(no subject)
All I want to do is crawl under the covers and remain there. Undisturbed. until I feel I have regained whatever mental faculties I have lost over the last few years and deem myself mentally and emotionally fit to be amongst people again. I have long since lost my sense of self. I'm to the point anymore that I just simply can't relate to anyone & the behaviors of most other people--even those closest to me--or perhaps especially those closest to me seem foreign & unfounded. It seems other people can even be actually hostile at times and without provocation. I simply don't understand. I just feel at odds with everyone and I don't know WHY and that's both baffling and frustrating. I swear everyone else is either being self centered and just could not give a flying flip that I feel shit upon, or they are deliberately acting in ill will towards me. Or maybe this is just ME, kicking myself while I'm down. I either have mental issues or I'm sensing all this for a legitimate reason.
All this shit has a large amount to do with living with a teenager (when I'm FAR from emotionally equipped for such a thing) and my husband has been mostly on the road this whole year, and in many other ways seems very distant to me as well.
In addition, I tore my Achilles tendon 3 1/2 weeks ago isolating me to the house & limiting my mobility and the immediate future as far as that is concerned is unknown to me.
As well, since August 26th I've been plagued with these nasty freakin hives that until the past 2 days had manifested themselves pretty much every where other than my face--but now my face is fair game too. I've had them on each eyelid and the lower left side of my face. it was so bad that to talk it sounded like I had cotton balls stuffed in my mouth--besides looking like I had been beat about the face. sometime in September I went to see the doctor when it occurred to me that the damn things weren't going to mysteriously stop as mysteriously they had started, and he prescribed me a 30 day round of antihistamines (cleradin) which didn't work to stop them. Instead they only kept them to a dull roar. So I returned soon after and he once again prescribed another 30 round of the same PLUS in addition a 30 day round of Zantac which is also used as an anti histamine but again, they only kept them to a dull roar, which btw, escalated strangely enough when I tore my Achilles tendon. No I don't know if that was due to the added stress or the fact that I now take anti-inflamitories and they might be rendering them ineffective. Either way it doesn't matter, b/c the prescription ran out on Friday and I'm a flipping hot mess with no end in sight. my husband should be home sometime late tomorrow, and he'll then be home for the next 2 days (Tuesday & Wednesday) and my plan is to see the doctor again within that time & see what the next steps are. Also I see a different doctor on Wednesday regarding the healing progress of my injury and we'll see that to expect after that.
In the meantime, I've obviously not been working and I'm not exactly missing the typical chaos that is retail at this time of the year, but at the same time, it also makes things very difficult to prepare for the holiday season b/c the kids are still expecting to be amazed & I don't want to disappoint them. (So I've been indulging in some on line shopping which I must say I've been finding too easy and too much fun. LOL I absolutely HAD to put the brakes on. OMG. Especailly being off work for an uncertain amount of time & having only roughly 5 1/2 weeks of sick pay, well, you can see where that might lead to a problem.)
At the present time, we are getting our roof replaced. this is long over due as for months now everytime it rained OUTSIDE, it has rained INSIDE! Last October we had agreed on a quote from a contractor and he was to give us priority (b/c it was raining inside) yet even tho we've had this priority, it has taken them 2 months to get to us. they started on Friday and with a crew of 6 they blew the one side in just under 6 hours. they are returning (or so they say) tomorrow to do the other side plus install 2 skylights that we asked for and I'm hoping everything goes well. I know they'll have to come inside and go up into the attic (which we've transformed into a bedroom a couple years ago) and like I said previously, my mobility is limited and my husband won't be here until evening of then even, so I'm just hoping that it goes well...
Anyway, I think I've griped enough. I guess I just needed to vent in hopes it would stifle the tears. Even if temporarily. I don't really know if I have a basis for these feelings but regardless, they're there, though I may not have articulated it properly. Thats another issue I have. :-/
All this shit has a large amount to do with living with a teenager (when I'm FAR from emotionally equipped for such a thing) and my husband has been mostly on the road this whole year, and in many other ways seems very distant to me as well.
In addition, I tore my Achilles tendon 3 1/2 weeks ago isolating me to the house & limiting my mobility and the immediate future as far as that is concerned is unknown to me.
As well, since August 26th I've been plagued with these nasty freakin hives that until the past 2 days had manifested themselves pretty much every where other than my face--but now my face is fair game too. I've had them on each eyelid and the lower left side of my face. it was so bad that to talk it sounded like I had cotton balls stuffed in my mouth--besides looking like I had been beat about the face. sometime in September I went to see the doctor when it occurred to me that the damn things weren't going to mysteriously stop as mysteriously they had started, and he prescribed me a 30 day round of antihistamines (cleradin) which didn't work to stop them. Instead they only kept them to a dull roar. So I returned soon after and he once again prescribed another 30 round of the same PLUS in addition a 30 day round of Zantac which is also used as an anti histamine but again, they only kept them to a dull roar, which btw, escalated strangely enough when I tore my Achilles tendon. No I don't know if that was due to the added stress or the fact that I now take anti-inflamitories and they might be rendering them ineffective. Either way it doesn't matter, b/c the prescription ran out on Friday and I'm a flipping hot mess with no end in sight. my husband should be home sometime late tomorrow, and he'll then be home for the next 2 days (Tuesday & Wednesday) and my plan is to see the doctor again within that time & see what the next steps are. Also I see a different doctor on Wednesday regarding the healing progress of my injury and we'll see that to expect after that.
In the meantime, I've obviously not been working and I'm not exactly missing the typical chaos that is retail at this time of the year, but at the same time, it also makes things very difficult to prepare for the holiday season b/c the kids are still expecting to be amazed & I don't want to disappoint them. (So I've been indulging in some on line shopping which I must say I've been finding too easy and too much fun. LOL I absolutely HAD to put the brakes on. OMG. Especailly being off work for an uncertain amount of time & having only roughly 5 1/2 weeks of sick pay, well, you can see where that might lead to a problem.)
At the present time, we are getting our roof replaced. this is long over due as for months now everytime it rained OUTSIDE, it has rained INSIDE! Last October we had agreed on a quote from a contractor and he was to give us priority (b/c it was raining inside) yet even tho we've had this priority, it has taken them 2 months to get to us. they started on Friday and with a crew of 6 they blew the one side in just under 6 hours. they are returning (or so they say) tomorrow to do the other side plus install 2 skylights that we asked for and I'm hoping everything goes well. I know they'll have to come inside and go up into the attic (which we've transformed into a bedroom a couple years ago) and like I said previously, my mobility is limited and my husband won't be here until evening of then even, so I'm just hoping that it goes well...
Anyway, I think I've griped enough. I guess I just needed to vent in hopes it would stifle the tears. Even if temporarily. I don't really know if I have a basis for these feelings but regardless, they're there, though I may not have articulated it properly. Thats another issue I have. :-/