Wow
So I haven't used this thing since 2007. I haven't seriously used it since even before that. It's pretty incredible. I am not certain anyone reads this thing any more and perhaps that is for the best. I am feeling extremely nostalgic. I went to my friend Eric's brithday tonight and I talked to a friend of mine I haven't talked to since he graduated my second Junior year (that's kind of a lie. I talked to him on and off my senior year as he was dating Santina and I was dating Bonnie. After he broke up with her though I have not talked to him since.) I was so happy to see that he is doing well and it was amazing to be able to talk with him about things that had happened in the old days. I can't talk about that kind of stuff with anyone I talk to regularly. My friends at school don't know the circumstances around the people I knew in high school and frankly, I don't really talk to anyone else from Brunswick enough to have that kind of sit down. For Mark and I, that's kind of how we knew each other. It made sense to talk about Bonnie and Santina and the subsequent demise of both relationships. It made sense to talk about Mandy and Kira and how he was approached by them and I always saw it as Mark stealing my girls out from under me. It made sense to vent our frustrations about all of the above in every way; but boy did it drop a fucking nostalgia bomb big enough to level a thousand square miles.
Looking at things retrospectively is fascinating. Things didn't work out with Jean because she never liked me in the first place, I just misread friendship. Things never worked out with Mandy because I friendzoned myself hardcore (which is why we were holding hands when I had only known her a month but was undateable two or three months later). Things didn't work out with Kira because she and I were looking for two different things and I didn't realize it until too late (and though I would have fulfilled her wish I probably would have wound up feeling pretty lousy and it never would have led to anything). Bonnie and I lasted a long time, and although we eventually folded it was a very solid relationship up until we left for college. Sometimes I do think that maybe we were still together just because no one had done anything wrong, but I think more likely was that we both just changed so much and so rapidly and the relationship was not able to withstand the distance. We couldn't handle it, and apparently me more so. I wish I still had some kind of friendship with Bonnie; I am really upset with the way things turned out. I hate that I feel like I can't go certain places because when I see her my stomach ties up in knots, but I also hate that hers does the same thing. I hate that we were so close for two years and three months and now we can't even say hello to each other if we run into one another. It just kind of makes me sad, especially because its my fault. It is probably not even so much that I broke up with her as to how I broke up with her. I was kind of an idiot.
The funny thing is how I can sort of track my own growth and development from the end of the Mandy saga to the end of the Bonnie years. These relationships, and their control over me made me grow as a person and seeing it listed out like this is fascinating. I am writing a film script about the Kira story. I feel like this is where I did the most growing as a direct result of the girl (I obviously grew a ton while I was with Bonnie and she was a big part of that but there were a million other factors too. Graduation, a job, an apartment, college, just the premise of having a girlfriend, which was completely foreign, and the responsibility there in. It was a whole different ball of wax). I think it will be an interesting script when it is finished as I think there is a fascinating "coming of age" story in there. I need to go to bed but I just want to pint out that as of now, I have been dating Nicole for two years. For all intents and purposes, and minus a few spans of time here and there, I have been in what I would consider a relationship (though the other person might not, at least at the time) for 5 years straight. I count Kira, which is, what I think, so fascinating about the narrative because we did everything that dating people do emotionally EXCEPT share the physical bond she so desperately wanted from me. What is interesting about it is that she got into the relationship looking for the physical, I got in looking for the emotional, what we got was the emotional that couldn't quite resonate. I think it goes a step further to show that relationships are intricate and come in a lot of parts, you need all the parts to work the machine. The day I kissed Kira was the day I grew up and became capable of having an adult relationship. The day I kissed Bonnie I had formed my first one. The day I kissed Nicole I realized a lot about how relationships could be different.
That paragraph needs an ending but it is far to late and my brain is far too full to give it one so I will leave it like this. I am apparently feeling so nostalgic right now I felt the need to come talk about it here but maybe I will dust this old thing off and start recording thoughts feelings and etc. here just for the hell of it. Can't hurt anything right? Famous last words.
Looking at things retrospectively is fascinating. Things didn't work out with Jean because she never liked me in the first place, I just misread friendship. Things never worked out with Mandy because I friendzoned myself hardcore (which is why we were holding hands when I had only known her a month but was undateable two or three months later). Things didn't work out with Kira because she and I were looking for two different things and I didn't realize it until too late (and though I would have fulfilled her wish I probably would have wound up feeling pretty lousy and it never would have led to anything). Bonnie and I lasted a long time, and although we eventually folded it was a very solid relationship up until we left for college. Sometimes I do think that maybe we were still together just because no one had done anything wrong, but I think more likely was that we both just changed so much and so rapidly and the relationship was not able to withstand the distance. We couldn't handle it, and apparently me more so. I wish I still had some kind of friendship with Bonnie; I am really upset with the way things turned out. I hate that I feel like I can't go certain places because when I see her my stomach ties up in knots, but I also hate that hers does the same thing. I hate that we were so close for two years and three months and now we can't even say hello to each other if we run into one another. It just kind of makes me sad, especially because its my fault. It is probably not even so much that I broke up with her as to how I broke up with her. I was kind of an idiot.
The funny thing is how I can sort of track my own growth and development from the end of the Mandy saga to the end of the Bonnie years. These relationships, and their control over me made me grow as a person and seeing it listed out like this is fascinating. I am writing a film script about the Kira story. I feel like this is where I did the most growing as a direct result of the girl (I obviously grew a ton while I was with Bonnie and she was a big part of that but there were a million other factors too. Graduation, a job, an apartment, college, just the premise of having a girlfriend, which was completely foreign, and the responsibility there in. It was a whole different ball of wax). I think it will be an interesting script when it is finished as I think there is a fascinating "coming of age" story in there. I need to go to bed but I just want to pint out that as of now, I have been dating Nicole for two years. For all intents and purposes, and minus a few spans of time here and there, I have been in what I would consider a relationship (though the other person might not, at least at the time) for 5 years straight. I count Kira, which is, what I think, so fascinating about the narrative because we did everything that dating people do emotionally EXCEPT share the physical bond she so desperately wanted from me. What is interesting about it is that she got into the relationship looking for the physical, I got in looking for the emotional, what we got was the emotional that couldn't quite resonate. I think it goes a step further to show that relationships are intricate and come in a lot of parts, you need all the parts to work the machine. The day I kissed Kira was the day I grew up and became capable of having an adult relationship. The day I kissed Bonnie I had formed my first one. The day I kissed Nicole I realized a lot about how relationships could be different.
That paragraph needs an ending but it is far to late and my brain is far too full to give it one so I will leave it like this. I am apparently feeling so nostalgic right now I felt the need to come talk about it here but maybe I will dust this old thing off and start recording thoughts feelings and etc. here just for the hell of it. Can't hurt anything right? Famous last words.