Tired But Sad
So, Doron and I were playing around yesterday in bed, and then he got on top of me, naked, with his penis in my face, and said something to the effect of, Don't deny it. Come on, you know you want to. I slapped him a few times in the stomach and yelled at him to get off, which he did, and then proceeded to freak out. I cried so hard, for so long. He apologized over and over, saying that was stupid and that he was sorry for doing that and for everything I'd been through. I started to hyperventilate, and I couldn't calm down. It took an hour to pull myself together for Becca's birthday party, but even then, I wasn't right. It was at this trampoline place that might have been fun if I hadn't just been triggered in the worst way, and I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to cry. The trampoline place made me feel like I was in high school or junior high PE class again, and I didn't want to play games with everyone. I felt like a complete ass, bringing Becca down for her birthday, and being lame. Doron was caring but also having a great time, doing flips and playing dodgeball with everyone. I hated it and suffered through it.
When we went to dinner with the party, I was able to forgive Doron and happy to be with him. I drank two full glasses of wine and then was very lovey dovey. At dinner, I turned to him and said thank you. He said, "I swear to God, I would do anything for you." We went home and took a bath.
Then, this morning, we had breakfast, and over breakfast, he asked me what I would do for work, if the whole writing thing didn't work out (I wasn't sure if I was going to lose an important client). Then he asked me if I'd work in an office, maybe I could try and get a job at Kaiser Permanente. I became miffed and told him I hate office jobs and how bureaucratic and soulless they feel to me. He told me that was harsh, then I explained that I speak from experience. I realize his mother works there, so I later apologized, but it turned my stomach to think of working in admin again. It feels like wasting life to me.
I apologized to him later and then had a kind of emotional collapse over gchat and now feel so conflicted and hurt and upset and isolated. I apologized for being harsh and for being so fucked up, that he's a blessing to me. He said it was okay.I told him I'm afraid of him disappearing; he said he wouldn't. I regret apologizing ambiguously, especially about being "messed up." I think it was wrong what he did yesterday, but I just want him to keep loving me, and I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.
I feel broken and insecure now
When we went to dinner with the party, I was able to forgive Doron and happy to be with him. I drank two full glasses of wine and then was very lovey dovey. At dinner, I turned to him and said thank you. He said, "I swear to God, I would do anything for you." We went home and took a bath.
Then, this morning, we had breakfast, and over breakfast, he asked me what I would do for work, if the whole writing thing didn't work out (I wasn't sure if I was going to lose an important client). Then he asked me if I'd work in an office, maybe I could try and get a job at Kaiser Permanente. I became miffed and told him I hate office jobs and how bureaucratic and soulless they feel to me. He told me that was harsh, then I explained that I speak from experience. I realize his mother works there, so I later apologized, but it turned my stomach to think of working in admin again. It feels like wasting life to me.
I apologized to him later and then had a kind of emotional collapse over gchat and now feel so conflicted and hurt and upset and isolated. I apologized for being harsh and for being so fucked up, that he's a blessing to me. He said it was okay.I told him I'm afraid of him disappearing; he said he wouldn't. I regret apologizing ambiguously, especially about being "messed up." I think it was wrong what he did yesterday, but I just want him to keep loving me, and I'm scared, and I don't know what to do.
I feel broken and insecure now