i'm starting to think i really am seriously messed up.
I am NOT ok. The moments where i think that maybe i'm not so bad are getting fewer and farther between. And much shorter in duration. I am just at a loss. I am not a strong person. In any way shape or form. It hontsly does not take much to cut me down & bring me to my knees. And somebody manages to do it almost on a dailyt basis. i can't help but think (or hear my inner voice telling myself) that anybody who ever saw me as a loser, or stupid, and there were many over the years--some were quite vocal about it, including at least one if not more who at least at one point really cared about me--that maybe they were right all along. How stupid i was to have ever thought otherwise. It just took me long enough to realise it myself, but i've kind of had it thrown in my face quite abit lately. I will admit right now that i obviously don't have a clue what i'm doing when it comes to raising kids. And does anybody really DO i wonder?? I don't know, althought i AM quite certain that many others who are much more emotionally stable & just over all less damaged than i must be able to handle the bumps alot easier than i can. Up until recently i thought i was doinbg an ok job. That it wasn't so hard & i even enjoyed it. Like sustained enjoyment. Now i find myself questioning myself all the time. Samantha at 13 is a much stronger and confident person than i will ever hope to be. She also knows exactly how to slice & dice me. And seems to do so without any regret. And i don't know how to talk to her about it. When we are getting along, things are great. She makes me laugh because she's genuinely funny. She absolutely could be anything when she grows up--she's so amazingly smart. She's so talented. So many things just seemingly come easy to her. But one of the things she could aslo be is a comedian--because she genuinely is that funny. She has amazing wit and timing with the things she says. But she can also be amazingly cruel & hurtful. or maybe thats just me being hyper sensative & accutely insecure. or a combination of both. Poor Lindsay is having issues now at school with her friends--or ones who one day are her friends only to no longer be her friends the next day. I got a phone call this evening from the mother of one of her friends--and its really conviluted--but ultimately the womans daughter was upset by something lindsay apparently said & the mother was really nice about it but wanted to call & see what i knew--which was NOTHING. I spoke with lindsay after telling the woman i would call her back, & i think i learned that there was an issue bewteen 3 friends actually--Lindsay & 2 other girls--who from the perspective of 4th graders, must feel that they can't all be friends at the same time--??? That if they're friends with one they can't be friends with the other and always at some point, one of them is the one getting hurt and currently it must be this other womans daughter. I'm not 100% sure, but i called her back explaining as much, and thanked her for calling me, and told her i hoped that they can all work it out between them. BUT! yes there's a BUT! BUT, Samantha involved herself in our discussion & while to a point i appreciated her in put, i quickly realised that she actually was taking over = cutting me off and becoming disrespectful and ultimately NOT helpful. When i try to express that to her, she polished her slicer & dicer and managed to get in a dig, saying that at least SHE knows what it`s like to actually HAVE friends. Wow. I felt that one. Unfortunately there is no way fro me to stiffle the tears that too quickly surfaced. I calmly again attempted to express that she needn`t speak like that, but that only resulted in her raising her voice saying that i was doing it to her first--then raised off the couch throwing the blanket that she was clutching in her hands at me and stormed out the room. I appologize to Lindsay for having to witness that then i appologized for being so emotional because by now i was a hot mess. She hugged me through her own tears and when i was able to begin talking to her as bext i could, i fumbling myh way through explaining how being a good friend is to make someone feel good about themselves. And how we always want ot treat others how we would like ot be treated. I don`t know how much faith she puts into my words though as i`m not obviously in a good place myself, but i simply don`t know how else to handle it. I don`t know what else to do. At least my tears have pretty much run dry for now it seems....
Some factors that may or may not play into my mess are:
-i got my period today.
-Gord is on another road trip for work. He`s been gone all but 2 weekends since sometime in February. He expects to be back within 2 weeks and with any luck-this will be the last long road trip he will be on. *fingers crossed*
-i still have issues with my mother though the stress has not been to the hihg levels it once was, but is still very much there. Its very evident when ever the phone rings & i dread when i see its her number becausei just don`t know what is going to be the problem & yes i always assume there is a problem.
one lesson learned is today is--in the future, when i need or want to have a delicate discussion with lindsay - or anyone of the kids - i will excuse ourselves to another room so that it is just us. If i had done that in the first place, the worst of this could possibly have been avoided completely. owell. too little too late. ::sigh::
I feel overwhelmed. I feel i can`t be everything everyone wants me to be. I don`t even know what i`m supposed ot be. I can only do the best i can do, but i;m painfully aware of how badly i`m doing it.
Some factors that may or may not play into my mess are:
-i got my period today.
-Gord is on another road trip for work. He`s been gone all but 2 weekends since sometime in February. He expects to be back within 2 weeks and with any luck-this will be the last long road trip he will be on. *fingers crossed*
-i still have issues with my mother though the stress has not been to the hihg levels it once was, but is still very much there. Its very evident when ever the phone rings & i dread when i see its her number becausei just don`t know what is going to be the problem & yes i always assume there is a problem.
one lesson learned is today is--in the future, when i need or want to have a delicate discussion with lindsay - or anyone of the kids - i will excuse ourselves to another room so that it is just us. If i had done that in the first place, the worst of this could possibly have been avoided completely. owell. too little too late. ::sigh::
I feel overwhelmed. I feel i can`t be everything everyone wants me to be. I don`t even know what i`m supposed ot be. I can only do the best i can do, but i;m painfully aware of how badly i`m doing it.