How Much Is It Worth
I am really, really down.
I think I'm a shitty writer. I'm depressed about Telegrams. It obviously sucks, and I don't know what to do with it. I worked on fixing it up, and then I went back to Joshi and asked to talk about it with him, and he said we already did. I don't remember that conversation at all. Oh well. My father thinks it's amazing, which should count for something. But it's an unpublishable piece of garbage, and my attempts to double it in length are half-hearted because I don't want to really add in other scenes. I've come up with a few, but I have no faith in them. And I have no inspiration to write.
I'm not having fun in life, anymore. John's parents were incredibly nice to me, and we had a good time in Colorado, and I was glad I hadn't given up with John, etc. etc. But I'm again looking around at all the fun and excitement other couples are having because they're BOTH propelling things forward, and it depresses me. I've had countless conversations with John about how I feel I'm always towing the line. He just never comes up with ideas to do anything. He doesn't get excited about anything. He's not full of life and has no big aspirations. I'm bored. Alone, I'd get depressed and then pick myself up and do something in the next day or so. Because he does nothing, and I spend the majority of my free time with him, I just get into the doldrums. I lose my spark. And it's at times like this that I think I just need to get out. OUT. But I've got three more seasons to go with him, if I want to hold to my commitment. It's going to depress him to get into these talks again, but I'm depressed, so there it is. I'm not spending the time to work on myself anymore because I just work on us. Or, I give up on us, which is even worse.
I've cut out the drinking with us by going on this detox. I honestly don't want to drink with him anymore. I get this weird, unsettling feeling when we drink together, like I'm trying to escape from how I actually feel. I don't have a natural happiness with us: I have to summon it. Also, he drinks way too much. He had fifteen minutes to kill in the airport before picking me up and he had a drink. His parents even remarked on how he drinks too much. I had a talk with him, and he said he's fine not drinking, so we're not drinking. I hate having to keep tabs on this stuff, though. It's exhausting. Every time he comes home and smells like whiskey, and goes to bed without brushing his teeth, I feel a rock in my stomach.
Today is day three of the detox. I can't believe how much weight I've gained since he's been here. I'm glad to be cleaning out my system. Basically, I've eaten avocados, tomatoes, raw broccoli, and raw carrots. And I've had a LOT of coffee (with some cream...which is not okay, but whatever). I'm supposed to hang out with Sari tonight. It's been so wonderful to see her happy with her new boyfriend. I can't lie that I feel a pang of jealousy. I want the new, happy feeling of potential and enjoyment. I want to enjoy myself.
Ugh. What does my life mean to me?
I think I'm a shitty writer. I'm depressed about Telegrams. It obviously sucks, and I don't know what to do with it. I worked on fixing it up, and then I went back to Joshi and asked to talk about it with him, and he said we already did. I don't remember that conversation at all. Oh well. My father thinks it's amazing, which should count for something. But it's an unpublishable piece of garbage, and my attempts to double it in length are half-hearted because I don't want to really add in other scenes. I've come up with a few, but I have no faith in them. And I have no inspiration to write.
I'm not having fun in life, anymore. John's parents were incredibly nice to me, and we had a good time in Colorado, and I was glad I hadn't given up with John, etc. etc. But I'm again looking around at all the fun and excitement other couples are having because they're BOTH propelling things forward, and it depresses me. I've had countless conversations with John about how I feel I'm always towing the line. He just never comes up with ideas to do anything. He doesn't get excited about anything. He's not full of life and has no big aspirations. I'm bored. Alone, I'd get depressed and then pick myself up and do something in the next day or so. Because he does nothing, and I spend the majority of my free time with him, I just get into the doldrums. I lose my spark. And it's at times like this that I think I just need to get out. OUT. But I've got three more seasons to go with him, if I want to hold to my commitment. It's going to depress him to get into these talks again, but I'm depressed, so there it is. I'm not spending the time to work on myself anymore because I just work on us. Or, I give up on us, which is even worse.
I've cut out the drinking with us by going on this detox. I honestly don't want to drink with him anymore. I get this weird, unsettling feeling when we drink together, like I'm trying to escape from how I actually feel. I don't have a natural happiness with us: I have to summon it. Also, he drinks way too much. He had fifteen minutes to kill in the airport before picking me up and he had a drink. His parents even remarked on how he drinks too much. I had a talk with him, and he said he's fine not drinking, so we're not drinking. I hate having to keep tabs on this stuff, though. It's exhausting. Every time he comes home and smells like whiskey, and goes to bed without brushing his teeth, I feel a rock in my stomach.
Today is day three of the detox. I can't believe how much weight I've gained since he's been here. I'm glad to be cleaning out my system. Basically, I've eaten avocados, tomatoes, raw broccoli, and raw carrots. And I've had a LOT of coffee (with some cream...which is not okay, but whatever). I'm supposed to hang out with Sari tonight. It's been so wonderful to see her happy with her new boyfriend. I can't lie that I feel a pang of jealousy. I want the new, happy feeling of potential and enjoyment. I want to enjoy myself.
Ugh. What does my life mean to me?