i really feel i need to vent.
I just don't know exactly how to word it so that it's understandable. The only thing that comes to mind is a loud scream, but where that would help relay my frustration it wouldn't do alot to help you understand where that frustration comes from.
I have been pretty much literally flat on my back out of commision since Sunday evening. I got kicked in the ass by some godawful virus i guess-or so the doctor seems to think-& i only just today am starting to think that i will indeed live. Yesterday iwould not have been so sure.
Anyway-without a long back story to this initail part, my mother drives me crazy! So anytime i have to try to talkwith her or deal with her or anything, i'm just not in a good mood. Period. I don't even know for sure if her intentions are good, I just know for certain that she cannot or will not take care of herself, so i don't expect much. (I'm trying to be nice-godforgive me-bu its all part of what i need to get off my chest) So since i'd been so sick the last 3-4 days and unable to do anything around here except the absolute basics which is make my kids school lunches & feed them their supper-thats it-naturally, the place is looking alittle chaotic. Just so you have more of the picture: Gords been on the road for work since the beginning of the week, nowhere near home. & as far as the kids go, all i can really count on them to do is destroy things. I have absolutely no control over them at all. I mean i'm just so past overwhelmed its not funny. They are otherwise good kids, i really do believe that, but whatever it would take to get them all to be more respobsable is beyond me. Anyways, so i think isaid as much to my mom on the phone the other day-maybe yesterday, its all a blur now, and she got it in her head that she would come over here & clean for me. She never told ME this--b/c i would not have allowed it. Now i know, if this were any other family, that gesture would be very sweet & very much welcomed, but this is not any other family. So i know better.
So yesterday, as i lay in bed, (from mid afternoon thru till this morning i stayed in bed.) i listened to everyone go in & out of the front door, slamming it each time for almost 6-7 hours. Every once in awhile a child would come upstairs asking me if i wanted anything& i'd ask if any cleaning was getting done and i'd just get *the look*. Hmmm-hmmm. When i made it down stairs this morning, well...i am not exagerating, but help like that i do not need. Thx but no thx. I mean, just knowing she was down here, under the guise of helping me, i was so livid. But yet helpless todo shit about it.
Like i said, only today do i feel like i might live thru whatever kicked my ass, so while i'm able to move around some gaining some of my strength back; but watching i don;t over heat as i've been running a fever allweek, i am trying now hose down everything. Why, why, WHY???? Why am treated with what i feel is such disrespect? Garbage is strewn everywhere. everything is either wet or sticky. there's puddles on the floor. some of them are milk puddles. IF and i man IF sme of te dishes were washed, am i to believe that they were washed in the sink that looks like its flled with vomit?? Were the plates that were stacked on the stove cleaned?? In the vomit water?? Eithe way-they don't resemble anything i'd call clean. I'm just so disgusted.
On Sunday was the twins' birthday party & i tackled this place & had it spic & span so it wasn't that bad after the party ended @ 4:30 especailly since we spent the majority of the time at the movie theather watching IronMan3 & then were outside other than when doing the cake & presents thing. So really how the hell it got to this state of friggin disaster is beyond me. But you know what? It fucking typical. & i'm fucking sick of it!
I just don;t know one hing--NOT ONE THING-- that was done here last nihgt, that was supposed to HELP me.
****EDIT: well its been a few hours since my spaz. & i've talked to mom since on the phone & i shoud've known she had no intensions of cleaning my house--b/c she says "of her legs". She said if her legs were good and would allow her to clean then she would clean her OWN place. (I'm not even commenting on that. I'm so done.) But anyway, i dunno, i still think my feelings are valid. At times i feel resposable for everyuthing & everyone, and everyone just assumes it. Like no matter what it is, if i don't do it, it won't get done. i feel over-burdoned. I just want to know when does it get easier? Well its especailly hard to see from the perspective i'm in right now which at the moment-exhausted. And uncomfortable. I have some serious sinus pain building. :-( And my throat--while not excrushiation like it WAS--is still so very raw.
Anyway, i\m embarassed by my little self-pitying rant, but i'll leave it as it is. B/c it is what it is.
I have been pretty much literally flat on my back out of commision since Sunday evening. I got kicked in the ass by some godawful virus i guess-or so the doctor seems to think-& i only just today am starting to think that i will indeed live. Yesterday iwould not have been so sure.
Anyway-without a long back story to this initail part, my mother drives me crazy! So anytime i have to try to talkwith her or deal with her or anything, i'm just not in a good mood. Period. I don't even know for sure if her intentions are good, I just know for certain that she cannot or will not take care of herself, so i don't expect much. (I'm trying to be nice-godforgive me-bu its all part of what i need to get off my chest) So since i'd been so sick the last 3-4 days and unable to do anything around here except the absolute basics which is make my kids school lunches & feed them their supper-thats it-naturally, the place is looking alittle chaotic. Just so you have more of the picture: Gords been on the road for work since the beginning of the week, nowhere near home. & as far as the kids go, all i can really count on them to do is destroy things. I have absolutely no control over them at all. I mean i'm just so past overwhelmed its not funny. They are otherwise good kids, i really do believe that, but whatever it would take to get them all to be more respobsable is beyond me. Anyways, so i think isaid as much to my mom on the phone the other day-maybe yesterday, its all a blur now, and she got it in her head that she would come over here & clean for me. She never told ME this--b/c i would not have allowed it. Now i know, if this were any other family, that gesture would be very sweet & very much welcomed, but this is not any other family. So i know better.
So yesterday, as i lay in bed, (from mid afternoon thru till this morning i stayed in bed.) i listened to everyone go in & out of the front door, slamming it each time for almost 6-7 hours. Every once in awhile a child would come upstairs asking me if i wanted anything& i'd ask if any cleaning was getting done and i'd just get *the look*. Hmmm-hmmm. When i made it down stairs this morning, well...i am not exagerating, but help like that i do not need. Thx but no thx. I mean, just knowing she was down here, under the guise of helping me, i was so livid. But yet helpless todo shit about it.
Like i said, only today do i feel like i might live thru whatever kicked my ass, so while i'm able to move around some gaining some of my strength back; but watching i don;t over heat as i've been running a fever allweek, i am trying now hose down everything. Why, why, WHY???? Why am treated with what i feel is such disrespect? Garbage is strewn everywhere. everything is either wet or sticky. there's puddles on the floor. some of them are milk puddles. IF and i man IF sme of te dishes were washed, am i to believe that they were washed in the sink that looks like its flled with vomit?? Were the plates that were stacked on the stove cleaned?? In the vomit water?? Eithe way-they don't resemble anything i'd call clean. I'm just so disgusted.
On Sunday was the twins' birthday party & i tackled this place & had it spic & span so it wasn't that bad after the party ended @ 4:30 especailly since we spent the majority of the time at the movie theather watching IronMan3 & then were outside other than when doing the cake & presents thing. So really how the hell it got to this state of friggin disaster is beyond me. But you know what? It fucking typical. & i'm fucking sick of it!
I just don;t know one hing--NOT ONE THING-- that was done here last nihgt, that was supposed to HELP me.
****EDIT: well its been a few hours since my spaz. & i've talked to mom since on the phone & i shoud've known she had no intensions of cleaning my house--b/c she says "of her legs". She said if her legs were good and would allow her to clean then she would clean her OWN place. (I'm not even commenting on that. I'm so done.) But anyway, i dunno, i still think my feelings are valid. At times i feel resposable for everyuthing & everyone, and everyone just assumes it. Like no matter what it is, if i don't do it, it won't get done. i feel over-burdoned. I just want to know when does it get easier? Well its especailly hard to see from the perspective i'm in right now which at the moment-exhausted. And uncomfortable. I have some serious sinus pain building. :-( And my throat--while not excrushiation like it WAS--is still so very raw.
Anyway, i\m embarassed by my little self-pitying rant, but i'll leave it as it is. B/c it is what it is.