Reflections on growing up
Al Jazeera has an editorial about raising boys to be allies of Feminism. It really struck home.
I never realized I'd grown up different than most boys. Between first and fourth grade, my closest friends were girls (I had some male friends too). My parents never blocked the friendships, although they did say that I picked up this feminine habit of clicking my tongue when I was going to speak... and stopped me from doing that (I was in the second grade at the time). From the article, friendship between boys and girls was discouraged (on the part of the boys) - I never experienced that. I also grew up knowing how to take care of myself - I could cook by age six, plan and make meals by age ten, and knew how to wash clothes, etc. by age 13-14. Shoot, for several years (between age 13 and 18) I'd come down here and run the laundromat my parents owned, while the man who raised my dad and my grandmother would take vacation. From what I read there (and elsewhere after becoming curious), boys of my generation (and even after) didn't learn any of that stuff, because it was "girl stuff". (To me, it was just basic common sense - and cooking was a lot like chemistry which I was fascinated with at the time.)
I've always believed in the equality between the sexes... and I think most of the so-called "differences" are really minor and learned (anthropology solidly backs me on that). My idea of "manhood" has to do with honor and self-control and self-discipline (plus being a defender and protector and encourager), not with how many girls a guy can "get" (or whatever).
I think I understand why I was a pariah for so many years... from puberty on. The boys I went to school with thought of girls as only something to get in bed if possible, and if not they could cook or clean house (be a nice servant). Romance? That was (to them) the ucky stuff that you had to do in order to get what you really wanted. I had, and still have, a romantic streak a mile wide (don't much care for romance movies or books, however). I wanted friendship and relationships... not just (as the saying goes) getting my rocks off. I liked midnight strolls along the beach, kittens, flowers, and so on (especially being 'in nature' - in the woods, swamps, and marshes where we grew up).
I was too different and the kids I went to school with couldn't understand or tolerate that difference (I never realized that I was so different until many years later). Some of that difference came from my upbringing. Some of it I believe is in a funny way internal. I can't be different, any more than a leopard can change its' spots. I am the way I am because it is the way I am.
That upbringing cost me years of being bullied and an outcast, even being a pariah. However, I'd not want how I was raised to different - because I believe that the way I am is on the right path.
It also means that when women dismiss me as "just a man" and say things like "You're a man, you'd never understand" or "you're like all other men - you can never be trusted" - they don't have a clue as to who and what they're talking to. I am a militant feminist. I see the bullshit way things are being done now and it turns my stomach. (For instance, if you're doing the same job, you deserve the same pay and treatment!!! If you have the same level of expertise and skill... you deserve the same chances of getting a job!) I understand the article completely - and agree.
I hope that they DO start teaching boys that it's OK to talk with and be friends with girls... teaching them skills that will serve them for the rest of their life (being able to cook-clean-whatever). I think that the emphasis on gender differences should be lessened... girls should learn how to fix things, how to play baseball... whatever. We're all members of the human race... and that is what is important. It might be unpleasant because of the conservatives who don't want things to improve, but at the same time it would be nice to encounter more men whose "manhood" isn't based on sexual exploits and subjugating women.
I never realized I'd grown up different than most boys. Between first and fourth grade, my closest friends were girls (I had some male friends too). My parents never blocked the friendships, although they did say that I picked up this feminine habit of clicking my tongue when I was going to speak... and stopped me from doing that (I was in the second grade at the time). From the article, friendship between boys and girls was discouraged (on the part of the boys) - I never experienced that. I also grew up knowing how to take care of myself - I could cook by age six, plan and make meals by age ten, and knew how to wash clothes, etc. by age 13-14. Shoot, for several years (between age 13 and 18) I'd come down here and run the laundromat my parents owned, while the man who raised my dad and my grandmother would take vacation. From what I read there (and elsewhere after becoming curious), boys of my generation (and even after) didn't learn any of that stuff, because it was "girl stuff". (To me, it was just basic common sense - and cooking was a lot like chemistry which I was fascinated with at the time.)
I've always believed in the equality between the sexes... and I think most of the so-called "differences" are really minor and learned (anthropology solidly backs me on that). My idea of "manhood" has to do with honor and self-control and self-discipline (plus being a defender and protector and encourager), not with how many girls a guy can "get" (or whatever).
I think I understand why I was a pariah for so many years... from puberty on. The boys I went to school with thought of girls as only something to get in bed if possible, and if not they could cook or clean house (be a nice servant). Romance? That was (to them) the ucky stuff that you had to do in order to get what you really wanted. I had, and still have, a romantic streak a mile wide (don't much care for romance movies or books, however). I wanted friendship and relationships... not just (as the saying goes) getting my rocks off. I liked midnight strolls along the beach, kittens, flowers, and so on (especially being 'in nature' - in the woods, swamps, and marshes where we grew up).
I was too different and the kids I went to school with couldn't understand or tolerate that difference (I never realized that I was so different until many years later). Some of that difference came from my upbringing. Some of it I believe is in a funny way internal. I can't be different, any more than a leopard can change its' spots. I am the way I am because it is the way I am.
That upbringing cost me years of being bullied and an outcast, even being a pariah. However, I'd not want how I was raised to different - because I believe that the way I am is on the right path.
It also means that when women dismiss me as "just a man" and say things like "You're a man, you'd never understand" or "you're like all other men - you can never be trusted" - they don't have a clue as to who and what they're talking to. I am a militant feminist. I see the bullshit way things are being done now and it turns my stomach. (For instance, if you're doing the same job, you deserve the same pay and treatment!!! If you have the same level of expertise and skill... you deserve the same chances of getting a job!) I understand the article completely - and agree.
I hope that they DO start teaching boys that it's OK to talk with and be friends with girls... teaching them skills that will serve them for the rest of their life (being able to cook-clean-whatever). I think that the emphasis on gender differences should be lessened... girls should learn how to fix things, how to play baseball... whatever. We're all members of the human race... and that is what is important. It might be unpleasant because of the conservatives who don't want things to improve, but at the same time it would be nice to encounter more men whose "manhood" isn't based on sexual exploits and subjugating women.