(no subject)
Suicidal ideation is a pretty normal part of my life. Suicidal behaviour and ideation almost invariably result from feeling trapped, like there are no other options. The pathways from an event to the concluson that death is the only escape are, by now, well-worn and thus very very quick. There is an assumption that voicing anything to do with self-killing is intended to manipulate the other party, when it usually intended to get nothing more than some other option that my brain, locked as it is into the "can't escape - must die" cycle, can't see.
To people who only see the beginning and the end of these lightning-fast spirals from "minor event" or "innocuous utterance", they look like massive, insane overreactions. The truth of them is that once a tipping point has been hit, the calculation of negatives is very quick: you're talking on as if nothing has happened, or making tea, and I'm mentally working through a maze of dead-ends based on every single previous negative reply I've had from you or anyone else.
There are a set of entirely pessimistic assumptions at play, based on experience and innate paranoia: I don't believe in the kindness or complicity of anyone, or their generosity of spirit, no matter how much cause I might have. I can't only see the times they've said something dubious: launched an attack on my self-perception without realising it; said something disparaging about a facet of me they don't actually know about. Almost immediately the hatches get battened down: how can I escape from this person, how much of a hold do they have on me? The more of a hold you have, the more likely I am to extrapolate outwards that "everyone" thinks the same way I believe that you do.
In less than thirty seconds I go from equilibrium to global conspiracy, a homicidal indifference in every person on earth. No one will tolerate me, everyone secretly wants me to either stop being this person or stop being. Etc. Feeling trapped in a hostile world produces the desire, the NEED to not exist anymore. Ergo, suicide. Often just self-harm, hacking blindly at the body in the hopes that I can make myself Not Be and thus be spared the imagined hatred of "everyone."
This happens over tiny, tiny things. Things people don't notice. Invalidations. There is no point in bringing it up - someone will only complain about having to walk on eggshells. Why must I make them remember so many things. Why am I so self-involved. Etc.
You can't say things like "your status update about how you don't like people who x made me want to kill myself" because that's either hyperbolic, melodramatic, or unhinged. It's "manipulative". It's also the truth. For as long as that moodswing lasts, that is where I'm headed - down a very well-worn path into the middle of an angry black hole where death is the only solution and everyone will kick my corpse when I'm dead.