Regret
I wish I had kept better record of things in the past. I just feel like I did a poor job chronicling all the things I wish I had now. At the time, it seemed like it was none of anyone's business but I wish I had at least recorded things in a private entry or something. All the little squabbles I had or small fights. What they were about who said what to who and how the whole thing resolved. I feel like there is life in those conflicts. Those sorts of things define friendships and I wish I could remember what they were all about rather than just that they existed. Looking back at old journals (as I am wont to do from time to time.) I only ever recorded things when I was confused or in a bad place. When things were good and happy I never journaled about it. I really wish I had. I wish I had written everything and anything just so I would still have it now. While I am sure most of it was petty and honestly best forgotten there was much of it, I'm sure, that I wish I could still hold onto today. For example; I know Zoe and I fought several times in such a way that neither of us would talk to one another, I know I said things that would upset Bonnie for days until we eventually didn't talk about it and pretended it didn't happen, I know I had more than my fair share of fights with Santina and these are just while the journal was in use. I wish I could have recorded memories from shows, gatherings, and adventures I had with specific people aside from glossy recap. I wish I could have been more vivid. I feel like a lot of this is lost to the sands of time now. A lot of my foundation is still there, still guiding me but sometimes I might build in spite of it instead of because of it. It's a tough thing to think about, I just wish I had been more forward thinking.
With all of that said, I doubt it will change. How can I expect myself to know what is important in the future? How can I be responsible for recording things I don't know will one day be important? I think this week, I might try it. Tomorrow I will set up the record for what has come so far this week. Maybe I can get into a routine. I don't want to lose my memories any longer. I want to keep them and hold on to them. They are important to me. I regret that it hasn't happened yet.
With all of that said, I doubt it will change. How can I expect myself to know what is important in the future? How can I be responsible for recording things I don't know will one day be important? I think this week, I might try it. Tomorrow I will set up the record for what has come so far this week. Maybe I can get into a routine. I don't want to lose my memories any longer. I want to keep them and hold on to them. They are important to me. I regret that it hasn't happened yet.