Starting Over

[apaisleygirl]

Amy awoke with a start, for a moment rather dazed as to where she was. Letting out a breath she hadn't realised she had been holding in, Amy looked down at Rory who was sleeping next to her. Pushing her hair away from her face, Amy sat there for a moment. She didn't want to wake him up, but she also knew it'd be impossible to get back to sleep now

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[apaisleygirl]

A forced smile tugged at her lips as she peered over her coffee mug at him briefly. Bringing her feet up onto her chair, she rested her knees against her chest as she picked absently at a loose thread of her dressing gown. She hadn't had the money to buy any of her own clothing yet, but Torchwood had been kind enough to get them some century appropriate clothing. She certainly wasn't crazy about them, but walking around in what she'd normally wear, well... She'd certainly not get a job that way.

She had one briefly, a job, when she first arrived here. Torchwood had provided her with one, but she did not like it at all, it reminded her too much of her old lifestyle with The Doctor. It was still fresh and raw, and she couldn't allow herself to think about anything remotely to do with her old life. Otherwise she ended up with what had happened to her just a few minutes prior to Rory waking up. She couldn't just stay at home all day either though, it drove her insane.

Noticing her husband was staring at her, Amy cleared her throat awkwardly and finally pulled her mug away from her. Setting it down at the table, Amy chewed on the inside of her lip. "Well, he has to be awake at this hour, so does everyone else." Amy said sarcastically, voice sounding a bit raw at the moment. "Hm? Oh, erm... No. Not really." Of course, she wasn't going to tell him the real reason as to why she was awake so early. "I-erm, it was Mr. Reynolds, he was stomping around up there."

Pulling the newspaper closer to her, Amy opened it to the job section. "Besides, I need to find a job today. Can't just sit here all day, can I?" And another forced smile directed at her husband. "Do you have school today?" She was still getting used to his new schedule. Selfishly, however, Amy was hoping he didn't have to go into the city today. She couldn't stand another day home alone.

[nurse_boy]

Rory is only able to watch Amy verbally waffle for a moment before his eyes drop down to his mug, and he picks up his spoon to stir idly at it. She might think she's doing a good job of hiding her feelings--and, well, for Amy she rather is--but he can see it all plain as day, every forced smile and every awkward pause like a knife in his chest. All he can think is, it's my fault. My fault. My fault that she's stuck here and stagnating--

He takes another sip of his coffee. "Nope," he replies quietly. "It's Saturday. No school." Another turn of the spoon in his coffee. "You've got"--boring old--"me all to yourself."

[apaisleygirl]

And Amy knew that he could see past her façade, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to keep it up. "Oh, right." The days seemed to go on forever here, and she hated it. It just gave her more time to think about things she'd rather not think about. So she was relieved to know that Rory was at least home today. "You make it sound like that's a bad thing." Amy moved her leg out to nudge him in his leg with her foot. Clearly, to her, it wasn't. "We should go do something today though, I'm pretty sure I've counted all the flowers on the wallpaper at this point." Basically, she was going insane being in this small apartment.

[nurse_boy]

Her foot nudge get a small, but real, smile out of him.

"It could be," he counters. "Because--"

Okay, he is stopping that joke in its tracks because he knows it will go down badly. Because admit it, I'm boring. He doesn't suffer any illusions as to how exciting he is in comparison to, say, the Doctor--or anyone else really--because he's happiest when he has routines and things he can anticipate coming. Not surprises or the constant fear of death. At least, he's pretty sure he's happiest that way. He had been back in Leadworth.

Instead, he shrugs and clears his throat to cover up his abrupt stop. "Well, because, you know me." She can interpret that however she likes; meanwhile, he's moving on to her next remark. "Hmm. Right. What could we do... well, the weather looks like it'll be nice, we could go for a walk down the park, or... well--could take a train into the city for the day and just--I dunno--walk around there..."

Torchwood had set them up with a bank account too, but they aren't exactly well-off. If they were they probably would have gone back to England already, but as it is they can't afford the cost of a trans-Atlantic move yet.

[apaisleygirl]

And in return, a genuine, yet small smile came to her lips. She was expecting him to talk down on himself, and Amy couldn't help but give him the 'don't you dare' look from her seat. Thankfully, he seemed to stop himself. Good, saved her from telling him to shut his face and to stop being stupid.

Finally, for the first time since their arrival here, Amy finally said something. Granted, it was a bit of an outburst, but she could only hold it in for so long. "I hate it here, Rory." She was so bloody frustrated, it would've only been a matter of time. "I hate this place."

[nurse_boy]

Which completely takes him by surprise; his eyes go wide and he rears back in his seat a little.

Well... maybe not completely. He's known Amy's frustration has been a pressure cooker waiting to explode, and he knew it was going to happen eventually--it's just so sudden, a complete one-eighty from the quiet, sullen Amy of a second ago.

"I'm--I--" he stammers. The venom in her voice is like a slap to the cheek. "I'm--I know. I know you do."

[apaisleygirl]

Eyes welling up with tears, Amy's breathing began to get heavier. She bit down on her tongue hard when she finally noticed the look on Rory's face. She had hurt him, and she'd be stupid to think that what she had just said wouldn't. Amy would never blame Rory for what had happened to him, because it wasn't. She chose to stay with him as well, how could she not? Without him in her life, there was nothing for her.

Finally she brought a hand up to her mouth as tears spilled down her face. "I'm sorry." She choked out. "I didn't mean to..." Didn't mean to what? Tell him the truth? No, she didn't regret that. She did, however, regret saying it the way she did. "I don't blame you Rory." Her hand moved away from her mouth. "I just miss our old life." And while she didn't want to say it out loud, she felt like an outcast. This feeling was all too familiar for her.

[nurse_boy]

Rory is out of his seat and coming around the table to lean over and put his arms around her shoulders the second he sees the first tear fall. "Shhh," he murmurs, pressing his cheek to the top of her head. "I know. I know. It's alright. I miss it too."

At least this way she can't see the guilt crashing over his face. She might not blame him, but he does. He should have paid more attention, been more careful, not created a paradox that meant he could never leave here ever again. His fault that Amy was forced to make a choice. He's pretty sure he could even find a reason to blame himself for the fact that Amy loved him enough to stay.

"But..." And here he sighs, and rubs her arms like he's trying to coax warmth back into them. "Nothing--nothing we can do about it except... make do."

[apaisleygirl]

This precisely why she didn't want him to see her cry, even if he wouldn't admit it, she knew he felt guilty for what had happened. Leaning into his chest, Amy kept her arms wrapped around herself as she stared ahead of him. Eyes focusing on his abandoned cup of coffee as she tries to pull herself together again. Or at least to stop the tears from gushing down her cheeks uncontrollably like they were right now.

Closing her eyes tightly, she turns her face into his chest. "I know." She croaks out. Doesn't mean she has to like it. "I'm sorry."

[nurse_boy]

He shakes his head and shushes her, briefly turning his face to press a kiss into her hair. "Don't apologize," he says. "You've got nothing to apologize for. You... it's not your fault."

[apaisleygirl]

Exhaling shakily, Amy finally opened her eyes to look up at him. "It's not your fault either." She reminded him, and she was sure even by saying that, he would still find a way to blame himself. "So don't you even dare try and blame yourself for what happened."

[nurse_boy]

Rory pulls away then, just enough to look back down at her, and frowns as guilt and shame and even a bit of irritation bubbles up inside of him.

"It is though," he replies. "My fault. You know it is--I know it is--and--and we can't just pretend it isn't."

[apaisleygirl]

His words hurt her more than she let on. She didn't believe that, not for a second. "You had no control over this happening, Rory. This is so much better than the-" Amy cut herself off, knowing she wouldn't be able to finish that sentence.

[nurse_boy]

His frown only deepens, this time with confusion. "Better than what?" he asks, standing up straight and letting his arms fall away from her.

[apaisleygirl]

Amy hadn't wanted to finish that sentence, but he was clearly not getting it. Just how powerful these things were. "The angels can kill people, Rory. They are more powerful than I even imagined."

"You got lucky. We both did."

[nurse_boy]

And now Rory can't help but fold his arms across his chest, feeling the irritation surge again--she's talking to him like he's a child, his insecurity is saying, like he's an idiot and not actually a well-seasoned traveler of time and space like herself.

"I know that," he mutters, eyes trained on the floor. "The Doctor told me all about them. What they do. But still... if I'd been more careful, paid more attention, then maybe I--"