Baby Cthulhu weeps for decent literature.
I'm sixteen and I've never been half as bitchy as this girl is in four short paragraphs.
Story or Series Title: Spirited Away: Trials
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
Culprit Author's Name: kossmoe
Summary: CH 3+4 UP!! Chihiro committed suicide in the Ohaku river to be with Haku forever. However, a dark creature counteracts that, and holds Chihiro prisoner. With her parents captured as well, the only hope for the family is Chihiro's younger sister, Kiutsu.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Kiutsu Ogino
Full Species(es): Younger Sibling Hero Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not described (heavily implied through dialogue that it looks like Chihiro's)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described (see above)
Unusual Markings/Colorations: She has porcelain skin. What the hell? Again, has anyone here seen anything that could be consider 'porcelain skin' in the Ogino family?
Special Possessions (if any): An "iced-nitrogen heart" and her very own dragon-boy.
Annoying Origin: She's Chihiro's eleven-year old sister, who acts like an immensely selfish teenager. She angsts, contemplates suicide, and somehow manages to get into Aburaya by tripping while crossing a river. It's a stream. Know the difference.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Chihiro's younger sister. Aw, look Kiutsu, you made Baby Cthulhu cry again.
Annoying Special Abilities: To angst, change dispositions in a heartbeat, angst, be moody, angst, and do everything Chihiro did. "But it's original 'cause it's an original character!" No, she's doing everything Chihiro did. That is not original.
Other Annoying Traits: She's so brilliantly sarcastic and witty!
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Kiutsu Ogino was in the gloomiest of her moods, at the funeral of her older sister, two days after she was found drowned in a nearby river. Kiutsu was in a dark stance; black shadows fell where her eyes should have been from how she had her head bowed in frightful stance.
Kiutsu was never truly close to her sister, as Chihiro seemed to be somewhere else all of her life. Kiutsu was only eleven, but she knew-or perhaps sensed-that there was something wrong with Chihiro from the moment she was able to comprehend.
Her hard gaze feathered out, and eventually landed on the casket. It was about to be lowered into the grave by which she stood. The grave was deep, and Kiutsu's fear of heights gripped her as she looked down into the chasm. She felt like shouting.
Somebody rip my heart out. Just leave me here to bleed to death.
I'd love to but the damn fic won't let me.
Her eyes wandered back towards the casket, it was a closed funeral. Her parents wouldn't let her see the body, and she figured that being in the water for the amount of time it was would have made the body bloated and not very pleasant looking. They said there was a sort of incomplete look to it, like something was missing. Kiutsu wondered what they really meant.
Drowning. What a horrible death.
As thoughts whirled around her head at light speed, soon the funeral was over. It seemed late in the afternoon, perhaps around five or so. Her parents lingered, staring down at the fresh grave with blank looks on their faces. Finally, her mother fell to her knees and broke down sobbing uncontrollably. Her father calmed her, but did not try to stop her from grieving.
Kiutsu watched with her heart in her mouth as a silent tear fell down from her father's face, landing on the freshly dug grave. Kiutsu half-expected that tear to break some horrible spell, and Chihiro would be back, alive.and they'd be together again. like in a fairy tale.
But Kiutsu knew.life was no fairy tale.
Kiutsu felt a warm, stray, single tear slide down her cheek, and she sniffled. Her face was hot, and she rarely showed emotion. But she was crying, even if only slightly. Her face was like porcelin and her usually iced-nitrogen heart was shattered, as the jagged parts of ice dug into her internally, slashing her open.
"AH CRAP!" Kiutsu swore into her sweatshirt, to lower the volume on the scream. Tai looked at her with the weirdest expression on his face.
"What the . . . what was that scream for?" He looked back at the path as a ghost looking thing passed by, and ducked down into the shrubbery to speak to the lost girl.
"Grr . . . look at me! I'm like disintegrating!" Kiutsu started to panic; looking through her hands wasn't one of her day-to-day experiences. She noticed as parts of her began to become transparent, like someone was trying to fade her out like a picture on Photoshop.
"Oh . . . uh oh . . . what was it my brother gave me for this sort of material . . ." Tai frowned and dug around in the pocket of his jacket, with a Nike symbol on it, a symbol of America. Kiutsu didn't notice that the Japanese boy was wearing American clothes, because she was in a much more important predicament.
Tai then pulled out a tiny, pea-pod like fruit, and inspected it for a moment then thrust it out towards Kiutsu.
"Nu! I'm not eating that! It's black for heaven's sake!" Kiutsu whimpered, resisting the fruit.
"Geez . . . you have to eat fruit from this world I believe . . . you do know you're in a different world?"
"Well, I--" Kiutsu was interrupted briefly while she tenderly bit at the fruit, and chewed and swallowed. It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad. It was somewhat of a mild taste, but didn't taste like anything she had ever eaten before. "No, I didn't know I was in another world," She cleared her throat. "Oh . . . alright! I think we've got it licked! Like your sister, you just stumbled into here by accident, not knowing it was here?" Tai inquired, shooting off questions at Kiutsu that made her feel like she was in the middle of a Spanish inquisition.
" . . . err . . . you're going too fast here . . ." Kiutsu swallowed the rest of the fruit, attempting not to gag on the sour, putrid taste of the middle of the fruit.
"Hey! Look, the fruit is working!" Tai was the first to notice that Kiutsu was beginning to fade back in. Kiutsu noticed for herself this fact, and began to celebrate.
The grammar and spelling are rather good, I'll certainly (and happily) admit that. The problem is that while I think the basic concept had merit, it didn't turn out terribly good, in large part because of the annoyance that is Kiutsu and the lack of any focus on the basic concept. The entire fic - except for two small parts - is centered around Kiutsu and her (remarkably familiar) adventure to Aburaya. That she even has her own dragon boy is the kicker, though he has no personality outside of Helpful Guy.
I feel bad for Tai.
The writer states that this is sixteen years after Chihiro was at Aburaya, but her death (according to the fic) is in 2014; considering SA takes place in 2001, that would be thirteen years. Meh? But I'm nitpicking.
Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6
Story or Series Title: Spirited Away: Trials
Fandom: Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi/Spirited Away
Culprit Author's Name: kossmoe
Summary: CH 3+4 UP!! Chihiro committed suicide in the Ohaku river to be with Haku forever. However, a dark creature counteracts that, and holds Chihiro prisoner. With her parents captured as well, the only hope for the family is Chihiro's younger sister, Kiutsu.
Full Name (plus titles if any): Kiutsu Ogino
Full Species(es): Younger Sibling Hero Sue
Hair Color (include adjectives): Not described (heavily implied through dialogue that it looks like Chihiro's)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Not described (see above)
Unusual Markings/Colorations: She has porcelain skin. What the hell? Again, has anyone here seen anything that could be consider 'porcelain skin' in the Ogino family?
Special Possessions (if any): An "iced-nitrogen heart" and her very own dragon-boy.
Annoying Origin: She's Chihiro's eleven-year old sister, who acts like an immensely selfish teenager. She angsts, contemplates suicide, and somehow manages to get into Aburaya by tripping while crossing a river. It's a stream. Know the difference.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Chihiro's younger sister. Aw, look Kiutsu, you made Baby Cthulhu cry again.
Annoying Special Abilities: To angst, change dispositions in a heartbeat, angst, be moody, angst, and do everything Chihiro did. "But it's original 'cause it's an original character!" No, she's doing everything Chihiro did. That is not original.
Other Annoying Traits: She's so brilliantly sarcastic and witty!
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Kiutsu Ogino was in the gloomiest of her moods, at the funeral of her older sister, two days after she was found drowned in a nearby river. Kiutsu was in a dark stance; black shadows fell where her eyes should have been from how she had her head bowed in frightful stance.
Kiutsu was never truly close to her sister, as Chihiro seemed to be somewhere else all of her life. Kiutsu was only eleven, but she knew-or perhaps sensed-that there was something wrong with Chihiro from the moment she was able to comprehend.
Her hard gaze feathered out, and eventually landed on the casket. It was about to be lowered into the grave by which she stood. The grave was deep, and Kiutsu's fear of heights gripped her as she looked down into the chasm. She felt like shouting.
Somebody rip my heart out. Just leave me here to bleed to death.
I'd love to but the damn fic won't let me.
Her eyes wandered back towards the casket, it was a closed funeral. Her parents wouldn't let her see the body, and she figured that being in the water for the amount of time it was would have made the body bloated and not very pleasant looking. They said there was a sort of incomplete look to it, like something was missing. Kiutsu wondered what they really meant.
Drowning. What a horrible death.
As thoughts whirled around her head at light speed, soon the funeral was over. It seemed late in the afternoon, perhaps around five or so. Her parents lingered, staring down at the fresh grave with blank looks on their faces. Finally, her mother fell to her knees and broke down sobbing uncontrollably. Her father calmed her, but did not try to stop her from grieving.
Kiutsu watched with her heart in her mouth as a silent tear fell down from her father's face, landing on the freshly dug grave. Kiutsu half-expected that tear to break some horrible spell, and Chihiro would be back, alive.and they'd be together again. like in a fairy tale.
But Kiutsu knew.life was no fairy tale.
Kiutsu felt a warm, stray, single tear slide down her cheek, and she sniffled. Her face was hot, and she rarely showed emotion. But she was crying, even if only slightly. Her face was like porcelin and her usually iced-nitrogen heart was shattered, as the jagged parts of ice dug into her internally, slashing her open.
"AH CRAP!" Kiutsu swore into her sweatshirt, to lower the volume on the scream. Tai looked at her with the weirdest expression on his face.
"What the . . . what was that scream for?" He looked back at the path as a ghost looking thing passed by, and ducked down into the shrubbery to speak to the lost girl.
"Grr . . . look at me! I'm like disintegrating!" Kiutsu started to panic; looking through her hands wasn't one of her day-to-day experiences. She noticed as parts of her began to become transparent, like someone was trying to fade her out like a picture on Photoshop.
"Oh . . . uh oh . . . what was it my brother gave me for this sort of material . . ." Tai frowned and dug around in the pocket of his jacket, with a Nike symbol on it, a symbol of America. Kiutsu didn't notice that the Japanese boy was wearing American clothes, because she was in a much more important predicament.
Tai then pulled out a tiny, pea-pod like fruit, and inspected it for a moment then thrust it out towards Kiutsu.
"Nu! I'm not eating that! It's black for heaven's sake!" Kiutsu whimpered, resisting the fruit.
"Geez . . . you have to eat fruit from this world I believe . . . you do know you're in a different world?"
"Well, I--" Kiutsu was interrupted briefly while she tenderly bit at the fruit, and chewed and swallowed. It wasn't good, but it wasn't bad. It was somewhat of a mild taste, but didn't taste like anything she had ever eaten before. "No, I didn't know I was in another world," She cleared her throat. "Oh . . . alright! I think we've got it licked! Like your sister, you just stumbled into here by accident, not knowing it was here?" Tai inquired, shooting off questions at Kiutsu that made her feel like she was in the middle of a Spanish inquisition.
" . . . err . . . you're going too fast here . . ." Kiutsu swallowed the rest of the fruit, attempting not to gag on the sour, putrid taste of the middle of the fruit.
"Hey! Look, the fruit is working!" Tai was the first to notice that Kiutsu was beginning to fade back in. Kiutsu noticed for herself this fact, and began to celebrate.
The grammar and spelling are rather good, I'll certainly (and happily) admit that. The problem is that while I think the basic concept had merit, it didn't turn out terribly good, in large part because of the annoyance that is Kiutsu and the lack of any focus on the basic concept. The entire fic - except for two small parts - is centered around Kiutsu and her (remarkably familiar) adventure to Aburaya. That she even has her own dragon boy is the kicker, though he has no personality outside of Helpful Guy.
I feel bad for Tai.
The writer states that this is sixteen years after Chihiro was at Aburaya, but her death (according to the fic) is in 2014; considering SA takes place in 2001, that would be thirteen years. Meh? But I'm nitpicking.
Godawful Fanfic Rating: 4/6