Self-Love
Well, I have to say that I've never gotten so many looks, so much attention from men, as now, when i'm not at my smallest, but when I'm happier. I don't know why. Maybe I just have a different vibe about myself now or something.
I've been super happy today. I was super happy last night. I had my hair cut for the first time since leaving Boulder, and I had a lovely time talking to my Mongolian hairstylist. Then, I walked down to Grand Street, where I met Anetta and Scott for wine and mussels. They paid, which was so sweet of them. Then, we took a cab back to Brooklyn and went to Radegast, where we heard a great blues/jazz band live. We parted ways, and I floated home, drunk and happy. Jorge sent me text messages that he was on his way to Pennsylvania and sending me good vibes. I'm not sure what that means, but we sung the Real Madrid song over text message.
Did I mention that when after we watched the Real Madrid vs. ATL Madrid game, when we were bar hopping and meeting all kinds of people, the people were asking us if we were dating, and he kept telling them, "Not yet. We're just friends right now, but someday we'll date." I'm not sure what that means, but I'd be okay if he fell in love with me. I know: That sounds vain. But it's been awhile, and I'd like SOMEONE to have interest.
Rachel is still ignoring me.
Sorry...it's been a day, but yesterday was ridiculous. Luckily, I have $180 of the $200 Adrian owes me for my futon. Unluckily, he scheduled his coke dealer to come to my apartment and got coke outside, then he was drunk and kept hitting on me and then was completely gross and inappropriate and wanted to go to his friend's apartment to do lines. We got there, and it reeked of weed and cigarettes. They were doing lines, and I was totally grossed out and left. They said they'd meet up with me after-Adrian had left his bag at my apartment. I was a drink in, and I wanted to eat bacon. I went all the way to The Whiskey, where a man came in behind me, and as he was following me downstairs to the bar, asked me if he could buy me a drink when we got down there. I told them no (because I wasn't attracted to him) and said I wasn't dating or...accepting drinks from strangers then. He said, "Who said anything about dating." I laughed and said, "Sorry, I just want my bacon," and went to the bar alone. I ordered and took out my wallet to pay, and he pops up from nowhere and says, "On mine, Charlie!" The bartender goes, "Looks like Jerry's got it." I then ordered a beer, because I felt weirdly just standing at a bar, eating bacon. All of the bartenders were incredibly nice to me, and I had one of them take a picture of the back of the other guy's shirt, because it said, "Let's Get Weird!" and that reminded me of Amanda. The man who bought me the bacon introduced himself as Jerry and then yelled out, "Another beer for the lady!" and then he told me, "I'm going to go sit in that booth back there. If you want to come by and say hello, I'll be the one back there eating chicken wings alone and looking ashamed." I laughed and never went over. He came back eventually, I guess after he realized I wasn't going to come over. He tried to get my phone number, but I told him I was moving. He said he could just give me his email address. I begrudged him that and handed him my phone. He called himself with it.
On my way home, I picked up a six pack of beer. I got to my apartment and got along with everyone but Rachel, who kept ignoring me but glancing at me every so often. Aditi told me she loved me and asked if we could still be friends after I moved. I told her of course, and that she should visit me in Colorado. She loves weed and was very excited about the prospect and said she wanted to. Then I went upstairs, because I was sleepy, and passed out. Around 4:15am, a couple people come in-one of the New Zealanders and the girl who will be moving into my room. They start fooling around and I hear her say, "We should stop because I don't want to get pregnant." Surprise, surprise, though! He has a condom! They start having sex, and more people come home and act super awkwardly. The guy whom Amanda is seeing is a huge bro-y douche, and he's super loud and goes, "Do you guys want some beats?" So then he puts on this super loud hip hop. I'm talking to myself, at this point, saying how it's not fair, how I was asleep and now I'm not. I get up and yell at them, "I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I can't sleep." More people came home, and only one person heard me. They turned down the music for about five minutes and then started it up again. I texted Amanda, but she didn't receive my text; I'm guessing she was drunk and sleeping. I took my earphones out and listened to a Spotify "Rainy Day" playlist and tried meditative breathing until I fell asleep, hating the world.
Amanda apologized over text this morning. I replied, "Hahah it happens. I hope you guys had fun :)" I'm way too nice. I don't know what to say sometimes. That really, really sucked, and it's going to happen next weekend, too, with Governor's Ball. I have a ticket for Saturday, but I don't think I want to go. I can't party like them, and doing drugs makes me mentally feel like I'm going to die. I suppose I've moved on from that stage of life. I'd love to do shrooms again, but the party scene is not for me.
I've been super happy today. I was super happy last night. I had my hair cut for the first time since leaving Boulder, and I had a lovely time talking to my Mongolian hairstylist. Then, I walked down to Grand Street, where I met Anetta and Scott for wine and mussels. They paid, which was so sweet of them. Then, we took a cab back to Brooklyn and went to Radegast, where we heard a great blues/jazz band live. We parted ways, and I floated home, drunk and happy. Jorge sent me text messages that he was on his way to Pennsylvania and sending me good vibes. I'm not sure what that means, but we sung the Real Madrid song over text message.
Did I mention that when after we watched the Real Madrid vs. ATL Madrid game, when we were bar hopping and meeting all kinds of people, the people were asking us if we were dating, and he kept telling them, "Not yet. We're just friends right now, but someday we'll date." I'm not sure what that means, but I'd be okay if he fell in love with me. I know: That sounds vain. But it's been awhile, and I'd like SOMEONE to have interest.
Rachel is still ignoring me.
Sorry...it's been a day, but yesterday was ridiculous. Luckily, I have $180 of the $200 Adrian owes me for my futon. Unluckily, he scheduled his coke dealer to come to my apartment and got coke outside, then he was drunk and kept hitting on me and then was completely gross and inappropriate and wanted to go to his friend's apartment to do lines. We got there, and it reeked of weed and cigarettes. They were doing lines, and I was totally grossed out and left. They said they'd meet up with me after-Adrian had left his bag at my apartment. I was a drink in, and I wanted to eat bacon. I went all the way to The Whiskey, where a man came in behind me, and as he was following me downstairs to the bar, asked me if he could buy me a drink when we got down there. I told them no (because I wasn't attracted to him) and said I wasn't dating or...accepting drinks from strangers then. He said, "Who said anything about dating." I laughed and said, "Sorry, I just want my bacon," and went to the bar alone. I ordered and took out my wallet to pay, and he pops up from nowhere and says, "On mine, Charlie!" The bartender goes, "Looks like Jerry's got it." I then ordered a beer, because I felt weirdly just standing at a bar, eating bacon. All of the bartenders were incredibly nice to me, and I had one of them take a picture of the back of the other guy's shirt, because it said, "Let's Get Weird!" and that reminded me of Amanda. The man who bought me the bacon introduced himself as Jerry and then yelled out, "Another beer for the lady!" and then he told me, "I'm going to go sit in that booth back there. If you want to come by and say hello, I'll be the one back there eating chicken wings alone and looking ashamed." I laughed and never went over. He came back eventually, I guess after he realized I wasn't going to come over. He tried to get my phone number, but I told him I was moving. He said he could just give me his email address. I begrudged him that and handed him my phone. He called himself with it.
On my way home, I picked up a six pack of beer. I got to my apartment and got along with everyone but Rachel, who kept ignoring me but glancing at me every so often. Aditi told me she loved me and asked if we could still be friends after I moved. I told her of course, and that she should visit me in Colorado. She loves weed and was very excited about the prospect and said she wanted to. Then I went upstairs, because I was sleepy, and passed out. Around 4:15am, a couple people come in-one of the New Zealanders and the girl who will be moving into my room. They start fooling around and I hear her say, "We should stop because I don't want to get pregnant." Surprise, surprise, though! He has a condom! They start having sex, and more people come home and act super awkwardly. The guy whom Amanda is seeing is a huge bro-y douche, and he's super loud and goes, "Do you guys want some beats?" So then he puts on this super loud hip hop. I'm talking to myself, at this point, saying how it's not fair, how I was asleep and now I'm not. I get up and yell at them, "I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I can't sleep." More people came home, and only one person heard me. They turned down the music for about five minutes and then started it up again. I texted Amanda, but she didn't receive my text; I'm guessing she was drunk and sleeping. I took my earphones out and listened to a Spotify "Rainy Day" playlist and tried meditative breathing until I fell asleep, hating the world.
Amanda apologized over text this morning. I replied, "Hahah it happens. I hope you guys had fun :)" I'm way too nice. I don't know what to say sometimes. That really, really sucked, and it's going to happen next weekend, too, with Governor's Ball. I have a ticket for Saturday, but I don't think I want to go. I can't party like them, and doing drugs makes me mentally feel like I'm going to die. I suppose I've moved on from that stage of life. I'd love to do shrooms again, but the party scene is not for me.