PARENTHETICALS!
So I probably won't use this thing for what I said I wanted to use it for. It just isn't interesting to me to write down everything that happened even though I know it would help me in the long run and I will be frustrated I didn't do it later. Ah well. C'est la vie. I think I will keep using it for musings and things and I would like to try to keep that daily. Any daily writing is a step in the right direction (but as with all of its ilk we will see how daily it is when I am at school). I am not feeling quite so stressed about everything today as I have been the past two days. It was an awful lot of stress than made me purge that entry from my brain two days ago and the last one was fueled with much of that too. I blame Mark. Mark was sort of the lynch-pin of all of that relationship crap. He was always there. He took Mandy when she and I fell apart (not that there was ever anything there. Reading back over old journals and re-reading them as who I am now there was never anything there at all. I wish she hadn't held my fucking hand on Halloween though... that fucked with me more than anything. Mark was who I was convinced I had lost a relationship with Kira too but really Kira never wanted the relationship in the first place, she just wanted the sex I wasn't willing to give at that stage in my life. And finally he was there while he was still with Santina and I was with Bonnie. Honestly, I owe Mark quite a bit. He did his best to help with the Kira thing and after getting a chance to talk to him in a completely open and honest way he did a lot to keep her away because he knew how I felt. He also was the one who told me about the position at the keep to which I owe much of my current goals and aspirations so while I hated Mark for a little while (from Mandy to just before Bonnie) I certainly do not any more. He didn't do anything. All the failings in my relationships over the years have been me.
I think it is interesting that in the previous posting I left out Jessie. When I think about Jessie now there is nothing there and there never was. Reading over the history of my life in LJ form last night I realized there was quite a bit more there than I had remembered that came between the Mandy phase and the Kira saga. I don't really know what to make of this. I don't know if it was out of sight out of mind for the both of us but there was a serious connection there at one point. I'd like to sit her down and talk to her about it someday, though I am sure I never will. I'd love to sit down and talk to Kira too. That would be a serious laugh. As far as Bonnie goes, I feel like we would almost be the most likely to actually talk about our relationship if we were ever to sit down and talk. i don't think Jessie and I would approach it and I don't think Kira would either (though I could be wrong here) but if Bonnie and I were to sit down and talk I feel like it would be the elephant in the room we would have to address. With Kira it would be objective discussion of how I view it all now while we laugh about how naive I was. With Jessie I am genuinely curious if there was ever anything there or if I made it all up and if there was what happened to it. I just don't know. I have nothing to say to Mandy.
Anecdote time; the day I asked Bonnie to the homecoming dance which we would consider our first date and our first day dating (although it was so awkward knowing where that line was drawn at first don't even get me started on the day in between our first date and our second. Actually it's my journal, I want to tell that anecdote after also.) we were in Journalism class. I had just come off the Kira departure with the kiss goodbye (my first kiss, might I add) about a month ago, maybe a little more, and the one thing I had learned from the whole fiasco was that I wasn't going to sit idly by and let another girl slip through my fingers. It just wasn't going to happen. Anyway, we were sitting in Journalism and it was probably two weeks into September almost because I said I was going to my friend Jessie's birthday who was turning *dun dun dun dah!* 16. We had just been chatting normally but when I brought it up she went quiet. This was about 2 or 3 weeks before the homecoming dance the first week of October. When I noticed he sort of fade in happiness at the mention of Jessie I remember having a second of internal dialouge. I said "Okay, what do you have to lose? Besides... you've tried it the other way and it has never worked." So I turned around and I looked at Bonnie and I said "Are you going to homecoming?" And she said "I don't know yet, probably not." and I said "Oh, well I was hoping you were because I thought maybe you'd go with me." and her eyes went wide and she sort of drifted up to me and she was looking at me completely shocked and she said "Me?" and I said "Yeah." and she was like "Sure. Okay. Yeah. That would be awesome." and I smiled and said "cool." and on the inside I was so pumped I could hardly breathe. I had started liking Bonnie just a few days before but I had convinced myself I wasn't going to let the same old same old happen. It was, in the end however, talking about Jessie that gave me the confidence I needed to ask Bonnie out.
So the other anecdote is also a Bonnie one (I swear I didn't intend for this to happen before I got here). The night of the homecoming dance we got together awkwardly and went to the dance. We didn't talk or interact or really even look at each other because of nerves and what not. When the first slow song came on and we had a dance everything changed. She leaned into me and we were as close as we could be and for the rest of the night we didn't stop holding hands and looking at each other and talking and laughing. All the awkwardness had melted away. And when I walked her to her front door, neither of us wearing shoes because we could, I kissed her goodnight and felt myself explode with joy. If I had been alone I would have bolted full force down the street jumping and smiling and shouting. I wasn't alone. Bonnie used to talk about how she went to the other side of her door and almost fainted from excitement. It was awesome for both of us. A very rare moment in the world I think. I think it is a really good moment to associate with the good of the relationship Bonnie and I had. We were excited about it. It was something we both wanted very much at the start. There are good things all the way through it. I think another positive to it is that we would have been able to live together without a problem (in fact it was the living apart that did us in) and the night where I broke down in front of her because I just couldn't deal with the terror of not going to college and being stuck in Maine for the rest of my life. She's the only person I have ever done that with (although the timing was right).
Anyway, that was important so that I could share this. That evening (a Thursday) we had made plans for the following Saturday which was her birthday. We were going to meet in town (damn, there is an anecdote to this too.) and go for a walk. I was dropped off early and my parents left to run errands. What I was not aware of, was that one of the errands they were running was to get new phones thereby shutting off the ones we already had mere minutes before Bonnie and I were supposed to try to get connected up (In fact if I remember correctly, and I will check and see if I wrote it the first time and edit accordingly if I did, though my records are scarce on this time period (because it was good) I think I called her, got connected and then they shut the phone off). Also, it was raining. So we are both walking around, completely unaware of where the other one was with no way to communicate in the rain. However, I did find her, and despite a dinner I doubt either of us actually liked (Indian food? What were we thinking?) we had a pretty good time (that didn't turn out as long as I feared.)
The hysterical awkward interaction was the day in between. The Friday, as I remember it, was the release day for Ravnica: City of Guilds, a magic set. Mikey, Caleb, and I were at the release day tournament so we had come into town early. Now everything hadn't gotten started yet so we wanted to go walk around a bit. Now I don't remember why we went to Wild Oats, it doesn't seem like something we would do. It was probably Caleb's fault. When we arrived we bumped into Bonnie, Santinia, and some other people. At first Bonnie and I didn't know how to react. We were just like "uh. Hey." "Hi...". We all stood and talked for a while and then when we went to leave there was a really awkward hug. It was hilarious. Neither of us were really sure what was going on; the next day though, it was clear we were dating. (kinda, I still didn't know for a long time until she introduced me as her boyfriend a week and a half later. Also, we later had to decide on an anniversary date. It made sense to go with homecoming.)
Well those are my anecdotes about the beginning of my relationship with Bonnie (which all together is like one big long anecdote). I don't know where that came from, but that's fine. Also, check out all the parentheticals in this journal. Awesome.
I think it is interesting that in the previous posting I left out Jessie. When I think about Jessie now there is nothing there and there never was. Reading over the history of my life in LJ form last night I realized there was quite a bit more there than I had remembered that came between the Mandy phase and the Kira saga. I don't really know what to make of this. I don't know if it was out of sight out of mind for the both of us but there was a serious connection there at one point. I'd like to sit her down and talk to her about it someday, though I am sure I never will. I'd love to sit down and talk to Kira too. That would be a serious laugh. As far as Bonnie goes, I feel like we would almost be the most likely to actually talk about our relationship if we were ever to sit down and talk. i don't think Jessie and I would approach it and I don't think Kira would either (though I could be wrong here) but if Bonnie and I were to sit down and talk I feel like it would be the elephant in the room we would have to address. With Kira it would be objective discussion of how I view it all now while we laugh about how naive I was. With Jessie I am genuinely curious if there was ever anything there or if I made it all up and if there was what happened to it. I just don't know. I have nothing to say to Mandy.
Anecdote time; the day I asked Bonnie to the homecoming dance which we would consider our first date and our first day dating (although it was so awkward knowing where that line was drawn at first don't even get me started on the day in between our first date and our second. Actually it's my journal, I want to tell that anecdote after also.) we were in Journalism class. I had just come off the Kira departure with the kiss goodbye (my first kiss, might I add) about a month ago, maybe a little more, and the one thing I had learned from the whole fiasco was that I wasn't going to sit idly by and let another girl slip through my fingers. It just wasn't going to happen. Anyway, we were sitting in Journalism and it was probably two weeks into September almost because I said I was going to my friend Jessie's birthday who was turning *dun dun dun dah!* 16. We had just been chatting normally but when I brought it up she went quiet. This was about 2 or 3 weeks before the homecoming dance the first week of October. When I noticed he sort of fade in happiness at the mention of Jessie I remember having a second of internal dialouge. I said "Okay, what do you have to lose? Besides... you've tried it the other way and it has never worked." So I turned around and I looked at Bonnie and I said "Are you going to homecoming?" And she said "I don't know yet, probably not." and I said "Oh, well I was hoping you were because I thought maybe you'd go with me." and her eyes went wide and she sort of drifted up to me and she was looking at me completely shocked and she said "Me?" and I said "Yeah." and she was like "Sure. Okay. Yeah. That would be awesome." and I smiled and said "cool." and on the inside I was so pumped I could hardly breathe. I had started liking Bonnie just a few days before but I had convinced myself I wasn't going to let the same old same old happen. It was, in the end however, talking about Jessie that gave me the confidence I needed to ask Bonnie out.
So the other anecdote is also a Bonnie one (I swear I didn't intend for this to happen before I got here). The night of the homecoming dance we got together awkwardly and went to the dance. We didn't talk or interact or really even look at each other because of nerves and what not. When the first slow song came on and we had a dance everything changed. She leaned into me and we were as close as we could be and for the rest of the night we didn't stop holding hands and looking at each other and talking and laughing. All the awkwardness had melted away. And when I walked her to her front door, neither of us wearing shoes because we could, I kissed her goodnight and felt myself explode with joy. If I had been alone I would have bolted full force down the street jumping and smiling and shouting. I wasn't alone. Bonnie used to talk about how she went to the other side of her door and almost fainted from excitement. It was awesome for both of us. A very rare moment in the world I think. I think it is a really good moment to associate with the good of the relationship Bonnie and I had. We were excited about it. It was something we both wanted very much at the start. There are good things all the way through it. I think another positive to it is that we would have been able to live together without a problem (in fact it was the living apart that did us in) and the night where I broke down in front of her because I just couldn't deal with the terror of not going to college and being stuck in Maine for the rest of my life. She's the only person I have ever done that with (although the timing was right).
Anyway, that was important so that I could share this. That evening (a Thursday) we had made plans for the following Saturday which was her birthday. We were going to meet in town (damn, there is an anecdote to this too.) and go for a walk. I was dropped off early and my parents left to run errands. What I was not aware of, was that one of the errands they were running was to get new phones thereby shutting off the ones we already had mere minutes before Bonnie and I were supposed to try to get connected up (In fact if I remember correctly, and I will check and see if I wrote it the first time and edit accordingly if I did, though my records are scarce on this time period (because it was good) I think I called her, got connected and then they shut the phone off). Also, it was raining. So we are both walking around, completely unaware of where the other one was with no way to communicate in the rain. However, I did find her, and despite a dinner I doubt either of us actually liked (Indian food? What were we thinking?) we had a pretty good time (that didn't turn out as long as I feared.)
The hysterical awkward interaction was the day in between. The Friday, as I remember it, was the release day for Ravnica: City of Guilds, a magic set. Mikey, Caleb, and I were at the release day tournament so we had come into town early. Now everything hadn't gotten started yet so we wanted to go walk around a bit. Now I don't remember why we went to Wild Oats, it doesn't seem like something we would do. It was probably Caleb's fault. When we arrived we bumped into Bonnie, Santinia, and some other people. At first Bonnie and I didn't know how to react. We were just like "uh. Hey." "Hi...". We all stood and talked for a while and then when we went to leave there was a really awkward hug. It was hilarious. Neither of us were really sure what was going on; the next day though, it was clear we were dating. (kinda, I still didn't know for a long time until she introduced me as her boyfriend a week and a half later. Also, we later had to decide on an anniversary date. It made sense to go with homecoming.)
Well those are my anecdotes about the beginning of my relationship with Bonnie (which all together is like one big long anecdote). I don't know where that came from, but that's fine. Also, check out all the parentheticals in this journal. Awesome.