Ugh...Self-Loathing
I finally got my period. Thank God.
But I hate myself today. I just do. I've been so unhealthy, and despite my proclamation that I'd go off alcohol today, for a month, I had a glass of wine and a beer with Frank. My date with Frank was mediocre, and I had gnocchi, which I never have.
I'm so grossed out with myself. And I didn't buy groceries this weekend, so I don't have healthy food to eat this week. I'm grossed out. Also, I smoked hookah and ate cheese.
I want to be healthy, damn it! I'm tired of this self-inflicted disgustingness. Three things I need to do and stick to for this next month (at least!):
1. No alcohol
2. No sugar
3. No meat or dairy
I have gained weight and my skin is dull and I just feel more weighed down. I've been partying way too much, and I know that's going to lead me into a depression, as it always does. I'm halfway there already. Sometimes I feel the sane part of myself begging the irrational one to just stop and do something good for myself, to be kinder to myself.
I want to do that. Tomorrow, I can do that.
I'm hating guys who talk about other girls in front of me. I never do that to guys I date. It's so disrespectful.
I need to stop dating Frank. It's not going anywhere, and I don't think I want to lead him on or have sex with him. I like Jorge, but I feel gross around him. We'll see what happens. I miss John.
I need help. I don't know in what capacity, but I think it's just that I need help with myself, feeling okay. I have to spend more me time. I need to make a schedule, maybe with every other day going to the gym, interlaced with every other day writing. I'm so close to the NYPL; I could just go write after work.
M: Gym
T: Write
W: Gym
Th: Write
F: Gym
Sat: Write/Gym/Groceries
Sunday: Write/Gym/Laundry
How nice would that be?
But I hate myself today. I just do. I've been so unhealthy, and despite my proclamation that I'd go off alcohol today, for a month, I had a glass of wine and a beer with Frank. My date with Frank was mediocre, and I had gnocchi, which I never have.
I'm so grossed out with myself. And I didn't buy groceries this weekend, so I don't have healthy food to eat this week. I'm grossed out. Also, I smoked hookah and ate cheese.
I want to be healthy, damn it! I'm tired of this self-inflicted disgustingness. Three things I need to do and stick to for this next month (at least!):
1. No alcohol
2. No sugar
3. No meat or dairy
I have gained weight and my skin is dull and I just feel more weighed down. I've been partying way too much, and I know that's going to lead me into a depression, as it always does. I'm halfway there already. Sometimes I feel the sane part of myself begging the irrational one to just stop and do something good for myself, to be kinder to myself.
I want to do that. Tomorrow, I can do that.
I'm hating guys who talk about other girls in front of me. I never do that to guys I date. It's so disrespectful.
I need to stop dating Frank. It's not going anywhere, and I don't think I want to lead him on or have sex with him. I like Jorge, but I feel gross around him. We'll see what happens. I miss John.
I need help. I don't know in what capacity, but I think it's just that I need help with myself, feeling okay. I have to spend more me time. I need to make a schedule, maybe with every other day going to the gym, interlaced with every other day writing. I'm so close to the NYPL; I could just go write after work.
M: Gym
T: Write
W: Gym
Th: Write
F: Gym
Sat: Write/Gym/Groceries
Sunday: Write/Gym/Laundry
How nice would that be?