meltdown
Today started off as any other day, but it wasn't any other day and I think deep down inside I knew that it wasn't any other day.
I needed to go and get my new glasses fixed (yep, a little piece fell off this expensive eyewear). So, after I had that done, I headed off to Myer to buy not one, but TWO pairs of shoes. I probably DO need these if I'm going to go looking for a new job and with summer coming up, I don't have any summer shoes........ Well, that's how the self talk went, the reality was......i didn't REALLY need them. I think psychologically I wanted to distract myself from the rest of the day ahead and spending money was the way to do it.
So, I left Myer with my purchases. Not bad, 2 pair of shoes for $150.00 (20% off makes it better). I was conscious of the time and thought I should go and get food into me. I had a big afternoon ahead. So, I called in to get a magazine to read whilst relaxingly eating. Woman's Day had a coupon on the front for an Estee Lauder mascara and a mini makeover.....so forget lunch! I was off for my makeover. A girl sometimes needs to be made up!
After having my makeover and getting my FREE mascara, I ventured off to find food and eat. Sat quietly reading and eating and then thought.....well, must get home and get prepared.
Got home and sat down for 1/2 an hour and then picked up my Blood Glucose Monitor and the NEW Insulin Pen and headed off to the educator.
I thought I'd done so much self talk and convinced myself everything would be fine. We sat and talked for a while, went through my eating habits (you know, do you eat breakfast, etc) and then it was time for the moment of truth. I honestly thought I had psyched myself up for this moment. But the moment when I had to inject myself into my stomach as a trial injection...I froze! You could have put a spider in front of me and I had exactly the same effect. I couldn't do it. I started crying, not understanding this because I honestly thought I'd gone through all the scenarios.
She told me it was quite normal and that is why they have the trial injection, because around 98% of new insulin patients have the same issue. It's not the insulin, it's the injecting it into self that's the issue.
So, after many tears, and about 10 - 15 minutes of just bringing it closer and closer and then touching the skin........i finally bit the bullet and did it. It wasn't that hard! It didn't hurt! It felt WEIRD, but it didn't hurt.
I came home amazed with myself that I actually did that and confused that I had been so upset and unable to perform it originally. However, the biggest test was to come at dinner time.
The phone rang hot tonight and so I didn't get my dinner completed until nearly 8pm!!! My goodness, I never eat that late. But, I sat there with my pen in my hand, my dinner in front of me and dialled up the amount of insulin and took a deep breath, hesitated for just a moment and then stabbed myself and then it was all over.
Or so I thought...........
About 30 minutes later my mother rang. During the conversation, I became totally irrational and started sobbing uncontrollably. I had to get off the phone as I couldn't talk and was starting to hyperventilate. She rang back a few minutes later and told me she was coming over. I told her no, because I know she can't drive at night. I told her I'd be fine (in between racking sobs).
In the meantime another friend who happens to be a Critical Care Nurse rang and well, she could hear that I wasn't well and she wonderfully talked me through it all. So, by the time my mother got there, I had calmed down a bit.
I have no idea why, or how, but i'm glad i'm over it and I'm just so drained and spent, so now it's off to bed.
I needed to go and get my new glasses fixed (yep, a little piece fell off this expensive eyewear). So, after I had that done, I headed off to Myer to buy not one, but TWO pairs of shoes. I probably DO need these if I'm going to go looking for a new job and with summer coming up, I don't have any summer shoes........ Well, that's how the self talk went, the reality was......i didn't REALLY need them. I think psychologically I wanted to distract myself from the rest of the day ahead and spending money was the way to do it.
So, I left Myer with my purchases. Not bad, 2 pair of shoes for $150.00 (20% off makes it better). I was conscious of the time and thought I should go and get food into me. I had a big afternoon ahead. So, I called in to get a magazine to read whilst relaxingly eating. Woman's Day had a coupon on the front for an Estee Lauder mascara and a mini makeover.....so forget lunch! I was off for my makeover. A girl sometimes needs to be made up!
After having my makeover and getting my FREE mascara, I ventured off to find food and eat. Sat quietly reading and eating and then thought.....well, must get home and get prepared.
Got home and sat down for 1/2 an hour and then picked up my Blood Glucose Monitor and the NEW Insulin Pen and headed off to the educator.
I thought I'd done so much self talk and convinced myself everything would be fine. We sat and talked for a while, went through my eating habits (you know, do you eat breakfast, etc) and then it was time for the moment of truth. I honestly thought I had psyched myself up for this moment. But the moment when I had to inject myself into my stomach as a trial injection...I froze! You could have put a spider in front of me and I had exactly the same effect. I couldn't do it. I started crying, not understanding this because I honestly thought I'd gone through all the scenarios.
She told me it was quite normal and that is why they have the trial injection, because around 98% of new insulin patients have the same issue. It's not the insulin, it's the injecting it into self that's the issue.
So, after many tears, and about 10 - 15 minutes of just bringing it closer and closer and then touching the skin........i finally bit the bullet and did it. It wasn't that hard! It didn't hurt! It felt WEIRD, but it didn't hurt.
I came home amazed with myself that I actually did that and confused that I had been so upset and unable to perform it originally. However, the biggest test was to come at dinner time.
The phone rang hot tonight and so I didn't get my dinner completed until nearly 8pm!!! My goodness, I never eat that late. But, I sat there with my pen in my hand, my dinner in front of me and dialled up the amount of insulin and took a deep breath, hesitated for just a moment and then stabbed myself and then it was all over.
Or so I thought...........
About 30 minutes later my mother rang. During the conversation, I became totally irrational and started sobbing uncontrollably. I had to get off the phone as I couldn't talk and was starting to hyperventilate. She rang back a few minutes later and told me she was coming over. I told her no, because I know she can't drive at night. I told her I'd be fine (in between racking sobs).
In the meantime another friend who happens to be a Critical Care Nurse rang and well, she could hear that I wasn't well and she wonderfully talked me through it all. So, by the time my mother got there, I had calmed down a bit.
I have no idea why, or how, but i'm glad i'm over it and I'm just so drained and spent, so now it's off to bed.