Worn Out and Sad
Things are hitting me harder today. My breakup is hitting me harder today - I think it's just having seen Doron as moving on with his life and feeling the intensity of how cold he was after so much. And then in missing John and having that experience the other night where I ate some THC gummy worms and did an in-depth mental walkthrough of the house we had together in Lafayette. Nothing could've been more painful than that. I actually sang Sia's Elastic Heart five times on my drive to the Trident this morning, starting to cry at the line "You did not break me." It's easy to wallow in this feeling that everything is going wrong, and I've been fighting that feeling for so long - the feeling of exhaustion and holding up everyone who needs my support and my own heartbreak. It's easy to do, and I've put it off until today, when the I give away the last of that $7.5k - or at least try to. Realizing that I need to work 10-11 hours today to fulfill obligations because I could only work three hours yesterday.
I realize this is a hard time in my life, and that we all have them, and that I got off easily this time because I haven't had anyone die or been beaten up or been raped. I got off easily. But it's still hard, and I'm still faltering. And I'm feeling old and sad and lost and worn out. I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind, that I want adderall to make the time go by quicker and for more energy, but that I'm not willing to trade my complexion for it (I've realized it's been what makes my face break out).
it's a time in my life where I start organizing and finding myself amidst the chaotic rubble of what my life was. But isn't that me always? isn't that life? It's always been finding myself somewhere among the crumbled architecture of my former reality.
And I do feel stronger this time. I feel like they told me I needed to feel to be able to love someone else fully - I know who I am at the core; it's just everything else that surrounds that. Why isn't there a place for me in the world? Why isn't there a place for a sensitive artistic introvert who empathizes maybe a little too fully and isn't organized but has a beautiful mind and tries to be fair with everything? Why are my offerings not enough for the world? The parts of myself that I've developed aren't valued by society, and I feel almost no one knows who I actually am or has the attention span to even find out. I feel as though I'll always be alone in the world.
I wish so much that I could just say fuck it and just stop caring. But I think about too much to do much without seeing the consequences before them. My only regrets in life have been losing John and not being there when my grandmother died. Life might actually be easier if I allowed myself to have more regrets.
Anyway, I'm wasting time and need to work.
I just want something to go right. I hope I'm getting the struggle out of the way.
I realize this is a hard time in my life, and that we all have them, and that I got off easily this time because I haven't had anyone die or been beaten up or been raped. I got off easily. But it's still hard, and I'm still faltering. And I'm feeling old and sad and lost and worn out. I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind, that I want adderall to make the time go by quicker and for more energy, but that I'm not willing to trade my complexion for it (I've realized it's been what makes my face break out).
it's a time in my life where I start organizing and finding myself amidst the chaotic rubble of what my life was. But isn't that me always? isn't that life? It's always been finding myself somewhere among the crumbled architecture of my former reality.
And I do feel stronger this time. I feel like they told me I needed to feel to be able to love someone else fully - I know who I am at the core; it's just everything else that surrounds that. Why isn't there a place for me in the world? Why isn't there a place for a sensitive artistic introvert who empathizes maybe a little too fully and isn't organized but has a beautiful mind and tries to be fair with everything? Why are my offerings not enough for the world? The parts of myself that I've developed aren't valued by society, and I feel almost no one knows who I actually am or has the attention span to even find out. I feel as though I'll always be alone in the world.
I wish so much that I could just say fuck it and just stop caring. But I think about too much to do much without seeing the consequences before them. My only regrets in life have been losing John and not being there when my grandmother died. Life might actually be easier if I allowed myself to have more regrets.
Anyway, I'm wasting time and need to work.
I just want something to go right. I hope I'm getting the struggle out of the way.