Monday Monday LALA...LA LALA
I'm trying not to be upset that I'd gained so much weight before the wedding. All of the pictures of me look terrible, even if it's just to me-I haven't been that weight in years, and now there are a zillion pictures of me with a full chin, stomach, and hips and meaty arms, and they'll be had for the rest of my life, with people framing them and saying, no, no, I look fine. but I look terrible. Just horrible. I even look like I weigh less now than then. I can't even believe it, and it's my fault. It's my fault that I let things go, that I didn't take care of them, of myself, before then. I knew there'd be a million pictures. I took clingy dresses, anyway; I ate crappy food and drank a lot, anyway. The only good pictures of me are the ones in which I just decided, fuck it: I'm going to be silly and happy because it's about celebration. And that's all good, though the pictures before them are just painful.
Ugh.
And I'm depressed again. Nothing is satisfying me or making me happy today. I'm discontent. I also scheduled this eye exam with an optometrist I found through my insurance, and then when I went there, they couldn't find me in the system. I paid $119 out of pocket, and then I came home and found that I was covered. So...what the fuck? I don't have $119. Now I have to deal with this and go into work with the policy, and possibly back to the optometrist. Ugh.
Today's also the first day of my period, but I don't like making this is reason I'm upset.
Then, I received an email from my mother while at work, saying that she's afraid my neighborhood is being swallowed up by the likes of Bed-Stuy, the Bronx, and Flatbush. What she doesn't know is that I live in Bed-Stuy. And yep, 25 people were killed in NYC over the weekend-12 in Brooklyn alone. A couple right near here. And I did actually hear gunshots last night. I asked John if they were gunshots, and he'd said he didn't know what they were.
Ugh.
And I'm depressed again. Nothing is satisfying me or making me happy today. I'm discontent. I also scheduled this eye exam with an optometrist I found through my insurance, and then when I went there, they couldn't find me in the system. I paid $119 out of pocket, and then I came home and found that I was covered. So...what the fuck? I don't have $119. Now I have to deal with this and go into work with the policy, and possibly back to the optometrist. Ugh.
Today's also the first day of my period, but I don't like making this is reason I'm upset.
Then, I received an email from my mother while at work, saying that she's afraid my neighborhood is being swallowed up by the likes of Bed-Stuy, the Bronx, and Flatbush. What she doesn't know is that I live in Bed-Stuy. And yep, 25 people were killed in NYC over the weekend-12 in Brooklyn alone. A couple right near here. And I did actually hear gunshots last night. I asked John if they were gunshots, and he'd said he didn't know what they were.