Starting Over

[apaisleygirl]

Amy awoke with a start, for a moment rather dazed as to where she was. Letting out a breath she hadn't realised she had been holding in, Amy looked down at Rory who was sleeping next to her. Pushing her hair away from her face, Amy sat there for a moment. She didn't want to wake him up, but she also knew it'd be impossible to get back to sleep now

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[nurse_boy]

A few minutes later--or several,it's hard to tell--the sounds of Rory waking and moving about the bedroom drift into the kitchen. The sound of the closet door opening and closing, the tap running in the bathroom, then heavy footsteps padding across the carpet before Rory appears in the kitchen doorway. He's got his house robe on over his pajamas, feet bare, hair sticking up in seventeen different directions, and is failing to suppress a yawn.

"Morning," he says sleepily to her back. "You're up early."

Honestly, any time before eleven on the weekends, like today, is early for Amy.

[apaisleygirl]

When she heard Rory getting up and ready for the day, Amy quickly wiped her face with the large sleeve of her dressing gown. Fixing coffee for the both of them, Amy curled back up into her chair, watching as the steam seeped out of the untouched mug closest to her.

Turning her head to look at him briefly, Amy nodded in reply. "Couldn't sleep." She told him dully, trying not to make it obvious that she had just been crying and there was a lot on her mind. They hadn't exactly spoken much about adjusting to this situation, it was still too new, too raw. "I made you coffee." Amy reached out to grab her own, trying subtly to cover her face with it.

[nurse_boy]

"You are brilliant," he says with feeling, and pauses to kiss the top of her head as he goes past her to take his seat on the opposite side of the small table. His hands wrap around his mug almost greedily, and as he breathes in the aroma of coffee his expression settles into something like peace.

He's still an Englishman at heart and will always prefer tea, but Rory hadn't made it through medical school on Earl Grey alone. It's been a boon to him here as well--those Torchwood blokes said he couldn't very well be a nurse now (one of them had even laughed!) and judged his knowledge and experience to be the rough equivalent of a doctor just starting his residency. So they had set Rory up with the papers and documentation to place him right back in medical school, training to be an actual doctor this time around

[apaisleygirl]

A forced smile tugged at her lips as she peered over her coffee mug at him briefly. Bringing her feet up onto her chair, she rested her knees against her chest as she picked absently at a loose thread of her dressing gown. She hadn't had the money to buy any of her own clothing yet, but Torchwood had been kind enough to get them some century appropriate clothing. She certainly wasn't crazy about them, but walking around in what she'd normally wear, well... She'd certainly not get a job that way

[nurse_boy]

Rory is only able to watch Amy verbally waffle for a moment before his eyes drop down to his mug, and he picks up his spoon to stir idly at it. She might think she's doing a good job of hiding her feelings--and, well, for Amy she rather is--but he can see it all plain as day, every forced smile and every awkward pause like a knife in his chest. All he can think is, it's my fault. My fault. My fault that she's stuck here and stagnating--

He takes another sip of his coffee. "Nope," he replies quietly. "It's Saturday. No school." Another turn of the spoon in his coffee. "You've got"--boring old--"me all to yourself."

[apaisleygirl]

And Amy knew that he could see past her façade, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to keep it up. "Oh, right." The days seemed to go on forever here, and she hated it. It just gave her more time to think about things she'd rather not think about. So she was relieved to know that Rory was at least home today. "You make it sound like that's a bad thing." Amy moved her leg out to nudge him in his leg with her foot. Clearly, to her, it wasn't. "We should go do something today though, I'm pretty sure I've counted all the flowers on the wallpaper at this point." Basically, she was going insane being in this small apartment.

[nurse_boy]

Her foot nudge get a small, but real, smile out of him.

"It could be," he counters. "Because--"

Okay, he is stopping that joke in its tracks because he knows it will go down badly. Because admit it, I'm boring. He doesn't suffer any illusions as to how exciting he is in comparison to, say, the Doctor--or anyone else really--because he's happiest when he has routines and things he can anticipate coming. Not surprises or the constant fear of death. At least, he's pretty sure he's happiest that way. He had been back in Leadworth

[apaisleygirl]

And in return, a genuine, yet small smile came to her lips. She was expecting him to talk down on himself, and Amy couldn't help but give him the 'don't you dare' look from her seat. Thankfully, he seemed to stop himself. Good, saved her from telling him to shut his face and to stop being stupid.

Finally, for the first time since their arrival here, Amy finally said something. Granted, it was a bit of an outburst, but she could only hold it in for so long. "I hate it here, Rory." She was so bloody frustrated, it would've only been a matter of time. "I hate this place."

[nurse_boy]

Which completely takes him by surprise; his eyes go wide and he rears back in his seat a little.

Well... maybe not completely. He's known Amy's frustration has been a pressure cooker waiting to explode, and he knew it was going to happen eventually--it's just so sudden, a complete one-eighty from the quiet, sullen Amy of a second ago.

"I'm--I--" he stammers. The venom in her voice is like a slap to the cheek. "I'm--I know. I know you do."

[apaisleygirl]

Eyes welling up with tears, Amy's breathing began to get heavier. She bit down on her tongue hard when she finally noticed the look on Rory's face. She had hurt him, and she'd be stupid to think that what she had just said wouldn't. Amy would never blame Rory for what had happened to him, because it wasn't. She chose to stay with him as well, how could she not? Without him in her life, there was nothing for her.

Finally she brought a hand up to her mouth as tears spilled down her face. "I'm sorry." She choked out. "I didn't mean to..." Didn't mean to what? Tell him the truth? No, she didn't regret that. She did, however, regret saying it the way she did. "I don't blame you Rory." Her hand moved away from her mouth. "I just miss our old life." And while she didn't want to say it out loud, she felt like an outcast. This feeling was all too familiar for her.

[nurse_boy]

Rory is out of his seat and coming around the table to lean over and put his arms around her shoulders the second he sees the first tear fall. "Shhh," he murmurs, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. "I know. I know. It's alright. I miss it too."

At least this way she can't see the guilt crashing over his face. She might not blame him, but he does. He should have paid more attention, been more careful, not created a paradox that meant he could never leave here ever again. His fault that Amy was forced to make a choice. He's pretty sure he could even find a reason to blame himself for the fact that Amy loved him enough to stay.

"But..." And here he sighs, and rubs her arms like he's trying to coax warmth back into them. "Nothing--nothing we can do about it except... make do."

[apaisleygirl]

This precisely why she didn't want him to see her cry, even if he wouldn't admit it, she knew he felt guilty for what had happened. Leaning into his chest, Amy kept her arms wrapped around herself as she stared ahead of him. Eyes focusing on his abandoned cup of coffee as she tries to pull herself together again. Or at least to stop the tears from gushing down her cheeks uncontrollably like they were right now.

Closing her eyes tightly, she turns her face into his chest. "I know." She croaks out. Doesn't mean she has to like it. "I'm sorry."

[nurse_boy]

He shakes his head and shushes her, briefly turning his face to press a kiss into her hair. "Don't apologize," he says. "You've got nothing to apologize for. You... it's not your fault."

[apaisleygirl]

Exhaling shakily, Amy finally opened her eyes to look up at him. "It's not your fault either." She reminded him, and she was sure even by saying that, he would still find a way to blame himself. "So don't you even dare try and blame yourself for what happened."

[nurse_boy]

Rory pulls away then, just enough to look back down at her, and frowns as guilt and shame and even a bit of irritation bubbles up inside of him.

"It is though," he replies. "My fault. You know it is--I know it is--and--and we can't just pretend it isn't."

[apaisleygirl]

His words hurt her more than she let on. She didn't believe that, not for a second. "You had no control over this happening, Rory. This is so much better than the-" Amy cut herself off, knowing she wouldn't be able to finish that sentence.