monday night lullaby
I'm sitting up alone at the computer. It's monday night and there are helicopters flying overhead with the sound of sirens beneath them. The cats are playing with something that scratches loudly against the floor. Then all is quiet...until Mr. Myagi finds something new to attack, in which case another assualt will be launched against the offending object. I can't help but to laugh at him. Moving on...Jason is over. I say that definitively and with heartfelt emotion. Even though I still cry a little sometimes I'm normally fine and have even found myself going entire days without thinking of him in one way or another. But I called him last week and that didn't help at all.It sucks that he still owes me money and i probably won't hear from him or ever see any help from him for the mess we made of my bank account. What a fucking idiot am I? That's why I've been so scared to get sucked in by guys. Cause when I fall, I fall hard and damn is that landing bumpy.
I feel as though the loss of my virginity has somehow made me average and typical very quickly. That a shitty way to be if you consider yourself at all intelligent and independent. My first time in love was with an emotionally unattainable guy, who used me, who left me, and whom gave me the internal exegesis I needed to feel the need to sleep with yet another person. I'm starting to really resent my vagina after only using it for a matter of months. Sex is fucking great though and I can't lie about that. I'm so torn right now between being the girl I always thought I would be and being the girl I have become/am becoming. For the first time in as long as I can remember I am really questioning my actions and the decisions I have made lately. Call it a self-reality check. I think those become more and more necessary the more layers you add on to life however. I will need to get good at them, I fear, for I am afraid that with my track record of motivation and ambition, I may find myself in pickles more often than I would like to admit.
I need to go to grad school. I need to figure out what I want to go to grad school for before I can do anything though. I don't feel like I have enough life experience to be a teacher yet. There are so many things I want out of life right now.
My Christmas List to Life:
-a warm boy in my bed who cares about me and wants to make me happy
-"a long, slow, hard, fuck" as quoted from Quills...preferrably with the affore mentioned boy
-a job that pays my bills so I can get the fuck out of California
-my new piercings to heal...ouch!
-enough motivation to get my life on track
-more pot and finally...
-less drama in the new year. I think I'll make that my New Year's toast as I likely drink myself into a stupor and pass out =). Can't grow up all at once can you?
oh yeah, and a cell phone, the new Razer one's are pretty cool.
It's so cold in this goddamned apartment. The view out the window is beautiful though with the big yellow cross lit up over the rooftops and trees and the little Christmas tree lights from the new Christmas tree reflected in the window. Anyway, enough deep thought for the night. I'm gonna eat some macaroni and pass out. Sleep tight my sweeties.