Lockon could tell: he'd lit up at that. "You're welcome. I'm glad I helped you."
There was only one thing left to say about all this. "Hey," Lockon said. "What we've got here--"
"Yes?"
"It's not fair of me to expect you to wait for me," Lockon said. "I don't know how long I'll be. And..." He hesitated. There were still things he couldn't say. He couldn't make himself tell Tieria: I'll never feel the same way about you that you feel about me. It was a simple fact, but if he spoke it, he'd be acknowledging the depth of Tieria's feelings for him. And that was one of the things about this changed world that he still didn't understand. "Anyway, you can see other people if you want. It doesn't bother me, if you want to end this here."
Tieria flushed indignantly. "Lockon!"
"Huh?" It was Lockon's turn to blink.
"At this point in our relationship," Tieria said, "it would be appropriate for me to slap you for saying that." He paused and looked down at his hands. "I don't wish to, though. I only wish to wait for you."
Lockon hadn't expected to feel so relieved to hear that. "As long as you've made that choice yourself," he said.
"Yes," Tieria said. "You could say I've made it with my heart."
* * *
Lockon spent some time on Earth.
Tieria had a great deal to do in that time. After all, managing the Endymion's full crew and keeping them all on task was a challenge in its own right. He had newfound respect for Sumeragi and how she had looked after the needs of the first Ptolemaios crew, so long ago.
But he still found time to watch over Lockon. It was easy enough. There were many satellites orbiting Earth, and some of them could track very small targets indeed. All of them were vulnerable to quiet hijacking from within Veda. Tieria took advantage of this, and he watched Lockon travel across the planet, assured that he would do his best to find a way to intervene and protect Lockon if anything seemed to go wrong.
Nothing seemed to go wrong. Lockon did as he'd said he would: he saw how the people of the world had changed. Tieria did not know if Lockon himself changed. He found it hard to tell. Lockon was simply Lockon, and that would always be enough for him.
Lockon kept Tieria updated on his travels. He kept everyone updated--more and more, as time went on. Tieria understood: he wanted the people who had helped him realize he could change know that he was doing exactly that. He wanted them to know he was grateful they were there for him. Knowing that he could understand Lockon like this was an indescribable feeling to Tieria, and he treasured it.
But one day, Tieria felt the soft pressure on Veda that was a message from Lockon's special frequency, and he realized that this message was just for him. Surprised, he opened a channel.
"Yo, Tieria," Lockon said. "Do you have space for one more member of your crew at the moonbase? I think I'd like to come back."
For a moment, Tieria didn't know what to say. It wasn't that he didn't know the answer to Lockon's question. It was that there was so much else he could say with it. He wanted to thank Lockon for coming back. He wanted to ask if he could still join Lockon in bed. He wanted to point out, on the video feed, where there were tiny, almost imperceptible lines at the edge of Lockon's mouth, so that he could say how grateful he was Lockon had lived long enough for those lines to form.
But he would be able to say all that tomorrow, because Lockon was coming back. "There will always be a place for you here, Lockon Stratos," he said now instead.
"Hey," Lockon said. "About that."
"About what?"
"A lot of the people I've met with lately," Lockon said, speaking slowly now, hesitating, "they don't call me Lockon Stratos. It's too confusing, since they knew my brother. You don't have to keep calling me that, either."
"Regardless," Tieria said, "I will. You're still Lockon Stratos to me."
"And I always will be, huh?" Lockon smiled. "I think I'd like to come home as soon as possible."
"Home?" Tieria asked. He was in Veda now, so it was strange that it felt as if his heart was beating faster.
"Back to the moonbase," Lockon said. "To be with you again."
→ Arc 1: Waking
→ Arc 2: Return
→ Arc 3: Learning
→ Arc 4: Surprise
→ Arc 5: Intimacy
→ Arc 6: Sentiment
→ Arc 7: Changes
→ Arc 8: Damage
→ Arc 9: Beginnings
Fandom: Gundam 00
Pairing: Lockon (Neil)/Tieria.
Rating: NC-17 (PG in this part)
Wordcount: 4,888 (ninth part)
Notes: Conclusion. An index post with commentary will be up shortly.
Summary: With some help from the ones who care about him, Lockon finally makes a decision. Took him long enough.
What would have been winter down on Earth's northern hemisphere was winding to a slow close. Humans considered it important to mark such things, but Tieria did not know how to do so, save to think: I have been with Lockon, on this station, for ten months now. We first kissed four months ago. I first shared a bed with him over three months ago. He was growing accustomed to these things: able to accept that they might not last, but that they were precious while they did. It was a strange feeling, but a satisfying one. He wondered what had changed, and he wasn't sure, but every time he tried to think about it, all he could remember was the startled look on Lockon's face in response to that Thank you, and the warm feeling it had drawn up around his chest.
Sometime when the month of February was near its end, Tieria noticed that Lockon had sent a message out toward the Ptolemaios where it traveled closer and closer to Jupiter. He could have asked Tieria to use his instantaneous connection to Setsuna through quantum brain waves, but he did not. Tieria thought he might know the reason for both the message and the need for privacy, but he kept silent on the topic for now.
* * *
For the first time since he'd come to stay in the lunar complex, Lockon really began to note the passing of time. It wasn't exactly a bad thing; it wasn't precisely a good thing either. It wasn't about the dates, either. His shared birthday was approaching; he'd sent a message to his brother about it, a cheerful happy birthday that he wasn't sure he felt. It was just what he needed to say to Lyle--but he was more aware of the gap there than before. That was part of the way he'd started to notice time. Things had changed.
The other part was all Tieria. Every day meant he had less to teach Tieria. Every day meant he had less reason for staying here, and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. There were a lot of things he no longer knew how to feel about. It had been so much easier in the past, when he'd never spared time for the thought that maybe he should feel otherwise. There'd been no need for him to feel anything, save for all that old grief and rage to drive him onwards. But now he had nothing to be driven to, and Tieria still expected him to be a whole person. No: that wasn't it. Tieria thought he was a whole person.
The thought was terrifying. At the same time, there was something compelling about it. Now that Tieria had spoken it to him in such earnest tones, he couldn't turn away from it anymore. Not unless he turned away from Tieria as well. And he didn't want to turn away from Tieria. He wanted to keep guiding him, even though now Tieria could easily be the guide himself. He wanted, selfishly, to continue being someone important to him.
He sought Tieria out when their schedules coincided. That was nothing new, he told himself. He'd been doing it before. But he'd been doing it before because it was part of teaching Tieria about romance and being with your partner. Now he just wanted to be with Tieria, even as he was a little afraid to. He wasn't sure he could handle hearing more about how important he was.
They were testing the artificial gravity the day it happened. Most parts of the moonbase would remain in lunar gravity at most hours, but for health reasons, the exercise rooms at the very least needed adjustable gravity. It was far more sophisticated than the simple low-gravity systems Lockon remembered from on board the Ptolemy. Unfortunately, that also meant they had far more potential to go wrong. When the gravity in the empty room Lockon was testing in suddenly increased, then shut off entirely, he was taken off guard.
In short, he might have flailed a bit. He'd gotten used to low gravity, and he'd always preferred some gravity. He hadn't been in zero-g for a while. So he found himself fumbling against a wall, struggling to regain his balance. That wasn't good, he realized immediately. Tieria would see.
Sure enough, in a split-second Tieria's voice sounded from all around him. "Lockon, remain calm. I'll fix the gravity immediately."
"Hey, hey, I'm calm," Lockon started to protest. It was true--he was just a little startled, that was all. "You worry too much--" And that was when the moon's gravity snapped back into place in the empty room. Lockon drifted to the floor, landing gently on his knees.
He wasn't sure how long it was before he looked up (sometimes, time still eluded him, here in this quiet place). But when he did, Tieria was standing in the doorway. "I worry exactly as much as I need to about you," he said, looking very serious. "Sometimes, it's a great deal. I was unaware you had such problems with zero gravity."
Lockon got to his feet. "It's been a while," he said. "Hey, Tieria, don't tell me you're scolding me." He didn't really think Tieria was--but these days, it was harder to be as sure as he'd once been.
"I don't mean it as an insult," Tieria said quickly. "Your situation is understandable. And--" He took a slow step closer. "It doesn't bother me, having another small way in which I may protect you."
There it was again, that strange side of Tieria that Lockon could no longer ignore. He didn't know what to say to that. He could no longer dismiss it as Tieria being mistaken in who he'd given his devotion. Tieria had been too sincere that night when he'd taken Lockon's hands in his.
Lockon had one course of action left to him: he could change the subject. "So there are still some ways I'm not so good at space," he said. "What about you, Tieria?"
"Have you forgotten?" Tieria said, tilting his head a little in surprise. "I was made for this environment."
"I'm just wondering," Lockon said, "if there's an old Earth custom or two that might still take you by surprise. You've had a while to learn, after all."
"I'm sure there are still some--" Tieria began, but he didn't get a chance to say more, because that was when Lockon put his plan into action.
It wasn't a plan, really; that was what was unusual about it. He didn't wait beforehand to let all the little calculations finish running at the back of his head: How will this affect him, or What will this teach him, or even What good will this do him. He just thought that he wanted to see Tieria's reaction, and he darted forward and started to tickle Tieria's sides.
Tieria convulsed. For a moment, Lockon almost drew back. He couldn't be sure that Tieria wouldn't be more affected than most, after all, and it could be dangerous. If sex for the first time had overloaded Tieria's brain and knocked him back into Veda, then it was just possible tickling might do something unpleasant too. Lockon paused for a second; he felt one hand instinctively lifting to Tieria's shoulder, just to make sure everything was okay.
And that was when Tieria looked up, hopelessly flushed and stifling giggles. "Lockon, is this truly necessary?" He wasn't hurt at all.
"Since it turns out you're ticklish," Lockon assured him, "it's definitely necessary to find out just how much." He started again--
--and a second later, gravity abruptly cut out again. Lockon fumbled and sent the two of them both tumbling for a wall. "Hey, hey! Did something go wrong with the systems again?"
"No," Tieria said. "The systems are in perfect condition. I was merely retaliating."
Lockon blinked. "Tieria," he said.
"What is it?" Tieria didn't turn the gravity back on, but suddenly his voice was soft, his gaze wondering.
Lockon smiled. "You've really learned a lot." And yet, he knew, there would always be something more he could teach Tieria. He might know all the important things, he might not need Lockon anymore, but until today, until just now, he'd never even been tickled. That was proof enough it wasn't so bad for Lockon to keep teaching him. Without thinking about it for once, Lockon leaned forward to kiss him.
A strange warmth followed. He thought, suddenly, that he liked this. He liked being able to just care for someone instead of having to fight. He liked how much he'd always have to teach Tieria. He liked Tieria, and he wanted to stay here with him.
Memories hit him like a physical blow, and he flinched back. Debris and dead bodies and the feeling of the world going out from under him: how could he ever walk away from that? The way his brother looked now, not happy but instead determined: how could he let himself be happy to be alive in the face of that?
"Lockon--" It was Tieria's voice, the same voice that had spoken to him of how important he was not so long ago. Lockon looked up, not comprehending the sudden urgent tone in Tieria's voice. "Are you all right?"
The gravity was on again. "I'm fine," he told Tieria, even though he wasn't, because he'd been doing that for a long time now and there was no reason to stop. "I just remembered some things, that's all." He started to pull Tieria close to him. That was one surefire way to get him to stop asking questions about whether Lockon was fine or not. This time, for once, Tieria resisted briefly, frowning a little, and with some dismay, Lockon started to let go. Then Tieria mercifully changed his mind and slid quietly into Lockon's arms. Lockon started to stroke his hair--
--and Tieria jerked away. Alarmed, Lockon let him go. "Did I do something wrong," he began, but then he stopped. Tieria's eyes glowed with that rainbow iridescence. He hadn't needed it to issue simple commands to Veda for some time now, but it was still necessary for more complex communications. "What's going on?"
"It's Setsuna," Tieria murmured, surprise evident even in the softness of his voice now. "He's contacted me. He wants to tell you something--no, the entire crew of the Ptolemaios wishes to tell you something."
Lockon stared. Theoretically, of course, he'd known it was possible, but this was the first time Setsuna had used his Innovator abilities to contact them this way. "Put him through," he said. "It must be important."
A screen flickered into existence on one of the blank walls of the room. Setsuna's face looked out of it, his eyes changed and golden. He took in the two of them standing there, still just a little too close together, without blinking, but Lockon had the sudden feeling he knew what it meant...and that he would leave it to them to tell anyone else. Lockon wasn't sure how to feel about that.
He didn't have time to wonder, either, because in a moment, Setsuna spoke. "Happy birthday, Lockon Stratos," he said. "All of us are glad you are here to see it."
* * *
Tieria and Lockon worked together to fix the last systems on the Endymion. The stealth systems had been easy enough to fix--it was the same technology that, on the Menae, had spirited Lockon around the world unseen. But somehow, the life support systems gave them trouble. They were modeled after the life support systems in the lunar complex, and Tieria still didn't entirely understand how those worked. He only knew that they allowed him and Lockon to stay there together, and he was grateful for that. He also knew that someday they'd allow an entire group of people to stay here, to form a community. He was grateful for that, too. It didn't matter that he didn't entirely understand the details, because someday he would, and even before then, he could continue helping people. For now, he helped Lockon, and together they worked to restore the moonbase to its original intentions.
Of course, Lockon knew nothing of the complex technical details of the lunar complex and its support systems. But he knew things about what would be best for the community of humans who would live here someday that still eluded Tieria. He could make suggestions about what arrangements would be best for them. In addition, he worked tirelessly on the simple tasks assigned to him while Tieria hunted through Veda for elusive data. Tieria knew something that he hadn't known before: Lockon wanted to see the lunar complex completed. He wanted that place where humanity worked together to reach the future.
But Tieria was also unsure of something he'd tried not to be unsure of before. He didn't know whether Lockon wanted to be a part of that future. It wasn't a new fear, but it was one he'd finally been able to articulate. Even as it formed itself in his head, though, he found himself with new hope. A little while after Lockon's birthday, Tieria sent a silent Thank you back along their link to Setsuna. He did not have to explain what it was for. That was a relief, since he wasn't entirely sure why he had to thank Setsuna. He only knew that Setsuna was part of the reason Lockon was changing.
And Lockon was changing. He asked Tieria questions about things he had never even mentioned before. Sometimes they were even about Lockon himself. This was new and strange, and Tieria savored it.
"Tieria," Lockon said one day as the two of them rearranged furniture in a new lounge they were creating to supplement the main common area, "have you ever wondered what I do on my time off? What I did on my time off, back when we were fighting?"
Tieria looked up from behind a chair. He had no need to be participating in this activity. He could have left the lifting to the robotic equipment of the lunar complex, and he could have left the fine adjustments to Lockon. Once, he would have. But now, he wanted to spend as much time as possible with Lockon while still working to improve the moonbase. "Are you saying it's the same thing, both then and now?"
Lockon paused. He folded his arms across the back of a sofa and grinned at Tieria. "So you do wonder."
"I always have," Tieria admitted. "I want to know more about you, Lockon."
Something strange happened to Lockon's expression. That had been occurring often these days: Lockon had been wearing expressions different than his usual ones of either easy cheer and encouragement or (in private, when he forgot Tieria could watch him) discomfiting blankness. Now he regarded Tieria with something incomprehensible glinting in his good eye. "Is it all right if I tell you this one? I'm not sure you'll like it."
Tieria gave him a confused stare. How could "like" or "dislike" enter the equation when he had a chance to learn something about Lockon? "Please tell me."
It seemed appropriate that for such a revelation, Lockon should sit down on the couch he'd been moving. But he didn't. He simply leaned forward on its back and gazed off at something somewhere past Tieria. It wasn't an expression he'd have willingly let Tieria see in the past, and as unsettling as it was, Tieria treasured it. After a few moments, Lockon spoke. "I'd go to my hometown," he said. "Sometimes I'd go to where the terrorist bombing happened. It was all cleaned up by then, with a memorial in its place. And I'd watch, and I'd remember. That's all I did." Finally, he met Tieria's gaze. "That's all I did, Tieria. I watched and remembered."
"I see," Tieria said, although he wasn't sure he did. The Lockon he had known in the past didn't seem like the sort of man who would do something like that. Surely he had interacted with the people there more--that was what he did, wasn't it? But he accepted this as he accepted all the other things he had learned about Lockon.
"Does that bother you?" Lockon asked.
"No," Tieria said. "Nothing about you bothers me. In any case, there isn't anything wrong with carrying the past with you into the future."
"You've got a point," Lockon said, but he looked sad. Tieria was beginning to be able to tell such things.
They continued to work. Lockon made sure the sofas and chairs were arranged so that people would be most comfortable in them, and Tieria checked the wiring in the walls to be sure it was thoroughly safe. He had to slip in and out of his body to do it, and it was tiring work. He could have simply gone to his access terminal to rest his body and rejuvenate his mind in Veda, and indeed, that was what he was planning to do. But instead, Lockon pulled him down onto one of the couches.
"Let's try it out ourselves," he said. "See if it's comfortable."
In what had become welcome instinct, Tieria nestled against him, pressing against his warmth. He looked up at Lockon's smile. "Is that intended to be a euphemism, Lockon?" he asked. "I'm too tired for that activity right now."
Lockon pressed his nose to Tieria's forehead, so Tieria could feel his smile. "No," he said. "I just thought we could sit here for a while."
"That's fine," Tieria said. It was more than fine; he felt warm in that peculiar way, and he welcomed it. "Lockon..."
"Hmm?"
"Thank you. For telling me a little about yourself."
Lockon stilled for a moment, then pulled slightly away. "You don't have to thank me," he said. He hesitated, then pulled Tieria back to rest against his shoulder once more. "Just let me ask you something in return."
Tieria could feel himself sliding into a light sleep as he sat this close to Lockon's warmth. He resisted. "Please ask."
Lockon spoke in conversational tones, as if his query was a simple one. "While I was gone, you and the rest of Celestial Being changed the world. How did you do it?"
It was a simple question, Tieria thought a little sleepily. Some people might consider it difficult, but he knew better. "We changed ourselves," he said. "We changed to become compatible with the future."
Lockon sighed. Tieria could just barely catch sight of his smile going strange with regret. "I was afraid of that."
"Afraid?" Tieria murmured.
"It's nothing to worry about, Tieria," Lockon said. "Thanks, though. For telling me that. For being compatible with the future."
In the glow of that gratitude, Tieria drifted into a warm doze.
* * *
As it turned out, Tieria finished off the last details that had been keeping the moonbase fit for only a skeleton crew in the middle of the night.
Lockon didn't know that at first. All he knew was that Tieria slipped into bed with him when he was already asleep, and he woke up to the faintest shifting of reduced weight on the bed.
"I apologize," Tieria said. He paused for a moment, and the lights winked on around them, casting a soft glow around the bed. "I didn't intend for you to wake." His voice was more tentative than usual--and that was easier to notice now, since there'd been more confidence in it as they'd worked together on the moonbase.
"It's all right," Lockon said. "But you should be working. We agreed on that for tonight."
Tieria hesitated in silence, and it was strange, but Lockon couldn't for the life of him predict what he was about to say. Finally, Tieria sat up in the bed. "I only intended to finish adjusting the life support systems on the Endymion," he said, "but in the process, I discovered the codes for multiple human access to Veda's ports in the lunar complex."
It seemed like Tieria needed some reassurance that he'd done the right thing. Lockon wasn't sure why, but he reached up and stroked Tieria's hair back from his face all the same. "I'm a little confused, Tieria," he said. "What does it mean, that you've done that?"
"It's done," Tieria said. "No more preparation is necessary to ready the moonbase for a full crew."
"Oh," Lockon said. Internally, he winced at the way it came out. There was something wrong and flat about it. But to him, there was also something wrong with the picture of him being here with Tieria in a crew full of members of Celestial Being, all working to achieve the best future for humanity. He'd come here to avoid being a part of that future. Soon, the moonbase itself would be somewhere he didn't belong.
"Is that all right with you, Lockon?" Tieria asked softly. There was a strange light in his eyes.
"What's with you asking me that?" Lockon laughed, then gave Tieria's shoulder a squeeze. "Of course it's all right with me! I came here to help you do this, didn't I?"
Tieria was silent. "Lockon..."
In the soft white light, Lockon looked at Tieria, and for the first time, he was struck by how similar he looked to the first day they'd met. No, not similar: the same. He had changed so much, and he was even in a different body, but he looked exactly the same. It was a wonder. He was someone and something special, and Lockon was lucky to have him.
As for Lockon--
He looked different. He was broken and scarred. He'd aged six years since that battle where he'd willingly accepted death as the price for the vengeance necessary to restore his world. But how much had he really changed? Not nearly so much as Tieria, he knew. And it wasn't fair of him to hide here from the world in Tieria's shadow while pretending not to know that.
"I'm not fine," Lockon said, for what might have been the first time in his life. "Tieria, I'm not all right."
Tieria stopped, then, and looked at him. Lockon couldn't quite tell what was in his expression for once. Was it wonderment? "I know," he said quietly. "I've had ample time to observe your behavior, and it isn't healthy. It doesn't matter to me. You're as important as ever."
"You knew?" For a moment, that was all Lockon could say. It was hard for him to conceive of Tieria seeing through him so easily--even if, he realized, it almost certainly hadn't been easy at all. It must have taken months of careful observation.
"Yes," Tieria said. "But I learned something, when we all changed in order to make a new future. I couldn't make you say it."
Lockon smiled. He had a feeling it was a strange-looking smile, not like his usual grins. He wondered if it was comforting to Tieria, or unsettling. He knew he probably shouldn't worry about that, about how he seemed to other people and whether he made them feel better or not, but he had the feeling that wasn't something he was going to change. Even in this new world, he needed to be there for people. Maybe that was all right. "You're right. I needed to be able to say it myself."
"What will you do now?" Tieria said.
"I think I should go back to Earth for a while," Lockon said. The words came out of him without his prior consent. For once he wasn't holding them back. It was a little frightening. "I need to really talk with Marina Ismail. I need to travel with Allelujah and Marie and let them call me Neil Dylandy for a while. I need to learn about an organization called Katharon and what it meant to my brother. I..." Tieria watched him. Lockon had to go on. He owed Tieria the fullness of his revelations, after all they had been and done together. "I need to open my eyes and see how the world's changed, Tieria. So that I can change to be a part of it."
Tieria reached for his face. "You're already a part of my world, Lockon," he said.
"I know," Lockon said. "Thanks, Tieria."
Tieria blinked. "It isn't anything I consciously did. You simply are."
"I still wanted to thank you," Lockon said. "I needed your help, you know. Otherwise I'd never have figured this stuff out."
The change to Tieria's face was subtle. Most people would have missed it--after all, his expression was already gentle. But Lockon could tell: he'd lit up at that. "You're welcome. I'm glad I helped you."
There was only one thing left to say about all this. "Hey," Lockon said. "What we've got here--"
"Yes?"
"It's not fair of me to expect you to wait for me," Lockon said. "I don't know how long I'll be. And..." He hesitated. There were still things he couldn't say. He couldn't make himself tell Tieria: I'll never feel the same way about you that you feel about me. It was a simple fact, but if he spoke it, he'd be acknowledging the depth of Tieria's feelings for him. And that was one of the things about this changed world that he still didn't understand. "Anyway, you can see other people if you want. It doesn't bother me, if you want to end this here."
Tieria flushed indignantly. "Lockon!"
"Huh?" It was Lockon's turn to blink.
"At this point in our relationship," Tieria said, "it would be appropriate for me to slap you for saying that." He paused and looked down at his hands. "I don't wish to, though. I only wish to wait for you."
Lockon hadn't expected to feel so relieved to hear that. "As long as you've made that choice yourself," he said.
"Yes," Tieria said. "You could say I've made it with my heart."
* * *
Lockon spent some time on Earth.
Tieria had a great deal to do in that time. After all, managing the Endymion's full crew and keeping them all on task was a challenge in its own right. He had newfound respect for Sumeragi and how she had looked after the needs of the first Ptolemaios crew, so long ago.
But he still found time to watch over Lockon. It was easy enough. There were many satellites orbiting Earth, and some of them could track very small targets indeed. All of them were vulnerable to quiet hijacking from within Veda. Tieria took advantage of this, and he watched Lockon travel across the planet, assured that he would do his best to find a way to intervene and protect Lockon if anything seemed to go wrong.
Nothing seemed to go wrong. Lockon did as he'd said he would: he saw how the people of the world had changed. Tieria did not know if Lockon himself changed. He found it hard to tell. Lockon was simply Lockon, and that would always be enough for him.
Lockon kept Tieria updated on his travels. He kept everyone updated--more and more, as time went on. Tieria understood: he wanted the people who had helped him realize he could change know that he was doing exactly that. He wanted them to know he was grateful they were there for him. Knowing that he could understand Lockon like this was an indescribable feeling to Tieria, and he treasured it.
But one day, Tieria felt the soft pressure on Veda that was a message from Lockon's special frequency, and he realized that this message was just for him. Surprised, he opened a channel.
"Yo, Tieria," Lockon said. "Do you have space for one more member of your crew at the moonbase? I think I'd like to come back."
For a moment, Tieria didn't know what to say. It wasn't that he didn't know the answer to Lockon's question. It was that there was so much else he could say with it. He wanted to thank Lockon for coming back. He wanted to ask if he could still join Lockon in bed. He wanted to point out, on the video feed, where there were tiny, almost imperceptible lines at the edge of Lockon's mouth, so that he could say how grateful he was Lockon had lived long enough for those lines to form.
But he would be able to say all that tomorrow, because Lockon was coming back. "There will always be a place for you here, Lockon Stratos," he said now instead.
"Hey," Lockon said. "About that."
"About what?"
"A lot of the people I've met with lately," Lockon said, speaking slowly now, hesitating, "they don't call me Lockon Stratos. It's too confusing, since they knew my brother. You don't have to keep calling me that, either."
"Regardless," Tieria said, "I will. You're still Lockon Stratos to me."
"And I always will be, huh?" Lockon smiled. "I think I'd like to come home as soon as possible."
"Home?" Tieria asked. He was in Veda now, so it was strange that it felt as if his heart was beating faster.
"Back to the moonbase," Lockon said. "To be with you again."