(no subject)
I feel very sad today. I have this rush of emotion, and I'm not entirely sure where it's coming from. I didn't have the best voice class today, in spite of my constant practice. Mike thought my warm ups were great, but Un Bel di Vedremo wasn't the best. I'm still new at it, but he wasn't very encouraging, and I ended class feeling defeated.
But I think that mostly my emotions are a result of processing after therapy. I'm not totally sure what I'm processing, though. Is it the rapes? Is it the fact that they happened and I'm starting to accept that? Or is it the lack of support I had each time after I was raped? Is it that I'm afraid to tell anyone else but that I want to? Is it that I want to have sex with Mason but am terrified that I'll cry because I'm so afraid of having sex with someone else because sex has become scary to me? Is it that I'm just starting to recognize how much depression and self-doubt and shame and feeling disgusted by myself and my body and resentment of my mother etc. etc. comes from having been raped three times (four, says my therapist)? Is it that I so, so badly want to be comforted but don't know who to turn to. I think it's all of this, but after writing the last bit-the bit about needing so badly to be comforted but not knowing who to turn to-I think it's that the most. I just want to be held and cried for. I want so badly someone to share my pain and tell me it's okay, that I'm not fucked up but that it was so terrible and that they believe me and that it IS a big deal. I want someone to take care of me like they should've when it happened. I don't want to feel alone with this anymore. I want to cry and be sad about it as much as I want without someone telling me I've cried enough (my mother told me this the day I told her Sasan raped me-she said okay, that's enough crying...stop it already! you're victimizing yourself). I hate her so much for so many things, including telling me not to tell anyone about Jason raping me. I felt I couldn't tell anyone about Dave, after that. She has been a terrible mother to me, but I'll never tell her that because I'd never want to hurt her like that.
I wanted to tell Robin about this so much today because I want her to care and to realize that I'm a little nuts for a reason, that I'm tough for a reason, that I'm strong because I've been through a lot. I want her to know there's more than what she sees, more wisdom, and that I'm not cruel to my mother but that there's a reason I resent her so much. I want her support.
It just feels weirdly that the sexual assaults are affecting me so much now, 7 years later. But, according to my therapist, they're present in 90% of my life right now. I haven't dealt with them, so they're in everything I do and in my body. They're in my actions and my thoughts and my dreams and my perceptions of reality. There's so much pain, so I guess she's right. It's not talk therapy, though, which is good and bad. I just don't know how to deal with this. The pain is so intense, and I'm not used to doing anything with it but feeling it for a second and pushing it away. I don't understand it, though. I don't understand why I'm having such a strong reaction. Did I release something in some way through the somatic therapy that I didn't realize? I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.
But I think that mostly my emotions are a result of processing after therapy. I'm not totally sure what I'm processing, though. Is it the rapes? Is it the fact that they happened and I'm starting to accept that? Or is it the lack of support I had each time after I was raped? Is it that I'm afraid to tell anyone else but that I want to? Is it that I want to have sex with Mason but am terrified that I'll cry because I'm so afraid of having sex with someone else because sex has become scary to me? Is it that I'm just starting to recognize how much depression and self-doubt and shame and feeling disgusted by myself and my body and resentment of my mother etc. etc. comes from having been raped three times (four, says my therapist)? Is it that I so, so badly want to be comforted but don't know who to turn to. I think it's all of this, but after writing the last bit-the bit about needing so badly to be comforted but not knowing who to turn to-I think it's that the most. I just want to be held and cried for. I want so badly someone to share my pain and tell me it's okay, that I'm not fucked up but that it was so terrible and that they believe me and that it IS a big deal. I want someone to take care of me like they should've when it happened. I don't want to feel alone with this anymore. I want to cry and be sad about it as much as I want without someone telling me I've cried enough (my mother told me this the day I told her Sasan raped me-she said okay, that's enough crying...stop it already! you're victimizing yourself). I hate her so much for so many things, including telling me not to tell anyone about Jason raping me. I felt I couldn't tell anyone about Dave, after that. She has been a terrible mother to me, but I'll never tell her that because I'd never want to hurt her like that.
I wanted to tell Robin about this so much today because I want her to care and to realize that I'm a little nuts for a reason, that I'm tough for a reason, that I'm strong because I've been through a lot. I want her to know there's more than what she sees, more wisdom, and that I'm not cruel to my mother but that there's a reason I resent her so much. I want her support.
It just feels weirdly that the sexual assaults are affecting me so much now, 7 years later. But, according to my therapist, they're present in 90% of my life right now. I haven't dealt with them, so they're in everything I do and in my body. They're in my actions and my thoughts and my dreams and my perceptions of reality. There's so much pain, so I guess she's right. It's not talk therapy, though, which is good and bad. I just don't know how to deal with this. The pain is so intense, and I'm not used to doing anything with it but feeling it for a second and pushing it away. I don't understand it, though. I don't understand why I'm having such a strong reaction. Did I release something in some way through the somatic therapy that I didn't realize? I guess I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.